Breakdown after my relationship ending

[littlerayofsunshine0]

My partner and i were together 20 years and have 2 smalls kids together which took us overv8 years to have. After we had the kids and I went through postnatal depression our relationship changed and we went through a rough patch. He decided to leave in Sept just before kids started school. He ended up seeing a 24 year old and she's now almost 4 months pregnant with his child. I'm absolutely shattered that he's moved on so soon and the fact he left this home and family we created so lovingly together. We were trying to fix things between us and initially were hoping to reunite until the pregnancy came about with this girl. We are both in our late 30s and my life was with him and my future. Its all gone while he's happy elsewhere and creating a whole new life I feel I'm having a complete breakdown. The entire life I put my heart and soul into is gone and I'm not coping well with it at all. I've even fallen apart on my children. He takes them every other weekend and they've now met the other partner and are excited about the baby. Hearing about it all from them just cuts me to the bone. I've lost all life inside of me. Everyone is telling me to stop wallowing and get on with life but I'm finding it so difficult considering we were both very much wanting to make things right. We were only broke up a few weeks and him and the girl made a baby. Ours are only 4 & 5. All my future plans are out the window now. I'm struggling with not having him around anymore. I'm a complete shell, crying all the time, not able to focus on things and the whole thing with the kids being shared between us is breaking me too. I'm the one doing the everyday things with them while he plays happy families every other weekend with the new gf and has money to do fun things with them so obviously the kids prefer time with their dad instead. I'm still living in the family home we shared for over 13 years and struggling with the memories in it, it doesn't feel like home anymore in fact I try to stay out of it as much as possible. And when dad has the kids I can't even bring myself to stay in the house whatsoever. I'm just stuck in this deep pit of depression. All my thoughts are negative and I feel like I'm not coping as a mum as I've completely lost myself. He wants to remain on good terms with me and I'd like that too but at the same time it's causing issues as we both still love each other but it's now a forbidden love as he's decided he needs to do the right thing and stay with her plus keeps bringing up why he felt the need to leave as we were having a bad patch and it's leaves me blaming myself even more. I'd just like him to come back home to the family he planned. My life has been him from 17 that I don't know how to be alone and be alone as a single mum of 2 small kids while dealing with this pain. I'm also angry/jealous that he has created a whole new life elsewhere. Doesn't have to deal with the pain of learning how to live a life on his own or cope with the fact our entire life is gone. He tells me this was never the plan about the baby, his plan was to come home and work things out. When were in contact the conversation is about missing each other and wishing things hadn't turned out this way. He talks about "we don't know what the future holds" and doesn't know how things will work out with the other person yet he's chose to stay with her. It has me so confused so it then causes arguments between us. I don't know how to pick myself up from this nightmare, I'm absolutely heartbroken. I cant eat, I've dropped a lot of weight, barely sleep and not functioning as I would have so feel like a failure to the kids. I also feel like I'm competing with the other girl in terms of my kids. I need a handhold please because honestly I've thought about suicide a few times as I can't see light at the end of tunnel. I'm completely alone and struggling financially as well. My mental health has never been like this before. I'm full of pain and jealousy and hopelessness. My kids seem to have such a good time with him and her that I've found myself wondering if they'd give them a better life than I could right now. I love my kids unconditionally and never thought id have to share them with another person. I don't know where to turn or what to do to get myself out of this mind frame. I loved that man with every inch of my being, we were best friends and I don't know how to do life without him.

I have no words but feel so sad for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel like I'd be the same if I was in your shoes. Heartbreaking.

thankyou @gemloving

Clearly your ex partner didn't feel the same, maybe he wanted to end it a long time ago but played the duck cost fallacy and stayed. Do you have much real life support?

It's hard to say this without seeming harsh, but really you need to take control now. There is obviously no bad feeling between the two of you so maybe you could ask his help in recovering? More involvement with the DC, maybe help with the house? You probably need to get some professional help as well, if you're thinking of suicide. Those children need their mother, now, in the future and forever.

