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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

2 men….like buses

61 replies

Adviceneeded23 · 09/02/2023 00:46

This will be a long post. Before anyone says, I know I’m awful for getting myself into this situation.

I left my 10 year marriage last year as it was stale, zero intimacy and we were living like friends. I’ve been in 2 x long term relationships since the age of 16. Following my separation I decided it was time for me to just be me and have some time without a man in my life, or actually a serious relationship.

2 months later I met N and we started a FWB situation. We meet twice a week, he’s a great guy, we get on really well and the sex is amazing. Best I’ve ever had. I look forward to going to his, we text every day, talk none stop when we are together. The issue with N is that he never wants to be in a relationship again as he was burnt from his divorce. He tells me this regularly.

In October I met E. We were just friends, he knows all about N. It has developed into more and we have started spending more time together and our relationship has turned sexual. E has told me he loves me and he wants to be with me. He is a catch and would be the sensible option for me. Great job, very secure, no baggage, he would give me everything I could ever want in all aspects of life.

Im struggling with making a choice. Im struggling to differentiate between love and lust. I never wanted to find a man and then 2 come along. N tells me he never wants another gf and is happy with the status quo. If I hadn’t met E I think I would have been too, but with the hope he might change his mind. I do have feelings for him but they are not reciprocated I don’t think. He ‘loves our time together’ and we genuinely do not stop chatting and laughing when we are together. E is lovely, he treats me like a princess, I have feelings for him too! How on Earth have I got myself in this situation. I need to make a decision on what I do next, there are pros and cons both ways.

I know I sound like a horrible person. Im not normally like this at all. I got carried away with the single lifestyle and it’s bit me on the bum. I am always safe with them both, as I know someone will ask this. Any advice, no matter how brutal?

OP posts:
Christmaspyjamas · 09/02/2023 08:54

There isn't a choice as only E wants a future with you.

Problem is when you tell N this he's going to have an infantile meltdown and then momentarily claim to be capable of emotional depth and adult behaviour.

If you believe him you could regret it for a very long time.

Loads of people are divorced. Everyone has exes. It is pathetic to use it as an excuse to behave selfishly towards others. I therefore have a low opinion of N.

DRS1970 · 09/02/2023 08:55

Don't commit to a non committer...

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 09:00

N won't ever change his mind so don't continue with him if you're doing it with any kind of hope for the future.

E sounds nice but don't try and force yourself to love him.

Elefant1 · 09/02/2023 09:02

I was in a similar situation and went with E, my E turned out to be boring and lazy and it only lasted 9 months. I landed up back with N and we are still together 10 years later, it is a proper relationship now but probably not the sort that would suit everyone, we have no interest in living together but we are both happy the way thing are.
Having said that I still think you should go with E if you want a relationship, if it doesn't work out N might still be available!

yukkamumma · 09/02/2023 09:17

N isn't never wanting a relationship again, he doesn't want one with you. He will go out with someone again but it won't be you. So no matter who you pick, put that idea out the equation. Personally I'd go for E and give it a shot if you fancy him and like him enough. If not cut them both loose before someone gets hurt. That will be you and e or both.

yukkamumma · 09/02/2023 09:17

You or e or both sorry

Ofcourseshecan · 09/02/2023 09:44

WimpoleHat · 09/02/2023 07:06

I think all men “want a relationship” (same also with wanting to get married as per the myriad threads on here!)…..but only with the right person. Sounds like you’re the right person from E’s point of view, but not N’s. A pp put it very wisely when she said you shouldn’t choose someone who doesn’t choose you - if you have feelings for E, I’d stop seeing N and give those a chance to develop.

I agree. And you don’t sound like a horrible person! Best of luck.

Anotherlurkingmale · 09/02/2023 09:44

Sounds like you're not ready right now for settling down into something long term just yet having come out of 10 year marriage last year.

If it's what you want and you're clear with everyone involved why not carry on dating both for time being to give more time to see what you want. Either you will get closer to E and wish to go exclusive with him or realise the chemistry isn't there and it's not going to work. Unless he likes the idea of non monogamy on your part!

Sounds like N is not viable option for long term relationship so you may wish to break off with him sooner rather than later to avoid getting hurt.

blondieblonde · 09/02/2023 09:49

E!!

ButterflyOil · 09/02/2023 09:55

Or you could actually spend some time alone! You’ve had TWO months single out of a long marriage and you dove right into another sexual relationship and now this romantic one too. Why not actually give yourself time to just be yourself without the influence of fuck buddies and dating?

RainyDaysareCarp · 09/02/2023 09:57

The Ns of this world are ALWAYS available on THEIR terms. They will hover in the background and always ready to offer their services ESPECIALLY if you leave them. They cannot take no for an answer. Their ego is hurt.

