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Original poster

Adore my bf but relationship anxiety is exhausting me

58 replies

Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 13:24

Bf and I are in our mid 50s. If you are much younger, trust me when I say it's really hard to find a kind, funny man that you click with at this age. We have been dating 8 months, he is separated 2.5 years and going through a divorce. Honestly he is funny, interesting, and to me sexy and handsome. We met through mutual friends. We have the loveliest times walking, talking and hold hands and cuddle, a few short trips and dinners, sex is really great too. We see each other one sometimes two nights a week and one day and night at the weekend. We talk every day at least once but more if one of us is away. Both us don't want to remarry. There's a couple of things that are getting to me and I wish they wouldn't. Firstly he isn't affectionate in messages at all ( he was for about 3 months) and secondly always wants one day at the weekend on his own. I really want to enjoy the relationship and I love the time we have together which feels so intimate but in between seeing each other it doesn't. Any advice on being a cool girlfriend at 55....

OP posts:
BigButtons · 10/02/2023 15:26

Thing here is he might well be really lively but does he meet your needs in the relationship? Do you think you have similar needs. If he needs more space than you you have to decide whether you can put up with that. No matter how lovely he is he might not be a good fit for you. Food for thought.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 15:27

BigButtons · 10/02/2023 15:17

My oh is a genuinely lovely man - he is kind and considerate and trustworthy.
however, he doesn’t really fulfil my emotional needs and he won’t act on any thing I would like. We can have discussions and he says he will do stuff, but he never does. I thought I could put up with it but I am finding I am starting to resent him.

Show quote history

But...do you think that anyone would fulfil those needs? I think I am in the same position as you which is why I posted. I think I need to think about whether my emotional needs can be met or if I am asking for something near perfection. Age does come into it too... its very tough in your 50s to meet anyone half decent and he is more than that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 15:29

frozendaisy · 10/02/2023 14:40

You say he going through a divorce. So perhaps, quite healthily, he has decided for any relationship to not be his whole life and he has reconnected or made some new friends whom he is making sure he keeps time for in case it goes tits up with you.

This is ok.

Maybe, as I would and know my H would, he cringed everything he sent a soppy message at first but he didn't want to come across as "too businesslike" at first and now he can be his preferred usual functional message self.

So unless you want to end this and find someone who is all him plus a bit more what you want, which as you indicate might not be possible, enjoy your own free time at the weekend, keep up your friendships and don't overanalyze text messages from a grown man like a teenager.

Love this !

OP posts:
BigButtons · 10/02/2023 15:34

Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 15:27

But...do you think that anyone would fulfil those needs? I think I am in the same position as you which is why I posted. I think I need to think about whether my emotional needs can be met or if I am asking for something near perfection. Age does come into it too... its very tough in your 50s to meet anyone half decent and he is more than that.

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I completely agree with what you are saying and the questions you are asking. I have asked my self these questions too. I have asked myself whether is am asking too much. I have also asked myself whether I am settling for less than I could get because he is a lovely man and I don’t want him to go away.
I think only time will tell for you. If time goes by and you are feeling that you want more and are feeling unfulfilled then you must decided whether keep going or cut your loses.
i don’t really buy into the’ things are different at the start’ idea. I fell for my man because of how affectionate he was initially- now he is not nearly so affectionate and the lack of it is unsettling me.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 16:45

BigButtons · 10/02/2023 15:34

I completely agree with what you are saying and the questions you are asking. I have asked my self these questions too. I have asked myself whether is am asking too much. I have also asked myself whether I am settling for less than I could get because he is a lovely man and I don’t want him to go away.
I think only time will tell for you. If time goes by and you are feeling that you want more and are feeling unfulfilled then you must decided whether keep going or cut your loses.
i don’t really buy into the’ things are different at the start’ idea. I fell for my man because of how affectionate he was initially- now he is not nearly so affectionate and the lack of it is unsettling me.

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BigButtons is it that he isn't affectionate on all fronts ? Because for me I would say my bf over time is opening up and connecting with me but I do feel quite compartmentalised. Saying that I have a very nice kind male friend who real likes having a women to be around with for weekends and holidays but nothing more - barely any friends know about her: my point being that I think when men get to mid 50s are attractive, successful, have had a marriage and a family they might not be looking for more than some one to share intimacy and sex with.

OP posts:
BigButtons · 10/02/2023 16:54

Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 16:45

BigButtons is it that he isn't affectionate on all fronts ? Because for me I would say my bf over time is opening up and connecting with me but I do feel quite compartmentalised. Saying that I have a very nice kind male friend who real likes having a women to be around with for weekends and holidays but nothing more - barely any friends know about her: my point being that I think when men get to mid 50s are attractive, successful, have had a marriage and a family they might not be looking for more than some one to share intimacy and sex with.

