Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner + weed + child - PLEASE HELP

79 replies

sopher · 07/02/2023 22:41

I need to vent/ask for advice/make sure I'm not over reacting.

I've been with my partner for 3 years, he moved in with my daughter (6) and I in September. When we started talking I knew he smoked weed. I wasn't crazy about the idea but it wasn't often and I don't actually think weed is necessarily bad. HOWEVER when we were discussing him moving in, I made it explicitly clear that he can under no circumstances keep weed in the house or in his car outside of his house because of my daughter and my job (I won't post my job title as I don't want to be identified but it's a serious job). He lived with his parents prior to moving in so I said he'd have to keep it there. He was fine with this.

I came home from work tonight to him high as a kite. I've asked him if he'd been to his parents to smoke it.... no, he says he's had it in his car for a couple of weeks. HE TOOK MY DAUGHTER TO SCHOOL LAST WEEK. I am absolutely livid. I've told him that he's overstepped a boundary in a massive way and needs to GTFO out my house basically.

He's currently sulking and saying I'm over reacting/it shouldn't even be illegal/I need to calm down. I feel like he's taken a huge risk by being in possession of weed in a house I own with my six year old daughter. Is he serious?!?!

We've had reoccurring arguments over the last few months as he's exposed himself as a bit of a QAnon buff, so our views do not align. He's quite intolerant and comes off as a bit of a narcissist - obviously I can't diagnose but he shows traits like never thinking he's wrong and thinking he's above the law.

I am FUMING and getting more angry by the second at the thought of him lying about this for 2 weeks and taking my daughter to school.

Am I over reacting by telling him he needs to move out? Any advice would be appreciated xx

OP posts:
Original poster
sopher · 09/02/2023 15:13

Thank you all for your advice.
He's moved out and sent a text this morning to say he deserves better and wants to break up. Which is shit.

Thank you all again

OP posts:
PissedOffofTiverton1790 · 09/02/2023 15:18

He deserves better? Hmm

Okay then...!

Flowers Relationship break ups are so difficult. But your daughter needs a positive male role model in her life, and you need a relationship where you're respected and your boundaries are willingly kept to.

He'll be back. Don't go there.

CaveMum · 09/02/2023 15:19

HE deserves better?! That's rich!

YOU deserve better OP. As wise posters have already said, take time to be single now - focus on your daughter and your own self worth and self esteem. Be thankful that you have dodged a bullet with this one and establish your boundaries so that you are never in this position again.

Andypandy799 · 09/02/2023 15:19

sopher · 09/02/2023 15:13

Thank you all for your advice.
He's moved out and sent a text this morning to say he deserves better and wants to break up. Which is shit.

Thank you all again

He deserves better 😆 tell him to jog on. It will be hard if you loved him but will be best for you and your dc in the long run

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 09/02/2023 18:20

sopher · 09/02/2023 15:13

Thank you all for your advice.
He's moved out and sent a text this morning to say he deserves better and wants to break up. Which is shit.

Thank you all again

He’s an absolute fucking goon. Good riddance.

He lived with his parents, he hadn’t had a relationship before, he’s balls-deep in QAnon, he smokes weed and keeps it around your kid and works from his laptop in bed each day and thinks he deserves better? Ha. Dream on. Enjoy your childhood bedroom again.

Maray1967 · 09/02/2023 20:15

Raise your standards. No drug user has ever been in my DC’s lives, ever. DH once made a tentative comment about mates at a party we were going to possibly adding weed to food - I didn’t go (I wasn’t actually that bothered about going anyway but it made my boundaries clear early on).
Cut the crap about weed not necessarily being bad. It’s illegal, it damages people, and you said no to it in your house. On top of that, he’s into conspiracy crap. Just ditch the tosser.

Maray1967 · 09/02/2023 20:16

Just read the update - he really does have a high opinion of himself doesn’t he? You’re well rid.

FrancescaContini · 09/02/2023 20:17

Kick him out. Get him away from your daughter. I can’t believe you let this waste of space into your home.

inky1991 · 09/02/2023 20:26

I completely understand that you would not want him high around your children, or weed in the house etc...but having the occasional joint really isn't a big deal.

It's literally no different to having an alcoholic drink, in fact it's better because alcohol causes anger and violence and weed doesn't.

If he's a bit of a stoner, and smoking weed affects your life and relationship then it's obviously an issue. But I wouldn't begrudge him the odd bit, especially if you knew he smoked it when you met him. Try and relax a bit about it, it's not heroin

Original poster
sopher · 09/02/2023 20:38

inky1991 · 09/02/2023 20:26

I completely understand that you would not want him high around your children, or weed in the house etc...but having the occasional joint really isn't a big deal.

It's literally no different to having an alcoholic drink, in fact it's better because alcohol causes anger and violence and weed doesn't.