Within weeks of splitting up and him telling you that you might work through things, he made a baby with someone else! He lied basically and he's lying now when he says he loves you still, not because of anything you have done, its what is inside him, which is a lower capacity for love. He's got the wrong idea of what love is. Do not believe everything that comes out of his mouth so easily, because his actions say the total opposite. One person may have been trying to reconcile, but it's clear he wasn't.
He has a very low threshold of what love is and it's very conditional on life being rosy, which it never is all the time. Once his next baby is here, he will likely go through the same emotions with her and end up leaving her too. They don't even have the strength of a shared history or any loyalty to pull them through it.
Your DC need you to be the dependable parent. They will be far better off with you as your ex has already been shown to lack the consistency and dedication it takes to nurture DC. Your DC will come to realise his failings in time.
You need professional support as well as friends and family - who have their limits. It's good you are aware that you are currently stuck in negativity. To find a way through, talk to your GP and get refered for therapy. I hope one day you are able to come out the other side and see your ex as the shit person he so obviously is to us. It will be a hard road, but once travelled, you will find that you will have developed far more as a person than you ever would of with him.

YOU are the strong parent, you haven't run away when it got bad.
Believe me, the worst IS now over. Your body is resettling into this new NEW.
Please go to the doctor for some medicine to get you over this bit, whilst also arranging some weekly counselling (ask the doc).
You CAN DO THIS I promise.
Before the end of the summer there will have been days when you feel better, and laugh with your children. They're already marked on the calendar, you just can't see them yet. You'll get to them, I know it.
Take care, and like an alcoholic, to survive the days without him in this new life, just focus on one day or one hour at a time.
It will be worth it when you are at your children's prom or graduation from school, you'll be so proud.
Hang on.

I know this is shit. I also know that you will come out the other side and be fine. You will look back and be cross at yourself you wallowed for so long. 1. Go to drs get signed off work and get antidepressants. 2. Tidy your house and throw his stuff out. 3. Stop stressing kids prefer him YOU ARE THE MOTHER and we all know this is different. You will be the one doing all the homework and making them do chores etc and he will be Disney dad but they will know what's important when they grow up. Don't get confused...if he wanted to make a go of it with you he would as you have two of his kids and she has none yet. You will meet someone much better than him and you are young yet. You will wonder in time what you saw in him. 4. Gonon line and buy some breakup books and join the forums to get support. Best of luck

Also they day after 6 weeks you will feel much better so mark it on your calendar and look forward to it. Bachs herbal remedies are great for the heartache

Please please don't do anything rash. I was at a funeral last week of a young man who committed suicide. To see the absolute devastating affect this has had on his parents, siblings and grandad was heartbreaking.
Hang on in there. Go to a doc and get some medical help for now. Maybe counselling. Your children need you.
Thinking of you. It's tough but you will get through this. You have to. Xxx

I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you. I can feel the pain coming through your post. It's hard to know what to say, as to a certain extent it's out of your hands now. It's sounds as though your partner had intentions to try to make it work again with you, but his GF became pregnant and although he was probably torn, has chosen her.

The only thing that's in your control is how you now move forward from this. As hard and unfair as it is you need to start to live your own life. This site is full of women who have come out the other side and ultimately been happier, often meeting a new and better partner, but you've got to work through your misery first. It's also possible that it won't work out with the GF and some time down the line he may want to come back to you. Don't bank on this, but if it were to happen, hopefully you will have moved on.

Have a period of time crying to help get it out of your system, then try to take an hour at a time, when you do something for yourself that you enjoy. Try to meet up with friends, or family to distract you; anything that you want to do, that might help put him out of your head.

You need to find a way of not focusing on your ex and his new life and I would suggest you get some CBT to help you learn how to do this ASAP. People telling you to stop wallowing may be well meaning but feelings don’t work like that and we aren’t trained to know how to handle the absolute shit that life throws at us. It isn’t your fault that you feel like you do- this has been done to you.