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I think you have to decide what is important for you. What you can compromise on and what you can’t. If a relationship is making you anxious- as you say yours is- and mine certainly is- then you have to try and find out why.
I am anxiously attached and my OH is an avoidant. I am definitely compartmentalised even though he swears blind I am not- I am. Like there are days for bigbuttons and days when he wants to be in his own/ there is nothing wrong with wanting time all one- I certainly need time to myself- but for my OH- this is quite rigid. I feel he is kind of single/ not single if that makes sense?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 17:45

BigButtons · 10/02/2023 16:54

I think you have to decide what is important for you. What you can compromise on and what you can’t. If a relationship is making you anxious- as you say yours is- and mine certainly is- then you have to try and find out why.
I am anxiously attached and my OH is an avoidant. I am definitely compartmentalised even though he swears blind I am not- I am. Like there are days for bigbuttons and days when he wants to be in his own/ there is nothing wrong with wanting time all one- I certainly need time to myself- but for my OH- this is quite rigid. I feel he is kind of single/ not single if that makes sense?

Show quote history

I believe I am anxiously attached too. I think there are a lot of men who are also avoidant in mid life especially as many that I know feel burnt in a divorce situation and I think my bf is in that category. To be honest while on one level I am anxiously attached on a long term basis I am not, for example I wouldn't feel comfortable planning a holiday for Christmas 2023 as it's further ahead then the amount of time we have been together. I agree with you it feels as though he sees himself as single but I think that is more in contrast to being married.

OP posts:
NoDatingForOldMen · 10/02/2023 18:29

I think I sound like him as well, I have certainly been told messages can be short and to the point !, my job can be pretty busy at times, so weekends and down time are important as wind down, without feeling the need to be lively and entertaining all the time, sometimes it good just to have a day of alone time to relax

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 18:50

NoDatingForOldMen · 10/02/2023 18:29

I think I sound like him as well, I have certainly been told messages can be short and to the point !, my job can be pretty busy at times, so weekends and down time are important as wind down, without feeling the need to be lively and entertaining all the time, sometimes it good just to have a day of alone time to relax

That's interesting...

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 10/02/2023 19:04

I think I should be enjoying this

Where does that 'should' come from? What authority in your head is telling you what you should and shouldn't like? Does anything tell you you should like certain activities? Certain foods? Certain soft furnishings? What would you do if you felt you 'should' like a certain food that you didn't like? 'You should be enjoying broccoli more than this!' Wouldn't you be thinking 'Well, I don't actually care what I should be doing. I don't like broccoli, so I'm not going to eat it. Why the hell should I be trying to like something I don't actually like?!'

But...do you think that anyone would fulfil those needs

YOU, op. YOU are the person who fulfils your needs. You do it by putting stuff in place in your life to meet them. So, you need a partner who sends you affectionate messages? You find one. You need a partner who wants to spend the whole weekend together, you find one. But whilst you're looking, you don't judge yourself, or feel you're going without. Relationships are like the cinema; it's great to go, it's fun, we all love it, we all go, we all have a great time. But if you don't go for 5 years, it really doesn't matter because your needs for the cinema can be met elsewhere too. You 'need' connection? Find people. You 'need' sex? Get a toy. You 'need' to be loved? Treat yourself lovingly.

It's the same old story: this person doesn't make me happy... should I stay with them? Well, do you want to be happy?

purpledalmation · 10/02/2023 19:21

Learn to regard him and the relationship as an 'add on' to your life not the start and finish of it. Love him when he is there, but forget him when he is not. Its how he sees you. I think as people get older and wiser and have had difficult long relationships, they begin to see themselves as complete without a partner.

Someone who is emotionally high maintenance is exhausting if you just want a good companion/partner on a more part time basis.

Back off and you will find it easier.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 19:58

purpledalmation · 10/02/2023 19:21

Learn to regard him and the relationship as an 'add on' to your life not the start and finish of it. Love him when he is there, but forget him when he is not. Its how he sees you. I think as people get older and wiser and have had difficult long relationships, they begin to see themselves as complete without a partner.

Someone who is emotionally high maintenance is exhausting if you just want a good companion/partner on a more part time basis.

Back off and you will find it easier.

I think this is very sound advice. Tbh I was pretty much very happy without a bf then I was sitting in a hospital ward on my own for months with an ailing parent and I watched every one else around me arrive in couples and felt that was what I needed. Fast forward a few months and I met my bf and a month or so later my parent was back in hospital and died and he was fantastic, so supportive. The point I am making is that I will try your strategy knowing he will step up in a crisis. Can I ask how old (roughly) you are as your advice seems to have a lot of understanding. thank you.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 10/02/2023 20:03

If you're not living together then texting or phone calls is a large portion of communication, so if it doesn't hit the right note for you thats quite significant. It's the thread that keeps things going when Living apart together.