Dery · 09/02/2023 15:11

“N isn't never wanting a relationship again, he doesn't want one with you. He will go out with someone again but it won't be you. So no matter who you pick, put that idea out the equation. Personally I'd go for E and give it a shot if you fancy him and like him enough. If not cut them both loose before someone gets hurt. That will be you and e or both.”

This.

You’ve had great advice on here. It worries me, though, that you thought you were doing anything wrong. You’re really not. But, yes, cut N loose because he’s going to trample all over your heart. He’s starting to already.

nc1013 · 09/02/2023 15:37

I've been in a similar situation with N. It's never going to work as a relationship. Given he wants casual no-strings, I don't think E is any of his business and he'd have no right to have an issue with it (not that he necessarily would).

E knows about N so he can't complain either.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

However, the fact E is fully aware that youre sleeping with N casually twice a week and is still willing to hangs around and declare is love to you gives me the total ick re E. what self respecting man would be happy in that position? He sounds a bit wet/desperate?!

Hiddenvoice · 09/02/2023 15:46

I had a N in my life. I fell deeply in love with him even though he told me numerous times that he liked what we had going on but he didn’t want to make a relationship from it. Your guy is doing the same. With him it’s fun, it’s lighthearted and you feel like you’re not getting hurt but truth is it’s sadly not real. If you start properly developing feelings for him then you will get hurt. He’s not going to change what he’s after just now, it’s nothing to do with you, he’s just not ready for commitment again.

E is offering you everything. You’re happy with him but is it everything you actually want? Would a relationship with him make you happy?

Take time apart from both of them to think about what you want. You can date either one of them as it’s dating, being a couple, it’s not marriage so if it’s not right for you then you walk away. (I mean that in a nice way, not a nasty way)

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/02/2023 16:00

Assuming you’d choose a relationship with E if N wasn’t in the picture, choose E now but take it slow.

Unless you don’t want a relationship then go with N.

This is about getting in touch with what you really want. Sounds like you need some space for at least a few days to find out.

If it were me, definitely E.

XJerseyGirlX · 09/02/2023 16:11

I don't think you should be with anyone, what's the rush after just getting out of a 10 yr marriage. You would know if you really wanted one of them. Sounds like your pushing yourself into a decision that you really don't need to make.

DarcyProudman · 09/02/2023 20:42

If E was the one for you, you’d have stopped seeing N ages ago. You haven’t mentioned the sex with E, just that he’s ‘a catch with a good job’

whatisheupto · 09/02/2023 20:48

BadNomad · 09/02/2023 01:34

A choice implies there are options. But you aren't being offered options. "N" doesn't want a relationship. If you want a relationship, only "E" is offering that.

This. I don't understand what you are asking at all!

RainyDaysareCarp · 09/02/2023 20:53

nc1013 · 09/02/2023 15:37

I've been in a similar situation with N. It's never going to work as a relationship. Given he wants casual no-strings, I don't think E is any of his business and he'd have no right to have an issue with it (not that he necessarily would).

E knows about N so he can't complain either.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

However, the fact E is fully aware that youre sleeping with N casually twice a week and is still willing to hangs around and declare is love to you gives me the total ick re E. what self respecting man would be happy in that position? He sounds a bit wet/desperate?!

Agree!

coolcahuna · 09/02/2023 20:58

Let go of N and choose an E or someone new who wants what you want. I've experienced N too and get it but he won't change his mind by which point you will have really strong feelings.

Eatentoomanyroses · 09/02/2023 20:58

N doesn’t want you. E will probably drop you as soon as you get rid of N.

Samedaysameshit · 09/02/2023 21:05

So E knows you are still sleeping g with N twice a week and has not got a problem with that?
I must be old fashioned but no way would I be involved in that.
He might just be seeing if he can ‘win’

Original poster
Adviceneeded23 · 09/02/2023 21:40

Thank you all for your insight. I’m off work next week so will use that time to sort the situation out. Lots of food for thought.

For the poster who asked, the sex with E is also very good.

Im going to stop seeing N and see where my relationship with E goes. If it goes no where then at least I have it a go. I know N can’t give me what I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Adviceneeded23 · 09/02/2023 21:47

Samedaysameshit · 09/02/2023 21:05

So E knows you are still sleeping g with N twice a week and has not got a problem with that?
I must be old fashioned but no way would I be involved in that.
He might just be seeing if he can ‘win’

Oh yes he does have a problem with it. He wants me to make a choice. He didn’t at first, well he knew about N before we started becoming more than just friends.

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 09/02/2023 21:51

I've been in a very similar situation. I made the right choice after the second date, was totally honest to both and don't regret it for a second. He still sends a 'hi how you doing' text a couple of times a year, 5 years later so I think the memories have lingered for him!
My analogy is that what I walked away from was like a restaurant that serves one amazing meal but nothing else. I have fond thoughts of that meal but now have a fantastic place that has everything I could ever want to eat.