Blended family fun - any experiences with new DP and own very young children?

[2023ismyyear]

Hi all
Wasn't sure whether to put this in parenting or relationships.. but just hoping to hear similar stories out there about my current situation..advice is also welcome!
My DS has just turned 3 and is the light of my life. His dad and I broke up when he was 18 months old, on fairly amicable terms (I use that term loosely- it's been pretty up and down, but our care for our DS and remained the priority). I was and still am a SAHM (Ex-DH was very fair with finances) and because of this, and DS's young age, DS lives full-time with me and sees his dad a few afternoons a week and every other Saturday for the day. He's just about to move to staying over at his dad's 1 night a week.. We also have a supportive family network and we live nearby to eachother. For the most part things are working really well - the main thing is DS is a very happy, secure, loved little boy who obviously has no memory of his parents being together, but has a good relationship with his dad, and him and I have an extremely close bond.
So that's all good. So... I also have a DP, who I've now been with for about a year. Obviously he knew straight away about my DS, and was very open early on that he wanted to be very much involved in DS's life, and that he'd also like children of his own (He's currently childless). I should also add that I have never been happier with anyone than with him - I could write realms on how much I love him and how I've gone through a LOT of frogs to get to him, but basically the important part is we're very happy, very in love, the relationship works really well, and I can absolutely see my future with this man.
So the complication is how to make our blended family work. DP met my DS when we'd been together about 6 months, and now spends most weekends with us (Him and I usually have a "grown up" date night once a week). We've gone on trips together, endless soft play hell/farm/park type days out together, DP has done things on his own with DS, has babysat for him a few times.. he makes a huge effort with DS and has fully embraced family life...
And yet... it's really, really hard isn't it? DP is soon moving in with us - it just makes sense financially and we want to save and build for the future. We'd like to have more children, and haven't got forever to do it (I am 38 and he is 41). And yet.. I can see in DP how hard he finds it at times. Having had no kids himself, he had no idea of the work and grind that a 3 year old demands, and it's been quite a shock. He struggles with the fact that he'll try so hard with my DS, and then sometimes my DS will completely ignore him/reject him/continually push him aside for me. DS is a real mummy's boy, and always has been, and whilst he absolutely likes DP, he will drop him in a second for me.. Which makes the work DP puts in feel very unrewarding.
With DP moving in soon I worry about how life will be. I want DP to step into the "second daddy" shoes and parent with me, I want him to love DS like he was his own.. But is that actually possible? And how do you navigate a situation where your partner suddenly has a much harder life raising a toddler who isn't his own? Do you either just get on with the parenting side yourself - the nights, the 6am starts, the tantrums, but then resent the fact your DP has it so much easier, or do you try and bring them into the parent position and hope that they bond with your DC?
Just interested in people's thoughts..

This is all sort of uncomfortable. You have allowed a new BF into your DC life quickly and he is also spending time alone with him. Now I am not saying all blokes are dodge paedophiles as I too was a single mum. However I never let my now DH around my son until we were in a secure relationship and I also never handed over parenting responsibility. and always remember this man isn't your DC father and if you split will walk away. Be sensible with your young DC mental health.
Why are you trying to push this man onto your son? This is your boyfriend not your childs father. T

He struggles with the fact that he'll try so hard with my DS, and then sometimes my DS will completely ignore him/reject him/continually push him aside for me. DS is a real mummy's boy, and always has been, and whilst he absolutely likes DP, he will drop him in a second for me.. Which makes the work DP puts in feel very unrewarding.

don't move this man in with your son.

Obviously you will 😞

@rogueone I'm a single mum too. I was trying to make OP aware of a safeguarding risk that worryingly I don't think was even on her radar. I wouldn't ever leave my own toddler alone with an unrelated male who wasn't a DBS checked nursery worker.

For one thing, he wouldn't have the language to tell me what had happened if god forbid anything did.

Rushing in a random dude to play daddy is not what your toddler needs. You can’t force a happy family. You kissed a lot of frogs and your first baby’s father is pretty underwhelming. Don’t make the same mistake over and over again that you’ve made previously.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’d rather you just got pregnant to this new guy. It’s less creepy than you trying to offer him your son. If you really can’t see why it’s inappropriate for a boyfriend of under a year to be babysitting your preschool child, then just get a new baby. Hopefully this man will just turn out to be one of those arsehole stepfather who prefers his own child. That’s the best case scenario. The worst case scenario is that he is a child molester. Oh wait I forgot. He has a job. Clearly, he’s completely safe then!!

