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Original poster

He wants to rejoin church

84 replies

Ringrings · 06/02/2023 17:34

My boyfriend wants to rejoin the Jehovahs Witnesses after 23 years. He came with to me spiritualist church a few times but as soon as his mother found out he refused to come saying it was giving him bad luck. Now, I never told him to come to spiritualist church he wanted to come himself. There was no harm in the church just songs, philosophy and messages. His daughter's mother has rejoined and he spoke to her about it which I believe has been an influence.

He said last night he prayed to Jehovah and believes the Jehovah church is the way forward. Coincidentally this has all come about after his mother criticised the spiritualist church because she does not believe in or respect other faiths as she says they are bad spirits, it is like he is scared to stand up to her.

What he don't get is his bad luck is caused by his poor decision making and actions in life. I don't go to church much and if I do I don't expect all my problems to solve without putting in any effort just because I go to church. It's like he expect Jehovah to magically disappear his problems.

I just feel they are judging my faith when I have not said anything about his faith. His faith says that time is coming to an end and when he explained things it seemed a bit negative, I really hope if he goes it is more positive than that.

He only left Jehovah Witness because he wanted to smoke and drink which they don't believe in. He also had one night stands when he was single which they disagree with. It's like he thinks leaving gives him a free pass to indulge when once it is out of his system he rejoins.

I'm worried he will want to go every Sunday so he commits every Sunday to it which we can't go away for weekends then whereas I didnt go to church for 2 months to spend time with him and it was Christmas.

I know he spent most of his childhood after school preparing for talks at the church and reading JW books. Just hope he doesn't get stuck back to that as he missed having childhood and admitted that.

Anyone here in a relationship or marriage where you both have different faiths? If so, how do you manage differences?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ringrings · 07/02/2023 17:58

Ragwort · 07/02/2023 17:48

I appreciate you find it difficult to respect his beliefs but your main issue seems to be around not celebrating birthdays & Christmas together and having weekends away ....

He won't be able to do meditation anymore as it is associated with Buddhism. He practices Taoism too. I know if he goes back to being a JW evenings will be spent studying and preparing for church like his childhood. Then on weekend he will she his children and go to church. I am out of the picture.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 07/02/2023 18:02

It's OK to decide that you don't want to lbe with someone whose life revolves around a high-control, demanding religion which you don't share. You don't have to justify it to anyone.

I would walk away, personally. It sounds like a miserable way to live, and I absolutely couldn't respect a man who escaped a cult and then rejoined of his own accord.

OldFan · 07/02/2023 21:52

I appreciate you find it difficult to respect his beliefs but your main issue seems to be around not celebrating birthdays & Christmas together and having weekends away

@Ragwort OP is not devoutly religious so those are the sort of concerns she may have. Which is fine.

If a partner converts/reconverts to a religion it can be a shock to the system as on one level they're no longer the person you fell in love with.

The not celebrating Christmas, birthdays etc I imagine seems worse if someone is imagining raising children, as those are things children tend to enjoy.

Holidays are also fun.

There's nothing wrong with valuing fun and pleasure.

I'm glad that my religion 'bans' a lot of things but not those ones. Grin

cabbageking · 07/02/2023 21:55

I am not defending it. I am addressing the inaccuracies of various statements.
They can not drink. Yes they can.
They cut you off for wanting a divorce for adultery. Divorce for adultery is allowed.
They cut you off for mixed relationships, they do not.
They cut you off for leaving, they do not.
They ask you to shun your friends who are not JW, they do not.
They are a cult. They are accepted as a Christian faith same as the C of E.

Yes it has lots that I do not agree with but let us get the argument right for the lady posting for advice. I don't care what your sexuality is but you are given choices and information to lay out the expectations that you can accept or not.

The information and standards don't appear one day out of the blue. Those being disfellowshipped know the consequences and will be counseled and helped before any decision to disfellow is made.

Bepis · 07/02/2023 21:56

I'm a Jehovahs Witness but my husband isn't. We both respect each others views and beliefs and he understands that my religion is very important to me. It works so long as you give each other their own freedom to believe what they wish.

GoldDuster · 07/02/2023 22:04

I think that putting differences in religious beliefs aside, anyone you are describing as afraid to stand up to his mother, and posessing poor decision making and actions, is probably not the partner for you longer term.

Whether he goes back into the fold or not, and despite what his mother thinks of your church of choice. Probably not the man for you.

OldFan · 07/02/2023 22:12

They cut you off for leaving, they do not.

@cabbageking Many people who leave have said that they've been shunned.

