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Original poster

Humiliated – he has no interest in sex

71 replies

alllllie · 13/02/2023 08:44

Been with my partner for 6 years, both thirties. Happy relationship – except this: he seems to have no interest in sex. I don't know what to do. It's a conversation that comes up every few months, and he feels guilty, he listens, he promises he finds me very attractive, wants to make me happy, will change. And then nothing.

He's not gay, and he's not cheating on me. I wonder if he's asexual, but he has said he isn't. (Although maybe he doesn't want to admit it.)

I've also wondered if he could have low testosterone, but he doesn't seem to have any other symptoms. He's not tired, and doesn't have any ED issues when we very occasionally have sex. He's fit and healthy, doesn't drink much (used to, but now doesn't). In fact he does a lot of endurance sport (which I think can be linked to low testosterone?) Anyway, I mentioned this to him a while ago but he's done nothing about it, not even googled it.

He's never watched porn and he says he never masturbates. I don't think he slept with many women before me. He's actually very physically affectionate, but in a cuddly, chaste way. He likes little pecks of kisses and always wants to hug, but I'm starting to resent this – it makes me feel like my body is just a comfort blanket.

He's not disgusted by sex, and is up for it when I initiate. But doesn't put any effort in. Just the basics, quickly. I rarely initiate now, because to be honest, it makes me feel a bit desperate. I'm not asking for anything unrealistic here. Just basic desire, I guess. There's no fire.

He was more interested when we met, although it wasn't amazing. I just thought he was shy and would get more confident. And I was so overjoyed to finally find someone kind and keen on me, after a few years of dating dickheads.

Maybe the answer is simple, and we are just not matched. Which makes me feel extremely sad, as he's such a good man otherwise. I am reasonably nice-looking and take care of myself, although I'm not a stunner and have never had much attention from men. This makes me wonder if I'm the problem. It's really hurting my confidence, actually. I am quite outdoorsy and it's making me worry am I not feminine enough, have I no sex appeal at all. (I know this is silly of me.) In short, I feel humiliated, grey, faded. I can't speak to friends about this.

Any opinions or experiences welcome, even blunt/controversial ones.

OP posts:
DoomedForLoneliness · 13/02/2023 08:49

If you do want sex, then you have to leave him - pestering / forcing him to have sex, or making him feel bad for not wanting sex is totally wrong.
It’s a shame (and cold) if you love him, but that’s about it.
Are you able to love without sex?

Why you said ’humiliated’ in you title?
Do you have hang up’s about sex ? As in you think your worth is tied yo someone fucking you?
That’s not healthy.

BreviloquentBastard · 13/02/2023 08:59

Aaaah this is hard OP but sometimes our sex drives just don't align, and sometimes that misalignment is so severe it's unworkable.

Some people are very happy in sexless relationships, those people will try and convince you there's something wrong with you for wanting a healthy sex life, or that you must be shallow or have hang ups about sex or be some kind of sex maniac, or that you should be able to live happily in a sexless relationship because love should be enough. Those people are stupid and incapable of thinking outside their own experiences, don't listen to them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a healthy sex life, and wanting to feel desired by your romantic partner.

Unfortunately there's also absolutely nothing wrong with not caring all that much about sex and being a relatively unsexual person, like your partner. It's tough because neither of you is wrong, you're just different. It'd be unfair of you to pressure him into sex he doesn't want to have, and it'd be unfair of him to expect you to live in a sexless relationship just because that's what he wants.

I personally couldn't live happily in a relationship where I didn't feel desired and didn't have at least semi regular sex. I also couldn't be in a relationship where I felt humiliated and unattractive for my very normal desires! The reality is that this is a situation that's unlikely to change, you can't make him want sex. So it's up to you whether you're ok with this being the compromise you make for an otherwise good relationship. Everyone has their own line in this regard and no one can tell you where to put your own. I personally wouldn't stay, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Time for a bit of soul searching?

Oopsiedaisyy · 13/02/2023 08:59

It is natural to want to be physically desired though!

He won't change, sounds like he's happy with the way things are, but is essentially asexual

bobbytorq · 13/02/2023 09:03

Sounds like a mismatch in terms of sexual needs. Where does the humiliation come in?

