Blended family fun - any experiences with new DP and own very young children?

[2023ismyyear]

Hi all
Wasn't sure whether to put this in parenting or relationships.. but just hoping to hear similar stories out there about my current situation..advice is also welcome!
My DS has just turned 3 and is the light of my life. His dad and I broke up when he was 18 months old, on fairly amicable terms (I use that term loosely- it's been pretty up and down, but our care for our DS and remained the priority). I was and still am a SAHM (Ex-DH was very fair with finances) and because of this, and DS's young age, DS lives full-time with me and sees his dad a few afternoons a week and every other Saturday for the day. He's just about to move to staying over at his dad's 1 night a week.. We also have a supportive family network and we live nearby to eachother. For the most part things are working really well - the main thing is DS is a very happy, secure, loved little boy who obviously has no memory of his parents being together, but has a good relationship with his dad, and him and I have an extremely close bond.
So that's all good. So... I also have a DP, who I've now been with for about a year. Obviously he knew straight away about my DS, and was very open early on that he wanted to be very much involved in DS's life, and that he'd also like children of his own (He's currently childless). I should also add that I have never been happier with anyone than with him - I could write realms on how much I love him and how I've gone through a LOT of frogs to get to him, but basically the important part is we're very happy, very in love, the relationship works really well, and I can absolutely see my future with this man.
So the complication is how to make our blended family work. DP met my DS when we'd been together about 6 months, and now spends most weekends with us (Him and I usually have a "grown up" date night once a week). We've gone on trips together, endless soft play hell/farm/park type days out together, DP has done things on his own with DS, has babysat for him a few times.. he makes a huge effort with DS and has fully embraced family life...
And yet... it's really, really hard isn't it? DP is soon moving in with us - it just makes sense financially and we want to save and build for the future. We'd like to have more children, and haven't got forever to do it (I am 38 and he is 41). And yet.. I can see in DP how hard he finds it at times. Having had no kids himself, he had no idea of the work and grind that a 3 year old demands, and it's been quite a shock. He struggles with the fact that he'll try so hard with my DS, and then sometimes my DS will completely ignore him/reject him/continually push him aside for me. DS is a real mummy's boy, and always has been, and whilst he absolutely likes DP, he will drop him in a second for me.. Which makes the work DP puts in feel very unrewarding.
With DP moving in soon I worry about how life will be. I want DP to step into the "second daddy" shoes and parent with me, I want him to love DS like he was his own.. But is that actually possible? And how do you navigate a situation where your partner suddenly has a much harder life raising a toddler who isn't his own? Do you either just get on with the parenting side yourself - the nights, the 6am starts, the tantrums, but then resent the fact your DP has it so much easier, or do you try and bring them into the parent position and hope that they bond with your DC?
Just interested in people's thoughts..

Would you live someone else's child like your own. Exactly. Why do you need him to step parent? Do you think that moving in so soon after being with someone a year is a sensible idea?

I just wouldn't live together yet. Your son is only 3 and is very bonded to you. That's a big thing to disrupt.

Don’t move him in yet. Your son is very young and has already had a lot of upheaval, whether he can recall it or not. No offence but this could be over in a year. He is moving in with no commitment to you and you say he struggles that a toddler doesn’t want to be near him all the time (honestly red flag to me, what 41 year old doesn’t realise babies want their mother and how skittish they can be). What’s going to happen when you have his baby? There’s a real danger he won’t be bothered with your child at all.

Also as you don’t work - unless you were at an appointment- why is he taking your child out alone? Seems like you are keen to push this. Sorry but you need to think of your son above all else.

So mummy’s boyfriend stays every weekend but your sons own father is only nearly being allowed to have overnight contact 🤨

Are you claiming benefits or getting spousal from your ex that you’ll have to give up if you live together?

Yes I did notice that too. Also please OP don’t use ‘second daddy’ as a phrase or even entertain it as a thought. Your son has a daddy. There is no such thing as a second daddy, just a man who is your partner. Does your ex know he is moving in? Might not fancy being so fair with money if he knows he is subsiding you and ‘second daddy’ playing house. Think very carefully about this all. It’s great you are in love but don’t jump in feet first. Whose idea was it to live together?

This is truly sick. Why does he need to babysit when you don’t work, your child has a father and you have a close family network?

Are you under the impression that this is normal? It’s not. Single parents with no other options are still hesitant to allow new boyfriends to babysit.

How can your child be the light of your life when you are so cavalier with him?

I know! And the DS isn’t a rewarding project for new BF apparently because (shock horror) DS prefers his own biological mother to this random man she is imposing on him.

From your son’s point of view this seems rushed. I think that where children are involved then things like moving in together need to happen far, far more slowly. Your son’s needs have to come first; your desire for more children/ biological clock ticking ought to be on the back burner. I don’t think it’s fair to rush these things along when you’ve already got a child, who I don’t doubt is very happy but has already had one major upheaval in his life. Yes kids are resilient but I still believe that we should be very risk averse when it comes to making decisions (like moving a partner in, having another child) that could affect their happiness.

I'm the mum in this situation. Having been re-married/Co-habiting for several years with DW and my older children, the hard truth is that a step-parent will never love your child the same as they would love their own. This becomes amplified once you actually have your own shared child, and the difference in the relationship the step-parent has with their own child as compared to that which they have with your child is clear.

