Page 2 | Partner + weed + child - PLEASE HELP

sopher · 2023-02-07T22:41:49+00:00

I need to vent/ask for advice/make sure I'm not over reacting. I've been with my partner for 3 years, he moved in with my daughter (6) and I in September. When we started talking I knew he smoked weed. I wasn't crazy about the idea but it wasn't often and I don't actually think weed is necessarily bad. HOWEVER when we were discussing him moving in, I made it explicitly clear that he can under no circumstances keep weed in the house or in his car outside of his house because of my daughter and my job (I won't post my job title as I don't want to be identified but it's a serious job). He lived with his parents prior to moving in so I said he'd have to keep it there. He was fine with this. I came home from work tonight to him high as a kite. I've asked him if he'd been to his parents to smoke it.... no, he says he's had it in his car for a couple of weeks. HE TOOK MY DAUGHTER TO SCHOOL LAST WEEK. I am absolutely livid. I've told him that he's overstepped a boundary in a massive way and needs to GTFO out my house basically. He's currently sulking and saying I'm over reacting/it shouldn't even be illegal/I need to calm down. I feel like he's taken a huge risk by being in possession of weed in a house I own with my six year old daughter. Is he serious?!?! We've had reoccurring arguments over the last few months as he's exposed himself as a bit of a QAnon buff, so our views do not align. He's quite intolerant and comes off as a bit of a narcissist - obviously I can't diagnose but he shows traits like never thinking he's wrong and thinking he's above the law. I am FUMING and getting more angry by the second at the thought of him lying about this for 2 weeks and taking my daughter to school. Am I over reacting by telling him he needs to move out? Any advice would be appreciated xx

Tlolljs · 08/02/2023 08:43

Get rid. It’s irrelevant if he thinks you’re overreacting. These are your boundaries clearly explained before he moved in. He has broken the agreement out he goes.
I wouldn’t have even dated him in the first place. But that’s up to you.

Original poster

sopher · 08/02/2023 08:44

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2023 08:42

"When we started talking I knew he smoked weed. I wasn't crazy about the idea but it wasn't often and I don't actually think weed is necessarily bad."

This type of thinking links in with your own low self esteem; you were making excuses. He told you as well he only smoked one or two nights a week before moving in with you and your child - a likely story.

Would suggest you not date further, let alone move a man in, until you have sorted out your issues pertaining to low self worth through therapy.

I absolutely agree, thank you

OP posts:

Abc12389 · 08/02/2023 08:47

He heard your boundaries about moving in and ignored them. He didn’t discuss, at the time, his issue with them. He agreed and then ignored them. This may be because he doesn’t care, or because he hates confrontation, either way kick him out.

Do you know for sure it was 1/2 nights a week? I have no issue with weed. At my age now I wouldn’t date a weed smoker but in my 20s I did. I do have an issue with people taking the piss - which he is doing.

Does he work etc? Why did he live with parents? Are you both in your early 20’s?

Bananalanacake · 08/02/2023 08:48

Have a relationship without living together, it's great, no snoring, farting fucking man taking up space in Your home.

potniatheron · 08/02/2023 08:48

I don't think smoking weed is a neutral act because habitual weed smoking saps one's motivation and causes paranoia (I say this as a former addict and alcoholic).

A demotivated, paranoid man is not really a good prospect for a long term partner.

but regardless of your feelings on weed per se, he went against your expressed wishes and is gaslighting you by refusing to believe that that's a big deal. If you let this go, you will have set the pattern for your entire relationship from hereon in.

Abc12389 · 08/02/2023 08:49

Narcissistic traits are another reason to kick him out. To be honest he’s showing his colours quickly which is great - move on without him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2023 08:50

Your child will also thank you if going forward you show her both positive male and female role models.

You in turn also need a good shark cage. A shark cage is a set of ideas and skills that create good boundaries and self-esteem. People with good shark cages will weigh any potential new relationship against how happy they already are. Some of the things that contribute to having a good shark cage include:

Being raised to believe you’re valuable and important.
Having adults in your life who model healthy, mutual relationships.
Being taught from an early age that your body belongs to you and no one can touch it without your permission.
Believing that you are fundamentally equal to other human beings.
Knowing how to say “no” effectively.
Knowing how to tell the difference between interest in you as a person and as an object.
Trusting your “spidey-sense” when it tells you to turn someone down.

soundcloud.com/odanu/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers

Ideally, our parents or other adults in our lives taught us what we needed to know as children. However, most of us don’t live in an ideal world. For those of us who need to build our shark cages as adults, the following tips can help.