They are a cult. They are accepted as a Christian faith same as the C of E.

Accepted by some, not by many others.

@Ringrings I had a partner who converted to a different religion, I was disappointed as I was attracted to his previous spirituality. I also had another partner who gave up our then spiritual path. That was a real shame to me as it was a massive part of what attracted me to him.

So whether it's that you think life with a JW doesn't sound as pleasurable, and/or you will miss what he had of a more alternative spirituality, I can completely understand. x

DarkNurseries · 07/02/2023 22:22

From my POV, you’re both involved in pernicious, extraordinarily stupid cults, and your only issue with him rejoining his is it wrecking your weekend plans and Christmas and birthday celebrations. But as pps have said, you don’t seem to like him very much, far less love him, so why put any thought into this?

Original poster
Ringrings · 07/02/2023 22:40

OldFan · 07/02/2023 22:12

They cut you off for leaving, they do not.

@cabbageking Many people who leave have said that they've been shunned.

They are a cult. They are accepted as a Christian faith same as the C of E.

Accepted by some, not by many others.

@Ringrings I had a partner who converted to a different religion, I was disappointed as I was attracted to his previous spirituality. I also had another partner who gave up our then spiritual path. That was a real shame to me as it was a massive part of what attracted me to him.

So whether it's that you think life with a JW doesn't sound as pleasurable, and/or you will miss what he had of a more alternative spirituality, I can completely understand. x

Exactly, he is now showing his true colours by changing which means he lied and duped me to get me. It's like a couple both liking 80s music, travelling and playing golf then one day the one turns their back on everything they ever shared together so now they have nothing in common.

He has backtracked today saying he probably won't rejoin for a long time as he is not in the right place. Which means he still will at some point. He saw a therapist today so I don't know if that has had some influence on his decision.

OP posts:
TeamRR · 07/02/2023 23:08

cabbageking · 07/02/2023 21:55

I am not defending it. I am addressing the inaccuracies of various statements.
They can not drink. Yes they can.
They cut you off for wanting a divorce for adultery. Divorce for adultery is allowed.
They cut you off for mixed relationships, they do not.
They cut you off for leaving, they do not.
They ask you to shun your friends who are not JW, they do not.
They are a cult. They are accepted as a Christian faith same as the C of E.

Yes it has lots that I do not agree with but let us get the argument right for the lady posting for advice. I don't care what your sexuality is but you are given choices and information to lay out the expectations that you can accept or not.

The information and standards don't appear one day out of the blue. Those being disfellowshipped know the consequences and will be counseled and helped before any decision to disfellow is made.

It looks to me like you're defending it.

They are a cult. They are accepted as a Christian faith same as the C of E.
The CofE do not tell its members to shun friends and family.

I don't care what your sexuality is but you are given choices and information to lay out the expectations that you can accept or not.
People may be baptised as children and teenagers who may not yet know they are gay, are be willing to tell their parents. Some people do not realise they're gay until later in life. In any case, shunning your own family for their sexuality is fucking disgusting under any circumstances.

OldFan · 07/02/2023 23:29

Exactly, he is now showing his true colours by changing which means he lied and duped me to get me.

@Ringrings I don't think he duped you about his spirituality (though I could be wrong), I think he might've been genuine but now he's changed. But if he's been brought up in a certain way, sometimes it's part of how their personality is made, and they find it hard to get away from entirely.

I'm glad he's getting therapy.

This might be controversial but I don't think he's very masculine IYSWIM?

Is there anything left that you respect about him? (to me that's a big part of what I look for in a man.)

The mummys-boy-ness and the not knowing his own mind I would find unattractive.

His comments also leave you on tenterhooks as you don't know when (if ever) he'll convert etc.

Tuilpmouse · 07/02/2023 23:37

It's not JW beliefs that's the real issue. Their beliefs are a variant on mainstream Christian beliefs, and in that sense they're no better or worse than any other denomination.... BUT the massive issue is it's exclusivity, and the fact you are shunned from contact, even close family, if you leave. In that regard it's a dangerous, controlling cult.

Tuilpmouse · 07/02/2023 23:44

@cabbageking

I've no idea where you get the idea that shunning of people who leave JWs isn't pretty standard practice.

TheShellBeach · 07/02/2023 23:52

So you're both in cult-like churches.

TheShellBeach · 07/02/2023 23:53

Ringrings · 07/02/2023 11:29

I agree, that's why I stopped going as lots of the people were low or bitchy. The mediums were guessing and changing their answers.

Show quote history

Ha ha ha ha.
All mediums do this.
They're all liars.

