Humiliated – he has no interest in sex

[alllllie]

Been with my partner for 6 years, both thirties. Happy relationship – except this: he seems to have no interest in sex. I don't know what to do. It's a conversation that comes up every few months, and he feels guilty, he listens, he promises he finds me very attractive, wants to make me happy, will change. And then nothing.

He's not gay, and he's not cheating on me. I wonder if he's asexual, but he has said he isn't. (Although maybe he doesn't want to admit it.)

I've also wondered if he could have low testosterone, but he doesn't seem to have any other symptoms. He's not tired, and doesn't have any ED issues when we very occasionally have sex. He's fit and healthy, doesn't drink much (used to, but now doesn't). In fact he does a lot of endurance sport (which I think can be linked to low testosterone?) Anyway, I mentioned this to him a while ago but he's done nothing about it, not even googled it.

He's never watched porn and he says he never masturbates. I don't think he slept with many women before me. He's actually very physically affectionate, but in a cuddly, chaste way. He likes little pecks of kisses and always wants to hug, but I'm starting to resent this – it makes me feel like my body is just a comfort blanket.

He's not disgusted by sex, and is up for it when I initiate. But doesn't put any effort in. Just the basics, quickly. I rarely initiate now, because to be honest, it makes me feel a bit desperate. I'm not asking for anything unrealistic here. Just basic desire, I guess. There's no fire.

He was more interested when we met, although it wasn't amazing. I just thought he was shy and would get more confident. And I was so overjoyed to finally find someone kind and keen on me, after a few years of dating dickheads.

Maybe the answer is simple, and we are just not matched. Which makes me feel extremely sad, as he's such a good man otherwise. I am reasonably nice-looking and take care of myself, although I'm not a stunner and have never had much attention from men. This makes me wonder if I'm the problem. It's really hurting my confidence, actually. I am quite outdoorsy and it's making me worry am I not feminine enough, have I no sex appeal at all. (I know this is silly of me.) In short, I feel humiliated, grey, faded. I can't speak to friends about this.

Any opinions or experiences welcome, even blunt/controversial ones.

I understand feeling humiliated too. I was in a relationship like this for 6 years in my 20s - I look back and feel a huge sense of loss at the waste of my youthful libido. Staying with him ground me down and the longer I stayed, the more I felt dull and unattractive (I was neither).

I think for many women, enjoyment of sex is not just the physical satisfaction, but the connection and the pleasure of being with a man (or woman) who really fucking fancies you. I remember the pure thrill of my next relationship with a guy who absolutely could not wait to get my knickers off - his excitement was exhilarating and life-affirming.

This will not improve OP, you have to make a choice.

Yeah, I think this is about it. In your shoes I would try a third thing: be totally honest. Say that you are on the verge of leaving because you are sexually lonely/unfulfilled. Ask if he wants a sex life. If he does, insist that he get therapy to address his blockage. Or, if he is happy with the status quo and knows you’ll leave, then you can leave with your cards on the table.

Quite frankly I can’t see anything stopping him touching you every few days, even if he doesn’t need it himself.

A relationship like that would make me feel babyish and dead. I completely understand.

I finished an 8 year relationship a year and half ago for the same reason. I'm now having the best sex of my life with a man that desires and cares for me. You're at nothing here op.

Interesting about testosterone. My DP got tested and his was above normal. I thought it would explain his very low sex drive.
So I don't think low testosterone is necessarily the answer.

Quite frankly I can't see anything stopping him touching you every few days, even if he doesn't need it himself.

Well, he would if he wanted to. I wouldn't want someone to be doing something they didn't actively want, it's kind of the whole point to feel desired, not like an obligation.

I never can understand why duty sex would be even wanted by the other person.

A lesson for this, and your life in general. Take note of actions and not words.

Surprised to get so many responses from posters who have experienced the same thing. Grateful for everyone who understands my situation, because it feels extremely lonely. I also confided in a friend earlier, and feel better for doing so.

No, I definitely do not want 'duty sex' and I do not like the thought of him trying to muster up enthusiasm when it's just not there. That wouldn't make anyone happy.

He has now said he thinks he has been depressed for the last few years. That may be so, and I've encouraged him to go to the doctor, because I don't want him to be unhappy, whatever happens.

As for me, I am quietly thinking everything through. I feel sadder but clearer, because I too was refusing to face up to this. Even if he underwent some miraculous transformation (unlikely), I am not sure I will get over feeling so unwanted and unappealing. If we stay together, it might always be there. He is wonderful in many ways but this is so so important to me. I'm shocked to realise what I've lost and how I've become. I don't like to rush decisions but I have ended relationships before and not regretted it, so I am just giving myself a little time for now.

He may be playing for time, now claiming depression. Have you had any other reasons to think he's depressed?

