The end of the road...

[Youabsoluteblinder]

I've name changed as post could be outing.

I've been with my DH for 18 years (married for 12 years). We have 2 DC and I love him dearly but I just don't think / feel I can make him happy anymore (yes, I acknowledge it's not really my responsibility to make him happy). This is going to be a long post so bear with me...

We've had our ups and downs, like any other relationships, but there’s a couple of issues / situations that we keep returning to...

1. DH says that I rarely listen to him, never ask him how he's feeling or thank him for helping around the house.

Now I admit that I can be forgetful and may have zoned out of a conversation but for many years now I've made sure I ask him how he is and always try to remember to thank him for doing the housework or keeping an eye on the kids etc, as I know that he has brought this up in the past. Yet I can't help but feel that he's annoyed with me but won't tell me why.

2. I'm not as affectionate as I used to be, we rarely have sex and if we do then it's because DH has initiated it.

This is true. My sex drive has gone down (probably a mixture of my anti-depressants and also being peri-menopausal). I know that I should make more of an effort but most of the time I can't be arsed!

3. I don't take care of my health / body and I should make more of an effort to lose weight so that I can be around for the kids as long as possible.

Yes, I do need to get my arse in gear with this but so does my DH as we're both overweight. I think we both still have quite a few years ahead of us but he's convinced we won't make it to 50 (we're both 42!).

3. I seem to care more about my career than my DH and DCs.

I've always been ambitious and DH knows this (he said it was one of the things that attracted me to him when we met at uni) so I find it annoying that he chimes up with this phrase every so often. Things came to a head 18 months ago when I got a promotion Secondment within days of his job being disbanded and him subsequently being moved to a different team. My Secondment was time intensive (especially as I was studying a apprenticeship diploma through work as well) and I had told him that my new role would involve longer hours and he said he was fine with it. A few months in, it was clear that DH wasn't on board. I don't think his new job situation helped as he was incredibly unhappy and ended up going on sick leave for 6 months due to anxiety and depression. When he returned to work, I ended up securing a permanent promotion (my Secondment was ending so I needed to find another job). He was happy for me but I could tell he was a bit resentful that I'm definitely the main breadwinner (over the years, that role has switched between us). He, on the other hand, still hates his job but won't consider leaving as he doesn't know what to do. He's not been successful at getting an internal role, despite having several interviews.

I don't know what to do, as I feel as though I can't really communicate with him anymore. I don't open up as much, in fear that he will think i'm being selfish for talking about myself and not thinking about him.

He has said that I should want to 'change' if I really love him but I'm not 100% sure how he wants me to change and, more importantly, I'm not sure I want to change?

I really don't know what to do!

If you managed to read this until the end then thank you.

Do you do housework? I mean, I'm assuming you do, but does he thank you for doing your bit of maintaining the home you both love in?

So many more things I could comment on, but starting there as it jumped out at me and I have to go chase children into school uniform now

That jumped out at me too! Sorry OP it’s not very helpful but perhaps it’s time to reassess, as you have clearly “settled” and neither of you seems happy.

Sounds like he’s jealous and insecure because your career has been more successful. Is it possible to have a really honest and open conversation about what you both want be it stay together or separate

Sounds like the relationship is getting tired to me.

Why do you have to thank him for acting like an adult or the father he is? Does he thank you for doing housework or looking after the kids.

Off work for 6 months with anxiety & depression? I don’t think it’s you that is the problem - although he may find it easier to blame you for everything than look at himself.

The thanking him for housework and childcare really jumped out at me, too. I mean it’s his house and they’re his children aren’t they - so it’s his job to do those things as much as it is yours. Does he thank you for doing them?

The ops beat me to it.
Thank him????
You sound as unhappy as he is.
You really need to "do you"
Do what makes you happy, the pressure to keep your partner happy is enormous, I know this from experience.
I've just split with my oh, same as you, he's not happy, I've been jumping through hoops trying to make him happy until I just gave up, he's been gone a week, I thought I'd be devastated but I'm actually ok, I feel free!
Seriously op, do what makes you happy, life's too short.

Thanks for the responses so far - you've given me a lot to think about.

Re housework - I would say it's a 65:45 split him to me (he'd probably think its more 90:10). I deal with all the 'mental load' stuff like booking breakfast club, after school clubs, holiday clubs, extracurricular activities, parents evening, responding to school emails (even though he also receives them).

School drop off / pick is 50:50 between us.

We're going down to London this weekend to celebrate my dad's 80th birthday as well as my own, which is on valentines day. Oh the irony!

I meant 65:35 split! Clearly can't do maths this time of the morning whilst trying to get kids ready for school.

@Sindonym - what was so hard was having to keep his sick leave a 'secret'. He didn't tell anyone (not even his brother, who works in the same office as him) and didn't want me to say anything. In the end I had to tell a couple of close friends, just for my own sanity.

He was offered anti-depressants but stopped taking them because it affected his wanking (so to be so gross) and refused to get counselling, rather to offload on me as he's helped me in the past. It felt as though he thought he was entitled to do this, despite him seeing how I've used different modes of therapy (CBT counselling etc) to cope through difficult times.

Again - sorry for the long post.

It does sound like he is resentful of your career success.

As others have said, it’s a bit much he wants to be thanked for doing his bit around the home. Does he thank you for all the mental load stuff that you do?

