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Original poster

Adore my bf but relationship anxiety is exhausting me

58 replies

Livelifelaughter · 10/02/2023 13:24

Bf and I are in our mid 50s. If you are much younger, trust me when I say it's really hard to find a kind, funny man that you click with at this age. We have been dating 8 months, he is separated 2.5 years and going through a divorce. Honestly he is funny, interesting, and to me sexy and handsome. We met through mutual friends. We have the loveliest times walking, talking and hold hands and cuddle, a few short trips and dinners, sex is really great too. We see each other one sometimes two nights a week and one day and night at the weekend. We talk every day at least once but more if one of us is away. Both us don't want to remarry. There's a couple of things that are getting to me and I wish they wouldn't. Firstly he isn't affectionate in messages at all ( he was for about 3 months) and secondly always wants one day at the weekend on his own. I really want to enjoy the relationship and I love the time we have together which feels so intimate but in between seeing each other it doesn't. Any advice on being a cool girlfriend at 55....

OP posts:
RatedAce · 11/02/2023 13:08

My long message disappeared!

I agree with @BigButtons

Trust your gut. If you dont feel safe or fulfilled, forget it. He is likely stubborn and rigid (avoidant tendencies) and you do not feel good. You are not being difficult or high maintencance. You wwil fnd a match. Friends cannot always see the nuance in relationships so take what your friend said with a pinch of salt.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 12/02/2023 13:56

RatedAce · 11/02/2023 13:08

My long message disappeared!

I agree with @BigButtons

Trust your gut. If you dont feel safe or fulfilled, forget it. He is likely stubborn and rigid (avoidant tendencies) and you do not feel good. You are not being difficult or high maintencance. You wwil fnd a match. Friends cannot always see the nuance in relationships so take what your friend said with a pinch of salt.

What I suppose I am saying is that there's more of this relationship that's great, there's openess and intimacy, sex and caring and companionship. And it's literally the best relationship I have had in 10 years. But it isn't perfect, he has more of an avoidant style and I am more anxious. Sometimes I know it's not logical, seriously we chat every day and spend all of Saturday and breakfast on Sunday and a day in the week and I just seem to need more which I can't think is normal at 55...

OP posts:
BigButtons · 12/02/2023 18:23

Livelifelaughter · 12/02/2023 13:56

What I suppose I am saying is that there's more of this relationship that's great, there's openess and intimacy, sex and caring and companionship. And it's literally the best relationship I have had in 10 years. But it isn't perfect, he has more of an avoidant style and I am more anxious. Sometimes I know it's not logical, seriously we chat every day and spend all of Saturday and breakfast on Sunday and a day in the week and I just seem to need more which I can't think is normal at 55...

Show quote history

I think you should stop finding reasons to stay if you are not getting what you need. You are scared to let me go because you think he's the best you can get.

If you want to carry on feeling anxious it's up to you. It doesn't sound like a good fit at all to me, but there avoidant men are never a good fit for anyone.

He will always make you anxious because he will always been pushing and pulling. He is throwing you nuggets of attention and you get a dopamine hit from it all. That's what happens in the anxious/avoidant dance.
Your call.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 12/02/2023 19:17

BigButtons · 12/02/2023 18:23

I think you should stop finding reasons to stay if you are not getting what you need. You are scared to let me go because you think he's the best you can get.

If you want to carry on feeling anxious it's up to you. It doesn't sound like a good fit at all to me, but there avoidant men are never a good fit for anyone.

He will always make you anxious because he will always been pushing and pulling. He is throwing you nuggets of attention and you get a dopamine hit from it all. That's what happens in the anxious/avoidant dance.
Your call.

Show quote history

Thank you. I do appreciate your honesty. I suppose the "but" for me is working on my attachment style. I wasn't always like this but after my divorce I became incredibly anxious in relationships.

OP posts:
BigButtons · 12/02/2023 20:53

Livelifelaughter · 12/02/2023 19:17

Thank you. I do appreciate your honesty. I suppose the "but" for me is working on my attachment style. I wasn't always like this but after my divorce I became incredibly anxious in relationships.

Show quote history

It’s a great thing to work on your attachment issues. Most of us have them- after all. BUT you must not lay the blame for your feelings solely at your own feet. It is most likely that as an avoidant he also has an insecure attachment style and doesn’t like too much closeness- hence the compartmentalisation of your relationship.
anxious attachers are very drawn to avoidants and vice Versa-
it’s not a healthy dynamic- however lovely the people involved.

Hbh17 · 12/02/2023 20:59

"Alone time" is essential - especially as we get older. He sounds great, but it's important to keep some independence.

LilaF · 12/02/2023 21:33

I know there is always a lot more going on than can be fit into a post here, so apologies if I’m reading too much between the lines. You mention your relationship anxiety as an issue. If he needs significant time alone, and this makes you anxious then there may be an inbuilt incompatibility that will only worsen if not addressed head on. Your need for more time together, and/or for love and reassurance may push him further into seeking time alone. I would consider looking into attachment types and whether he is an island (avoidant attached) which a large number of single men at this age are, and whether this perhaps conflicts with you if you are the anxious attached type. It’s not a criticism or judgement on either of you, just the way many of us single in middle-age are. Stan Tatkin has great books on the topic such as Your Brain on Love, and Wired for Love. There are ways forward but it takes honest and direct communication, and both parties to work on it willingly. Being the “cool girlfriend” implies ignoring your own needs, which is a very short term solution and not kind on yourself.

LilaF · 12/02/2023 21:36

I see now that others have suggested this too!

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