Id slow down a bit tbh !

id also get a job . You can’t expect your ex to finance you when your living with another man
also long run you don’t want to be financially dependant on men ?

but if this is going ahead I’d also encourage way more time with his own father so he can build a relationship with his actual dad and you can have time with your fellow as a couple

*I wouldn't ever expect the DP to get up in the night with DS or any of that stuff. He's your DS, not his.

You might find that he does some things but honestly it's unrealistic to expect him to do 50% when it's not his child.*

I agree with this. I'm a step parent and I don't think it's reasonable to expect your DP to love your DS like his own or to do half of the parenting. It's a bit of a red flag to me that you feel you would resent him for not doing half of the drudge work with you - he's your kid, you shouldn't expect that of him.

I think it sounds like your DP has put a lot of effort in with your son so in terms of your actual OP, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

I understand the comments saying you are rushing things. But also if you're serious about having more children then you don't have long to wait, so I do understand why you wouldn't take things slow.

The difficulty is the OP actually already has a son in the world so it’s not as simple as saying you can’t hang about crack on. The child has to be put first.

EVERYTHING changes when they have their own child I mean I’m a mother in this situation with my partner who has an older child and I tell you now I loved everything before I had my child everything to do with the three of us it was perfect and now it’s frustrating at times hard and I sometimes just want time with the three of us either child and it doesn’t always happen.

i do love his eldest child and I love my own but every dynamic changes and it’s so hard to accept.

im not known as second mum or even step mum and I’m okay with that. They know me as dads girlfriend and little sisters mum and that’s fine. I would never over step the mark and tell him what to do or how to be and I wouldn’t dream of even saying anything I leave that to his dad.

that being said if I ever was to be in a new relationship I wouldn’t want the word dad to be used I wouldn’t want to offend my child’s dad in the slightest. I had a step dad once and he’s still as dad now but I only did that because my dad was absolutely shocking.

you can’t confuse your three year old or push things onto anyone and I tell you Now I’ve been left alone with his eldest 3/4 times while both parents work and not just because they are both having a social life

The fact he was “very keen” to be a part of his life from the offset seems odd to me. You introduced them really quickly yet his own father isn’t having him overnight? This situation is really odd OP. I wouldn’t love together for some time yet

So the man you married was not a very good man but the man you've been in a relationship with for a year is? And yet he struggles with what is absolutely normal behaviour for a 3 year old.

I can tell you that if you move him in, you will be putting your boyfriend before your son. If there is tension and unrealistic expectations now, they will increase tenfold when he's living with him full time.

You should never expect someone else to be a "second Daddy"! Your son has a Daddy who sounds like a decent one. Your new partner is not a replacement Daddy.

Why don't you let your ex take your son out a bit more so your new partner doesn't get overwhelmed. It's overwhelming having kids, let alone looking after kids that aren't yours.

It's a bit too early for him to move in imo. The daily grind with kids will most likely kill the honeymoon phase - why not enjoy the romantic period while it lasts?

Just my thoughts, do what you want though. Hope all goes well.

The problem with rushing it along because you hear your biological clock ticking is that you won’t see the problems until it’s much too late.

It’s complex and you have some adjustment to go through to calibrate your own expectations. Even before you find out what actually trying to live together as a stepfamily would be like. And you do want to really understand where the issues and resentments might come from before you even consider a baby.

this isn’t some ‘won’t you think about your child!’ point. I am trying to be really pragmatic for your well-being as well as everyone else’s. Making decisions through love goggles without really understanding what living as a stepfamily with anyone (no matter how long you think you’ve known them) is not a recipe for your own long term happiness.

My DH has 3 kids, I have none. I met his kids after 4 months and we moved in after 8. At the time his DSs were 13 and 14 and his DD was 3. We'd known each other for 20 years and actually dated in high school so we weren't exactly strangers.

To the boys I've always just been dad's partner/wife, but I've played quite an active role in bringing up my DSD. We have her 50% of the time and due to our work schedules I do the majority of the school runs.

I don't want to have any children of my own so there's no risk of DSD not feeling as loved as my own children and I do love her as my own. We have a very close bond.

She took to me straight away to be honest but it took a while and some ups and downs, pushing of boundaries etc to get to where we are today. There's been times when I've felt like an outsider or not good enough but as an adult who chose to join a ready made family I just got on with it. I took things at her pace, made sure she had plenty of 1 to 1 time with dad, did the fun stuff and let DH tackle the parenting part.

I'd now class myself as her parent. I teach her things, discipline when needed and we have girly days out together. Basically everything a mum would do. This didn't happen overnight.