When he says ypu don't thank him, does he actually mean throw yourself on the ground prostrate and thank him, or does he mean appreciate and acknowledge?

I live alone with my 16 year old daughter. I don’t thank her such for doing her chores but I quite often say "it makes such a difference when I get home and you've done x, y or z" or "it looks really nice in here". The equivalent would be you saying something similar to him about what he's done or him saying "the children are so lucky, without you organising it, they wouldn't be able to do half the stuff they do."

My boyfriend and i dont live togerher but we always thank the other for cooking or acknowledge if the other has gone iut of their way to make the living room look nice or whatever

In my longest relationship of 12 years, one thing we always did was appreciate and acknowledge each other's contribution to the relationship especially when it came to lightening the load for the other.

My parents were married for over 20 years. It didn't work and they split up but they also acknowledged what the other did (most of the time).

The theme on MN is that no one should ever be acknolwledged because house/family stuff is just what adults should do but it does make life run more smoothly if people feel appreciated.

That kind of thing can breed resentment and leaving people feel that their contribution isn't valued. Sometimes it leaks into other things as they start to think "and another thing..."

It does need to work both ways though...

Gawd - are you sure you don’t just want to end it OP? I don’t think I could continue living with him without some significant changes.

If you wanted to end it I would certainly understand why.

It’s all about what he wants. If you’re happy as you are, tell him to jog in if he doesn’t like it.
sounds like he’s sucking the life out of you 💐

I suggest you read your post again OP. I think he has given you the reasons why he feels resentful. Whether they are reasonable or not, there is no mystery.

I see many people are jumping on the housework thing and I get it, but if we look at his complaints in general he is saying he feels neglected by you. We aren't there so can't say that it is reasonable or not - probably a bit of both (i.e. expecting thanks for doing less than half the housework is unreasonable, feeling upset at the lack of affection and intimacy from you sounds like it has more of a basis in fact). I really wouldn't underestimate the importance of the physical intimacy aspect to him and how it will colour his general view of the marriage.

Typical mumsnet response. If the genders were reversed aye...

Your husband is obviously feeling undervalued. He is crying out for affection and intimacy but you say you 'can't be arsed'.

He has told you what he needs, now time for action on both your sides. Have you communicated what you need? If the communication has broken, time for couple's counselling.

Do you get time together alone as a couple? Date nights? Could you set a date night for once a fortnight/month and hire a babysitter for a few hours. Or alternatively get away for 1 night every couple of months where grandparents/family could have the kids overnight. Try to reconnect as a couple.

I read the housework as being 65:35 him:her but that she carries the mental load for the children?

I agree that he has made his feelings clear and that he is feeling undervalued and unappreciated.

If someone couldn't be arsed to acknowledge me including re intimacy or sex in a relationship, I'd be feeling pretty unappreciated too!

I suspect an actual conversation where both parties feel heard and understood would be a starting point.

What jumps out at me is that he's expecting you to change, but it seems
His behaviour is the same but he doesn't see any issues

Does he thank you for doing the house work
Is he affectionate (other than sex)
Does he look after himself, good diet and exercise
You've already said he's not willing to do anything about his job
I take it he's happy to spend the money you earn

Op it takes two people to make a successful marriage. What do YOU want out of a partner and is HE fulfilling that?

He wants you to thank him for "helping" around the house?;am I missing something here?;you both work full time and therefore be splitting the housework 50/50,he's not "helping" it's called being an adult who has a house he's jointly responsible for.I'm betting your not thanked for doing housework.

As for the low labido;as someone who's suffered from depression himself you'd think he'd be more understanding about where you are mentally and the effects it can have.

It doesn't sound as though you're putting your career first,if he's had a long period on sick pay in the past then I'm assuming you bore the financial burden of that.He's petty,insecure and jealous of your job.Even in 2023 it's unfortunately still a thing that many men don't like their female partners "doing better" than them.

You're right when you say he's not happy;he wants a wife who's subservient to him;earns less and puts out when he feels like it.

The real question is what is he doing to make you happy?

Your husband is abit of a twat.

@firstmummy2019 - we do have date nights. I've booked the kids into holiday club next week so we can have a day just to ourselves and we're going away on a mini-break next weekend whilst our friends look after our kids. I do arrange time for us as a couple.

It just doesn't seem to be enough for him.

Does he arrange these things for you?

@GreyCarpet - I've tried having conversations with him but it ends up with him saying that I'm not listening to him (again). As he feels like i'm not paying attention to him, I suggested that he sought counselling as i can't seem to help him but he won't consider it. I've even said to him that I'm not sure I can continue with this marriage because we have the same arguments and we don't seem to be getting any further forward. DH responds that I'm not working hard enough to change for our marriage.

@CleaningOutMyCloset - it's usually a case of me suggesting a weekend that's close to my birthday or our anniversary etc for us to go away but sometimes he'll ask his siblings if they can have the kids overnight so we can go out for the night.

If you are career minded why should you have to change? Actually it's a good job you are given his periods on sick leave and Jack of ambition himself.

I suspect to be frank this is mainly about lack of sex- but in all honesty I wouldn't be interested either in a bloke who does bugger all but criticise me and basically tell me I look a mess etc

if it started out as a good relationship - not just the honeymoon phase but after that too - is it worth you doing some counselling, even alone? I found solo counselling amazingly helpful, much more so than couples counselling.

You do seem to have reached a bit of an impasse but it would be a lot to break the marriage up if it can be salvaged.