Remaker · 08/02/2023 00:09

I know a lot of people who are in a relationship with someone from another religion. I think JW would be one of the more difficult ones. A family member has one parent who is JW and the other who is not, they had an absolutely miserable childhood being dragged around trying to convert people and not allowed to celebrate their birthday or Christmas like their friends and extended family. These days the parents are grandparents and when they go to visit their kids, if one of the GC has a birthday the JW GP shuts themselves in a bedroom for the entire day so they can’t be accused of celebrating the birthday. One of the children of the family had an affair and the JW parent readily said if the child had been a member of the JW church they would have been obliged to shun them and cut them out of their life for being immoral. But because they aren’t a JW then it’s fine apparently. Such a weird religion.

OP it doesn’t really sound as if you like him that much. I think I would just end it and look for someone you are moe compatible with.

Mossstitch · 08/02/2023 00:15

Tuilpmouse · 07/02/2023 23:44

@cabbageking

I've no idea where you get the idea that shunning of people who leave JWs isn't pretty standard practice.

Agree! I was brought up in it and wasn't allowed 'worldly' friends, ie anybody who wasn't a JW. Unfortunately I married in it and was a long time before I managed to escape (both religion and marriage). I have never done anything wrong so not disfellowshipped but I lost the whole circle of friends. They do 'shun' you. A little ironic when you know some of the things that go on inside the religion that really are wrong from its point of view but (usually men) seem to get away with it. It is a very misogynistic religion.

smileladiesplease · 08/02/2023 00:28

JW is a cult to be avoided like the plague.

TheShellBeach · 08/02/2023 15:24

smileladiesplease · 08/02/2023 00:28

JW is a cult to be avoided like the plague.

As is spiritualism.

Redebs · 08/02/2023 15:36

A lot of people get more religious as they get older, despite getting up to all sorts of stuff in their youth.
Churches, mosques and synagogues are full of grumpy, bearded older guys laying down the law to everyone else 😉

I'm not sure you are going to have much of a future together if he indulges himself in all the superstition and hypocrisy he appears to be wallowing in, unless that kind of thing appeals to you too.

Bepis · 08/02/2023 15:49

Despite what people have said on here, speaking from experience, there are many marriages that work where one is a JW and the other isn't.

strawberry2017 · 08/02/2023 18:03

I just think I would struggle to accept a religion where they would rather see a family member die then give them a blood transfusion.

OldFan · 08/02/2023 18:25

Despite what people have said on here, speaking from experience, there are many marriages that work where one is a JW and the other isn't.

Yep, it probably is more of an issue to navigate if they have kids, deciding how they're going to bring them up etc. Also as most Christians feel it important to celebrate Christmas as in the birth of Christ. But I suppose each person in a couple can do their own thing unless one is controlling.

Not everyone would be impressed by a partner being/becoming/reverting to a particular religion though, depending if they find certain things attractive or unattractive spiritually. It definitely would be most attractive to me if I had a partner who shared my denomination.

A lot of people get more religious as they get older, despite getting up to all sorts of stuff in their youth.

For sure.

Churches, mosques and synagogues are full of grumpy, bearded older guys laying down the law to everyone else

They might be in charge but congregations tend to have a higher proportion of women.

Nagado · 08/02/2023 18:29

The thing is, both of you are drawn to faiths that your average, every day person considers to be a little bit... bonkers. And that’s fine if that’s what you believe in, but those beliefs are so entirely at odds with each other that it would make living together and having a relationship next to impossible unless you were like the people above in mixed marriages, where each of you have a great deal of tolerance for the other’s faith and neither of you have any external pressures. Your posts don’t sound like either of you are in that situation.

Bepis · 08/02/2023 18:59

Nagado · 08/02/2023 18:29

The thing is, both of you are drawn to faiths that your average, every day person considers to be a little bit... bonkers. And that’s fine if that’s what you believe in, but those beliefs are so entirely at odds with each other that it would make living together and having a relationship next to impossible unless you were like the people above in mixed marriages, where each of you have a great deal of tolerance for the other’s faith and neither of you have any external pressures. Your posts don’t sound like either of you are in that situation.

This is very true. In my case, my DH is not at all religious which is perhaps why it works. He has no beliefs really. The only thing we conflict on is the discussion of evolution v creation but we have a laugh about it. We respect each others viewpoints.

I think the relationship would be very difficult to continue for OP. I'm not sure if she is aware but if he does go back to the religion, he won't be able to have premarital sex or live with you (if he wants to be fully in the religion, as in baptised etc). You essentially wouldn't be able to live together until you were married.