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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

2 men….like buses

61 replies

Adviceneeded23 · 09/02/2023 00:46

This will be a long post. Before anyone says, I know I’m awful for getting myself into this situation.

I left my 10 year marriage last year as it was stale, zero intimacy and we were living like friends. I’ve been in 2 x long term relationships since the age of 16. Following my separation I decided it was time for me to just be me and have some time without a man in my life, or actually a serious relationship.

2 months later I met N and we started a FWB situation. We meet twice a week, he’s a great guy, we get on really well and the sex is amazing. Best I’ve ever had. I look forward to going to his, we text every day, talk none stop when we are together. The issue with N is that he never wants to be in a relationship again as he was burnt from his divorce. He tells me this regularly.

In October I met E. We were just friends, he knows all about N. It has developed into more and we have started spending more time together and our relationship has turned sexual. E has told me he loves me and he wants to be with me. He is a catch and would be the sensible option for me. Great job, very secure, no baggage, he would give me everything I could ever want in all aspects of life.

Im struggling with making a choice. Im struggling to differentiate between love and lust. I never wanted to find a man and then 2 come along. N tells me he never wants another gf and is happy with the status quo. If I hadn’t met E I think I would have been too, but with the hope he might change his mind. I do have feelings for him but they are not reciprocated I don’t think. He ‘loves our time together’ and we genuinely do not stop chatting and laughing when we are together. E is lovely, he treats me like a princess, I have feelings for him too! How on Earth have I got myself in this situation. I need to make a decision on what I do next, there are pros and cons both ways.

I know I sound like a horrible person. Im not normally like this at all. I got carried away with the single lifestyle and it’s bit me on the bum. I am always safe with them both, as I know someone will ask this. Any advice, no matter how brutal?

OP posts:
Januaryisthelongestyear · 09/02/2023 00:49

Don't choose someone who doesn't choose you. Seriously. Step back and look at who will put you first.

Barleysugar86 · 09/02/2023 00:54

If you have feelings for E, you stop seeing N.

There is no future with N. I have wasted many years with an N and believe me they don't change their minds. If you have developed feelings for N you'd be best to get out of it now before you hurt yourself regardless of whether you had E or not.

RainyDaysareCarp · 09/02/2023 00:56

I chose E and haven't regretted it for one second.

TedMullins · 09/02/2023 00:56

You don’t sound horrible at all. Carry on seeing both! I’d love two boyfriends

soboredtonight · 09/02/2023 01:01

Neither of them are for you right now.

It it was right to make a choice I think it would be clear cut for you:

It's not, so neither are right for you right now.

soboredtonight · 09/02/2023 01:04

Don't make N a priority when he's treating you like an option.

noodlezoodle · 09/02/2023 01:11

You're being very hard on yourself - you haven't done anything wrong!

I'm of the general opinion that FWBs are great for short spells of time, but if it goes on too long it's easy to develop feelings - and it sounds as though that's where you are. So I would knock things on the head with N anyway, as you're just going to get hurt.

Then go ahead and have a lovely time with E! Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't, but you are entitled to have fun. Good luck!

Viviennemary · 09/02/2023 01:26

Ditch them both and find somebody new. If you can't chooose between them then neither one is for you.

BadNomad · 09/02/2023 01:34

A choice implies there are options. But you aren't being offered options. "N" doesn't want a relationship. If you want a relationship, only "E" is offering that.

user1465390476 · 09/02/2023 02:01

Sounds like the film Bridesmaids. N is John Hamm, E is Chris O’Dowd. Choose E, obviously.

barmycatmum · 09/02/2023 02:51

You’re not horrible. You’ve not lied to anyone. Dump the one who doesn’t want what you want. He sounds heartless. Tell him “it’s been fun” and dump his ass. Good sex means absolutely nothing.

Zanatdy · 09/02/2023 05:43

I’d choose E all day long if you’re looking for a long term relationship. Feelings always come into sexual relationships at some point and if it’s not reciprocated then you’ll end up hurt. I’d stop sleeping with 2 men and make a decision

Ladybug14 · 09/02/2023 05:58

Stop seeing N for a month

Just see E

Gauge how you feel at the end of the month

BTW N will choose to be in a relationship again, but it won't be with you

Original poster
Adviceneeded23 · 09/02/2023 06:52

Thank you for being kind to me with your replies.