Not sure I have really useful advice but maybe worth bearing in mind that lots of little kids have phases of preferring one parent over the other even where their parents are still together. So I wouldn't overthink that aspect of it.

I think you're bound to be disappointed if you expect your dp to live your ds as much as him own. Could you love a stepchild as much as your ds? I would happily accept a partner liking my kids as much as their friends parents and teachers do iyswim.

I think that you should be doing more than 50% of the parenting of ds because you are his mum where as if you and dp split up he'll never see him again. Second Daddy is really not a good idea. Your son has a daddy and your partner should be more like a friend/uncle kind of figure- he defers to you for the big issues but is an adult that he can trust.

While I wouldn't want a live in partner sleeping until noon when I got up at 6, I'd expect to do most of the 6am wakings with the odd exception like Mother's Day or illness.
What would you do if your child with dp also showed a preference for you? Sometimes kids prefer their mums or they will see their sibling prefer mum and copy that in a sibling rivalry kind of way.

As a LP I think you need to (nicely) give your head a little shake here.

I wouldn't ever expect the DP to get up in the night with DS or any of that stuff. He's your DS, not his.

You might find that he does some things but honestly it's unrealistic to expect him to do 50% when it's not his child.

Also people who haven't been closely involved in bringing up dcs often have very unrealistic ideas of what it's actually like day to day and even if they have, it's very easy to forget how hard it is.

I think you need to be careful here re money too. Is your ex really going to be happy to fund your life with a new partner as well?

Is DP the one who has been pushing for or suggesting this unsupervised babysitting? CSA alarm bells ringing

You have to beware the men who groom single mothers for access to their children

Your DS doesn’t need or want a second Daddy.

Your desire for a second child/your partners desire for his own child does not trump the needs of your already existing child.

And quite why you’re okay with some random new bloke being in your home overnight with your toddler whilst his own father isn’t allowed him overnight is mind boggling.

There will be a massive drip feed coming…

I feel like you have rushed into this relationship even if you think otherwise, you don't truly know this man and you've left him alone... to babysit your 3yr old.

You don't seem to have good boundaries, please just slow down and I wouldn't be moving him in " because it makes sense financially "

I would be trying to find a job, your boy will be in nursery/school soon, try to be independently secure before taking the next step with this Boyfriend.

This all makes me feel uncomfortable and like you are in a bit of a fantasy. Why when your sons dad is so involved have all these expectations re child having a second daddy. It is a worry you partner feels rejected by a 3 year old . Why is he having so much time alone with your child. He is making himself indespensible and that is ringing alarm bells for me. Don't move in together for the financial situation either, which actually will become complicated.

I want DP to step into the "second daddy" shoes and parent with me, I want him to love DS like he was his own..

A second daddy is not a thing and it is not fair for you to expect that from either your son or your boyfriend. Nor is is fair to his father, even if your partner now is a wonderful step father. How would you feel if your ex was trying to force his new woman in to your child’s life as a second mummy?

Good step parents are not substitutes for the real thing. They can compliment a family if they put in a lot of effort and are prepared to make sacrifices, but they don’t have the rights or responsibility of a parent so they should not expect the same love back from a child.

if your partner is expecting to feel ‘rewarded’ by a child for the effort he puts in, then he has a lot of growing up to do before he’s ready to be a good step father.

This feels very very soon to be living together when you have a 3 year old. Your son has had an awful lot of change in his small life and he wants to be with his mum.

With DP moving in soon I worry about how life will be. I want DP to step into the "second daddy" shoes and parent with me, I want him to love DS like he was his own.. But is that actually possible?

Try to think about this from everyone else’s perspective.

How reasonable is it to expect a partner to love your child as if he were his own child? Being a parent is a big thing and this just isn’t a fair expectation. Especially when there are constant reminders that the child is not yours.

So you need to ask yourself if you are genuinely going to treat your DP as if he were your child’s father. Is his opinion going to be equal to yours? To the child’s father’s? Or will you get final say? If you’re honest, the answer is not that you are going to treat him like he’s your DS’s father - so it’s not reasonable to expect him to love the child like his own.

Similarly, how is it going to feel for your ex? And how might that affect your co-parenting going on.

And, most importantly, ask yourself if your DS is going to want another man who thinks of himself as like his father. Is he going to live your partner like he’s his father? Does that matter?

Instead, it’s much, much better to let them have their own relationship with no expectations of anything like parent-child love.

And how do you navigate a situation where your partner suddenly has a much harder life raising a toddler who isn't his own? Do you either just get on with the parenting side yourself - the nights, the 6am starts, the tantrums, but then resent the fact your DP has it so much easier, or do you try and bring them into the parent position and hope that they bond with your DC?

Again, ask yourself if it’s reasonable you expect someone who isn’t the child’s father to do far more than you expect of the child’s actual father.

It’s much better to recognise that he is your partner and not a parent. You are a parent. He is already compromising by having his life affected by your responsibilities - but they aren’t his responsibilities. Even if he sometimes helps you out, try to remember that he is doing you a favour. He’s not obligated to do so.

Mostly ask yourself if you can live with that. You can’t simply recreate a sort of near nuclear family set up where you get to pick and choose the parameters. If you can’t live with being the one still getting up in the night with your son while your partner sleeps, maybe moving in together is not a good idea right now.

Also ask yourself how you’d feel about your ex designating a girlfriend your DS’s ‘second mummy’…