Page 3 | Can you love your husband and still have an affair?

WidthofaLine · 13/02/2023 13:57

Yes of course you can have affairs whilst accepting love from your husband.

I don't think you could be seen as giving love to your husband though.

I would say a person who is capable of an affair, hurting another person who they live with, lying on a daily basis is someone who totally knows what it feels like to be loved but has no idea how to reciprocate that love back to the same person.

Unfortunately there are many people when young who don't think about how love develops as time goes on, as couples age, love changes and the 'mistakes' some people make during a lifetime can come back to bite them in later years. Unions can totally change with the balance of power being totally upended.

Whist fun is made in youth, those decisions can be turned on those who thought they held all the power. Never act with malice, secrecy and pain towards someone who cares for you unless you are completley at ease with having exactly the same treatment metered out to you.

You play about with affairs treating them as hobbies when you are younger, you have to be prepared for repercussions of that.

I've never known affairs not have consequenses in some way shape or form.

Bitofhelpoverhere · 13/02/2023 14:19

Depends what you mean by love. You can love someone in a selfish way, in that you love what they bring to your life, you love their company etc. So yes, live in that sense.

But the deeper love that involves being able to put the other person first, making a sacrifice for their sake, and being able to see them and care for them enough to think through the impact of your choices on them, no, you can’t love someone like that and have an affair.

Marineboy67 · 13/02/2023 14:25

Walkinthesunshine · 13/02/2023 10:22

Total lack of self-esteem? Troubled upbringing?

No... lots of people have all kinds of problems during their upbringing. It doesn't necessarily follow that you have to have an 'affair' because of it.

Thepurplelantern · 13/02/2023 14:26

But the deeper love that involves being able to put the other person first, making a sacrifice for their sake, and being able to see them and care for them enough to think through the impact of your choices on them, no, you can’t love someone like that and have an affair.

For me a romantic relationship is about being able to grow and develop with the other person in heathy ways that are mutually positive and barring vulnerability (health issues that might arise etc) they are very equal in terms of the two people both having their needs met. By needs being met I mean healthy adult needs not unmet childhood needs which may need to be healed by the two individuals in the relationship. This may well be an issue that the OP needs to address.

Sacrifice and putting the other person first is really for a parent/child relationship in my view and is only appropriate in adult relationships if some kind of illness or other vulnerability happens.

Choconut · 13/02/2023 14:29

Wanting to keep your husband around because he is convenient and useful while you shag someone else to try to patching up your low self esteem isn't love. It's just using two people at the same time for different things.

Fairislefandango · 13/02/2023 14:37

Love isn't some magic state of mind which automatically switches off your ability to be attracted to other people or stops you from behaving badly or even treating your partner badly. (Romantic) love is just the name we give to a combination of feelings of sexual attraction, and personality appeal. So yes, you can love somebody and still do pretty much anything.

Having an affair doesn't mean someone doesn't/didn't love their partner. It just means they are a coward and a cheater. If your low self-esteem is driving you to seek validation from another man,do the decent thing and split up with your husband and get some therapy (not a new man).

WhenItsNotEnough · 13/02/2023 14:41

Yes. I did it. We are now divorced. I loved him but it just wasn't working for a multitude of reasons. I still love him now in a way but we'll never be together again.

BarrelOfOtters · 13/02/2023 14:50

yes I think you can love, be romantically involved with, more than one person and act on it. People have been doing this since Adam and Eve.

80s · 13/02/2023 14:52

To me, love means that you wouldn't want anything bad to happen to them. You care about their happiness. So if you had to do something that they might not like, you'd do it as kindly and carefully as possible. It might hurt them, but you'd try to make it hurt less.

When my exh had his affair, he told his AP that he and I were like brother and sister - that he cared about me, just "not in that way". It's part of the Script. Adulterers know that they should either not sleep with B, or they should leave A and then sleep with B. But the fact is that they are staying with A and sleeping with B. If they were doing that coldheartedly, that would make them a bad person. So their subconscious comes up with a scenario in which they can't leave A because they care for them, but they sleep with B because A's love is not the right sort.

It's also very common for them to backdate this lack of love. My exh decided that when we met, we didn't even fancy each other, and just slept together out of boredom/convenience - no big deal. In reality, he was the first man I slept with, and he knew it was a big deal. He asked me out, and was really excited about it; I remember. But I'm sure he honestly convinced himself that it was not like that.

Even if you are not rewriting history, and you were never as keen on your dh as on the new man, remember that you can't blame that on your dh, so it isn't a good "reason" for holding him on the back burner while you sleep around.

Ilovelurchers · 13/02/2023 14:55

Well, in the end it's just semantics isn't it? There is not one homogenous emotion called "love" that you either feel in any given circumstance or you don't.

