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Original poster

Adore my bf but relationship anxiety is exhausting me

58 replies

Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 13:24

Bf and I are in our mid 50s. If you are much younger, trust me when I say it's really hard to find a kind, funny man that you click with at this age. We have been dating 8 months, he is separated 2.5 years and going through a divorce. Honestly he is funny, interesting, and to me sexy and handsome. We met through mutual friends. We have the loveliest times walking, talking and hold hands and cuddle, a few short trips and dinners, sex is really great too. We see each other one sometimes two nights a week and one day and night at the weekend. We talk every day at least once but more if one of us is away. Both us don't want to remarry. There's a couple of things that are getting to me and I wish they wouldn't. Firstly he isn't affectionate in messages at all ( he was for about 3 months) and secondly always wants one day at the weekend on his own. I really want to enjoy the relationship and I love the time we have together which feels so intimate but in between seeing each other it doesn't. Any advice on being a cool girlfriend at 55....

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 10/02/2023 13:27

If you get on otherwise and these are the worst of your issues, YABVU.

My husband is not affectionate in messages and I'm sure he'd love a day to himself every weekend too.

I honestly wouldn't let it bother you.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 13:29

Dacadactyl · 10/02/2023 13:27

If you get on otherwise and these are the worst of your issues, YABVU.

My husband is not affectionate in messages and I'm sure he'd love a day to himself every weekend too.

I honestly wouldn't let it bother you.

Thank you, honestly a friend said that I am emotional high maintenance and that's from a friend ! I just almost don't know how not to be

OP posts:
motherofkevinnotperry · 10/02/2023 13:34

Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 13:24

Bf and I are in our mid 50s. If you are much younger, trust me when I say it's really hard to find a kind, funny man that you click with at this age. We have been dating 8 months, he is separated 2.5 years and going through a divorce. Honestly he is funny, interesting, and to me sexy and handsome. We met through mutual friends. We have the loveliest times walking, talking and hold hands and cuddle, a few short trips and dinners, sex is really great too. We see each other one sometimes two nights a week and one day and night at the weekend. We talk every day at least once but more if one of us is away. Both us don't want to remarry. There's a couple of things that are getting to me and I wish they wouldn't. Firstly he isn't affectionate in messages at all ( he was for about 3 months) and secondly always wants one day at the weekend on his own. I really want to enjoy the relationship and I love the time we have together which feels so intimate but in between seeing each other it doesn't. Any advice on being a cool girlfriend at 55....

He sounds like a catch. Honestly that's ideal. Nobody is perfect and if he's all in otherwise then this isn't such a bad compromise. If you don't want him I know a few who'd be happy with this arrangement 😉

theoldcatsmells · 10/02/2023 13:35

Yes it is hard to find someone you click with. What we all do though is we say we click with someone then give reasons why we aren't clicking. We put up with less than we truly want and call it clicking but really it's not.

You should be able to communicate your feelings to him safely. Wanting one day alone I get, maybe you aren't able to be alone? I can't relate to it but that's valid if that's how you are, but you should try and spend time with other people when he wants alone time.

You should also be prepared to realise if he's tailing off the relationship, it happens.

I'm only 41 but I don't believe in writing yourself off with regards to relationships at any age.

I'm happily single right now but I've been through that many relationships and situationships that I know now that if it's not perfect you should just get rid and start over.

There's 8 billion people out there.

CantFindTheBeat · 10/02/2023 13:35

He sounds very nice and also involved in the relationship.

However, if you are after someone more lovey-dovey and want to spend whole weekends together, then he's not on the same page as you.

Is this a deal breaker? Do you have a full life outside of your time with him?

50s are not old. If you really want a closer relationship where you spend more time together (as if married) then you should raise this with him to see if it's on the cards. If it isn't, then you can make a decision.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 13:47

theoldcatsmells · 10/02/2023 13:35

Yes it is hard to find someone you click with. What we all do though is we say we click with someone then give reasons why we aren't clicking. We put up with less than we truly want and call it clicking but really it's not.