Next thing will be having no libido because he's on anti-ds and you feeling like you can't leave the poor guy over sex when he's depressed.

And the years roll by.

Entirely sympathise. I am in a relationship with a gorgeous man - we have to much fun together but his has had minimal sexialnexperience and very little confidence and so he had just got used to not having sex. My sex drive is much higher than his so I have to compromise /it us frustrating but the positives outweigh the negatives so just accept that it matters do much less to him. He actually told me one that cuddling was better than sex. So I do understand the humiliation thing. But he is such a lovely person and does love me -sex really I'd just not a big thing for him.

@DoomedForLoneliness What an unhelpful nasty comment.

@category12 Exactly my thoughts. I suppose he had become a bit passive in life, eg staying in a crap job and making no effort to change it. I am really not sure.

@VanillaSox Do you think you can live with this? At first I brushed it off, but it has started to weigh on my mind more and more over the last year. I think that what has also really brought it home for me is that I am starting to see signs of ageing in my skin and hair. That's not the problem – we all have to get older. But it's a reminder that life is short.

Dump.

You have one life.

He's coming up with excuses now.

Has he made an appointment with a doctor to sort out his depression? Or is this a ploy for your sympathy?

I think you need to ponder that he's at least doing one of the things he says he isn't doing, or that he's gay.

He has ordered a testosterone test, registered with the GP and is investigating therapy, eg what his employment benefits offer. We have talked more. He now thinks he has been depressed for about eight years. The way he has described it, I believe him. I also completely believe that he isn't gay, isn't masturbating and isn't looking at porn. He also says he doesn't often wake up with a hard-on, which does suggest a physical or emotional problem.

I know that it's perfectly possible that the situation won't change, but I am willing to be patient for a bit longer. I would love to be enjoying sex with someone I feel so comfortable with. I find him very attractive and know that if he wanted sex, I would love feeling able to let go, have no inhibitions etc, because I feel so safe with him.

I actually feel very much at peace with the idea that this may work or, or it may not work out. I don't feel like I have to cling on to this relationship now, but I can wait and see how things can out. (Yes I know I can't wait for too long, or months will turn into years.)

Been thinking very deeply about all of this, and I have realised I have a bit of a problem too. I lack confidence. I'm not bad-looking and I have a nice figure, I have no real insecurities about my looks. But I still have never really felt attractive. I had a period in my twenties of dating men who just weren't interested in me, and I've never really felt that anyone truly wanted me, even though I wanted them. I'm also aware that men have never and do never notice me. Even when I was 20 and dressed up in nightclubs, I can't remember anyone hitting on me, or I never noticed. I know I looked good, but I think I had/have such wallflower vibes. I think this is something I need to deal with on my own, and I'm not yet sure how to, but I guess that admitting this to myself is a step forward.

Most people looked better in their 20s! That's what being youthful is about! As women age, on average, your appeal to men (unless you're one of the top 10% of women in terms of looks), you will become less and less desirable. Just the way it goes! Youth and fertilility are highly prized. How did you meet current boyfriend?

All sounds very positive, glad he's actively engaging with the issue now.

I'd sort of have a mental time limit on it.

Hope it works out for you 🙂

As women age, on average, your appeal to men (unless you're one of the top 10% of women in terms of looks), you will become less and less desirable. Just the way it goes!
Tell me about it! Most men I see over the age of 40 look like a sack of shit, and they still think that a woman in her 20s might be interested 🤣🤣🤣
Older women these days look WAY better than their male counterparts, furthermore they don't really care what men think of them!

Where are these men with low sex drives?? I can’t ever find one 😂

Exactly!
Op, send him my way!
Waste of a good man with someone who doesn’t realize how lucky they are to have found a man who is not obssesed with his dick!

Poor guy!

Oh dear, after 6 years isn’t it about time that you accept that this is who he is. It takes two to have a sexless marriage and unfortunately you have decided to adopt the position of passively waiting for it to be different.

Your “if he was only honest” statement is very telling, you’ve surrendered all the power to him, how about being honest with yourself. Deep down you know he won’t change, which begs the question, why are you still with him?

Stay or leave it’s your call but stop pretending that he can or wants things to change.

Yes, you have mismatched sex drives but the issue here is that he is denying that he is asexual, promises to change and then makes no attempt to do so.
Of course you have the right to a healthy sex life as part of a relationship, otherwise you are just friends who live together!
I think you need to explain this is how you feel and insist he sees a Dr and has blood tests to check his testosterone levels and thyroid function as a starting point at least. If he still refuses then don't waste any more time with someone who doesn't take your needs seriously.

Sorry O.P l posted before l saw your latest update.
Glad you have talked and he has started to look into it. Don't let him drag his heels though, as a PP said, put a time limit on it and do be aware that anti depressants ( if he goes down that route) are a killer for sex drive, so there might be more excuses to contend with.