The end of the road...

[Youabsoluteblinder]

I've name changed as post could be outing.

I've been with my DH for 18 years (married for 12 years). We have 2 DC and I love him dearly but I just don't think / feel I can make him happy anymore (yes, I acknowledge it's not really my responsibility to make him happy). This is going to be a long post so bear with me...

We've had our ups and downs, like any other relationships, but there’s a couple of issues / situations that we keep returning to...

1. DH says that I rarely listen to him, never ask him how he's feeling or thank him for helping around the house.

Now I admit that I can be forgetful and may have zoned out of a conversation but for many years now I've made sure I ask him how he is and always try to remember to thank him for doing the housework or keeping an eye on the kids etc, as I know that he has brought this up in the past. Yet I can't help but feel that he's annoyed with me but won't tell me why.

2. I'm not as affectionate as I used to be, we rarely have sex and if we do then it's because DH has initiated it.

This is true. My sex drive has gone down (probably a mixture of my anti-depressants and also being peri-menopausal). I know that I should make more of an effort but most of the time I can't be arsed!

3. I don't take care of my health / body and I should make more of an effort to lose weight so that I can be around for the kids as long as possible.

Yes, I do need to get my arse in gear with this but so does my DH as we're both overweight. I think we both still have quite a few years ahead of us but he's convinced we won't make it to 50 (we're both 42!).

3. I seem to care more about my career than my DH and DCs.

I've always been ambitious and DH knows this (he said it was one of the things that attracted me to him when we met at uni) so I find it annoying that he chimes up with this phrase every so often. Things came to a head 18 months ago when I got a promotion Secondment within days of his job being disbanded and him subsequently being moved to a different team. My Secondment was time intensive (especially as I was studying a apprenticeship diploma through work as well) and I had told him that my new role would involve longer hours and he said he was fine with it. A few months in, it was clear that DH wasn't on board. I don't think his new job situation helped as he was incredibly unhappy and ended up going on sick leave for 6 months due to anxiety and depression. When he returned to work, I ended up securing a permanent promotion (my Secondment was ending so I needed to find another job). He was happy for me but I could tell he was a bit resentful that I'm definitely the main breadwinner (over the years, that role has switched between us). He, on the other hand, still hates his job but won't consider leaving as he doesn't know what to do. He's not been successful at getting an internal role, despite having several interviews.

I don't know what to do, as I feel as though I can't really communicate with him anymore. I don't open up as much, in fear that he will think i'm being selfish for talking about myself and not thinking about him.

He has said that I should want to 'change' if I really love him but I'm not 100% sure how he wants me to change and, more importantly, I'm not sure I want to change?

I really don't know what to do!

If you managed to read this until the end then thank you.

@Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight - no, I'm not an interrupter and yes, I have probably 'checked out'.

I know he's struggling with his career but I am, and have been, trying to support him. I understand he's depressed but he's not doing anything to help himself. I know it can be hard, as I've suffered depression on/off for years, but he asked me to take steps to help myself and I did. I've asked him to heed his own advice but he doesn't want to do it.

Yes, I've not been as affectionate as he would like but I have given him time.

He sounds very self pitying in those messages, and he’s putting all the responsibility for making his life better onto you.
He wants you to change yourself. He doesn’t want to change himself.
Wanting to be thanked for doing two thirds of the housework is pathetic, and no I wouldn’t feel differently if the sexes were reversed.

So he won’t take antidepressants, but he wants you to take HRT.
He wants you to have counselling, and you have in the past, yet he refuses marriage counselling.
Its a one way street .

I think you have both got stuck in blaming each other/ checking out a bit.

He actually seems the one trying to connect and to me his text screams I want the marriage to succeed whereas it seems you'd be relieved if he just said let's divorce?

He's an energy vampire who wants you to be as bloody miserable as him and to take the blame for it all while you're at it. As for him making any positive changes to help himself - this is the guy who won't take ADs 'because it affects his wanking' 🙄

It seems that everything is your fault and it up to you to fix it. The reality is that you have been keeping things going for a long time. Your husband does not like his job. He was off for 6 months with anxiety and depression. I am sure at that time he was not on full pay so you were keeping the bills paid and trying to help him get better.

You want him to take anti depressants to make him feel better. He refuses to do this because they effect his wanking.

You want him to go to marriage counseling but he refuses to do this despite knowing that your marriage is not going well.
Along with this he hates his job but refuses to look for another job.

You just had enough of him not dealing with his issues like an adult. You went through a few tough times in the past but you delt with them.
He needs to be told that it's time to grow up and take some responsibility in improving his own life. He needs to take anti depressants and work on getting a new job.
I would also tell him that you have decided that as a couple you are going to marriage counseling.

If he refuses to do this he has given you no other choice but to look into getting a divorce.
I would get legal advice on doing this and bring all your financial details including pension details to your solicitor. I would not tell him your plans until you know more.
I think he is happy to blame you for everything because he is in unwilling/unable to accept that he has problems that he needs to work on.

This sums it up well.

What's you to lower yourself so he can feel better about himself.

He's an energy vampire who wants you to be as bloody miserable as him and to take the blame for it all while you're at it. As for him making any positive changes to help himself - this is the guy who won't take ADs 'because it affects his wanking' 🙄

This.
He's starting to sound a bit abusive honestly. I'd have the ick re these long messages. I vomited a little in my mouth at the wanking comment.

He's quite happy to give you a shopping list of improvements for yourself but have you done the same back?
If you need counselling, so does he.
If you need medication, so does he.
If you need to stop drinking, so doss he.
Etc
Or is it all you needing to be better and He's fine as is.
Seems to me like you do this shopping list of requirements and there will be another.

I think what he actually wants is you to do all the money earning (as long as it doesn't affect him), all the housework, all the mental load, all the work full stop and then give him a blow job or sex every night.

I think I would be just cutting my losses about now and separate.

You can't make him happy, only he can do that. You can only enjoy being happy together. This guy will never be happy.

He's giving me the ick and I don't even know him. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him.

Yes, all of this. It's all your fault, according to him. If only you'd do exactly as he wants, everything would be fine I wouldn't want to shag him/be affectionate either, in your situation.

OP, would a trial separation work, just to give you both a breather from the situation you're in. Is it doable do you think? Could a cleaner take care of the household tasks enough for you to manage your workload and the children? It might help you both see where the real problem lies.

I think his reluctance to seek help for himself, which he clearly needs, means there is literally nothing you can do to make the situation better. You could meet all of his requests in full and he would still find fault with you because the problem is mostly him.