We will all feel the thing we call "love" in slightly different ways, each time we feel it. And indeed, each instance of "love" isn't a constant, consistent feeling, but changes all the time. What I feel for my husband today when he is has been lovely to me while I have been poorly, is quite a different emotion to what I felt towards him a few nights ago when we had the mother of all rows - I would say I "loved" him in both instances, but not with an identical emotion!

Basically, you feel what you feel for your husband - it does not especially matter what you or anyone else wants to call it. What matters is what you do or don't decide to do with it.

For the record, I do believe it is possible for someone to feel what I would recognise as "love" towards somebody and still cheat on them. I always knew that my most recent ex husband loved me very much despite his numerous affairs. In the end I couldn't put up with it - but that wasn't because I didn't think he loved me. And I was once pursued by a married man who I very strongly felt was in love with his wife. That's not to condone his behaviour towards me in any way - but I do think he loved her.

MarchingBand · 13/02/2023 15:06

No. If you love someone you wouldn't want to do anything purposefully to hurt them/cause them pain. An affair is exactly that.

IWineAndDontDine · 13/02/2023 15:24

I think yes absolutely. And honestly, I think anyone that says "they can't love you if they cheat on you, they are awful people, it's the worst thing you can do in a relationship" is very narrow minded. It's not that black and white, humans are very complex. I also think it depends on the situation. Having an affair and fully lying to your partners face for months or years? Yeah there can't be much love or respect there. A shitty drunk one night stand full of regret? I just dont think it's that black and white.

Sellsellseller · 13/02/2023 15:27

yes. You can love more than one person. If you have more than one child you love the ones that follow also.
It’s a different kind of love with partners obviously but you can love more than one. Respect is a different category

InPraiseOfBacchus · 13/02/2023 15:42

As someone who's polyamorous - no.

You can still feel attachment to your partner while you're having an affair, sure - but if you're prepared to lie to them, then it's not a loving partnership any more.

Needing to feel pretty and exciting is very legitimate! Lying to get it won't help you in the long run. Look for those feelings with your partner, or look for them alone with your partner's knowledge. Third option - you might decide that having your needs met and staying with your current partner are two incompatible things.

TifT · 13/02/2023 15:47

Men seem to be very capable of it so I’m sure women can be too.

IHopeNotSporadically · 13/02/2023 16:12

Yes

Zola1 · 13/02/2023 16:18

I think you can...but its indicative of big issues in the relationship.

Eleganz · 13/02/2023 16:18

Possibly, but you can't have any respect for them. Marriage without respect is dead in the water.

HerbalTeaAndCake · 13/02/2023 17:17

No

AnotherRandomMale · 13/02/2023 18:18

Choconut · 13/02/2023 14:29

Wanting to keep your husband around because he is convenient and useful while you shag someone else to try to patching up your low self esteem isn't love. It's just using two people at the same time for different things.

Mic drop!

5128gap · 13/02/2023 18:24

Yes. Love is a feeling not a behaviour. Plenty of people behave appallingly to people they love very much, because they are weak, stupid or simply not very nice. None if which prevents them feeling love.
We also typically tend to feel love for a person because of their behaviour towards us, so I'm not sure why a person having an affair should suddenly stop loving their blameless partner.

ReneBumsWombats · 13/02/2023 18:28

5128gap · 13/02/2023 18:24

Yes. Love is a feeling not a behaviour. Plenty of people behave appallingly to people they love very much, because they are weak, stupid or simply not very nice. None if which prevents them feeling love.
We also typically tend to feel love for a person because of their behaviour towards us, so I'm not sure why a person having an affair should suddenly stop loving their blameless partner.

Very true.

My family was always telling me my abusive father loved me and the funny thing was, he did. But not everyone's love is worth having. Not everyone is good at it. Doesn't mean it's not there, though.

Buildingthefuture · 13/02/2023 18:59

No. You might think you do, but having an affair is in no way loving behaviour. And, I do not think that a lot of affairs are anything to do with what’s “lacking” in the marriage. Some are of course, but lots are also to do with what’s lacking in the individual. If you are selfish and entitled, affairs come easy, no matter the state of your marriage.

WingingItSince1973 · 13/02/2023 19:27

No

Seadad · 13/02/2023 21:10

I think you are asking the wrong question OP. It is quite possible to love two, three or more people. But it takes a particular person at a particular time to betray someone they love. That's the difference.
People often centre themselves - what does it mean for my feelings towards two people to desire them both, emotionally and physically? The point is that in an affair - you are only cheating one of them. What would it mean for your love of each if you were cheating on both of them. That is where you might find your answer.
OP - you can not love someone unless you are your authentic self with them - love requires an intimacy that can't live in the shadows of deceit for very long.