Do they ever stop cheating/flirting/attempting or will they always go back?

[RealAppealableCheese]

My partner and I (not married) have been together a long time. We have a 12 year old son. Things have kind of ran their course with us really, we don't have a lot in common, never have sex or any intimacy (I'm not interested as don't have much of a libido and also can't be attracted to him due to a lot of what's happened).

But we parent well together, and get along OK for the most part, he does help around the house etc. We have a lovely home, dog, shared family, big mutual friend group etc. Financially he earns lots more than me so if we were to split I would struggle, we aren't married and I would get half of the house but can't see how I could afford somewhere on my own with my wage.

I also don't want to only have my son part time. So I've let him back in every time - I have no solid proof what he is doing but to me it's obvious through his behaviour, he has been very suspicious and also comes across guilty when challenged. But never having any firm evidence I also struggle to walk away as well especially when linked to the above.

I've long suspected he has been unfaithful or at least chasing after someone else. It's the same person every time. I saw a conversation in the past which he would never let me read and that set alarm bells ringing. I asked him to stop speaking to this girl and he did, or so he said. I found out some time later that he was still on Facebook etc with her as a friend and liking all her pictures etc. He insisted she was just a mate and that he didn't fancy her etc. I should mention she's probably 15 years younger than me, and the opposite in looks. I know he's not attracted to me anymore.

Anyway we had a row and he deleted her on all social media etc for a while only to get her back on there a year later. I hit the roof and he deleted her again and said he wouldn't talk to this girl again. But recently I found out (okay I admit I did snoop) that he has been in touch with her again on another chat app. I couldn't read any of the conversations but I confronted him and he lied, til he knew I had some proof. Then he admitted it but again said she was just a friend and that's all it was.

I kicked him out for a while but eventually he came back to the home - he pays most of the bills and mortgage here so I can't really force him to leave. We are back together in a sense but we don't really have a relationship anymore, for me it's for our son and general comfort and finances. I don't have the best self esteem and don't really want to meet someone else but also can't afford to be on my own.

He seems to be quite a shell of himself, and I feel the same and just totally drained. He is letting me look on his phone and ipad etc and seems to be doing all the right things. But how do I know he won't go back there when things settle down again like he has before? I can't monitor him forever and constantly snooping on him all these years has worn me down. I know it's wrong but I just had this instinct. I know something was going on, it might be finished now as he's very open with his phone etc at the moment, but will it stay that way?

How can I trust that he won't go back another time? Could it be that he's learned his lesson now and has realised everything he has to lose and this younger girl isn't worth it? I really hope that would be the case but I've got this niggle in my mind that he's going to find another way to contact her. I just can't trust him and as we have no intimacy anymore, how can I stop him?

We aren't exactly spring chickens anymore so I just dont get why he is chasing after this and seems to value cheap thrills over a stable home life. Has anyone else been in this spot and caught their partner either cheating or acting highly suspicious and they stopped and everything went back to normal? Or did they just do it again the moment your guard was down?

I think you've forgotten that your son will be affected by the relationship that his parents have. If you turn a blind eye to the cheating for financial reasons then what does that your son about adult relationships? How would you feel if he was in a dead end relationship and miserable as sin? Wouldn't you tell him to end the relationship and find happiness? Just because people marry with good intentions, it doesn't mean that marriages don't end because life is unpredictable. I totally understand why you can never trust your h or want to reconcile.

Why do you think you're angry about him cheating (at least emotionally ?) You know that you don't love or even fancy each other anymore and that the marriage is just for convenience now.

OP isn't married which is why finances are so precarious.

You are equating love with sex. They are not the same thing.
You are also equating love with respect for someone else’s wishes. They are also not the same thing. There are many people in sexless marriages, and many people who have little or no respect for their spouses. That doesn’t mean they do not love each other. Just that they tolerate each other’s differences and learn to live with one another’s flaws.

Going to blunt here: if you don't fancy him or want intimacy with him, why are you bothered about him being faithful?
You're staying for the sake of family and finance, not love. I think you need to decide exactly what you want.

I agree with this.
Stay together for now but work on a career for yourself.

I’d be saying, look, I can’t trust you not to leave me in the lurch. We need to save a £1000 safety net for me and our son and put it in an account so I can deal with immediate issues if you FO tomorrow.

If he’s not willing to put a safety net under you, for the sake of making sure you and your son are taken care of, then you know where you stand. You should always have the financial option to walk away.

This is excellent advice.

We'll agree to disagree then. Men (and women) who love their partners - and have 'given them their hearts' - do not sleep around, causing distress to their partners. You can say love and sex are not the same thing all you like. Cheating has nothing to do with love.

“Going to blunt here: if you don't fancy him or want intimacy with him, why are you bothered about him being faithful?

You're staying for the sake of family and finance, not love. I think you need to decide exactly what you want.”

This.

Exactly. Cheating is about sex. It has nothing to do with whether or not he loves his wife and wants to find a way of staying in a sexless relationship and holding the family together. Who says we have to be sexually attracted to our partners for life to love them? Who says if one partner is not sexually attracted to the other the other should just have to put up with it and shut up or he’s deemed not to love her anymore?

