should i stay or leave

[randomanon]

I have been with my partner for a number of years and we have 2 children together. There has been issues in our relationship since the start pretty much. He was very jealous and constantly accusing me of cheating on him. I stopped going out and seeing friends because of this and at times when I did go out I would have to time myself so that I could avoid an argument when I got back as if I had been out too long he would assume I had been to meet someone. The last couple of years have been significantly worse and his behavior has escalated to him being physically aggressive towards me, hurting our pets, being physically aggressive towards other people and threatening suicide if I left him. I called the police a few months ago due to him harming one of our children although the police didn't take any further action at the time. I have been under pressure to leave him from services who I fear are going to try and remove my children from me. I took out a restraining order against him under pressure and had to report this when he breached it. He is going back to court soon to be sentenced for this. He is getting help with his issues now and I do genuinely believe he wants to change but I'm unsure whether this will actually happen long term. I am afraid to leave him because of how he will react to this but if I stay I risk having my children removed. I feel ill with the stress and pressure of everything. He keeps telling me he will change and I want to believe him, there hasn't been any aggression for a couple of months now. In my head I know the right thing to do is to leave but it is so hard to actually do this once and for all. Services keep telling me that he is coercively controlling me and that I just cant see this because I am with him still. I didn't believe this at first but am starting to accept that they might be right. Is it ever possible to fix a relationship like this or do I just need to go through the awful process of leaving for good.

Please leave. It's not just you he's harming, it's your children, it's your pets. If you can't do it for yourself, you need to do it for them.

Consider going into a refuge, there are animal charities that can foster your pets until you get sorted.

Please don't end up with your children in care because you couldn't leave him.

His behaviour is always a choice. Issues that he has probably exacerbate his behaviour but they are not an excuse for it. It is not your fault and not your responsibility to fix or help an adult.
These type of people feel out their victims and look for ways they can take advantage and slowly escalate their behaviour. You haven’t done anything wrong but he has decided he can treat you like this and will.
They have ways that keep you with them or perhaps you feel it’s safer/easier for you to stay with him or he can change.

Please know that if he did love you, he would choose to treat you as such. He loves the idea of having you right where he wants you and you don’t deserve any of it.

Your children should be your priority here. Even if you think they haven’t seen something, children have a way of always ‘knowing’ or hearing things. Being out of the room for example doesn’t mean they don’t know.

Work with any services you can to get away from him. Dogs Trust I think, as well as others, offer help to foster your pets whilst you get back on your feet. Please look at organisations such as Harbour/Cranstoun depending on where you are. Also, look up the domestic abuse homicide timeline. Not to scare you, but you’re already scoring very highly on this from what you’ve said.

If you can, also speak to whichever point of contact you had in the police or ask to speak to their safeguarding department. There’s measures they can put in place to keep you safe (won’t publicise them here). There’s people who can support with non mols etc.

Unfortunately no violence for a few months is a normal pattern for abusers; they have to make you stay so they want you to think they have changed and keep a low profile until the heat comes off them a bit from police/services etc.

I won’t lie that choosing to leave someone is a very hard decision but there are people to help you out there. Upheaval to your life is one thing but much more preferable to the inevitable violence that will happen again, the damage to your children being around this or worst case, removed from you or even worse, your children having to grow up without you.

Please be careful and sending you lots of strength to make the right decision and keep yourself safe.

Thank you for your replys.I already have a non molestation order in place which is what he has breached.I had a dv worker a while ago and things went to a marac meeting but then the case was closed and I didn't get much help beyond that.they seem to think that because I work and pay my bills that I am able to manage all of this on my own.the children are definatley aware of what is going on and he has done a lot of things in front if them.they haven't said anything to anyone about this because they think his behaviour is normal and is just what there dad does.He has tried to harm himself in front of us as well as harming our pets in front of us.He puts us in dangerous situations but then excuses all of this by saying it's his mental health and not his fault.I know I have to leave for the children but they are missing him,as he isn't living at home at the moment,and the guilt that I feel about reporting him to the police and taking there dad away from them even more is massive.My family and his family all seem to be telling me that he has changed and he is doing everything he can to prove it.I feel like I am overacting to things and that maybe I can still fix it.

Children are hardwired to love their parents, it doesn't mean that an abusive parent is any good for them.

He hurts animals, he's hurt your child, social services are involved. If he's mentally ill, he needs to get help for that, but should not be living with vulnerable children and animals nor should he see them unsupervised. The guilt of them being hurt or worse because you don't safeguard them should be worse than guilt over him having to face up to what he's done.

