Blended family fun - any experiences with new DP and own very young children?

[2023ismyyear]

Hi all
Wasn't sure whether to put this in parenting or relationships.. but just hoping to hear similar stories out there about my current situation..advice is also welcome!
My DS has just turned 3 and is the light of my life. His dad and I broke up when he was 18 months old, on fairly amicable terms (I use that term loosely- it's been pretty up and down, but our care for our DS and remained the priority). I was and still am a SAHM (Ex-DH was very fair with finances) and because of this, and DS's young age, DS lives full-time with me and sees his dad a few afternoons a week and every other Saturday for the day. He's just about to move to staying over at his dad's 1 night a week.. We also have a supportive family network and we live nearby to eachother. For the most part things are working really well - the main thing is DS is a very happy, secure, loved little boy who obviously has no memory of his parents being together, but has a good relationship with his dad, and him and I have an extremely close bond.
So that's all good. So... I also have a DP, who I've now been with for about a year. Obviously he knew straight away about my DS, and was very open early on that he wanted to be very much involved in DS's life, and that he'd also like children of his own (He's currently childless). I should also add that I have never been happier with anyone than with him - I could write realms on how much I love him and how I've gone through a LOT of frogs to get to him, but basically the important part is we're very happy, very in love, the relationship works really well, and I can absolutely see my future with this man.
So the complication is how to make our blended family work. DP met my DS when we'd been together about 6 months, and now spends most weekends with us (Him and I usually have a "grown up" date night once a week). We've gone on trips together, endless soft play hell/farm/park type days out together, DP has done things on his own with DS, has babysat for him a few times.. he makes a huge effort with DS and has fully embraced family life...
And yet... it's really, really hard isn't it? DP is soon moving in with us - it just makes sense financially and we want to save and build for the future. We'd like to have more children, and haven't got forever to do it (I am 38 and he is 41). And yet.. I can see in DP how hard he finds it at times. Having had no kids himself, he had no idea of the work and grind that a 3 year old demands, and it's been quite a shock. He struggles with the fact that he'll try so hard with my DS, and then sometimes my DS will completely ignore him/reject him/continually push him aside for me. DS is a real mummy's boy, and always has been, and whilst he absolutely likes DP, he will drop him in a second for me.. Which makes the work DP puts in feel very unrewarding.
With DP moving in soon I worry about how life will be. I want DP to step into the "second daddy" shoes and parent with me, I want him to love DS like he was his own.. But is that actually possible? And how do you navigate a situation where your partner suddenly has a much harder life raising a toddler who isn't his own? Do you either just get on with the parenting side yourself - the nights, the 6am starts, the tantrums, but then resent the fact your DP has it so much easier, or do you try and bring them into the parent position and hope that they bond with your DC?
Just interested in people's thoughts..

A couple of things strike me. It reads like you are replacing your dS dad. Your boyfriend seems to have more access to him and you are using phrases such as second dad.

This isn't appropriate nor helpful to your son. His dad is his dad and that is the realtionship that needs prioritising. Would you be okay with a second mum? I would slow down going anywhere near having a child with someone who lacks emotional maturity to be hurt by a three year old typical behavior.

I appreciate you want the fairy tale but I would caution don't see what isn't there .

I really don't think it's reasonable that you would think your partner is going to step into a parenting role for a child who isn't his.

Why would you resent him for not parenting your child? He isn't your child's parent.

Whatever care you do for your son now, you should expect to continue that when your BF moves in.

Woah.. Having watched mumsnet for years I can't believe this response.. I was just interested in some people's experiences of blended families and how it's worked. I wasn't looking for serious judgement and assumptions on my life choices..
I feel like I should clarify some major things here...

1. Yes of course I would never leave my DS with some "random man" - this is my partner of a year who I have known for years before.. and when I say "babysit" I mean he has watched him for an hour here or there, not overnight EVER.
2. the SAHM thing seems to have offended some people. I didn't realise I needed to defend this, but I am a student, and I'll be qualified in a year's time when I'll start working again.
3. Again, this wasn't an ex-DH-bashing conversation and I didn't realise needed further information. But I could offer extra info that he doesn't want to have DS more than he has, he left us, had numerous affairs, etc etc.. I have pushed him to see DS more and as he's got older they're relationship has got better. Again, not relevant, but just a bit more info.
4. I didn't mean replacing anyone, I just meant having a relationship that was like that of a "parent".

PS - and i don't mean I'm expecting or forcing it - I was just offering 2 examples of how other people have done it - bring the other person in to parent with you, carry on as before, etc etc.