I think your relationship is over, you're more like roommates now. I'm sorry this is happening, it must be unsettling but to be frank, in situations like this, it's only a matter of time before one person meets someone else who they are romantically and emotionally attracted to and connected with.

Even if he does stop seeing the woman, you might be the one to meet someone next. I think staying with someone just for convenience isn't fair on either of you.

I would look into finances, speak to a lawyer, see if you could get a better paying job and what support is out there to help.

Good luck and hope things work out for you.. you might find a new lease of life

He’s got you doubting yourself, and he gaslights you, sounds emotionally abusive to me.

You're then in a strong position to decide what's best for you going forward, knowing you'll be able to support yourself in the event of a split.

Shouldn’t this be about what is best for their son?
Outside of a violent or abusive partner, or a tendency towards crime, is there ever a situation where two parents are not better than one?
At least put the child’s prospects above all else.

Financially - your son is at high school now so you get a full time job and share the school holidays.
Work towards being financially independent in case you ever need to be.
‘Presumably if he were to drop dead now you’d be in the poo ?

Still not agreeing with you, ElliF so there's no exactly about it. Cheating shows a lack of love and zero respect.

We have entirely different viewpoints and I'm ok with that.

No.

The sexual part of the relationship is over. Both parties still seem to be intent on continuing the relationship, and OP has offered no reason why she wants to end it other than the realisation that he may still be a sexual being seeking relief elsewhere, and the personal slight that she is younger.

She also acknowledges that he has had years to leave and has never done so. Why? Either because he still wants to be in a relationship with her, or because he isn’t as appealing a catch to others as she may thing.

The conflict here is her fear that he will leave for a younger model, which thus far he has demonstrated not to be founded. And her realisation that she is financially vulnerable if he does. Which asking him to make a financial investment in his family and placing it under her control would help alleviate.

OP realises that she is no longer wanting a sexual relationship with her partner. What she need to do is sit in a darkened room and visualise what she thinks her life would be like in 10 years time. Where does she want to go and how will she get there?

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
I see it as a lack of respect. I also see it as a lack of balls to tell her how he feels honestly. But people cheat on their partners all the time and don’t tell them about it for fear of hurting them or destroying the relationships. It’s not because they don’t love them. It’s because they are amoral people. Not everyone is wired the same.

If you don't either a. Improve you earning potential and/or b. get married and get a shot at his pension etc. ... He could fuck off when your son's older (or he meets a woman who's properly single or actually willing to leave her partner for him etc. or any combination) and leave you in the position you don't want to be in.

He may have come back so far that doesn't mean he always will. The "right" circumstances might transpire; he could get involved with a single woman, he could impregnate another woman , he could decide your son is old enough, he could fall in love properly etc etc

The conflict here is her fear that he will leave for a younger model, which thus far he has demonstrated not to be founded.

Thus far, being the crucial words.

This one's not single and hadn't made herself single by the sounds of it.

That may not be the case in future.

She also acknowledges that he has had years to leave and has never done so. Why? Either because he still wants to be in a relationship with her, or because he isn’t as appealing a catch to others as she may think

Or he thinks his son isn't old enough.

Or his gf hasn't made the leap and left her partner.

Or he hadn't met someone who everything works with.

There's a phrase "only as faithful as your options" ... Perhaps him staying in this relationship is dependent on his options. Who's to say he won't get more viable options.

... and other than suspicion of an affair, OP only has an admission that he feels an emotional connection to this girl. Did I miss OP actually saying they were having a sexual relationship, or that she was in a relationship with someone else and that’s why he wasn’t leaving her for this girl?

You are both miserable

You don’t like him as a man

Open the relationship and let him live - work on your self esteem and start to live better too

You can’t force him to stay, get a compromise now

Parenting well together is not easy but if your son is lucky to have that, he will be fine

Gey your finances in order too

I'm sorry, have I got this right - you have no interest in having sex with him so you expect him to be celibate for the rest of his life?

And you're surprised that isn't working out for you?

I am think the OPs partner feels exactly the same as her. He probably wants the exact same thing she wants - a home and family life for their child. With one exception. The OP started her post with the admission that she had no interest in sex and had a very low libido.

So now he is in the position of having a choice. Live with his son (and by extension his partner - who provides the domestic/family element) but no sex. Whilst financially facilitating a lifestyle she couldn't afford - or fuck off, see his child part time but perhaps find someone he can have a sex life and happy relationship with.

I think you both get a benefit in sharing the home. You don't want to have sec with him but you don't want anyone else to either . That's the element that's not fair.

I would do as PP says. Turn a blind eye, take this time to retrain and improve your financial prospects. Because in 6 years time there is no reason for him to stick around and you could be out on your ear.

“I don't want him to be with someone else. Not least someone younger than me, it wouldn't stay a secret. I just can't bare the thought of it. I know it's double standards as I'm also not interested in him.”

You really need to get over that.

Neither of you are that into each other anymore and the relationship sounds like it ran its course years ago.

He cheats because he wants a relationship and sex life.

You want him around and keep taking him back to use him for his parenting and bill paying.

Quid pro quo.