When I was in a similar situation I really struggled with being able to focus on anything and just felt like I was failing. The CBT helped me see things differently.

I can’t see if you’ve mentioned how you’re sleeping but I’m guessing not very well so see your GP and as if you can get a short prescription of sleeping pills, no one can think clearly when they’re exhausted.

You need to stop all talk of your relationship with your ex- it’s doing you no good. Keep all conversations about the kids only and get him to pull his weight more.

You have my sympathy for everything you’re going through, you just have to keep going because you absolutely will come out the other side of this.

Doctor for help with the depression.
He is keeping you dangling thats why it hurts as he isnt letting you move on.
Even if he came back to you itd never be the same as youd be walking on eggshells in case his life was too 'hard' and he left again.
He has put himself in a stupid position and I expect were she not pregnant he wouldnt be keeping you dangling as he'd be living a free easy life with her. Hes waiting to see what happens when the baby is born.
Clearly he isnt someone you can count on. You dont see it now, but you are better off.
Your children love you and need you and dont prefer him and her to you.
Even a tired and sad mummy is a million percent better than no mummy.
It isnt a forever situation. It will get better.
So, do what you can to help yourself now. Doctor. Write your partner off as what you had is gone now and wont be the same whatever morsel he throws you. Keep contact to a minimum, tell him maybe one day in the future youll be friends but not for a long while yet as it's too raw. Focus on doing nice bonding things with the children at home. Movies, pretending spa or hairdressers, reading stories, acting things out. Crafts. Little cheap friendly stuff at home. Tell them not to tell you all about his new partner just yet. Use the time they are away to do things for yourself.
It will get better.

You’ve suffered a horrible loss

of the future dreams and of the trust you had

in addition to that - you are seeing him seemingly living the dream when you are alone and feeling lonely and sad

this is very VERY hard indeed !

but do be clear that he’s not necessarily someone you’d want to stake yourself to for life

i respect good father and good parents and that he is NOT
fucking making a baby so fast
who does that ? Was he thinking 🤔

did he think about his kids ?
did he think about a stable life for this new baby
wanker he is

some practical things you can do

use the weekend to detox the house
get rid of his shit and the signs
clean repaint and get rid
make sure you are practicing self care
it’s hard work , exercise and food
get yourself some MH support , meds and talk
hang with more single mum friends
they get it , they get wallowing
I do !

please have hope lovely x

He talks about "we don't know what the future holds" and doesn't know how things will work out with the other person yet he's chose to stay with her

fuck this
he’s made his decision hasn’t he?

you have to do what every heartbroken person has to do and no contact him

grey rock 🪨 google it
block social media
no talk , none
just handover
ice this cxxt

hes tested you despicably and he needs to understand this

Do I cut contact but.. im so confused by it all because I'd obviously like to remain in good contact with him for the kids sake and because we have been together a lifetime. We basically grew up as kids into adulthood together. I don't want to cut him out, but in saying that us talking leaves me in an awful state as it makes me remember what we had together and if there wasn't a baby on the scene with her my family would be together again instead of broken. He's getting pissed with me because at times we are getting on really well but then other times my emotions kick in and I pull away and stop contact until things are smoothed over again. I cant seem to block out my pain to keep decent communication with him, but he thinks I'm just trying to be spiteful. He wants to remain in contact but I'm not sure if that's just to keep close to the kids when he doesn't have them or if its to keep me lingering incase things don't pan out. I've said this to him and I've been told to stop guessing what he's thinking that I'm not in his head and I'm over thinking too much

I’m so sorry OP. I just wanted to hold your hand.

This is REALLY hard. It’s really hard, it’s really painful it bloody sucks.

It is not your fault.

I’m afraid you need to reframe the way you are thinking about your ex and his actions.

You we’re NOT “both very much wanting to make things right” - he was more interested in shagging another woman.

