Do they ever stop cheating/flirting/attempting or will they always go back?

[RealAppealableCheese]

My partner and I (not married) have been together a long time. We have a 12 year old son. Things have kind of ran their course with us really, we don't have a lot in common, never have sex or any intimacy (I'm not interested as don't have much of a libido and also can't be attracted to him due to a lot of what's happened).

But we parent well together, and get along OK for the most part, he does help around the house etc. We have a lovely home, dog, shared family, big mutual friend group etc. Financially he earns lots more than me so if we were to split I would struggle, we aren't married and I would get half of the house but can't see how I could afford somewhere on my own with my wage.

I also don't want to only have my son part time. So I've let him back in every time - I have no solid proof what he is doing but to me it's obvious through his behaviour, he has been very suspicious and also comes across guilty when challenged. But never having any firm evidence I also struggle to walk away as well especially when linked to the above.

I've long suspected he has been unfaithful or at least chasing after someone else. It's the same person every time. I saw a conversation in the past which he would never let me read and that set alarm bells ringing. I asked him to stop speaking to this girl and he did, or so he said. I found out some time later that he was still on Facebook etc with her as a friend and liking all her pictures etc. He insisted she was just a mate and that he didn't fancy her etc. I should mention she's probably 15 years younger than me, and the opposite in looks. I know he's not attracted to me anymore.

Anyway we had a row and he deleted her on all social media etc for a while only to get her back on there a year later. I hit the roof and he deleted her again and said he wouldn't talk to this girl again. But recently I found out (okay I admit I did snoop) that he has been in touch with her again on another chat app. I couldn't read any of the conversations but I confronted him and he lied, til he knew I had some proof. Then he admitted it but again said she was just a friend and that's all it was.

I kicked him out for a while but eventually he came back to the home - he pays most of the bills and mortgage here so I can't really force him to leave. We are back together in a sense but we don't really have a relationship anymore, for me it's for our son and general comfort and finances. I don't have the best self esteem and don't really want to meet someone else but also can't afford to be on my own.

He seems to be quite a shell of himself, and I feel the same and just totally drained. He is letting me look on his phone and ipad etc and seems to be doing all the right things. But how do I know he won't go back there when things settle down again like he has before? I can't monitor him forever and constantly snooping on him all these years has worn me down. I know it's wrong but I just had this instinct. I know something was going on, it might be finished now as he's very open with his phone etc at the moment, but will it stay that way?

How can I trust that he won't go back another time? Could it be that he's learned his lesson now and has realised everything he has to lose and this younger girl isn't worth it? I really hope that would be the case but I've got this niggle in my mind that he's going to find another way to contact her. I just can't trust him and as we have no intimacy anymore, how can I stop him?

We aren't exactly spring chickens anymore so I just dont get why he is chasing after this and seems to value cheap thrills over a stable home life. Has anyone else been in this spot and caught their partner either cheating or acting highly suspicious and they stopped and everything went back to normal? Or did they just do it again the moment your guard was down?

You can’t trust him. Separate rooms and stay as long as it is financially beneficial.
Or sort your money out and go now. You won’t see much of your son when he’s a teenager anyway.

The fact you’re not married puts you in a bad position. If your happy with your life maybe, just maybe, I’d agree he can see the woman as long as it’s kept quite and not obvious on the condition he marrys you, and you can also take a lover.

otherwise when your child is 18 I can see him leaving you and your child wanting to stay with him in the family home.

Or you could just leave now, but that’s your choice.

We don't have the space to have separate rooms. The spare room is my sons bedroom, the smaller room wouldn't fit a bed in and is used as an office.

I am saving as much as I can, but it's going to take me forever. I'm also not sure I can actually be the one that pulls the plug and breaks up the family. I'm so torn.

He has broken the family, not you.

I don't want him to be with someone else. Not least someone younger than me, it wouldn't stay a secret. I just can't bare the thought of it. I know it's double standards as I'm also not interested in him.

I was in a similar position and like you I didn't feel 'justified' to end it unless I had concrete proof. It was awful, I made myself ill with the constant uncertainty and anxiety about what he was doing. Meanwhile if I ever raised it he'd get angry with me because 'you're killing our relationship with your lack of trust in me'.