Can you see how it seems to outsiders though? Leaving all else aside you need to think of money. Unlikely your ex will continue to support you if a new fella moves in. It’s awful your ex cheated on you but it doesn’t change anything.

I want DP to step into the "second daddy" shoes and parent with me, I want him to love DS like he was his own.

You're delusional and your judgement is quite alarming.

I agree with @Aquamarine1029
I am a step parent. I am not "Second Mummy" because that is not a thing and my stepchild has a mother.
Your partner will never love your child as much as you do.

didn't mean replacing anyone, I just meant having a relationship that was like that of a "parent".

bit ask yourself if you really mean that. or if you actually mean the cake and eating it version that many parents in new relationships go for.

You are looking at it all with the rose tinted glasses of an early relationship and a young child. But that’s not the reality.

In the nicest possible way OP you sound desperate to make this work but deep down you know trouble is on the horizon. Your expectations (and his) are completely unreasonable,and your DP will end up resenting your son. It's very normal for a toddler to prefer one parent, but you feel taken back that your boyfriend isn't getting rewarded enough for his time/attention? This is a child, not a rescue dog.
Would you be so hasty if you were younger? I fear you are rushing this attempt at perfect family life because your biological clock is ticking.

Fair point.. I wish I'd been a lot more careful how I worded things - I didn't realise if certain things came across in a certain way then I was up for public bashing for basically just wondering about blended families logistics/feelings/experiences.
So, I should not have said "second daddy", and of course I do not resent my DS for favouring me - whoever drew that conclusion, well, clearly I don't know mumsnet! I was just saying it's hard isn't it? When someone has no experience of kids, and tries really hard, and is getting used to the general day to day grind of toddler life, and yes - the fact that when you love your partner and you obviously adore your child - why is so weird to hope that one day they'll love eachother??

Oh, and the person who referred to the situation as some creepy weirdo trying to find a vulnerable single mum to get access to their kids... again, wow. Just wow. It would be funny if it wasn't genuinely horrible.

I really don’t want to rain on your parade and I understand that this guys seems perfect and you’ve got the ticking biological clock and all that going on. But there are a few red flags in your post which might just be because you’re ‘short handing’ information - or might be warning signs. It could be worth considering the following kinds of questions (not necessarily to post about just to think about)…

• Does your Ex H know? has he met DP, is he comfortable with the moving in etc? have you discussed any change in financial arrangements as a result? (Am assuming you have your own home, in your own name).
• have you and DP discussed all this openly - what his ‘role’ will be and where the boundaries will be, especially initially in the pre school years? If you have specific ways of parenting and dealing with tantrums for instance, is he on board and will he follow your lead on these? (agree with PP by the way ‘second daddy’ is a misguided way to look at it and puts a lot of pressure on everyone involved including your son).
• have you and DP discussed how your living arrangement will work financially (especially if home is in your sole name). What his contribution will be? How much you expect him to contribute and how much of that contribution will be 50/50 between adults even though some expenses will result from you having a child? If you have discussed it, are you on the same page?
• Have you and met lots of DP closest friends and family? Does he have nieces/nephews? Do you like them/their parents? Are his friends and family a welcoming bunch of people?
• Does he have his own place he is hanging onto if he moves in? Does he have a secure f/t job? Could he support you ALL if you were to have another child and want to continue being a SAHP while that one is little?
• If you are thinking of starting a family together have you talked about what that might mean in terms of care of your DS? Who might be responsible for what? The timeframe? How time at his dad’s will play into the equation for your DS? Having two preschoolers, for instance, is very tough going and a new sibling is a huge upheaval for any child.

I am not saying you need every perfect answer to every question right now, but you should be able to discuss all of the above amicably and openly, and come to some firm decisions even if they are just ‘starter’ choices (obviously things evolve over time).

I would be really concerned if your DP has issues feeling “pushed away” by your DS, or that the effort he puts in is “unrewarding” if he doesn’t get the reaction he wants. Those are red flags which can signal other issues.

Personally I wouldn’t move someone in until after DS is settled at school, you’re through the early years with all the mental and physical energy and childcare that requires, and until you’re back at work. I think it would be extremely rash of you to get pregnant too quickly (consider carefully the position you’d be in if unmarried vs unmarried, and the impact that could have if anything went wrong). In your shoes I would want to make sure any pre martial assets (eg your home) were protected before I remarried.

Keep in mind that not all men can/will stump up financially, if things go wrong, in the way your exH has.

Also keep in mind that a year is very little time to know someone and very much still the honeymoon phase of things.

Essentially: proceed with caution. If your son is your priority then slow things down a bit.