He is not staying with her because it is “the right thing” - he is doing it because that is what he has chosen (and he is hardly doing “the right thing” by talking to you about it in this way - it’s not what he is telling her!)

It is not ok to behave like this “because of a rough patch” - that excuses nothing and twists his behaviour onto you in a completely unfair way.

Likewise saying he still loves you, hinting about the future etc is just a way for him to try and have his cake and eat it.

OP. You are NOT cake!!

Try to manage the mornings and give your kids hugs. Then give yourself permission to cry all day if you want while they are at school. Likewise once they have gone to bed. It’s ok to tell them you’re sad, but try to reassure them that you’ll be ok. Feeling sad isn’t shameful.

See the GP as a priority.

Write down a few things you need to do and whenever you have the tiniest spurt of energy try and tick one off. You say you’re struggling financially - it would be a good idea to try and speak to a solicitor about what plans could be put in place regarding your home and financial support etc. That might be too much right now but it needs to be done soon.

Try to reach out to a close friend or family member for some support if you can. When you get out of the house at the moment where do you go?

Most of all, try not to interact with your ex even if you just set yourself a target of a week, or two or four initially. Try to focus on yourself - feel your feelings, talk to people and allow yourself to look at this man’s behaviour towards you as it really is.

Please don’t worry about your children loving him more or having more fun with him. Maybe they do have fun with him right now - it doesn’t matter. You are their safe place and their mother. They need you and they love you more than anything in the world. You’re going to be ok - and they are going to see you be ok, and know that people can recover from grief and pain and all the shit the world throws at us. Try to stay in the NOW. And take one day at a time.

There are lots of people on this site who care about what’s happening to you - you are not alone.

What serves you ?

having weekly fruitless chats that end with you feeling shitty ? As he heads back to a pregnant 24 year old ?

you can and will hopefully co parent

but be clear he’s treated you shabbily and doesn’t deserve your friendship and time

sounds like (don’t blame you ) you are hoping

but the brutal facts are not only did he get someone pregnant
hes now with her !
he hasn’t dumped her and come back has he

sorry I’m sounding brutal but his actions here are strong
and his words make you feel shit x

You don’t need to have contact right now - that doesn’t mean that in future you can’t have an amicable relationship.

It is ok to say “I just can’t be in contact with you right now”. It is unreasonable of him to expect anything else in the aftermath of what’s happened.

You don’t need to be aggressive or dramatic about it. Just set a boundary behind which you can feel safer and find some emotional balance. He is not going to provide you with that - you need to make that space for you.

He has no business throwing one single criticism your way right now.

NO BUSINESS.

He talks about "we don't know what the future holds" and doesn't know how things will work out with the other person yet he's chose to stay with her.
It's unfair and unpleasant of him to play with your feelings and hopes like this. A really thoughtless, unkind thing for him to say - even if he actually meant it (which his actions belie), he should keep these ideas to himself as long as he's not about to do any of these things he's hinting at. I'm angry with him on your behalf for this idiotic behaviour OP.

You'll need some contact with him for the kids' sake, but if he brings anything like this up again you're going to have to be stern with him (and yourself) and tell him to cut it out. Stick to what is required for the kids.

My life has been him from 17 that I don't know how to be alone and be alone as a single mum of 2 small kids while dealing with this pain.
Make sure that he does play his part properly, too, and you don't just get all the shit work.
I had therapy after my 20-year relationship broke up - it was very useful. One thing the therapist said as an aside was that many of her clients, even when they have been through something horrible like this, say that they come out of it in the end (years later) feeling a stronger person, and that many of them are even grateful for some of the changes that happen as a result of the awful thing. I feel like that myself too now, even though I wouldn't have believed it then. I've had to become a lot more self-reliant - I'd never really lived alone, in my own home, for instance, so I had to work out all of the paperwork etc. on my own for the first time. Now I know that I can go it alone, and it's reassuring. I feel much stronger than when I was with my exh.