Sadly it's very true that you can never fully get the trust back. People can kid themselves and say they do, but you can't. Once you know they're capable of doing it, they'll never not be capable. It took me a long time to realise I didn't need permission to end it, and that simply not trusting him was enough of a reason. Staying isn't worth the heartache, and doing it for the kids is pointless as deep down the kids always know you're unhappy. I guess you need to ask yourself - if you stay, are you happy to live with this uncertainty forever, always wondering what he's up to? Or will you be thinking what if I'd left, would I be happier now? (I'm confident the answer to that would be yes, by the way). But only you can decide. I'm sorry there's so many of us that have to deal with this 💐

I understand, you are describing the last ten years of my marriage but kindly, if you're only staying for the security of the living situation why are you so bothered about who he sees? The relationship is dead. It's not doing any of you any good. Your child will see this as normal, this is likely how his future relationships will pan out too.

Your self esteem will improve, but not while you're in this situation. I'm glad you've posted, you've taken the first step, that leap doesn't look quite so big now

Playing Devil's Advocate...
If I was him I'd get a second phone (my cheating ex hid his in the car) or use an app like Snapchat so the messages disappear and I can save secret photos.
Have you heard of hidden apps? They appear innocent like a calculator but hide other apps.

Another thing I might do is have secret social media accounts in other names. If he picked a female name the "she" could freely like a woman's pic.
I just dont get why he is chasing after this and seems to value cheap thrills over a stable home life.
Your life with your son sounds stable but he'll leave one day and what would be left is far from stable. Life is short and you both deserve to be happy.

The relationship is over so let it be over. You're only there because of his money. He should have ended it a long time ago.

It's not for the money it's because we are a family. He can be very kind, he does his share at home, weirdly I'd say in some ways he treats me better than any previous partner has. I don't want to destroy my sons world.

Finances, family and being comfortable/convenient play a big part but we have a lot of history and sometimes can still get along well. I've got no desire for sex so him not wanting sex with me doesn't bother me.

Honestly I don't think he will ever leave because he obviously likes our life or he wouldn't be begging and pleading how he is. My only concern is if he will cheat again when the dust settles. I am confident at the moment nothing is going on as I have access to everything. But does a leopard ever change its spots?

Also I don't think just because we aren't intimate anymore that gives him the green light to go and seek that elsewhere. We are still in a committed relationship.

This site might help www.estherperel.com

So you want him to provide and stay in a sexless relationship?

This isn't fair OP.

He doesn't want sex with me - he would rather have it with girls almost half his age!

And why would I want to sleep with him know.. knowing he's been chasing after women all these years? How's this my fault?

He has watched you suffer repeated ddays and broken your trust time and time again. Trying to reconcile is HARD work and he’s proven repeatedly he’s not capable of it.

You’re also choosing a life of celibacy for yourself to try and hold onto him. I doubt whether he will choose that for himself. They find a way. Burner phones, secret sm accounts, hidden emails, honestly the lists go on and on. I am not a huge fan of watching devices because there’s so much wriggle room, I’m one for watching actions - and nothing you’re saying here is reassuring me that he wants and loves YOU and not just the life you provide for him.

This is absolutely NOT your fault but I really think you need to work on why you’re so afraid of moving forward without him. You matter, your happiness matters. Your child is watching, they will want the best for you.

This isn’t sustainable for you in the long term.

OP your marriage has “run its course” as you say in your first post. You say you don’t want sex with him and he doesn’t with you. It is dead in the water. He must have strong feelings for this woman if he is going back to her time and time again. Let him go be with her and both of you find happiness separately. It is not fair on anyone, including your son

I've got no proof they've been together or that she's even interested in that way, she's 15 years younger and that to me says it all. It's my gut feeling for sure but he's gaslit me a lot and I've no idea what is truth or lies now.

She isn't even single anyway, so if they are/were seeing each other they've been sneaking around on both sides. He has promised me he will never talk to her again and I've had access to his phone for a fair amount of time now so I'm confident at the moment. If he had feelings for her surely he wouldn't be doing that, would he?

I don't know how to explain it, it's complicated. He certainly didn't seem to want to lose me. Maybe there is a way for it to be fixed, I just don't know. I feel like until I know for sure this woman is gone I can't even begin to think about it. If he stays away from her for good, maybe we have a chance.

