Breakdown after my relationship ending

[littlerayofsunshine0]

My partner and i were together 20 years and have 2 smalls kids together which took us overv8 years to have. After we had the kids and I went through postnatal depression our relationship changed and we went through a rough patch. He decided to leave in Sept just before kids started school. He ended up seeing a 24 year old and she's now almost 4 months pregnant with his child. I'm absolutely shattered that he's moved on so soon and the fact he left this home and family we created so lovingly together. We were trying to fix things between us and initially were hoping to reunite until the pregnancy came about with this girl. We are both in our late 30s and my life was with him and my future. Its all gone while he's happy elsewhere and creating a whole new life I feel I'm having a complete breakdown. The entire life I put my heart and soul into is gone and I'm not coping well with it at all. I've even fallen apart on my children. He takes them every other weekend and they've now met the other partner and are excited about the baby. Hearing about it all from them just cuts me to the bone. I've lost all life inside of me. Everyone is telling me to stop wallowing and get on with life but I'm finding it so difficult considering we were both very much wanting to make things right. We were only broke up a few weeks and him and the girl made a baby. Ours are only 4 & 5. All my future plans are out the window now. I'm struggling with not having him around anymore. I'm a complete shell, crying all the time, not able to focus on things and the whole thing with the kids being shared between us is breaking me too. I'm the one doing the everyday things with them while he plays happy families every other weekend with the new gf and has money to do fun things with them so obviously the kids prefer time with their dad instead. I'm still living in the family home we shared for over 13 years and struggling with the memories in it, it doesn't feel like home anymore in fact I try to stay out of it as much as possible. And when dad has the kids I can't even bring myself to stay in the house whatsoever. I'm just stuck in this deep pit of depression. All my thoughts are negative and I feel like I'm not coping as a mum as I've completely lost myself. He wants to remain on good terms with me and I'd like that too but at the same time it's causing issues as we both still love each other but it's now a forbidden love as he's decided he needs to do the right thing and stay with her plus keeps bringing up why he felt the need to leave as we were having a bad patch and it's leaves me blaming myself even more. I'd just like him to come back home to the family he planned. My life has been him from 17 that I don't know how to be alone and be alone as a single mum of 2 small kids while dealing with this pain. I'm also angry/jealous that he has created a whole new life elsewhere. Doesn't have to deal with the pain of learning how to live a life on his own or cope with the fact our entire life is gone. He tells me this was never the plan about the baby, his plan was to come home and work things out. When were in contact the conversation is about missing each other and wishing things hadn't turned out this way. He talks about "we don't know what the future holds" and doesn't know how things will work out with the other person yet he's chose to stay with her. It has me so confused so it then causes arguments between us. I don't know how to pick myself up from this nightmare, I'm absolutely heartbroken. I cant eat, I've dropped a lot of weight, barely sleep and not functioning as I would have so feel like a failure to the kids. I also feel like I'm competing with the other girl in terms of my kids. I need a handhold please because honestly I've thought about suicide a few times as I can't see light at the end of tunnel. I'm completely alone and struggling financially as well. My mental health has never been like this before. I'm full of pain and jealousy and hopelessness. My kids seem to have such a good time with him and her that I've found myself wondering if they'd give them a better life than I could right now. I love my kids unconditionally and never thought id have to share them with another person. I don't know where to turn or what to do to get myself out of this mind frame. I loved that man with every inch of my being, we were best friends and I don't know how to do life without him.

Yes this absolutely!

You watch how he will turn if he got into another relationship

Let’s forget about him for a moment OP. The world is still there and you can still have your past and your future in it.

What’s your favourite colour? And your favourite flower? I think you should buy yourself a bunch of these tomorrow.

What tv programme makes you laugh? I think you should watch it. Whose hugs do you like, apart from his? Draw these people round. What’s your favourite cake or lunch? You need it now.

I know how it feels to have your reality ripped away OP. You will feel better and you are still here.

@littlerayofsunshine0 - my heart is breaking for you. This is excruciatingly painful - more than words can really describe and you are in the eye of the storm. You have had some excellent advice on here - particularly what @80s wrote - wise words.

