Humiliated – he has no interest in sex

[alllllie]

Been with my partner for 6 years, both thirties. Happy relationship – except this: he seems to have no interest in sex. I don't know what to do. It's a conversation that comes up every few months, and he feels guilty, he listens, he promises he finds me very attractive, wants to make me happy, will change. And then nothing.

He's not gay, and he's not cheating on me. I wonder if he's asexual, but he has said he isn't. (Although maybe he doesn't want to admit it.)

I've also wondered if he could have low testosterone, but he doesn't seem to have any other symptoms. He's not tired, and doesn't have any ED issues when we very occasionally have sex. He's fit and healthy, doesn't drink much (used to, but now doesn't). In fact he does a lot of endurance sport (which I think can be linked to low testosterone?) Anyway, I mentioned this to him a while ago but he's done nothing about it, not even googled it.

He's never watched porn and he says he never masturbates. I don't think he slept with many women before me. He's actually very physically affectionate, but in a cuddly, chaste way. He likes little pecks of kisses and always wants to hug, but I'm starting to resent this – it makes me feel like my body is just a comfort blanket.

He's not disgusted by sex, and is up for it when I initiate. But doesn't put any effort in. Just the basics, quickly. I rarely initiate now, because to be honest, it makes me feel a bit desperate. I'm not asking for anything unrealistic here. Just basic desire, I guess. There's no fire.

He was more interested when we met, although it wasn't amazing. I just thought he was shy and would get more confident. And I was so overjoyed to finally find someone kind and keen on me, after a few years of dating dickheads.

Maybe the answer is simple, and we are just not matched. Which makes me feel extremely sad, as he's such a good man otherwise. I am reasonably nice-looking and take care of myself, although I'm not a stunner and have never had much attention from men. This makes me wonder if I'm the problem. It's really hurting my confidence, actually. I am quite outdoorsy and it's making me worry am I not feminine enough, have I no sex appeal at all. (I know this is silly of me.) In short, I feel humiliated, grey, faded. I can't speak to friends about this.

Any opinions or experiences welcome, even blunt/controversial ones.

id say he has a physical problem if he never has sex and never masturbates.

But he apparently doesn’t have a physical problem, so he must be lying about something.

He is pretending and stringing you along because he doesn't want to give up his relaxed and easy lifestyle
I think I would open a discussion about an open relationship just to see how he responds

OP don't let anyone tell you you are broken and unhealthy.
It's completely normal to want to be desired by your partner and if you're not it will trigger all sorts of feelings. You said you FEEL humiliation not that he humiliates you so you are quite good at recognising your feelings - something we have little control over in a moment. Practice doing just that - separating facts and your partner's real intentions from your emotions which, while completely valid are not always reflective of reality.

You really need to decide if you can accept the situation and if not - have a very serious conversation with your partner about how to move forward.

@afinishedkiss I think that's a bit unfair. I don't 'berate' him or ask him to change. It's him who swears to me that he's not asexual and that he will change things. I do not know if he's being honest with me, yet I am careful to gently and encourage him to be open

It's a conversation that comes up every few months, and he feels guilty, he listens, he promises he finds me very attractive, wants to make me happy, will change. And then nothing

Obviously it is a conversation you initiate as I doubt he is bringing it up. What you say to him makes him feel guilty, he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, most probably genuinely wants to make you happy and vows to change.....Except he can't.

In fact he does a lot of endurance sport (which I think can be linked to low testosterone?) Anyway, I mentioned this to him a while ago but he's done nothing about it, not even googled it

You have suggested sorting out his testosterone. So you obviously DO bring it it and ask him to change and sort it out.

He hasn't. He can't, whether it is he does not find you attractive, his libido is on the floor, he really is asexual or gay or is just not into the physical act of sex. He does seem loving and tactile and likes affection though.

At the end of the day, this is not going to get better, believe me, I know. So you either stay and such it it or you speak to him and tell him you cannot live without sex and are not prepared to live your life that way and split up.

Neither one of you are wrong. It's just one cannot (not won't) give the other what they really need. It's a fucking shit situation.

Right!!!!

I ended a relationship very much like this. It completely destroys your self esteem, it will just get colder & lonelier & more crushing until you won’t remember who you were before. It’s no way to live.

It's been 6 years, he won't change. Sorry OP but I think you should move on, unless you are prepared to live like this forever.

I ended my marriage for this reason. Took 10 years but I left in the end. I'm now with someone who has a similar sex drive and it's made such a difference

Maybe he does use a lot of porn but you are unaware?

My ex supposedly didn't watch much porn but I found out he was an addict.

You didn't mention how often relations are.

If it hasn't gotten any better in 6 years and you can't settle for no sex, then you have a decision to make.

Neither of you are wrong, this relationship is over. You want sex he doesn’t. He says he will and then doesn’t because he says whatever he can to make you stay. He obviously loves you so doesn’t want you to leave. If you can cope with a sexless relationship then stay but stop bringing it up with him it isn’t fair and you know he doesn’t want it.