Working with a therapist or other professional to work through the trauma that is in your way.

Spending time and effort examining your belief that you’re “not good enough” and changing it.

Observing people in healthy relationships to see how they interact.
Practicing recognizing, respecting, and fulfilling your own wants and needs as best you can.

Getting in the habit of saying “no” to small things, and work your way up.
Saying “thank you” as full repayment for compliments and attention, especially if you didn’t ask for it.

Dealing with touch starvation through the use of an emotional support animal, family, and/or supportive friends.

Getting into the habit of “listening” to your body and your “spidey-sense”.

Original poster

sopher · 08/02/2023 08:55

Abc12389 · 08/02/2023 08:47

He heard your boundaries about moving in and ignored them. He didn’t discuss, at the time, his issue with them. He agreed and then ignored them. This may be because he doesn’t care, or because he hates confrontation, either way kick him out.

Do you know for sure it was 1/2 nights a week? I have no issue with weed. At my age now I wouldn’t date a weed smoker but in my 20s I did. I do have an issue with people taking the piss - which he is doing.

Does he work etc? Why did he live with parents? Are you both in your early 20’s?

He works from home yes, but does all of his work from his laptop in bed. Not the biggest issue but I guess goes hand in hand with weed sapping a person's motivation. We were mid-20s when we met. I don't know why he lived with his parents. I'm also his first relationship

OP posts:

Original poster

sopher · 08/02/2023 08:57

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2023 08:50

Your child will also thank you if going forward you show her both positive male and female role models.

You in turn also need a good shark cage. A shark cage is a set of ideas and skills that create good boundaries and self-esteem. People with good shark cages will weigh any potential new relationship against how happy they already are. Some of the things that contribute to having a good shark cage include:

Being raised to believe you’re valuable and important.
Having adults in your life who model healthy, mutual relationships.
Being taught from an early age that your body belongs to you and no one can touch it without your permission.
Believing that you are fundamentally equal to other human beings.
Knowing how to say “no” effectively.
Knowing how to tell the difference between interest in you as a person and as an object.
Trusting your “spidey-sense” when it tells you to turn someone down.

soundcloud.com/odanu/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers

Ideally, our parents or other adults in our lives taught us what we needed to know as children. However, most of us don’t live in an ideal world. For those of us who need to build our shark cages as adults, the following tips can help.

Working with a therapist or other professional to work through the trauma that is in your way.

Spending time and effort examining your belief that you’re “not good enough” and changing it.

Observing people in healthy relationships to see how they interact.
Practicing recognizing, respecting, and fulfilling your own wants and needs as best you can.

Getting in the habit of saying “no” to small things, and work your way up.
Saying “thank you” as full repayment for compliments and attention, especially if you didn’t ask for it.

Dealing with touch starvation through the use of an emotional support animal, family, and/or supportive friends.

Getting into the habit of “listening” to your body and your “spidey-sense”.

I'll look into this. Thank you so much. Really helpful, not just for me but so that I can ensure my daughter has good boundaries and self esteem growing up. Thanks again

OP posts:

GoodChat · 08/02/2023 08:58

Did he smoke the weed in your house?

Snowisfallinghere · 08/02/2023 08:58

It has that effect on me too but I think there are quite a lot of people out there with professional careers who find that it actually enhances their mental performance, particularly if they struggle with something like ADHD and the cannabis actually helps them to focus more on one single thing with fewer distracting thoughts.

Personally I think that if a parent smokes weed and is slightly stoned in the evening at home once or twice a week, that's no worse than a parent drinking two glasses of wine and being slightly tipsy.

However, I agree with what the others have said above: the weed is beside the point. You told him your boundaries and he didn't respect that. It could have been boundaries about something legal like drinking alcohol or gambling, and he should still respect that. And also the QAnon stuff, he sounds like an idiot. That stuff is vastly more dangerous than weed. Definitely dump him.

Original poster

sopher · 08/02/2023 08:59

GoodChat · 08/02/2023 08:58

Did he smoke the weed in your house?