I too have been in a similar place - 6 months on - and felt similar things. I don’t want to repeat what has already been said but want to underline how you are the centre of your DC’s worlds… They themselves are just playing along - DH is probably love bombing them right now - emotionally and financially to keep their love and show he’s not a total arse… and all they can do is play along and enjoy - because they are only 4 and 5! But you are their rock - even if you feel more like jelly right now. You need to be strong for them - consistent, reliable, always there. You are their stability and security. They need you now more than ever.

and I want to offer another perspective… my dad did similar to my mum when I was a similar age to your children. I grew up knowing she was always there - but he wasn’t. I have the most wonderful relationship with my mum now (and then), and I couldn’t imagine my life if she hadn’t been with me. It would have been a much darker place.

you are loved and needed by your DC’s. So please don’t do anything to harm yourself. See your Gp, see a counsellor, try anti depressants to get you out of this awful patch, remember the Samaritans have a 24/7 helpline, but please don’t do anything rash. Your DC’s need you.

we are all with you x

I cant seem to block out my pain to keep decent communication with him, but he thinks I'm just trying to be spiteful.

WTAF??? That sorry excuse for a man has the cheek to call you spiteful — after cheating (pretty definitely, unless OW fell pregnant at first sight), dumping you and DC, breaking your heart,stringing you along with hints that he may deign to consider coming backto you …. and now trying to gaslight you into thinking you are being spiteful????

OP, please don’t try to be friends with him. He is not a friend to you, but may try to keep you on a back burner. Be coldly polite, and say no communication except where necessary regarding DC. Other PPs have given good advice on this, and on looking after yourself.

You will come through this. Your DC need you, and they are lucky to have such a loving mum as you. As they grow up they will see how worthless their father is.

Best of luck xx

I cant seem to block out my pain to keep decent communication with him, but he thinks I'm just trying to be spiteful

he caused enormous massive pain and for him to not even acknowledge that is staggering
does he have a 🧠 and empathy

as a PP said you have every right to say
you hurt me
I can’t be around you right now
you’ve made your decision
leave me be FUCK OFF

Looking at that timeline, he left you and your children and nigh-on instantly knocked up a 24 year old?

He is despicable. Truly disgusting.

What do your families and friends make of his behaviour?

He's a fucking wanker isn't he. Of course he wants to stay on good terms because then he's got the easy life. Tell him to fuck off.

He isn't there because he's "doing the right thing". How is it the right thing by you and his two existing children? It's not. And he's just taken them off to meet her, told them about the baby while he tells you he loves you. Fuck him and fuck that.

Grey rock. I hope you're claiming CSA. He's not your life, he's a stranger, a liar and a selfish prick.

Get angry, move house, move on and fuck him.

At some point you will find your anger.
Maybe not yet
You need to grieve
But boy will you find it.
And when you do tell him to F Off you laugh and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.
Day by day you will get stronger and find life a joy again.
And when ex h sees you thriving this is when he'll panic and want you back.
However you will have grown and matured and he will no longer interest you.

I'm very sorry. That's a horrible situation.

You'll get a lot of advice telling you to stop wallowing, but that's easier said than done.

I broke up with someone over 5 months ago and I'm still pretty sad about it (but no longer crying or devastated) because we still speak most days and I wanted to be with him for life.

I tried counselling and I started medication recently. There's no quick fix.

I also joined meetup groups and have a lot of new friends now. I'm far more sociable than I was in the relationship.

I changed my hair colour drastically - cliche.

I continued going to work daily despite feeling crap. It was a distraction.

People are going to tell you to 'just get over it.' Or 'date someone else.' Take as long as you need to grieve. It's no-one else's business and you don't need the pressure or guilt trip.

There's no rush to move on. One day you'll feel better with time passing.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is utterly heartbreaking.

My ExH had an affair. I left (we were moving house anyway). He said he wanted to fix the marriage, but he couldn’t break it off with OW. He kept making excuses. Until I realised that him saying he wanted to work it out, just made himself feel better about what he had done. He had no intention of reconciling with me. I was 35 and we had been together since 17. We had been trying for a baby via ivf for about 5/6 years with no success. He of course had a baby with OW, but told me they were thinking of a termination. That was a low point.