Go to your GP, get whatever medication/therapy they have to offer to get you through the first shock and set you up for the future. People are there to help you do this. Read books, listen to podcasts, talk to fellow sufferers, go on courses, try a bit of all the different methods there are for dealing with depression and see what helps.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have been here I remember the pain and despair like it was yesterday.
Married for 18 years, children. He needed "space to think" and left, kept saying we were working it out and no one knows what the future holds etc. His OW was waiting in the wings the whole time, also a younger woman in her very early 20s. (He was early 40s).

I'm going to throw a few more clichés at you now but these were so true for me and honestly got me through it.

Don't believe his words, believe his actions. What he says is what you want to hear, what he does is what he means. If he wanted to be with you he would. I don't mean that to sound harsh at all. It took me a while to accept that one.

Fake it til you make it. I was much the same as you, couldn't eat, sleep, struggled to function. Stop telling him how sad and hurt you are, save that for your friends who will support you through this. Any contact should be about practicalities. No niceties. I'm not saying turn on him, just treat him like the children's father, not your husband or your best friend. Be upbeat and positive at handovers and save the tears for when he's gone. One day soon you'll realise that you're not faking it anymore.

Kill them with kindness. You may want to throttle the pair of them, I know I did. But instead I was extremely civil and reasonable towards him. You don't have to have any contact with her but if there is, don't give her the satisfaction of being "the terrible wife he had to put up with". You will feel proud of yourself when you come out the other end of this.

I promise you that you will get through this. It was the worst time of my life and I truly felt like my life was ruined, past, present and future. Now I look back and see how it all changed me for the better.

Your children may love spending time there but believe me when I say that you are and always will be their number one. Their safe place. I felt a lot if resentment that he was getting all the fun time while I was wading through mud uphill but it all comes full circle.

Keep going, even when you think you can't Xx

So sorry to hear what you are going through OP, it's awful.
I know it's awful but the first thing that comes to the fore is the fact that he says he still loves you and this is not what he planned! Sorry, but he really should not be saying this. It's wrong on 2 counts. That is he shouldn't be saying this as he shouldn't be keeping you on the "back burner" as it's confusing to you and your kids and also it's cruel.
I would try to move on from this by seeking out support for you and your children but also by not engaging with him at all unless it relates to child support because it sounds like you are engaging with him with the hope of getting back together and he is feeding you a line. And he is not feeding you this line to be supportive to you, rather he is doing this to alleviate his guilt and/or keeping in mind that he has a back out clause right back to you, no questions asked. If the latter, this is irresponsible to his now pregnant girlfriend and really a bit shit to you and your kids too...it's just too much confusion and possible chaos for the future.
You need to give yourself time to think and reflect about the situation now; cos right now you are going through a grieving process and you need to take time to think calmly about what he has done, what he is doing now and how you can protect you and your kids from his decisions.
Take care.

I would

1. Ask him to come back

2. If not - find another decent man

I’m so sorry OP. Been there when my DC was a baby (minus the OW pregnancy). It was bloody tough and none of my friends, all happily married, understood and still don’t have the first idea of how tough being a lone parent it is.

I took every hour at a time at first and gradually grew stronger. Ten years on I look back and I’m glad I’m not with him, my life is so much better than it ever could have been with my ex h.

Does your ex only have the children every other weekend? If so that doesn’t sound very often. You really need some headspace at this time. Could he do more?

I doubt he’ll be quite so happy when he’s got a newborn baby with sleepless nights, non stop laundry & OW is too tired for him.

Stay strong.

Remember that if he did come back, you wouldn't be with the man you thought you were with before he left.
You'd be with a man who gets a much younger woman lined up, (has an affair?), dumps his lifetime partner unceremoniously, makes it feel as if that's her fault (when the "rough patch" was very likely all him pining after the younger woman), doesn't use a condom, messes both partners around by telling them both what they want to hear, doesn't bother to ensure that his kids are financially secure, and then (if he goes back to you) dumps the other woman too.