Oh don’t be ridiculous. It’s perfectly normal to find it humiliating if your partner has little/ no interest in sex with you. It’s perfectly healthy to want sex from your intimate partner.

OP, it’s not you, it is him. This relationship is not working for you.

I was you. My late twenties and all of my thirties gone, wasted. Leaving was the best thing I ever did and the only way forward (into a world of pleasure and sexual fulfilment😊)

I had all of the same conversations, heard the same excuses and made the same suggestions re low testosterone etc etc etc.

He never even picked up the phone to the GP. I think he once Googled ‘sex therapy’ in a panic, after another one of our little discussions which as usual, ended with him leaving the room declaring that it wasn’t, ‘the time or place to talk about this’.

Leave him. Leave him. Leave him.

What ages are you both? You mention you feel “faded, grey” and so on.
If he is sort of in his fifties, the lower sex drive is a common symptom of andropause. This is related to testosterone and testosterone receptor levels dropping past a sort of tipping point in men due to aging.

He may not want to get checked out because he is ostriching, and frankly when you lose your sex drive you don’t always miss it. He may think that if he goes and gets “fixed” the pressure will be on to have sex more often. He may be feeling a bit coerced, like you don’t really care about him but only whether his dick is available more often for your pleasure.

I wouldn’t end a relationship over little sex myself, but I would want to know why there is little sex. You are feeling humiliated and rejected, but the affection shows he’s still in love with you. Do you enjoy each others company?

I think you need to have a frank conversation about sex. If he’s genuinely happy with less sex (and this doesn’t make him gay or asexual), and doesn’t wish to do anything to increase his sex drive, then you need to either accept it or end the relationship.

Are you with my ex?
I put up with feeling bad about myself an unwanted for years. 20 in fact. Then I was done. Don't waste your life with someone who doesn't want you, if you want sex. Sex is intimate and important for most people. If it isn't for him then that's fine but then he needs to be honest and then you get to leave with your head held high.

It is humiliating. Because you feel like you're begging for attention which is lousy if you're supposed to be loved. I felt humiliated for years. Do not be me.

I think you should take a break from this relationship, and date other people.

If you miss him and want him back, you can get back in contact after a year or so.

Q: Do you fancy other men?

Grateful to the PPs who understand what I mean by feeling humiliated. It's subtle, it's a low-level feeling but it's inescapable.

I've read every comment and despite the differing views, the upshot is pretty unanimous.

I am just struggling because he tells me he wants to have sex with me, that he finds me very attractive, that things definitely will change. He is never defensive about it, we don't fight or shout about this. He seems to truly understand how I feel, and is willing to find out about testosterone etc. And then... nothing.

I completely understand that he may just be like this, and he can't help but revert to his natural settings. But then, he should be honest with me. I've said this, but he continues to protest that he absolutely does enjoy and want sex with me.

It's mashing my head. I think I have to accept (sorry for cliche) that actions speak louder than words.

Well, also, when you do have sex it's seems to be pretty tame and not the sex fest you deserve.

Seriously, the lack of great sex 8s a big deal, because he s not that into it, its always going to be a weak effort, he doesn't even realise how great it can be.

It's like trying to enjoy a sweet shop with someone who only likes savory food, he just can't muster up the enthusiasm. It's sad.

They might not be lying. If you have no sex drive you don't have a desire to masturbate.

He sounds asexual to me.

What he's telling you doesn't add up with his actions though, OP.

‘But then, he should be honest with me. I've said this, but he continues to protest that he absolutely does enjoy and want sex with me.’

He will never ever be honest with you because he wants to believe he will match his words with actions.

Focus on what he repeatedly does, not what he says.

Yes. Such as, does it occur to him to pleasure you in ways other than PIV sex? Or is it all about his (lack of) wants and needs and his schlong?

FWIW I have an ex like that and left him because of it. I used to lose so much sleep and self-esteem crying myself to sleep wondering what was wrong. Thankfully I moved on and am now married to someone wonderful with a libido to boot.

My ex was like this, though late 30s and had a history of sexual abuse as a child. He also felt he had low testosterone and starting taking a lot of body building stuff. He was very insecure about how he looked despite being conventionally attractive.

I think you need to put a time limit on it. Not tell him as that is then an ultimatum which is unfair ultimately as no one should be having sex under duress. But beyond this point you start planning to leave.
You can't spend your life doing this.
I was humiliated and unloved physically for 20 years. It was a terrible loss for me

Yes, it's just words. Nice words, but not backed up by what he does.

And to be honest, it can't feel great that he says he'll change or will make an effort, when really you want to feel wanted, not like it's something to tick off his to-do list.

OP I know exactly what you mean about feeling humiliated and can only echo the views of those advising you not to allow the situation to continue as it is. It can have long term damaging consequences for your self esteem and for any future relationships you may have. You are not the problem here.