I didn’t think I could ever get over it (part of me didn’t want to get over it). But I DID and so can YOU.

The contact you are having with him is making you feel worse because you are picking at the scab and not allowing yourself any time to grieve. He is blaming the 24-year-old for stopping him coming back to you, but of course the reality is he can do that any time he wants but he doesn’t want to. We all know that men do what they want to do!

Next time he has the children for the weekend allow yourself a massive wallowing session - put weepy films on tv, wrap yourself in a duvet. Eat ice cream and chocolate do that for the weekend and then Sunday afternoon say “ right that’s done”. No more wallowing time to get practical and time to get angry actually. Change some things around in the house. Tell him to get all his belongings.

Show him you don’t need him, show him you are independent. Deal with him only in relation to the DCs.

I know it’s horrible, and I know how every little thing can seem so utterly overwhelming. So take things day by day and lean on real life support and reach out here too.

ps i had a baby in the end!

I’m sorry you have been treated badly and let down by the person you thought would love and be with you forever.. I know how you feel.
I have come through the other side- I know right now you can’t imagine being on the other side, you feel like everything is hopeless and you’re questioning yourself, analysing everything . believe me when I say this.. You are not to blame, it’s all HIM.

My advice would be to keep verbal communication with your ex strictly about your children, minor things like picking up and dropping times etc, and anything to do with formal arrangements, to do with finances, the house etc, in writing.

You now have to take charge and believe me once you do, you will begin to feel better.
just take small steps, see a solicitor to see what you are entitled to, look into getting counselling, talking therapy.
Once you start to take action you will be surprised how much better you feel.

Lozzerbmc

ah ! Im so pleased you did (baby !) x

“My advice would be to keep verbal communication with your ex strictly about your children, minor things like picking up and dropping times etc, and anything to do with formal arrangements, to do with finances, the house etc, in writing.

You now have to take charge and believe me once you do, you will begin to feel better.
just take small steps, see a solicitor to see what you are entitled to, look into getting counselling, talking therapy.
Once you start to take action you will be surprised how much better you feel.”

This, OP.

Stop listening to anything your XH has to say. Look at what he’s done. Take yourself away from him. That’s not spiteful (I mean WTAF, btw!) - actually that statement shows that he doesn’t think of you as a person in your own right - just someone at his beck and call. He’s chosen to father a child with another woman (he knows how babies are made, right? And he knows how not to have them).

You need to look after yourself. So he doesn’t get to have your friendship at the moment. He has to do without you. Remember that’s what he chose. And you need to do this to protect yourself. You will get through this. Speak to your GP as well - medication may help for this really tough patch. And therapy. You’ll get there, OP, you really will.

I'm full of pain and jealousy and hopelessnes

it shows. As tragic as a breakup is, they happen.

Use the time when he has the kids over at his the kids to do counseling, it will help you move on.

Also, its good for your kids to have two stable homes, so kudos to him to keeping them happy at least

if there wasn't a baby on the scene with her my family would be together again instead of broken.

Wrong. Your relationship was broken way before this baby along. Obviously you will not see it that way, your ex would probably disagree.

OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's time to put yourself first and cut this man out your life as much as possible. It will be a struggle to get out this hole if you're reminded of him and this baby every day of your life. Keep contact to as much of a minimum as you can regarding the kids only. Grey rock everything and try power though. Be selfish and focus on yourself for once. He doesn't deserve anything from you anymore.

This man is not your friend, and you must stop trusting him or believing anything he says. If he says the sky is blue you make sure you look out the window to check, you don't take his word for anything.

He has lost his right to bore you with his opinion of your behaviour as he's decided to fuck off so you and your behaviour no longer have ANYTHING to do with him.

He has zero understanding or compassion for the utter annihilation he has cheerfully rained down into the lives of you and your children.

Don't let him back in EVER, you are far far too good for him.

He is also so stupid not to realise that he will lose the respect of his children; forget the Disney dad stuff he's indulging himself with for now, they will remember that YOU are the one who is there for them, make no mistake about that, and they will grow up knowing Dad behaved like an asshole. I can't think of a bigger loss than that and the man you describe won't even appreciate the true value of his children's good opinion.