People are suggesting you regard him as a nice 'add on', but were you looking for a nice add on or a fully rounded relationship? I really don't think you should accept less than you actually want. Business-like messages would have me turned off and disinterested within a month.

monsteramunch · 10/02/2023 20:07

Sorry for your recent loss OP Flowers

iamenough2023 · 10/02/2023 20:12

I find that we often look outside for guidance when it comes to relationships, but really you should only look inside. The answer will be there. There a 8 billion people out there and every single one is different. We have different wants and needs; different things make us happy and upset and sad. Only you know what you want and what makes you happy. This man may be perfect for many other women but he may not be for you. I just got out of 25 years long marriage and am absolutely not looking for a relationship. All I need at this point is peace and quiet and am enjoying my freedom in every way. However, if I ever wanted to be in a relationship again I think I would be very picky as to what I would and would not accept and how much I would be willing to compromise. You need to be very honest with yourself and decided what you want/ need and what you are willing to accept from your partner. Talk to him and see how he feels about this. Maybe he is a keeper, maybe he is not. Only you can decide this.

converseandjeans · 10/02/2023 20:17

He sounds nice & good fun. I think when you're working a day to switch off alone isn't unreasonable. The alternative if you separate is all weekend without him.

Make use of the time off to relax or meet with friends.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 20:20

monsteramunch · 10/02/2023 20:07

Sorry for your recent loss OP Flowers

Thank you for your kindness.

OP posts:
Winemygoodenemy · 10/02/2023 21:16

it’s can be a head mess when they go from lovey dovey to just being them. My DP did that. First few months telling me move stuff. Now it’s just normal conversation in texts. I did think it was odd and had a wobble he was going off me.

He does call each day now than texting. I do know he loves me as he is really affectionate in person and does lovely things for me. Been dating 10 months and now in a routine we spend quality time together and can be our own person.

As work, social life’s and general life admin got in the way we settled to seeing each other 2/3 times a week. We don’t see each other on a Friday as he goes out with the lads to the pub. I sometimes don’t see him on a Saturday as I will be out with the girls. We accept we don’t see each other all weekend at times.

I like we have different social lives, which is natural as we are in our 40s. Some activities merge, others we keep separate.

if he is being attentive there is no issue

Opentooffers · 10/02/2023 21:31

When you say you talk daily in between visits, do you actually mean a daily phonecall or dispassionate texting? If its the latter, I can see how you'd feel a disconnect when apart.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 11/02/2023 07:43

Opentooffers · 10/02/2023 21:31

When you say you talk daily in between visits, do you actually mean a daily phonecall or dispassionate texting? If its the latter, I can see how you'd feel a disconnect when apart.

We chat on the phone, usually WhatsApp video about our day, something in the news etc, actually for maybe 30 minutes or so..

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 11/02/2023 07:45

Winemygoodenemy · 10/02/2023 21:16

it’s can be a head mess when they go from lovey dovey to just being them. My DP did that. First few months telling me move stuff. Now it’s just normal conversation in texts. I did think it was odd and had a wobble he was going off me.

He does call each day now than texting. I do know he loves me as he is really affectionate in person and does lovely things for me. Been dating 10 months and now in a routine we spend quality time together and can be our own person.

As work, social life’s and general life admin got in the way we settled to seeing each other 2/3 times a week. We don’t see each other on a Friday as he goes out with the lads to the pub. I sometimes don’t see him on a Saturday as I will be out with the girls. We accept we don’t see each other all weekend at times.

I like we have different social lives, which is natural as we are in our 40s. Some activities merge, others we keep separate.

if he is being attentive there is no issue

Thank you...I am just a bit hung up on the lack of kisses at the end of a text it seems so odd when we are so affectionate in person...

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 11/02/2023 11:10

if he is being attentive there is no issue

There is if OP isn't happy. It's an issue him eating broccoli if OP doesn't like it when people eat broccoli. It's not up to anybody to say whether something is an issue for someone else or not. I decide what's an issue for me, by looking at whether it makes me unhappy, angry, unsettled, any negative feeling. Nobody can tell me I'm wrong, and that's being an adult: recognising that what you need and want, as an individual, is tailored to you specifically. And then respecting that.

Winemygoodenemy · 11/02/2023 12:14

@Livelifelaughter I wouldn’t stress on kisses at end of texts. My DP used to and in the beginning stage said he liked it when I did that too. I didn’t really add kisses.

looking through texts he doesn’t really do that much now. In fact texts are not often, but he calls each day. But with his actions I know he loves me. He is not one for grand gifts and never bought me flowers. But he bought me a switch case as I damaged mine travelling. Always has my favourite chocolate and pop in his house. I am lactose intolerant and has cheese etc at his.

Watchkeys · 11/02/2023 12:40

Other people are not the template that you should be living your life by. They might be fine with it, you're not. They might like a switch case, cheese and pop, but you like kisses on texts. Unless you think that you should get into switch cases and cheese, those sort of comments aren't really relevant or useful, and will just serve to make you think your feelings are somehow 'wrong'.

They're not.

BigButtons · 11/02/2023 12:54

I agree that YOU decide what you want and need and YOU decide on whether what you are getting is enough for you. He might well be a lovely man but he might NOT be the right lovely man for you. Go with how you feel. If it feels good then that's great. If you are anxious then something is not right and he is probably not the right match for you.