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Original poster

2 men….like buses

61 replies

Adviceneeded23 · 09/02/2023 00:46

This will be a long post. Before anyone says, I know I’m awful for getting myself into this situation.

I left my 10 year marriage last year as it was stale, zero intimacy and we were living like friends. I’ve been in 2 x long term relationships since the age of 16. Following my separation I decided it was time for me to just be me and have some time without a man in my life, or actually a serious relationship.

2 months later I met N and we started a FWB situation. We meet twice a week, he’s a great guy, we get on really well and the sex is amazing. Best I’ve ever had. I look forward to going to his, we text every day, talk none stop when we are together. The issue with N is that he never wants to be in a relationship again as he was burnt from his divorce. He tells me this regularly.

In October I met E. We were just friends, he knows all about N. It has developed into more and we have started spending more time together and our relationship has turned sexual. E has told me he loves me and he wants to be with me. He is a catch and would be the sensible option for me. Great job, very secure, no baggage, he would give me everything I could ever want in all aspects of life.

Im struggling with making a choice. Im struggling to differentiate between love and lust. I never wanted to find a man and then 2 come along. N tells me he never wants another gf and is happy with the status quo. If I hadn’t met E I think I would have been too, but with the hope he might change his mind. I do have feelings for him but they are not reciprocated I don’t think. He ‘loves our time together’ and we genuinely do not stop chatting and laughing when we are together. E is lovely, he treats me like a princess, I have feelings for him too! How on Earth have I got myself in this situation. I need to make a decision on what I do next, there are pros and cons both ways.

I know I sound like a horrible person. Im not normally like this at all. I got carried away with the single lifestyle and it’s bit me on the bum. I am always safe with them both, as I know someone will ask this. Any advice, no matter how brutal?

OP posts:
elloelloellooooo · 09/02/2023 21:54

Juicy thread

leftoverwine · 09/02/2023 22:49

marriednotdead · 09/02/2023 21:51

I've been in a very similar situation. I made the right choice after the second date, was totally honest to both and don't regret it for a second. He still sends a 'hi how you doing' text a couple of times a year, 5 years later so I think the memories have lingered for him!
My analogy is that what I walked away from was like a restaurant that serves one amazing meal but nothing else. I have fond thoughts of that meal but now have a fantastic place that has everything I could ever want to eat.

I agree. The whole FWB gets old if you develop feelings (they don't and never will) and you're stuck always wanting more from them and tying yourself in knots/wasting your other opportunities for them.

You are very very newly separated, it's ok to be single, play the field or settle down with whoever, but don't put pressure on yourself. Random guys can seem very exciting after a stale marriage, but they aren't all keepers.

Watchkeys · 10/02/2023 15:44

But why have a relationship with someone having realised your focus isn't naturally just on him? He can't be that great for you, or even in your opinion, if it's tempting to look elsewhere even at this point. Why bother? Do you need a man, or could you wait, whilst you keep looking for someone you can't take your eyes/mind off? Do you want someone you know you can easily be distracted from, to the extent that you consider dropping him?

Are you able to tell him about the choice you've had to make? How do you think he'd feel about your true feelings?

Clusterfunk · 10/02/2023 15:52

I’d just say one more thing: when you tell N you are ending the FWB arrangement and getting with E, he will almost certainly try a love bombing “I changed my mind and I think I want a relationship with you” approach. It isn’t real. It will be a knee jerk response. I’ve been there, and feel for it, and within weeks it was back to not wanting anything serious.

E sounds fab. Good luck OP!

Original poster
Adviceneeded23 · 10/02/2023 20:44

Thank you ladies. I’m definitely ending it with N, I’m seeing him on Monday. Then I’ll see what happens with E, but not rush into anything serious. X

OP posts:
Bepis · 10/02/2023 21:02

It sounds like you have the passion with N but not the emotional connection but you have a friendship with E but not the passion. You need to wait until you find the man that gives you both - it does exist trust me.

IceStationHorse · 10/02/2023 21:08

@Adviceneeded23 I was in your very position. My sex life with N was out of this world. He made it his speciality. I chose E and while I may not have the wonderful technical sex I had with N I have a man who loves me and the sex while not as technically competent is more rewarding.

Original poster
Adviceneeded23 · 10/02/2023 21:14

IceStationHorse · 10/02/2023 21:08

@Adviceneeded23 I was in your very position. My sex life with N was out of this world. He made it his speciality. I chose E and while I may not have the wonderful technical sex I had with N I have a man who loves me and the sex while not as technically competent is more rewarding.

This is exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
DrivestraightuptheA1 · 11/02/2023 05:58

N is using you. He would be in a relationship with the woman he developed feelings for.

I’m not sure E is right for you either as, if he was, you wouldn’t be feeling the way you are about N.

I’d ditch both. Step back and take stock.

DrivestraightuptheA1 · 11/02/2023 05:59

Bepis · 10/02/2023 21:02

It sounds like you have the passion with N but not the emotional connection but you have a friendship with E but not the passion. You need to wait until you find the man that gives you both - it does exist trust me.

This

Grimsknee · 11/02/2023 06:37

Why don't you spend some time being actually single (as you had resolved to) - longer than eight weeks? Get to know yourself and your own needs and boundaries better... that will pay off in the long term because you'll realise that there are way better options out there than either of these blokes.

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