So don't go thinking that he and his new setup are the bees knees because they aren't.

It doesn't feel like it right now, but actually the rubbish has taken itself out, and you and your little ones will be absolutely fine, believe me.

And please don't think about ending it, which I understand completely as I felt like that myself, but he is so so not worth it.

Either he is so pathetic that despite DESPERATELY wanting to make it work out with you, his penis just accidentally fell into a random 24 year old who happened to be passing by, or he's messing with your heads and enjoying the teenagery angsty drama of stringing you both along by telling you and her everything you want to hear. Neither version is attractive or desirable or good enough for you and your children.

If you were to kill yourself just imagine him dining out on that one, (I'm sorry) regaling the tragedy of his life whilst secretly his ego is dancing and thinking "Wow! Get ME !!! I am just SO AMAZING! I can prove it!! LittleRay loved me SO MUCH she actually had to kill herself because I left her!"

And finally, you are not wallowing in it, everyone takes their own time to get over this. It is not a crime or a failure to put your love and trust in your husband and you have been deeply wounded and you need to go through a grieving process to heal, so don't listen to that bollocks either, you have lots and lots of people on here all supporting you. Good luck x

How are you today OP? There will be light at the end of the tunnel you just can’t see it yet. You have your two lovely children for your future. There is always hope.

have you thought about counselling? You can speak to Relate they do phone appts or find someone in your local area. It can really help give you perspective and help you order your thoughts.

keep posting here for support

@Thisisworsethananticpated thank you I thank my lucky stars every day

Just checking in OP. Hope you’re able to make contact with the GP - even if you don’t want anti depressants there are other ways surgeries can help with support - please reach out

Thankyou everyone for the comments. It's his weekend with the kids so I've been doing the dreaded "weekend bag" for them. I hate having to pack their little belongings into a bag to send them off, I haven't managed to get used to being separated from them every other weekend, it's just not normal to me. Sunday is the fun day with dad and his new gf then the kids come home and talk about the day they spent with her and the conversation they had etc and while I put a brave face on in front of the kids, once I put then to bed Sunday night I just totally break down. Knowing I can't possibly compete with dad's wonderful new life, while mum is struggling to keep herself in this world.

Gp appointment arranged for Monday. And I'm already working with a counsellor for the last number of weeks but it's not done much good yet. I'm debating on whether to find a new home for me and kids as I've too much emotional attachment to this house considering it was our home for all these yrs and it just doesn't feel the same anymore. My parents offered to help me redecorate and make it my own but honestly my heart just isn't in this home anymore. I've been wondering whether a fresh start else where would help me break these emotions yet everyone is telling me not to leave the house as I'll take my baggage elsewhere to whatever next home I move into. But I walk round here in a daze knowing what I used to be like in this home and the pride I felt for it but since this breakdown I can seem to get rid of how negatively and emotionally I feel about the home now

Well done for making the GP appointment, OP. I hope it goes OK. Let us know what happens.
Maybe give it a little time to work out what to do about the house. You don't have to do everything at once.
What time are the kids back on Sunday? Perhaps you could prepare a little treat for when they get back - watching a nice film together, eating some yummy ice cream, reading a new book - and then steer conversation round to that?
And maybe plan something for you to do after they're in bed, to distract you?

I stayed in the marital home. I changed as much as I could, not expensive things, just new bedding and getting rid of every trace of the bastard. I put up pictures that I knew he would have hated as a fuck you.
I found that not seeing him or having any knowledge of his life on social media helped my healing. And Sertraline saved my life.
I'm now 7 years on, and managed to get a degree, a new career and he's been dumped by the woman half his age, married another poor woman, getting divorced and living with his parents. My kids barely tolerate him.
Please just focus on you. Forget him. It's shit right now but I promise you it will be amazing 😘

@rafanadalsarms did the sertraline really help that much? I spoke to gp at the beginning of the separation and was given sertraline but was afraid to take them. Did u take them at night or morning and any side effects. How do u find they helped?