You should be able to communicate your feelings to him safely. Wanting one day alone I get, maybe you aren't able to be alone? I can't relate to it but that's valid if that's how you are, but you should try and spend time with other people when he wants alone time.

You should also be prepared to realise if he's tailing off the relationship, it happens.

I'm only 41 but I don't believe in writing yourself off with regards to relationships at any age.

I'm happily single right now but I've been through that many relationships and situationships that I know now that if it's not perfect you should just get rid and start over.

There's 8 billion people out there.

Thank you... I was single for many many years. Starting over isn't so easy, I have dated a lot and had short relationships but it's really very different now when I was in my 40s

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 10/02/2023 13:54

I don't think you need to be a 'cool girlfriend' to understand that someone doesn't want to spend every spare minute together and likes having time alone.

I relish my alone time just as much as time spent with my partner, but he knows and appreciates that I need that time too. If you aren't on the same page about this then he may not be the man for you.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 13:56

QforCucumber · 10/02/2023 13:54

I don't think you need to be a 'cool girlfriend' to understand that someone doesn't want to spend every spare minute together and likes having time alone.

I relish my alone time just as much as time spent with my partner, but he knows and appreciates that I need that time too. If you aren't on the same page about this then he may not be the man for you.

It's not every minute to though (I appreciate that you're not being literal) we don't live together...

OP posts:
Escapingafter50years · 10/02/2023 14:01

I'd wonder about this

"he isn't affectionate in messages at all ( he was for about 3 months)"

Do you perhaps think he was on best behaviour until he had you reeled in? What is your gut telling you? On the face of it he doesn't seem to be doing much wrong, but I would wonder why the change in his messages.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 14:13

Escapingafter50years · 10/02/2023 14:01

I'd wonder about this

"he isn't affectionate in messages at all ( he was for about 3 months)"

Do you perhaps think he was on best behaviour until he had you reeled in? What is your gut telling you? On the face of it he doesn't seem to be doing much wrong, but I would wonder why the change in his messages.

I wonder too.... it seems really odd for someone who is so affectionate when we are together to be quite aloof in messages. It's like he goes into business mode...

OP posts:
Neveragain85 · 10/02/2023 14:30

Could he be compartmentalising the relationship? What does he do when you're not together?

BigButtons · 10/02/2023 14:31

I am in a similarish situation. I am trying to work out whether I have a good thing going or whether we are simply not all that compatible. I realise I am wishing my Oh to be something he is not.

Spottycarousel · 10/02/2023 14:34

His wanting a day to himself is a sign of a healthy relationship.

Use that day to do something just for you. It will give you and dp more to talk about and strengthen your bond. Being needy can ruin a relationship. Try not to let that happen.

Men aren't always good at expressing emotion in texts. My dp is matter of fact and rarely does. It doesn't mean the emotion isn't there.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 14:34

Neveragain85 · 10/02/2023 14:30

Could he be compartmentalising the relationship? What does he do when you're not together?

Not so sure I understand what you mean? He seems to work has some close friendships but he seems to talk to them mainly by phone as they don't live near by.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 14:36

BigButtons · 10/02/2023 14:31

I am in a similarish situation. I am trying to work out whether I have a good thing going or whether we are simply not all that compatible. I realise I am wishing my Oh to be something he is not.

I think I should be enjoying this because frankly he's genuinely on most levels the nicest guy I have met, but I find it hard!

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 10/02/2023 14:40

You say he going through a divorce. So perhaps, quite healthily, he has decided for any relationship to not be his whole life and he has reconnected or made some new friends whom he is making sure he keeps time for in case it goes tits up with you.

This is ok.

Maybe, as I would and know my H would, he cringed everything he sent a soppy message at first but he didn't want to come across as "too businesslike" at first and now he can be his preferred usual functional message self.

So unless you want to end this and find someone who is all him plus a bit more what you want, which as you indicate might not be possible, enjoy your own free time at the weekend, keep up your friendships and don't overanalyze text messages from a grown man like a teenager.