Maybe violence and abuse has been normalised by your families? Often it's generational, but you shouldn't minimise it or pass it on to the next generation, your kids - you're the one who needs to break the cycle for them.

You can't fix this, because it's not a you problem - it's him.

You're under-reacting if anything.

He hurt your child.
He hurts your pets.
He puts you all in dangerous situations.
There's a real possibility your children will go into care if you stay with him/take him back.

No part of that is OK or should be overlooked or ignored. Not one bit of it.

I know they perhaps haven’t helped you much going forward but the very fact it has gone to MARAC is very alarming as that means the things he’s done are not just run of the mill, low level.

It’s not your job to fix him, he has to do that himself. Plenty of people have mental health problems and don’t resort to harming children, animals or people they’re supposed to love. He’s using it as an excuse and none of it is your fault or responsibility to fix. If he was that bothered, he would have sought help when it first ‘cropped up’ to stop him abusing you and everyone else for however long.
His or your parents are not the ones who have had to live with this nor will be the ones that get hurt again if you stay and he inevitably hurts you again.

The children will miss him as they see him as their dad and abuse is probably normalised to them. They probably don’t know it’s wrong but if they continue to be exposed to it, they will either be removed and have all of those issues to deal with, develop their own mental health/other problems in years to come whilst processing their childhood or a risk that they may potentially become abusers themselves.
My mum married an abusive man who also hurt our dogs. She chose to stay, even when he assaulted me in front of her. I resent her to this day and don’t want much to do with her, please don’t let this happen to your children.

Have you had a Clare’s Law on him to see if he has any previous history?

Please don’t put yourself in harms way by trying to see the good in this or thinking it’s up to you to fix. I know why it seems easier to stay but in the long run, it will only cause more damage and I’d hate for it to be you.

Look after yourself.

Forgot to add - his actions are what’s taken him away from the children, not anything you’ve done.

You absolutely have to leave him. Surely you must be able to see this?

If you are still have doubts, read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free pdf online.

You need to go through the process of leaving him for good.

if I stay I risk having my children removed. This is likely to happen if you do not leave him. You, and them will live with this for the rest of your life.

He keeps telling me he will change This might happen, but the chances are slim to none.

If he was going to change he would have done it before now, and you got to the point where you are at risk of losing your children due to his repeated behaviour.

If he gave one shiny shite about you, he wouldn't put you through any of it, never mind your kids. This is a desperate situation and you can turn this around, but you need to act.

Take the support you're being offered and get you and your children away from him. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them.

Get the hell out. Fast. The second someone harmed an innocent animal in front of your innocent kids - there is NO FIXING THIS. oh, and he doesn’t even take responsibility? Says it is his mental health? That’s a reason, but it’s never an excuse.
please take the pets, too. :( poor things are helpless and don’t deserve to live with a monster who harms them.

the guilt that I feel about reporting him to the police and taking there dad away from them even more is massive

This is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to put your children first, not his feelings. His behaviour is one hundred percent his responsibility, whether the cause is mental health related or not. That is not a pass to terrorise your household on a daily basis.

If you listen to him and his family and you lose your children, nothing will ever ever be as bad as the guilt you will feel for not stepping up and doing what you needed to do now, to stop them being removed.

I know now that the children have normalised his behaviour and this is why they don't react to it very much.i thought that because they didn't react that they weren't being affected by or that I was managing to protect them from most of it but I realise now this is definatley not the case.I have started the freedom programme recently and am hoping this will help me to see everything more clearly.he hurt our child in front of me,which is why I called the police,as I never thought he would physically hurt them.he isn't allowed any unsupervised contact and now that will also stop as his bail conditions say he can't have any contact with the children.i did a claires law disclosure and whilst it came back saying he has 100's of convictions none of them are for domestic abuse.at the time that he assaulted our child I was asked to give a statement about his coercive and controlling behaviour and assaults against me but I refused.i think that was a mistake now but I'm not sure the police would be interested a few months later.my only priority is the children and there well being and the conflicting messages I get from friends and family and then professionals makes it hard for me to decide how much risk we might be at.i know that leaving can be dangerous and I don't feel that I have much support with it.

No it’s not going to change, maybe it will for a little while, but as soon as you do something he isn’t happy with he will change back again. Please protect your children and pets and get out of there. What he does afterwards is his issue.

If you feel like you know what you need to do but you're not sure how to do it, Womens Aid have a live chat service between 8am and 6pm, and you can trust that they have yours and your childrens' best interests at heart and won't advise you to do anything for any other reason than your safety and wellbeing.

