Breakdown after my relationship ending

[littlerayofsunshine0]

My partner and i were together 20 years and have 2 smalls kids together which took us overv8 years to have. After we had the kids and I went through postnatal depression our relationship changed and we went through a rough patch. He decided to leave in Sept just before kids started school. He ended up seeing a 24 year old and she's now almost 4 months pregnant with his child. I'm absolutely shattered that he's moved on so soon and the fact he left this home and family we created so lovingly together. We were trying to fix things between us and initially were hoping to reunite until the pregnancy came about with this girl. We are both in our late 30s and my life was with him and my future. Its all gone while he's happy elsewhere and creating a whole new life I feel I'm having a complete breakdown. The entire life I put my heart and soul into is gone and I'm not coping well with it at all. I've even fallen apart on my children. He takes them every other weekend and they've now met the other partner and are excited about the baby. Hearing about it all from them just cuts me to the bone. I've lost all life inside of me. Everyone is telling me to stop wallowing and get on with life but I'm finding it so difficult considering we were both very much wanting to make things right. We were only broke up a few weeks and him and the girl made a baby. Ours are only 4 & 5. All my future plans are out the window now. I'm struggling with not having him around anymore. I'm a complete shell, crying all the time, not able to focus on things and the whole thing with the kids being shared between us is breaking me too. I'm the one doing the everyday things with them while he plays happy families every other weekend with the new gf and has money to do fun things with them so obviously the kids prefer time with their dad instead. I'm still living in the family home we shared for over 13 years and struggling with the memories in it, it doesn't feel like home anymore in fact I try to stay out of it as much as possible. And when dad has the kids I can't even bring myself to stay in the house whatsoever. I'm just stuck in this deep pit of depression. All my thoughts are negative and I feel like I'm not coping as a mum as I've completely lost myself. He wants to remain on good terms with me and I'd like that too but at the same time it's causing issues as we both still love each other but it's now a forbidden love as he's decided he needs to do the right thing and stay with her plus keeps bringing up why he felt the need to leave as we were having a bad patch and it's leaves me blaming myself even more. I'd just like him to come back home to the family he planned. My life has been him from 17 that I don't know how to be alone and be alone as a single mum of 2 small kids while dealing with this pain. I'm also angry/jealous that he has created a whole new life elsewhere. Doesn't have to deal with the pain of learning how to live a life on his own or cope with the fact our entire life is gone. He tells me this was never the plan about the baby, his plan was to come home and work things out. When were in contact the conversation is about missing each other and wishing things hadn't turned out this way. He talks about "we don't know what the future holds" and doesn't know how things will work out with the other person yet he's chose to stay with her. It has me so confused so it then causes arguments between us. I don't know how to pick myself up from this nightmare, I'm absolutely heartbroken. I cant eat, I've dropped a lot of weight, barely sleep and not functioning as I would have so feel like a failure to the kids. I also feel like I'm competing with the other girl in terms of my kids. I need a handhold please because honestly I've thought about suicide a few times as I can't see light at the end of tunnel. I'm completely alone and struggling financially as well. My mental health has never been like this before. I'm full of pain and jealousy and hopelessness. My kids seem to have such a good time with him and her that I've found myself wondering if they'd give them a better life than I could right now. I love my kids unconditionally and never thought id have to share them with another person. I don't know where to turn or what to do to get myself out of this mind frame. I loved that man with every inch of my being, we were best friends and I don't know how to do life without him.

Glad you’re seeing the GP - well done! Some GPs can put you in touch with social prescribing and that can be helpful. Take whatever support you can get - you don’t have to stick with anything you don’t find helpful in the longer term, but give it a try.

I can really relate to how you feel about the house. Part of the problem os that, in the early days, you’re just fighting all these feelings and you’re so depleted that the thought of changing things can be really overwhelming. It took me about a year to decide I wanted to move and have a fresh start (but sale eventually fell through so we haven’t been able to).

Give yourself some time to grieve - but personally I don’t think it’s true that there’s no point in moving because of the baggage. Yes, you’ll always have this experience inside you somewhere, but taking action can be post over in itself. My advice would be to wait until you’re in a place where you feel that a move is something that would be a positive for you, rather than just wanting to escape.

in the meanwhile how would you feel about doing a few small things to help make the space more nurturing for you and the kids right now? If your parents have offered to help, what about repainting the kids bedroom/bedrooms as a starting point? Sometimes it’s easier to feel good about doing something for someone else when we can’t quite reach out to ourselves. Is that something you could do this weekend while they are at their dad’s and surprise them with it when they get back? Would that feel good to you?

One of the first things I did was buy a new beds/bedside table (eBay) and bedding. That felt like a good start.

When they come home try to remember, they are telling you about THEIR day. Their dad and the OW are incidental - they are sharing their own experiences with you. Focus on that. You’re the person packing their little bags and making sure they have all the bits they need when they’re away. You are doing all you can and they love coming home to you.

Taking action can be powerful in itself (not post over)

I took Citalopram and found it extremely useful. The only side effect I had was not being able to orgasm any more, but as a partner was not on the cards anyway that was no problem. I didn't feel spaced out or anything, just much more able to think clearly. You have to follow the instructions carefully on SSRIs - don't stop taking them suddenly, and ask your GP what time is best for you to take it. (I seem to remember it had something to do with whether you were having trouble sleeping or not.)

Agree with advice above about trying to hold on before making big decisions about the house… too many emotions right now to make decisions that will have such big financial implications. Also, worth thinking about how a house move might impact on your DC’s? I wanted out, but turned out my DC’s were desperate to stay. So that’s what I’m trying to make happen to give them some stability.

if your counsellor isn’t helping - are you able to change? It’s important to ‘click’ with them to get the most out of the relationship.