If he's a bit of a stoner, and smoking weed affects your life and relationship then it's obviously an issue. But I wouldn't begrudge him the odd bit, especially if you knew he smoked it when you met him. Try and relax a bit about it, it's not heroin

I didn't care about him smoking it. He suggested going to his parents house to smoke it when he wanted to. I was fine with this, it wasn't very often. My issue was with keeping the weed somewhere my child would be or near my house in general because it is illegal and i work in the legal field.

OP posts:
Original poster
sopher · 09/02/2023 20:39

inky1991 · 09/02/2023 20:26

I completely understand that you would not want him high around your children, or weed in the house etc...but having the occasional joint really isn't a big deal.

It's literally no different to having an alcoholic drink, in fact it's better because alcohol causes anger and violence and weed doesn't.

If he's a bit of a stoner, and smoking weed affects your life and relationship then it's obviously an issue. But I wouldn't begrudge him the odd bit, especially if you knew he smoked it when you met him. Try and relax a bit about it, it's not heroin

And I would just like to add that he became a lot more lazy, demotivated and paranoid towards the end of the relationship either. This could have been because of the weed and likely was.

OP posts:
ValerieDoonican · 09/02/2023 20:46

It's no loss to you OP (quite the opposite!) but a big loss to him, so he might easily come crawling back with promises to be a reformed character one way or another.

But if he thought your wellbeing and wishes were important, he would have respected them all along. He sounds like the sort to lie to get back into the cushy situation you offered him. Don't listen!

The demotivation and paranoia certainly sound like the weed to me. Either way you don't need this waster in your and DD's life, make sure you keep him gone

chevvyroo · 09/02/2023 20:47

The Q Anon stuff would be my line in the sand and I don't say that lightly. The weed, I don't mind the odd bit but you do and you made it clear.

Original poster
sopher · 09/02/2023 20:48

ValerieDoonican · 09/02/2023 20:46

It's no loss to you OP (quite the opposite!) but a big loss to him, so he might easily come crawling back with promises to be a reformed character one way or another.

But if he thought your wellbeing and wishes were important, he would have respected them all along. He sounds like the sort to lie to get back into the cushy situation you offered him. Don't listen!

The demotivation and paranoia certainly sound like the weed to me. Either way you don't need this waster in your and DD's life, make sure you keep him gone

I've already received a message saying he feels awful and is hoping he hasn't made the wrong decision. So you might be on to something there!
I've not responded anyhow. Thanks for the advice x

OP posts:
Hiyawotcha · 09/02/2023 20:52

agree with previous posters - your position and his position on the rights and wrongs of cannabis are irrelevant. You clearly stated that you would not tolerate it in your house/outside your house. He overstepped boundaries massively. Plus if he drove while smoking regularly he could easily be as unfit to drive as if he’s over the alcohol limit.
your instincts to boot him are right.

Theunamedcat · 09/02/2023 20:53

Block him fast him dumping you isn't shit it's the trash taking itself out

PissedOffofTiverton1790 · 09/02/2023 20:55

He also clearly didn’t care that it could potentially threaten your livelihood and your daughter’s security!

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 21:01

Erm you have a child and brought someone on an illegal drug into the house..Are you mad?

JaniceBattersby · 09/02/2023 21:02

sopher · 09/02/2023 20:48

I've already received a message saying he feels awful and is hoping he hasn't made the wrong decision. So you might be on to something there!
I've not responded anyhow. Thanks for the advice x

Show quote history

So he’s already trying to reframe it as ‘his decision’? Okkkkkaaaay.

Sounds like he’s about to ‘change his mind’ and ‘give you another chance’. Lucky you! Tell him to fuck off. I can’t bloody bear casually weed smokers. They’re the same people who would go bloody mad if a drug dealer moved in next door. Cause and effect.

Original poster
sopher · 09/02/2023 21:04

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 21:01

Erm you have a child and brought someone on an illegal drug into the house..Are you mad?

My daughter wasn't here when he was high in my home. Nor had he been around her whilst high.

OP posts:
Pinklemons9 · 09/02/2023 21:10

sopher · 09/02/2023 15:13

Thank you all for your advice.
He's moved out and sent a text this morning to say he deserves better and wants to break up. Which is shit.

Thank you all again

He said what! The absolute cheek of it. He’s a delusional loser. Thank god you’ve gotten rid. Delete his number. In a few months you’ll wonder what on earth you saw in him and laugh.

randomuser2019 · 09/02/2023 22:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Helpmyplans · 09/02/2023 22:23

He's a loser.

yukkamumma · 09/02/2023 22:33

It's not legal for good reason, the stuff is far more damaging to long term users than people seem to realise. Complete personality changer. This will not get better OP, take my word for it. I'm picking up the pieces of my 14 yo dd after hanging on to her stoner dad too long. It's insidious and will curse your lives if you let it

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2023 22:38

Why didn't you break up with him?? You were seriously going to continue the relationship? Your standards are so incredibly messed up.