You can still give a statement to the police, it is not too late.

Op if l was your best friend that you had known all your life, and was with a man that hurt my pets and my children...what would you advise her to do?

THIS IS NOT RIGHT OR NORMAL, he won't change, please protect your children (and pets and yourself) by leaving for good.

Make a solid plan and do it.

HE WILL NOT CHANGE!!

I tried to leave him a few months ago when I rang the police,we were put in emergency accomodation for a couple of days as there were no refuge places anywhere nearby.the police released him without charge and then he ended up back home with me as there was nothing to stop him as we jointly own our house.the children had to stay with my parents for a while but there was no where else for me to go except back home to him.he sent me messages on that day saying he was holding one of our cats and was going to slit her throat,he has chased the cats round the house before with a knife.i had to leave them behind last time because I couldn't take them into the emergency accomodation.i wrote down all the things he has done on my application for the non molestation order.it sounds awful and if it was another person describing that to me I would tell them to run away as fast as possible.my only option really is to go to a refuge as this is the only way I can get away from him for good but then I start talking myself down,I would have to give up my job,loose the house,make my children homeless,take them away from everything and everyone they know forever and what if I am wrong and he wouldn't actually seriously hurt us and I have put my children through all this for nothing.

I would have to give up my job,loose the house,make my children homeless,take them away from everything and everyone they know forever and what if I am wrong and he wouldn't actually seriously hurt us and I have put my children through all this for nothing.

It would not be for nothing, does that make sense? This is not nothing.

He has already seriously hurt you, and the children. You need to get them away from him.

Nobody who knows what they are talking about thinks it's nothing, the police, the social services, they know it is not nothing.

You do what you need to do for your children and you keep on going. If you need help, it is out there. It will not necessarily be easy, but what you've got isn't easy and all that's on the cards is more of the same, and worse, if you stay.

Go into the refuge.

You can't live like this, your children can't live like this.

You're not wrong and it's madness to say what if he won't seriously hurt you all - he's threatened to kill your cat - he hurts animals, he's hurt your child, and none of you should be being hurt at all. You should be safe in your own home. But you're not.

So you need to do the best thing for your children and get them out of there, so they can have their mum and a safe, calm, loving home in future.

Cats protection Paws Protect, Dogs Trust Freedom Project, Endeavour and others foster pets for families in refuges.

And you can still make a statement.

Forgive me, I'm not a lawyer and I may have missed something from your posts - but aren't you, as a DV victim, entitled to legal aid? Can you not get an occupation order, or something like that?

Even if you can't, you must get your children out of this nightmare situation.

(And please contact the RSPCA or CPL etc to rehome the cats.)

I have a non molestation order that is supposed to mean that he can't come near the house.he has already breached this and is going to court soon for sentencing.they will probabley just give him a fine or community service which will just confirm to him that it isn't serious and he can continue to do as he likes.i have applied for an occupation order as well but haven't had the hearing about that yet.im not sure if I get legal aid automatically or not but I will look Into it as I have been applying for things by myself.
I know I need to get away from him to keep the children safe and he has already caused serious harm to my mental health as it is.its down to luck rather than anything else that he hasn't caused me serious physical harm,he has thrown boiling water at me in the past and nearly caused me to crash my car by trying to jump out when I am driving on the motorway,he doesn't care about this afterwards or even apologise because there is always an excuse that he is drunk,stressed out or he doesn't remember what he has done.i can't risk loosing my children,that would be worse than anything he can do to me.i will contact the DV worker that I had again next week and ask her to look at my statement to see if she thinks it would be worthwhile giving it to the police or not.

That's a good step forward. 💐

You should be able to get legal aid due to the domestic violence.

Your thread title is should I stay or leave

Should you stay with someone who is violent towards your children?

Really?

Who fucking cares what your family and friends are saying about him changing his ways?

Don't you want to protect your children from violence?

Would you be happy for them to be taken away from you, presumably into care? Do you think they would benefit from that?

Protect your children. Everything else is secondary.

'what if I am wrong and he wouldn't actually seriously hurt us and I have put my children through all this for nothing.'
What if you're right ! for god's sake get away from this man , you saw what happened last weekend to that poor woman and her child , he doesn't deserve your sympathy ,the abuse of the pets alone would be enough for me ,he is clearly a very dangerous man.
You don't need the opinion of strangers on here to tell you this.

It should have been enough when he hurt you. It should have been enough when he hurt the pets. Why the actual fuck are you waiting for him to kill you? Why isn't someone physically assaulting your child enough?

Honestly? Do better.