DuchessOfDisco · 13/02/2023 09:05

How often do you want it? How often do you have sex?
if you are wanting sex to be a daily thing, and your dp’s more of a weekly/fortnight type of personal then I imagine he is beginning to feel like it’s another household chore that has to be done, especially if you talk about it a lot, and there is no bigger turn off then someone nagging you for sex.

however if you are content with say, once a month, and he’s only really interest in once a year, then that’s a bigger issue I think.

have you tried completely backing off and seeing how long it will take for him to initiate? Even if it takes months?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/02/2023 09:10

Bluntly
it’s not you
its not because you are too X or too Y
horny men like a naked woman

no ideas what his issue is , and to some extent it’s irrelevant as it’s not changing is it ?

and controversially , I’d get out there and try it with another man
explore your sexuality a bit
even casually

this will never make you happy
I’m not saying to leap into something else
but see what else is out there

Choconut · 13/02/2023 09:25

Why would you be humiliated by your husband having no real sex drive? It's not like he's changed, he was never that bothered, you just thought you could change him. Now that you find you can't change him you're taking it personally - so the issue is with you not him IMO.

He is no more going to change in the future than he has in the past. He can't be a different person just because you want him to. If you're not happy to live like this then end the relationship and find someone with a sex drive more similar to your own.

Nopetryagain · 13/02/2023 09:26

I think it is worth checking out his testosterone levels first. Talk with him and see if he will go to see his GP.

If it isn’t anything physical you could suggest seeing a marriage counsellor or intimacy coach.

If nothing works or if either of you are unwilling to try the above options I can’t see how either of you can be happy in this relationship with such different sexual needs (which are equally valid).

You are only in your thirties and deserve to feel desired. He sounds like a lovely person but your partner is not just a friend they are meant to be a lover too.

I have a higher sex drive than my DH but not wildly different so I can live with it but if we were as mismatched to the level you describe I just couldn’t see how either of us could be happy.

Good luck OP, I hope it is something that can be helped with testosterone or counselling and isn’t just inherent.

Choconut · 13/02/2023 09:27

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/02/2023 09:10

Bluntly
it’s not you
its not because you are too X or too Y
horny men like a naked woman

no ideas what his issue is , and to some extent it’s irrelevant as it’s not changing is it ?

and controversially , I’d get out there and try it with another man
explore your sexuality a bit
even casually

this will never make you happy
I’m not saying to leap into something else
but see what else is out there

Grim. Don't be a cheater OP, have some dignity and pride.

Original poster
alllllie · 13/02/2023 09:31

I should add: I have never 'nagged' or pressured him and would never. I know that it would only make the problem worse. We are kind to each other, and both quite gentle/quiet people.

I would never cheat on him either.

Interesting and varied comments so far, thanks to those who have added their thoughts.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 13/02/2023 09:34

I’ve been given testosterone as part of my HRT. I’ll admit I’m too afraid to take it but it’s basically little tubes you rub in daily.

He could very easily see a private specialist in this area, get the tests done and be supplemented if necessary. The problem is whether he cares enough to do this. If it’s bothering you and you alone then he’s not going to change and if anything, it will get worse over time.

Peachy2005 · 13/02/2023 09:40

My sister had a BF like this…we all loved him, he was a good match for her (apart from almost no sex drive), but she wanted kids, he didn’t. Turned out (in couples counselling) he’d had an injury in the groin area as a kid and was self-conscious and wasn’t sure he’d be able to have kids anyway). Ultimately, he didn’t want to change and it was 12 years before she ended it and she hasn’t met someone else and is probably too old for kids now. So I’d say don’t waste any more of your time if this isn’t something he’s willing to address.

SleepySlumber · 13/02/2023 12:03

You’ve told him what upsets you and he has made no plans at all to change this.

Your options are to stay in a sexless relationship that will never improve. Or do the hard thing of moving on and finding someone who can give you what you need.

I was in a sexless relationship and eventually left, then when I started dating again I realised how important sex really was to me. Now in a relationship where he literally wants it all the time lol.

ShiverOfSharks · 13/02/2023 12:19

Oh, here we go. "Why do you neeeeeeed someone to want to have sex with you OP, why are you so insecure and psychologically broken".

A healthy sex life is a wonderful, life-affirming thing. There is nothing strange or abnormal about wanting to feel desired by your romantic and sexual partner.