AnotherRandomMale · 10/02/2023 14:44

Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 14:13

I wonder too.... it seems really odd for someone who is so affectionate when we are together to be quite aloof in messages. It's like he goes into business mode...

Show quote history

I am very like this.

I was probably more affectionate in messages at first because I was reciprocating what I thought was expected/needed. Some time down the line, I am more relaxed and more my natural self. I do try to send some affectionate/flirty messages as I think she likes to receive them, but it isn't my natural inclination and I cringe at myself a bit doing it.

She's more likely to find me turning up with real flowers and kisses than sending the emoji version.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 10/02/2023 14:45

But everyone is more loved up at the beginning, so the messages aren't an issue imo.
I'm not particularly affectionate in my messages to my DH (usually a kiss at the end, wow) but I love the pants off him and he knows it. Our messages were sizzling at first. Sounds like things have settled as any relationship naturally would. That's not the same thing as being love bombed and reeled in.
Suspect you've just both got slightly different levels of personal space requirements. Not a big deal.
You can't expect one person to fulfill all your needs, so in the void you feel (valid need) while he's recharging in his solo time (valid need), you use the time for other people who can top you up and give you time etc.
And talk to him about your emotions and his emotions so you both develop a deeper understanding of each others needs and struggles so you can each be considerate of those. Just approach the conversation in an atmosphere of mutual curiosity so it doesn't feel like you're hoping he fixes this by changing, when the outcome you want is mutual appreciation.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 14:46

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 10/02/2023 14:45

But everyone is more loved up at the beginning, so the messages aren't an issue imo.
I'm not particularly affectionate in my messages to my DH (usually a kiss at the end, wow) but I love the pants off him and he knows it. Our messages were sizzling at first. Sounds like things have settled as any relationship naturally would. That's not the same thing as being love bombed and reeled in.
Suspect you've just both got slightly different levels of personal space requirements. Not a big deal.
You can't expect one person to fulfill all your needs, so in the void you feel (valid need) while he's recharging in his solo time (valid need), you use the time for other people who can top you up and give you time etc.
And talk to him about your emotions and his emotions so you both develop a deeper understanding of each others needs and struggles so you can each be considerate of those. Just approach the conversation in an atmosphere of mutual curiosity so it doesn't feel like you're hoping he fixes this by changing, when the outcome you want is mutual appreciation.

I am so grateful. This is really helpful.

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 10/02/2023 14:47

If he's mid 50's and had close friend he keeps on touch with by phone that's a good sign he is a rounded human being. I'm not picking up any red flags here.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 10/02/2023 14:47

Has

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 14:48

AnotherRandomMale · 10/02/2023 14:44

I am very like this.

I was probably more affectionate in messages at first because I was reciprocating what I thought was expected/needed. Some time down the line, I am more relaxed and more my natural self. I do try to send some affectionate/flirty messages as I think she likes to receive them, but it isn't my natural inclination and I cringe at myself a bit doing it.

She's more likely to find me turning up with real flowers and kisses than sending the emoji version.

Show quote history

Thank you, helpful to have this insight.

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 10/02/2023 14:49

8 months in and assume you both work full time..1 day at the weekend seems balanced.

What need would one extra day fulfil?
To me it sounds perfect...don't you both have family, friends, hobbies, housework which keeps you busy one non work day a week?

Affectionate messages is just something you can both work on - you accepting less and him stepping up sometimes.
However I would prefer to judge someone by their actions - lovely words don't always translate to genuine empathy.

MonicaFree · 10/02/2023 14:49

Would a compromise be to have one weekend on and one weekend off? I don’t think I would like to be treated like this - having a day with me should be a treat!

BigButtons · 10/02/2023 15:17

Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 14:36

I think I should be enjoying this because frankly he's genuinely on most levels the nicest guy I have met, but I find it hard!

Show quote history

My oh is a genuinely lovely man - he is kind and considerate and trustworthy.
however, he doesn’t really fulfil my emotional needs and he won’t act on any thing I would like. We can have discussions and he says he will do stuff, but he never does. I thought I could put up with it but I am finding I am starting to resent him.

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