I also wonder how long ‘Sunday fun day’ will last… I know for sure that when I was 24 the last thing I would have wanted to be doing was looking after kids. That weren’t even mine!! (Unless I was being paid of course!) Also - when the baby comes along it will massively shift the dynamic again - and I bet it won’t be for the better between OW and XDH… you may find the routine will change up again.

hold on tight OP. In just making the Gp appointment you are starting take control again. Slowly slowly you will return… don’t let go!! You are needed. Even though you don’t feel it right now.

Different medication, but thought this might be helpful as a positive:

I started a very low, subtherapeutic dose of lithium (200mg) two weeks ago and while I still feel a bit down about him before my period, there's no crying.

I asked him today to block me if he was fully done, since it would be easier for me to have a clean break to get over it. He read it and did nothing.

I've found it easier to go out with friends and have a good time since I started taking it. No side effects so far.

Online counselling is a good option (I use this) over zoom. It's more convenient than in person and you can book evenings or weekends. Mine is £35 for 50 mins. I haven't been since November though booked one for this month. It helps you not bore friends with it.

@PrincessButtercupp you gave really good advice there, I like that strength.

So sorry OP you sound in so much pain but you have been given some good advice. I too split from dh last year and the thought of sharing the kids is awful, I am on anti depressants which help me cope and block out deep thoughts of the future, without then I just feel like I can't cope emotionally

.....Oh and I am on 100mg sertraline. Sorry I haven't had time to read the full thread yet

It's probably hard to imagine but sometime in the future you are going to be the strong woman with the beautiful kids and your ex is going to be lamenting his two failed relationships and be wanting to get back together with you and you won't want him. At some point your anger will kick in, anger that he left when things got tough, anger that he was so careless with birth control. Your anger will be the fuel that will help you survive this. Things will get better, you can survive this for your children. Disney dads are nothing compared with the parent who is there everyday. You're getting the best of your DC and your ex is a fool.

He is a selfish twat.

You need to find your anger OP - this doesn’t mean being bitter but seeing him for what he is. A piece of shit who threw his family away for a shag with a younger woman (I’d be willing to bet anything he was seeing her before you officially split as well).

This is a tale as old as time. Man gets with woman - eventually they have dc’s. When man starts feeling bored with the reality of family life and the fact he’s not his partners no.1 anymore he starts getting itchy feet and putting the feelers out for his next squeeze/bit of excitement. Starts telling you he “wants a break” or “doesn’t think this is working” and is unhappy (look up “the script”)
Within a matter of months they’ve shacked up with some gullible younger woman who thinks he’s great (she hasn’t seen the real him yet remember!) and yes, hey presto - there’s then the “unplanned” pregnancy. Usually orchestrated by the new woman to keep hold of her man as she’s worried he’ll go back to his ex.

Honestly, I’ve seen it play out SO many times with friends and family - it’s very common. They always keep the ex hanging on too with the comments like “I still love/miss you”, “who knows what’ll happen in the future”?

it’s basically just a pile of bullshit designed to keep you hanging on should things not turn out well with his new gf. And meanwhile he gets to play Disney dad every other bloody weekend and leave you struggling financially? What a cock.

You sound utterly broken OP but honestly - you will be ok and you’ll look back and be annoyed with yourself for pining over him.

My advice is stop contact with him - he’s to contact you via text regarding the dcs and that’s it. Make sure you see a solicitor and claim everything you are entitled to. But yeah, find your anger. He’s treated you appallingly.

💐

I still take them 5 years later. Sorry for the delay. The sertraline stopped the overthinking and made me stable mentally. I take them in the morning now, and always have done. They affected my sleep a bit but nothing that would make me not want to take them. It took 3 weeks for them to work properly and it increased my anxiety in those weeks but it was worth pushing through the initial phase. X

How are you feeling, littlerayofsunshine0? I'm hoping that as time passes you will be regaining your joy in life, with your sweet DC.

I'm sure many people love you (most of all the DC), but you don't seem to love yourself as you deserve. And I suspect your ex was quietly chipping away at your self-esteem for many years before he left.

When you think about him, please remember what a cowardly worm he was. So many things you've told us about him show how worthless and selfish he is. But unfortunately you have swallowed some of his self-serving lies. You need to recognise how he has been gaslighting you.

You said he's decided he needs to do the right thing and stay with her plus keeps bringing up why he felt the need to leave as we were having a bad patch.
No! Far from "doing the right thing", he's walked out on you and his two existing children. Yet he has the cheek to try to make you feel guilty.

He has inflicted horrific pain on you, yet he dares to get irritated when you can't hide your natural grief.
He's getting pissed with me because at times we are getting on really well but then other times my emotions kick in and I pull away and stop contact until things are smoothed over again. I cant seem to block out my pain to keep decent communication with him, but he thinks I'm just trying to be spiteful.
I don't believe even a man as stupid and insensitive as him can genuinely believe the woman whose heart he has coldly broken is "just trying to be spiteful".

Soon, I hope, you will look back on your time with him and feel deeply relieved that he is no longer in your life.

All of us here are sending you good wishes, and will be here if you want to talk things through again. Best of luck, OP. Good times ahead.

How are you now? Did you see your Gp?
Your ex is doing you no favours by keeping you dangling.
If he truly loved you he wouldn't want to extend your hurt like this he's only thinking of himself and trying to keep you around as an option.
Also, the term Disney dad exists for a reason.. It describes men like your ex who spend money on their children but not the emotional investment that YOU are making 12 days out of 14.
From experience the children will soon see through this.
Hope you're OK x