should i stay or leave

[randomanon]

I have been with my partner for a number of years and we have 2 children together. There has been issues in our relationship since the start pretty much. He was very jealous and constantly accusing me of cheating on him. I stopped going out and seeing friends because of this and at times when I did go out I would have to time myself so that I could avoid an argument when I got back as if I had been out too long he would assume I had been to meet someone. The last couple of years have been significantly worse and his behavior has escalated to him being physically aggressive towards me, hurting our pets, being physically aggressive towards other people and threatening suicide if I left him. I called the police a few months ago due to him harming one of our children although the police didn't take any further action at the time. I have been under pressure to leave him from services who I fear are going to try and remove my children from me. I took out a restraining order against him under pressure and had to report this when he breached it. He is going back to court soon to be sentenced for this. He is getting help with his issues now and I do genuinely believe he wants to change but I'm unsure whether this will actually happen long term. I am afraid to leave him because of how he will react to this but if I stay I risk having my children removed. I feel ill with the stress and pressure of everything. He keeps telling me he will change and I want to believe him, there hasn't been any aggression for a couple of months now. In my head I know the right thing to do is to leave but it is so hard to actually do this once and for all. Services keep telling me that he is coercively controlling me and that I just cant see this because I am with him still. I didn't believe this at first but am starting to accept that they might be right. Is it ever possible to fix a relationship like this or do I just need to go through the awful process of leaving for good.

It really is . Only good thing is her kids are doing really well . They all look healthier as eating properly . No drama at home so have all settled in to a new school . And thankfully kept together, as a relative adopted them . But not aloud contact at all with parents

I am glad you’re safe right now. Don’t concern yourself with what he thinks the future holds for your relationship. You are absolutely right about his controlling intention - the programme he is in can be required to report back on their assessment and they will absolutely understand what’s going on even if social services refuse to see it.

Write down what has happened. Be as specific as possible (dates / times / case ref.
for the non mol). The simplest approach is to break it down focusing on what HE has said and done. Make a start and then add to it as and when you can.

Include any relevant doctors appointments / mention any witnesses to his behaviour / if a relative, friend, neighbour, school ever voiced concerns then say so / any calls made to the police (even if you hung up) / any relevant vet visits for the pets. Other people corroborating wherever possible will help a lot.

Just bullet points might make it easier. Start a new page for each area of abuse eg.

Facts

physical harm to the children - on X day he did Y to child. I called police who attended. I was asked to make statement. I did/did not do so (delete as applicable) for Z reason.

Physical harm to me - On W day he did B to me. I did/did not go to hospital for C reason.

emotional harm - threats / isolating you from others / checking your accounts / threatening or hurting the pets. Screenshot any messages or emails from him which are relevant.

financial harm - what he contributes to the household / whether all bank accounts are joint / whether you are allowed to access them / whether you have access to your own money

sexual harm - if he has ever hurt you in this way add it here.

Feelings

Impact - impact this has had on your other relationships, your well being, your finances, your health, your kids. Any medication you’ve taken since with him, any therapy or counselling you’ve sought to access.

I know you’re motivated by keeping the children safe, but the children need you to be ok as well - this will help them. So even if you don’t feel you should be a priority remember that THEY need you to protect yourself too. Does the programme he is on provide you with a Counsellor as well? If not, can they help you access services?

I really hope you’re able to read the Lundy Bancroft book. It helped me to see what was going on clearly more than anything else.

‘He’ll never let you go again’ - translation = his behaviour will escalate even more and you’ll all be in more danger.

Please remember, if he goes to court, there will likely be reports sent to the court about what he’s doing to address his behaviour. He’ll know that so will be doing everything possible to appear mr nice, mr sorry, mr compliant to get a lesser punishment.

I’ve seen it so many times where, when a perpetrator knows all eyes are on them, they’ll engage in whatever help they can. As soon as court/probation etc is over and eyes are off, they’ll disengage and go back to their old behaviour, just worse.