He seems to be in control here. I'm a bit baffled as to why the thought hasn't crossed your mind that he could just leave you one day.

Maybe he is getting his ducks in a row too, waiting until the woman he actually wants is "free", then he'll leave. You won't be able to stop it...so I don't see this ending well for you

I don't want him to be with someone else.

And those who think this is all about money. His salary is far higher than mine and I took a pay/hours cut to only work term time. This is what we agreed. So I do all the childcare during school breaks etc. I may not be providing money but I feel like this is a shared agreement. It's not like I'm just taking his money and using him. I do contribute with what I can, my salary just doesn't go very far.

I don't know how I'd survive paying rent/mortgage and bills by myself. Neither of my parents are around anymore so I'd have no support from anyone. Plus my son is getting bigger and can be a right handful, I feel like he needs his father present in his life 24/7.

If he was going to leave why hasn't he on the numerous times I've kicked him out? Why does he come back crying and begging? Pretty sure he wants to have his cake and eat it. I've read on here enough times that men never leave.

That was my first thought. What a miserable situation all round.

@RealAppealableCheese I think you’re focused in the wrong direction. Your focus is on contact with this woman and not his efforts to be better. Your policing his devices rather than focusing on your relationship.

I’m reconciled, so I’m not anti making things work after an affair, we’ve done it and I’m happy.

Despite the old fashioned narrative of finding your ‘soul mate’ affairs are RARELY about that. They’re more likely to be about selfishness, entitlement, power dynamics and most importantly ego stroking (among others).

Lack of contact with his supplier of ego stroking is not going to stop his desire to be validated and his need for more.

Just saying he is not in contact with her is doing nothing to address the root causes of his affair.

I can recommend some resources. Surviving infidelity is a forum with some very experienced posters. Affair recovery videos will help you understand the drives to cheat. The books ‘Not just friends’ and ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ are great resources of support.

Having a read around what reconciliation looks like will help you move forward.

Honestly I don't think he will ever leave because he obviously likes our life or he wouldn't be begging and pleading how he is.

Yeah, and you obviously like it too, right? You just don't like that he wants sex with someone, and he doesn't like that you're trying to stop him doing that.

Solution: he gets more discreet and you work very hard on not caring where he shares the part of him that you don't want. You work on your career (you made yourself very vulnerable by agreeing to take one for the team without the protection of marriage) by upping your hours, retraining, whatever - now your son is old enough for that to be much easier, and his dad can help facilitate this either by adjusting his own hours or putting money into childcare.

You're then in a strong position to decide what's best for you going forward, knowing you'll be able to support yourself in the event of a split.

It’s not your fault. But you can’t expect him to live in a sexless relationship either. If he’s providing everything else, stability, love, support and a good home life, then he’s doing it because he wants to be with you and provide these things.

You’ve said yourself he has the option to go. He can start a new relationship with someone younger. But he keeps coming back to be with you. I say leave him to indulge in his mistress. Let her service him. Because if you’re right and he is having an affair with her, and you’ve chucked him out, and argues, and threatened, and he keeps coming back to you, and he gets no sex in this relationship, she can have that, but it looks from outside like she can’t have his heart. It looks to me like he gave that to you.

OP, he repeatedly cheats on you. You forgive him. Repeatedly. He doesn't give a fig what you think because he knows he has the upper hand.

I imagine it's his son that is the reason why he tries to placate you. If that is the case then when your son is 18 you may find that he's no longer bothered about being forgiven as he will be able to see his son with or without your approval.

Posters aren't having a pop at you 'about the money' but that is what you relationship and your determination to stay, boils down to. You can't afford your lifestyle without his money - and you're not married so not entitled to it if/when you split. It's an awful position to be in but what a waste of your life... and what a horrible example being set to your son by both of you.

I don't know how feasible it would be for you but, can you look for a higher paying job, get qualified for it? Your son isn't a small child so you have scope there to make the time and effort to improve your lot in life so that if/when the split happens, you will be ok and not shell-shocked financially.

I don't agree with PP that he's 'given you his heart'. Men/women who have given their hearts to their partners do not cheat on them and sleep with other people.