Do they ever stop cheating/flirting/attempting or will they always go back?

[RealAppealableCheese]

My partner and I (not married) have been together a long time. We have a 12 year old son. Things have kind of ran their course with us really, we don't have a lot in common, never have sex or any intimacy (I'm not interested as don't have much of a libido and also can't be attracted to him due to a lot of what's happened).

But we parent well together, and get along OK for the most part, he does help around the house etc. We have a lovely home, dog, shared family, big mutual friend group etc. Financially he earns lots more than me so if we were to split I would struggle, we aren't married and I would get half of the house but can't see how I could afford somewhere on my own with my wage.

I also don't want to only have my son part time. So I've let him back in every time - I have no solid proof what he is doing but to me it's obvious through his behaviour, he has been very suspicious and also comes across guilty when challenged. But never having any firm evidence I also struggle to walk away as well especially when linked to the above.

I've long suspected he has been unfaithful or at least chasing after someone else. It's the same person every time. I saw a conversation in the past which he would never let me read and that set alarm bells ringing. I asked him to stop speaking to this girl and he did, or so he said. I found out some time later that he was still on Facebook etc with her as a friend and liking all her pictures etc. He insisted she was just a mate and that he didn't fancy her etc. I should mention she's probably 15 years younger than me, and the opposite in looks. I know he's not attracted to me anymore.

Anyway we had a row and he deleted her on all social media etc for a while only to get her back on there a year later. I hit the roof and he deleted her again and said he wouldn't talk to this girl again. But recently I found out (okay I admit I did snoop) that he has been in touch with her again on another chat app. I couldn't read any of the conversations but I confronted him and he lied, til he knew I had some proof. Then he admitted it but again said she was just a friend and that's all it was.

I kicked him out for a while but eventually he came back to the home - he pays most of the bills and mortgage here so I can't really force him to leave. We are back together in a sense but we don't really have a relationship anymore, for me it's for our son and general comfort and finances. I don't have the best self esteem and don't really want to meet someone else but also can't afford to be on my own.

He seems to be quite a shell of himself, and I feel the same and just totally drained. He is letting me look on his phone and ipad etc and seems to be doing all the right things. But how do I know he won't go back there when things settle down again like he has before? I can't monitor him forever and constantly snooping on him all these years has worn me down. I know it's wrong but I just had this instinct. I know something was going on, it might be finished now as he's very open with his phone etc at the moment, but will it stay that way?

How can I trust that he won't go back another time? Could it be that he's learned his lesson now and has realised everything he has to lose and this younger girl isn't worth it? I really hope that would be the case but I've got this niggle in my mind that he's going to find another way to contact her. I just can't trust him and as we have no intimacy anymore, how can I stop him?

We aren't exactly spring chickens anymore so I just dont get why he is chasing after this and seems to value cheap thrills over a stable home life. Has anyone else been in this spot and caught their partner either cheating or acting highly suspicious and they stopped and everything went back to normal? Or did they just do it again the moment your guard was down?

This relationship is a sham.

He doesn't want you physically, you don't want him either.... but you don't want him to be with anyone else. It doesn't matter that she's 15 years younger.

You're not going to leave... and he doesn't want to at the moment because his side chick isn't available for a full relationship with him... so it works for them.

Just open the marriage discreetly and both do what you want.

OP - just read it back a few times...."Things have kind of ran their course with us really, we don't have a lot in common, never have sex or any intimacy (I'm not interested as don't have much of a libido and also can't be attracted to him due to a lot of what's happened)."

What do you actually want from this man?

What do you think you can expect?

You've built a prison for both of you and he keeps trying to escape? Is that what you mean?

This sounds quite miserable. You can’t trust him so if you stay it’s a turn-a-blind-eye situation & basically live as housemates.

Because at some level she knows an external relationship is always a threat to the set up. He could decide he wants to move on with another person leaving the OP high and dry in her mind.

This is a classic case of people in hole carrying on digging. But in this case the OP will be the one left without a ladder to climb out. Her partner has a decent income and very probably a romantic interest. The OP has neither. This is a relationship that won’t last and at some point the OP will have to face that.

There is already toxicity and unhappiness in this set up. Which everyone will be feeling, including the children. It will get worse because both of you could find love outside this at any time and everything will go to shit. Meanwhile your unhappiness and lack of trust goes unresolved. At some point he will realise the OP is powerless to stop him seeing other people.

I sort of could have wrote this myself but with an alternate ending. My stbxh was in a relationship with someone for 10m before he met me, she dumped him, he met me aged 17 and I became his FWB whilst he cried to me how she was now married, pregnant, pregnant again! When we got together properly 2 years later I asked for communication to cease with her. It didn't. I found myspace accounts with just her. He gave up social media for this. He then had a second sim and used to call her drunk. He then gave up drinking for this (and other stuff). 12 years and 3 kids later, she messages our work email address accidentally, he left me when I found the email. This was in November 2022. She is married, has no interest in him. He claims I was controlling stopping him drinking and social media. Hes had enough. Totally played the victim. He also never left before me, almost co dependent on me.. until he wasn't. Checking his phone, not trusting him etc he will be building up a case against you and use you as the bad guy. He never had an affair, you're controlling blah blah. I would say get out now, make plans and leave because he will leave either when he gets caughts again, when your child turns 18 or when his OW leaves her hubby. You are on borrowed time imo. They don't change.

I think you need to spend some more time unpicking how you feel about him.

You don't fancy him. You don't want to have sex with him. You know you can't trust him. You 'get along OK for the most part'. This is not a good relationship. It's not good for either of you and in turn it isn't a good example to show your son.

It's totally understandable that you don't want to have sex with him anymore, after how he's treated you. But it isn't reasonable to expect someone to stay with you, in a sexless relationship that has run its course.

You asked if people who cheat can change. I believe they can. Sometimes people cheat because of specific circumstances (they were young and foolish / the relationship was bad and they had an exit affair) ...not saying that's OK but I think plenty of people will have been unfaithful in one relationship and never again. BUT, in this case - that isn't likely to happen. Your relationship no longer exists, so if he was unfaithful before why would he be faithful in the future? Especially as he knows you forgive him each time.

Ask yourself WHY, honestly why, you want to stay together. Is it for his income and more confortable finances? If so, that's not a good reason to stay together.

How will you get half the house without being married? Have you financially protected yourself and your pension? If he has an affair and falls for someone else, he could just finish with you. You have no guarantees that this won't happen and the rug will be whipped from underneath you. I think you need to be realistic here. It's all very well saying its a 'family' but he isn't seeing the same and protecting his family is he?