He said he went for a walk to smoke it. I didn't smell it in the house or outside, but he's clearly shown himself to not be trustworthy

OP posts:

Snowisfallinghere · 08/02/2023 08:59

Oops the first paragraph was supposed to be a reply to @potniatheron

Flowersintheattic57 · 08/02/2023 09:02

sopher · 08/02/2023 08:57

I'll look into this. Thank you so much. Really helpful, not just for me but so that I can ensure my daughter has good boundaries and self esteem growing up. Thanks again

Show quote history

I wish this was part of the curriculum from kindergarten

GoodChat · 08/02/2023 09:02

I don't understand how he's shown himself to be untrustworthy. He kept the weed in the car. It wasn't in the house which is what he agreed to. He hasn't brought it into the house or smoked it in the house. He's completely stuck to your agreement apart from storing it somewhere different to where you told him to, but still not in the house. He hasn't been under the influence around your daughter.

I'm impressed that he managed to be high as a kite without you smelling it at all as someone who's stoned normally stinks. Unless it's not weed he's high on.

Flowersintheattic57 · 08/02/2023 09:02

Attila’s advice, rubbish quoting from me

SomePosters · 08/02/2023 09:03

I d think your overreacting about the weed but not about the lying

why on earth did you move a man into your child’s home when you felt the need to make these kind of rules, either he is a safe person and you trust his judgement or not, he already smoked when you got together so you’ve no right to go laying down the law about how he is allowed to behave now.

Also get that qanon nutter away from your kids before real harm is done, I would be much more concerned about harming your kids than an occasional puff outside the home

LittleLegoWoman · 08/02/2023 09:03

It doesn’t really matter what people’s personal feelings are about weed and whether or not it’s more dangerous than alcohol etc etc. It’s illegal. And because it’s illegal, some people have jobs where they absolutely cannot be associated with drugs in any way. Presumably OP’s job is one like that, which she made clear to this man before he moved in. It’s enormously disrespectful to her to then violate her house rules and put her job at risk.
Put him in the bin OP.

Trixielo · 08/02/2023 09:03

You were clear on your boundaries and he accepted those before he moved in. He then ignored them and did what he wanted instead. That would be the issue for me, not the weed per se.

Original poster

sopher · 08/02/2023 09:04

GoodChat · 08/02/2023 09:02

I don't understand how he's shown himself to be untrustworthy. He kept the weed in the car. It wasn't in the house which is what he agreed to. He hasn't brought it into the house or smoked it in the house. He's completely stuck to your agreement apart from storing it somewhere different to where you told him to, but still not in the house. He hasn't been under the influence around your daughter.

I'm impressed that he managed to be high as a kite without you smelling it at all as someone who's stoned normally stinks. Unless it's not weed he's high on.

The agreement was to not have it in the house or in the car outside of the house. He agreed that he would keep it at his parents house and go there to have it if he wanted it.

OP posts:

Original poster

sopher · 08/02/2023 09:06

LittleLegoWoman · 08/02/2023 09:03

It doesn’t really matter what people’s personal feelings are about weed and whether or not it’s more dangerous than alcohol etc etc. It’s illegal. And because it’s illegal, some people have jobs where they absolutely cannot be associated with drugs in any way. Presumably OP’s job is one like that, which she made clear to this man before he moved in. It’s enormously disrespectful to her to then violate her house rules and put her job at risk.
Put him in the bin OP.

My job is absolutely one like that. I hear what people are saying, I also think it should be legalised. It's the fact that it's illegal and could have huge implications on my job and my child. Thanks for understanding

OP posts:

ErinAndTonic · 08/02/2023 09:11

Sounds like he has no redeeming qualities here. Does he even contribute fairly to the house and bills, housework etc?

With all those qualities you've listed, even if the drug thing wasn't there he's hardly a catch. Why would you want someone like that around your daughter?

I agree with others, kick him out, be single and work on yourself, and don't date someone else until you have raised your standards to match you as you seem like a successful person who has their priorities straight. Don't accept any less than this from a man!

NameChangePoP · 08/02/2023 09:26

Another one saying get rid. I hate weed with a passion - it stinks to high heaven, it causes untold psychological problems and too readily available. I don't think it should be legalised at all.
He's clearly selfish and can't put your needs above his own. Time he grew up.

Whenever anything like this is posted on our local FB site, 90% of responses are telling the OP chill, it's only a bit of weed, it never hurt anyone. So sad that society has come to this and the sooner they toughen up sentences for possession of this stuff the better.

Ariela · 08/02/2023 09:37

It's given me a wake up call because it directly affects my daughter x

It should have also given YOU a wake up call because it directly affects your job.

You don't need this cr*p in your life.

EmptyPlaces · 08/02/2023 09:52

sopher · 08/02/2023 08:34

He smoked weed one or two nights a week before he moved in. Im not sure that's an addict?

Show quote history

Addicts lie. As you now know, because you’ve realised he is a heavy weed smoker and an addict.