Original poster
alllllie · 13/02/2023 12:21

@SleepySlumber You've summed it up. He promises he will make an effort, or look into potential testosterone issue. He stresses that he is absolutely not asexual. All the things I want to hear, and he knows that.

Part of me wonders if he is with me for an easy life. I cook well, am pretty relaxed and he has all the time he wants to do his hobbies. I feel like that 'cool girl' cliche.

What is particularly hard is that this has really done a number on my self-esteem, and it's difficult to imagine anyone else wanting me.

OP posts:
Original poster
alllllie · 13/02/2023 12:23

@ShiverOfSharks thank you, yes.

OP posts:
Johnisafckface · 13/02/2023 12:34

Where are these men with low sex drives?? I can’t ever find one 😂

I have low/no sex drive and my ex had a high sex drive. He used to get pissed because I wasn’t up to sex more than once or twice a month and even then it felt like a chore. I should’ve told him before we started dating that I had a low sex drive as it wasn’t going to change.

your boyfriend isn’t in the wrong but he’s not going to change either. So you have to decide if you’re willing to deal with that or not. Of course I’d be fine with it as i obviously don’t tie self worth/attractiveness to having sex. But if that’s important to you then it’s best to find someone with a similar drive.

YouTarzan · 13/02/2023 12:52

Of course I’d be fine with it as i obviously don’t tie self worth/attractiveness to having sex

Err, I don’t tie my self worth/attractiveness to having sex either, doesn’t mean I don’t expect a good fuck when I’m in a relationship!

Naunet · 13/02/2023 12:53

Nothing is going to change and I actually think he is in the wrong for stringing you along, pretending he’ll go to the GP, that he isn’t asexual, rather than being honest with you about what the issue it. Unless you can accept a sexless relationship, I’d start thinking about leaving sadly.

afinishedkiss · 13/02/2023 12:56

Mismatched sex drives. Neither one of you are in the wrong. If you have brought it up with him regularly and he promised he would change well it is not going to change. In fact you cannot change something like that. If you don't have a sex drive you don't have a sex drive and there is very little you can do about it. I am sure he would change if he could. Berating him over it or constantly asking him to change is pointless. I don't think people get this. There is no magic switch to automatically make you want to have sex with someone. The desire it either there or it is not. You cannot pretend, fake it or try harder to get it ...you are literally pissing against the wind.

It really boils down to whether you can live with it or not. If you cannot, you need to leave.

Original poster
alllllie · 13/02/2023 13:05

@afinishedkiss I think that's a bit unfair. I don't 'berate' him or ask him to change. It's him who swears to me that he's not asexual and that he will change things. I do not know if he's being honest with me, yet I am careful to gently and encourage him to be open.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 13/02/2023 13:08

alllllie · 13/02/2023 12:21

@SleepySlumber You've summed it up. He promises he will make an effort, or look into potential testosterone issue. He stresses that he is absolutely not asexual. All the things I want to hear, and he knows that.

Part of me wonders if he is with me for an easy life. I cook well, am pretty relaxed and he has all the time he wants to do his hobbies. I feel like that 'cool girl' cliche.

What is particularly hard is that this has really done a number on my self-esteem, and it's difficult to imagine anyone else wanting me.

You deserve more! A loving, healthy relationship involves sex and desiring each other! So dont waste any more time here xxx

fatherfintanstack · 13/02/2023 13:14

Has he offered any explanation as to why he is so disinterested in sex if he is certain he has an active sex drive?

Sadly I think he will keep telling you what you want to hear and enjoying the rest of what you have together unless you decide you're not willing to live like this. It's up to you to decide, and if you're not, to have one more very serious conversation in which you want the truth from him. He hasn't taken action so the truth isn't that he wants sex and is going to look into physiological causes. It may be that this is him and he is happy living his chaste life. He may think the world of you but feel like you're brother and sister but not have wanted to hurt your feelings before.

Either way, it isn't personal. It's not your appearance or interests.

Orangeis · 13/02/2023 13:21

He doesn't want sex, that's not going to change.
A friend of mine recently left her husband for the same reason. She's now miserably single but getting sex from a FWB. The ex husband is gloriously happy with a new partner who apparently isn't bothered about sex either.
You make your choices.

Walterwhiteswifey · 13/02/2023 13:21

Sorry but anyone who says they don't masturbate is a liar!