Please keep us updated on how you get on. We’re all here to support you.

You're not in the wrong, you're just trying to adapt to a horrific situation in order to survive.

You do need to seperate from him permanently and take any and all steps available to you in order to keep you and your children safe, and that means, away from him.

Don't doubt yourself, it is just as bad and even worse than you think it is, it is real and it is happening.

If you are asking this question it means you need to leave I didn't read it

Do OP a favour and take the time to read it, otherwise your "advice" means nothing.

Leave, report him to police for CCB, and use the CPS criteria to gather proof and evidence.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Document in a diary every single event going back as far as you can for use as evidence and to formulate all your future documents. He may apply to court for access to the children in the future. You will need to keep hold of everything and go in hard to try and get him prosecuted.

Call a local IDVA and get a place in a refuge and get rehoused with your children. SS will deem you are protecting your children and will not remove your children.

Why are your family engaging with him?

Would they stop if you asked them?

What would happen if you told him you wanted a permanent separation from him?
I'm not advising you to do this btw. Would he be straight round, banging on the door?

If he won't comply with a non mol or occupation order then you really must leave and go to a refuge and sort the house etc out later.

He’s broken in the absolute worst way because he has no remorse. He is going through the motions for only one goal: to get back with you and start controlling you again. He does not love you or the children. He does not even understand what love is. There is nothing you can ever do to fix him.
All your decisions now should be focussed on : will this keep him away permanently ?
Forget all and any family and friends that say to give him another chance. Distance yourself if you have to as they are just making a difficult time harder.
Focus all your energy on cutting him out and don’t waste any on second guessing and doubting yourself.
Make those statements count, don’t hold back; write the worst things he has done on his worst days. Get angry.

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor I'm not sure why my family are engaging with him,it confuses me as my family are very supportive and have no experience of abuse or anything like this.i think they believe it is in the best interests of the children to have a relationship with there dad and they have bought into his story that he had a momentary loss of control and that he is getting help. I don't think they want to believe he is actually a risk to me and the kids.i don't know what he would do but I am afraid to find out.
@samqueens I will do all this thank you.it is easier to write it all down then trying to explain it verbally to people.i have started seeing a counsellor at the same place he attends which is helping.i haven't read that book but they gave me the book that the freedom programme is based on called living with the dominator.it was quite strange reading this as most of it was word for word my ex partner and the things he would do.
@theoldcatsmells I have applied for an emergency order to say that the children live with me,cannot be removed from my care and that he only has supervised contact.i have been told it can take months for all the reports and hearings to be done.i will call the idva service again tomorrow.
@Flowersintheattic57 thank you this is good advice.i wish I felt angry because that would make everything easier.I know that I should,especially for the harm he has caused the children.i mostly feel numb and detatched from everything but I hope with some time and space away from him and the counselling and groups I am doing that I will start to actually feel something again.

i feel like I have mostly managed to get away from him right now,it is trying to get him to stay away long term that is hard and where I feel under pressure to try to fix him and help him to change.i know that I can't do this

OP I know the stress & pressure must be a lot to deal with and is pulling your thoughts in different directions.

But it is not your job to help him or try to fix him.

Bollocks to what family say - please listen to the agency who will remove your children if you take him back. Listen to the DV worker who is there to help you to stay alive.

If he thinks this is just a temporary split then I would suggest letting him think that for now & do not have any conversations with him or family about it, and speak to your DV worker. Get a plan in place. Write out everything for your statement and focus on facts, not feelings.

When you do tell him you're leaving him for good (which I desperately hope you will) then depending on what's happening legally I fear he will kick off and things will escalate. You may need a refuge - but don't even tell family where you are. They seem under his spell and he could charm or even beat it out of them.

If I could offer to look after your cats for you I would but I don't know where you are in the country, and I live in a flat so may not be practical. But if you do go to a refuge please don't leave the cats there. I really think he would kill them.

You can do this, you are strong and your children (and cats) need you to protect them. And you deserve to protect yourself too. Keep us posted.