Sorry @2023ismyyear i didn’t post re CSA but why wouldn’t it be your new partner? You have only known him a year. You absolutely DO have to be alive to these possibilities unlikely and horrible as they are.
I think most people were saying your partner resents a 3 year old for not being responsive enough to him. That is a red flag. Spending time with young kids IS thankless, they don’t owe you anything.
I can’t comprehend how a 41 year old man has so little knowledge of kids. Has he no friends, relatives, anyone belonging to him that has young kids?
The worry is he is getting a better deal out of this, move in, rent paid, you’ll no doubt have a baby for him of his own and he hasn’t even so much as proposed. It’s far too soon and you shouldn’t even be considering this move in the circumstances.

I was in a similar situation to yourself. My DP was clear he wanted children and we got together when my DD was a similar age to your son. We are still together now and my DD is 13 we have had 2 children together now too.
My DD sees her dad and has never seen my DP as a Dad. I supposed when she was younger he was a bit more like a 'fun uncle'. He very much leaves any parenting decisions to me but would help out in other ways, for example if I did Bath and bedtime he would cook tea. We didn't live together for 3 years and she only met him after a year so took things slowly. I don't know if he loves her the same as our 2 children but I certainly don't see any differences in the way he treats her. He steps back when it should be her Dad doing something, for example parents evenings. But always steps up when he let's her down (sadly too often).
We are not the perfect family but it can work I would say don't think of your DP as a 'second daddy' but as someone who supports you in your role as mummy.

the fact that when you love your partner and you obviously adore your child - why is so weird to hope that one day they'll love eachother??

but you loving someone doesn’t necessarily triangulate.

It’s SO important to let them find their own relationship and have no pressure to feel any way at all about each other.

Yes OP you are right, it's very hard, and you haven't even moved in together. If you read the step parent board the vast majority of people wish that their step kids didn't exist. They also found their step kids much harder to live with once they had their own kids. Step parenting in particular is a very thankless task.

There’s the drip feed. They’ve always known the new bloke aaaages. Always there in the update.

OP there's nothing funny about CSA. When dating as a single mother you need to be alert and aware of the dangers unrelated (and sadly even related) men pose children. Paedophiles exist, they look just like everyone else.

Every single time. I don’t know anyone in real life who has a partner they knew ages and then suddenly started going out, well not over the age of 25.

I think I've learned a valuable lesson today.. be so, SO careful if you want to post on mumsnet. I suppose I have to take responsibility that of course, you can only read what I've put, you don't know me, my situation. I obviously have come across as a mega tw*t to receive this amount of judgement.

Instead of just hearing other's stories and learning about other's experiences, I'm defending myself and my actions against a tirade of judgements and assumptions. How much more do I need to add?

1. I can't believe I'm having to write this, but no, I would not allow a man into my son's life who didn't work, have his own home, have met his family, friends, colleagues.. As I say, I know him. And I suppose maybe I am "in the honeymoon phase" because he is a good man. As opposed to my DS's father, but that appears to be of no consequence. And so I can assure you he is financially viable, sane, not a threat, etc..

2. There's a lot here about money. Again, assumptions on my situation. I don't have to worry about money and that's not because of my DH. I had my own successful career before having children. And yes, my DH, as he left us, was fair.

But there have been some interesting responses here. And you're right, I think I have romanticized the situation - partly as my DS's father has been so average, partly because I want that happy family for my DS. So despite the many, many judgments, thank you for your responses.

Oh, and the person who referred to the situation as some creepy weirdo trying to find a vulnerable single mum to get access to their kids... again, wow. Just wow. It would be funny if it wasn't genuinely horrible.
It is horrible, but it does happen. It's no good being all offended about it.

Aside from that, I think you need to be careful that you don't rush things - I know there's the biological pressure of your age if you and your new bloke want to have children, but it's important that it doesn't push you into moving things on too soon.

We worked together 10 years ago and have known eachother since. Do you need proof or..? Jesus.

And you are a vulnerable single mother. You're not financially secure and that's a huge factor in you wanting to move this boyfriend in.

You sound very naive, it's far too soon to be moving in with a new bloke regardless of how long you've known them.
I knew someone for 25 years before I found out they liked little children🤮
Focus on your child and stop pushing this man on your DS at every opportunity.

What’s the rush then here OP? You’ve got it all going for you but you want to move him in after a year. Your son has spent a lot of time with him and seems disinterested in his existence. If he is so good and committed why no proposal before moving in to show you he is committed to you and your son? All people have said is take the rose tinted glasses off and slow down.

I could write realms on how much I love him and how I've gone through a LOT of frogs to get to him,

You went through a LOT of men in the 6 month between splitting from your DH and this current chap