Everything you’ve all said it true, I know this. I just need to put my big girl knickers on and get it done.

N has some kind of hold on me though. He is exactly my type, very sexy, and that’s what’s keeping me hooked. I know I just need to go cold Turkey.

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 09/02/2023 06:56

About 15 years ago, I had an N.

Trust me, this idea of 'hold' is just because you cant have him

My N is in a relationship now (after saying hed never ever ever......🤣🙄) and I'm so glad it's not me!

Watchkeys · 09/02/2023 06:58

If you're looking at someone and thinking that maybe you'd prefer to be with someone else, why would you want a relationship with them? Raise your bar. The right person for you will make these two into also-rans.

Watchkeys · 09/02/2023 06:59

And nobody has 'a hold on you' except you. You're an adult.

WimpoleHat · 09/02/2023 07:06

I think all men “want a relationship” (same also with wanting to get married as per the myriad threads on here!)…..but only with the right person. Sounds like you’re the right person from E’s point of view, but not N’s. A pp put it very wisely when she said you shouldn’t choose someone who doesn’t choose you - if you have feelings for E, I’d stop seeing N and give those a chance to develop.

Mumoffairy · 09/02/2023 07:12

I dont think either is right for you atm. You clearly do want more than a FWB set up and N wont give you that. And the way you talk about E makes me think youre not really that into him. Hes just an alternative who is really into you.
Cut contact with N and give E a real shot. I think if E was the one for you, then you wouldnt even be asking here, so it might not work out in the end. But you should still see how it develops so you dont have any regrets later.
You wont be able to give E a fair chance with N still around.

Winemygoodenemy · 09/02/2023 07:39

I had an N. Everything was great, except he didn’t want a relationship. We continued to see each other for a few years on and off. I then met my E. I was hesitant as I thought I wanted N, but N didn't want me other than a fun friend. I think it was why doesn’t he want me mentality.

I dated E and N turned into a really good friend. I had stopped sleeping with N a good while before and only met up as a friend. I did this as I wanted a relationship and couldn’t give anyone a chance whilst waiting on N.

E is amazing, there was something about him that I forgot I fancied N. N is a friend now and has quite a few girls on the go, still not settled.

Basically realised N was a great person to hang out with and sex just happened. But he couldn’t give me the security and future planning I wanted. Once I let go emotionally of N I found my person.

Notaboutthebass · 09/02/2023 07:47

And does N know about E? Neither of them will be their true selves as they'll be competeing for you. Just choose one (maybe E) and concentrate on that, time will tell.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/02/2023 08:02

We’ve all been burnt by an N!
many many N around
he’s totally emotionally unavailable and he’s honest about it too !

the more you see N the more you will fall for him

the only way things will end with N is if you end and go no contact which won’t be easy

as for E
don’t know ! Do you actually fancy him ?

DuringDuran · 09/02/2023 08:25

Be careful, if you chose E over N , E might be less interested. It may not even be conscious on his part but he may be motivated by competition.

AnotherGrilledCheese · 09/02/2023 08:44

I was like you, came out of a long relationship and found myself between 2 very different men. I knew what was best for me but didn't want to do it because N seemed so shiny. My N was open to a relationship, but made it clear it wasn't his preference. After I chose N, every time something went wrong, I thought of E and how he would have treated me differently. I think that no matter who you choose, you will likely always wonder if you made the right choice and maybe it's better just to start fresh after being on your own for a while.

2Bornot · 09/02/2023 08:50

Ugh, I knew a guy like N once. I hung around for years being his fuckbuddy, hoping he’d realise that what we had was special. Turns out it was only special to me, my heart broke over and over again and it took me years to get over him. Meanwhile he shagged everything that moved, then eventually (20 yrs later) married someone rich and famous.

Let me tell you what I wish someone told me. What you have with N isn’t special or meant to be. You aren’t soulmates. He’s just a very attractive fun and charming man who’s good at sex. Some men are just very attractive to women and it can feel amazing being with them but they’ll never love you.

Do yourself a favour and walk away from N, you’re heading for heartbreak there.

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