If your DP is feeling put out by a toddler then maybe he's not ready to be part of a blended family yet. Step-parenting can be hard work and it's not for everyone.

This is ringing HUGE alarm bells. He seems overly keen and invested. It's far too soon in my opinion to think about having children with this man or moving in with you and your child. What if you decide that you don't want another child, will he stick around?

He is 41 and childless, divorced or only long term relationships? I would be concerned about his history and what demons are in his closet.

Also, speaking from bitter experience. I know a 41 Yr old man no children, on the surface successful, high earner, own house and brand new car. Flashes the cash when he wants to, promises that sound great but never fully materialise, lots of future talking and building the ultimate fantasy life, saw him 2 times a week for over a year. (Always the same days) never argues but can disagree, not conventionally good looking but weirdly attractive, good in bed, passionate and makes you feel like you're the only woman to ever make him feel the way you do. Etc etc etc. He will tell you he's never had better, etc etc

This 'man' played me for a fool. Cheated for at least 8 months from what I can work out and left me in worst possible way at Xmas. He fucking ghosted me and went away with another woman.

He said he wanted a Life with me and my child. He apparently needs ivf. (Previous relationship) He is desperate for a kid of his own. He cheated with me on his ex thinking he could have that. I am deeply ashamed. Trust me.

This man is unforgiving in his pursuit of a child. He will do anything. I have spoken to several women and he is not unique. There are men out there who will use you for your ovaries.

Be careful.

“I can't believe I'm having to write this, but no, I would not allow a man into my son's life who didn't work, have his own home, have met his family, friends, colleagues.. As I say, I know him. And I suppose maybe I am "in the honeymoon phase" because he is a good man. As opposed to my DS's father, but that appears to be of no consequence. And so I can assure you he is financially viable, sane, not a threat, etc..”

The thing is - you're not “having” to write this, because there’s not nearly as much judgement on this thread as you’re making out.

There is a world of difference between asking if this man could/would support you and DS if needed, and making an assumption that he is some unemployed layabout - which is what you seem to be implying as the alternative. There are lots of people who work incredibly hard but aren’t financially secure. There are also plenty of people who would resent supporting a step child financially if they needed to.

It’s great you’re in such a strong financial position - you’re very fortunate. It’s not a judgement to suggest you protect your financial interests, it’s just common sense and good advice.

I think most people would agree that the early stages of a relationship can be heady stuff. Presumably at one time you didn’t perceive your ex H as merely “average”. Even well educated women with good careers can find themselves in problematic relationships. Having abive anverage external and internal resource is really useful in many ways, but it’s not a panacea.

As long as you’re able to talk about all this stuff with your DP then that’s a positive sign that you’ll be able to figure out the bumps together. Hopefully all the information and advice people are sharing here will therefore be as irrelevant to you in five years’ time as it evidently seems right now.

He struggles with the fact that he'll try so hard with my DS, and then sometimes my DS will completely ignore him/reject him/continually push him aside for me. DS is a real mummy's boy, and always has been, and whilst he absolutely likes DP, he will drop him in a second for me.. Which makes the work DP puts in feel very unrewarding

Your ds tolerates your partner because he has no control over who you have around him. In his world, as long as he has you available he is happy.

If you read enough stories on the step parenting board then you would know that your partner's feelings are normal and the usual advice is to detach/do less so the rejection doesn't feel so deep. There are countless threads on if you could go back in time would you do it again ? Or if you could go back in time what would you tell yourself?

Your son is 3 years old. If your partner sticks around he's got decades of tricky stages to navigate. He wouldn't be unreasonable to decide that step parenting isn't for him.

If you want someone to do 50% of the parenting of ds then you'll need to get paid help (as his dad isn't up for 50% of the work)

I think it would be a good idea to read some threads by stepmums who loved their stepkids and had their feelings on what live is completely change when they had their own child. Not because they are unreasonable people but because you can't know what parenting is like until you dive into the deep end and do it. All of the little things that they were letting go because they aren't the parent comes to the service and it becomes a tricky time.

You're child had been through enormous changes and you're willingly about to inflict another on him?! What exactly is your priority here?

You married your previous husband and so quick to shack up with another (when we all know at this stage none are perfect). Again, priorities???

Surely the priority is to create a steady and norma start to life for your son?

I have a three year old, I am separated, I wouldnt dream of it. A man as much as I would love to meet one in time, would mean I could take my eye off the ball with my vunerable child, who has innocently been through enough, and derves my devotion at such a tender age.