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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Weekend away - unreasonable?

69 replies

NotEspeciallyHappyValley · 06/02/2023 11:21

I wanted to gauge option and get some advice as to how to proceed
DW has never really liked being in the house alone - especially as weekends. She just doesn’t really like her own company. She has quite bad anxiety about something/anything going wrong. If I do go out for a day she’ll often refer to her being abandoned.

Now I actually like a bit of time to myself and don’t mind at all when she goes away for a few days or whatever with friends or family. She’s a teacher so will often go away in the holidays when I don’t have as much leave.
The problem is it’s starting to bug me that I can only go away when she’s already made plans. My hobby is rock climbing and for the last few years my friend has been bugging me for a trip to Wales - there some classic climbs we’d like to do. But DW is not happy with me going away so it hasn’t happened. It’s starting to frustrate me. It’s starting to make me resent her a little if I’m honest

Is it unreasonable for a man to go away with his mate once every few years? We have one 14yr DD so it’s not like childcare is an issue. How do I broach this and how do we help with the anxiety and feelings of being left out?

OP posts:
SuburbanMummy123 · 06/02/2023 11:27

Hmm that does sound frustrating. Can you help her arrange some days out with friends/family while you’re away?

Amethyst6 · 06/02/2023 11:27

Might be an unpopular opinion but your wife refering to being abandoned sounds manipulative. Someone with genuine anxiety over being left alone wouldn't try to guilt you. They would be more reasonable. I know this because I have genuine anxiety especially being left alone at night but I know there are times when I have to be alone.
It's not unreasonable to want to go away the odd time without your wife.

Amethyst6 · 06/02/2023 11:30

Also if anxiety is getting too much for her she should seek therapy. It's not realistic for you to be there 24/7.

Monstermoomin · 06/02/2023 11:30

I don't think that sounds fair at all. If she has a genuine problem with her anxiety then it is time she access some support for it and not rely on you having to sacrifice everything so she feels okay.

It's very unfair if she goes off for trips with family and friends and you're just left without the same opportunities.

Not to try to cause drama, but if this was the other way round and a woman was being prevented from going away because her partner/husband was saying they were too anxious to be left alone, I believe the responses towards the husband would not be as kind and would be accused of all sorts!

I think speaking with her openly about it all and planning how these things can change is important. Otherwise that resentment will build into unhappiness in the relationship.

Original poster
NotEspeciallyHappyValley · 06/02/2023 11:31

I see all the posts about useless men who abandon their families all the time so wanted to check I wasnt one of them!

Shes suggested we compromise and I go for just the day but that won’t work in terms of getting there and back and climbing

I don’t think she’s manipulative. Far from it. She just doesn’t like it

OP posts:
Jewelanemone · 06/02/2023 11:33

Can she go with you and do something else during the time that you're climbing?

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 06/02/2023 11:35

She sounds selfish, and whether she means to be or not, it is manipulative behaviour.
Encourage her to plan something for herself to coincide with the weekend you want to get away.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2023 11:36

Of course she’s manipulative. She doesn’t consider trips away as abandoning you or DD. She’s a hypocrite and using her supposed anxiety as a way to restrict your social life. Stop pandering to it.

Amethyst6 · 06/02/2023 11:36

@NotEspeciallyHappyValley Well speaking as a woman, I do think it's manipulative and very unfair to guilt you. I know 1 or 2 womem like this in real life and they do it to try and gain more control/leverage and they literally run rings around their partner. Like another poster said if this was the other way around and a woman was being prevented it would be seen as controlling.

Cosycover · 06/02/2023 11:37

It does sound manipulative though.

She isn't anxious enough to go away on her own but gets anxious if you go away?

dontputitthere · 06/02/2023 11:38

How is she when she goes away? Is she still anxious?

My friend has anxiety and struggles when we go away and she is apart from her partner as she still finds it hard.

Just feels a bit one sided if she can go away but you can't?

I understand the anxiety but ultimately she needs to deal with it to help her cope. Not expect everyone else to alter their lives for her.

Mirroredlove · 06/02/2023 11:38

Do you do weekends away with your wife too?

if so then she is being unreasonable. If you don’t then I can see why she feels abandoned a bit.

Justcallmebebes · 06/02/2023 11:41

It is manipulative behaviour though. Would your 14 year old not be adequate company if you went away overnight?

DestinysGrandchild · 06/02/2023 11:41

Can she go and stay with family or friends for the weekend? Or come with you but find something else to do while she's there?

I don't think you should have to miss out. If it was every weekend, fair enough but it seems like you don't ever do anything. A

Lcb123 · 06/02/2023 11:45

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Particularly if she's going away without you. Can you arrange yours, then suggest she arranges something herself like go to family or friends? I'm not sure how she's being 'abandoned' in the house when surely 14YO is there to. or she could invite a friend or family to stay.

meetmeatmidnights · 06/02/2023 11:46

Mirroredlove · 06/02/2023 11:38

Do you do weekends away with your wife too?

if so then she is being unreasonable. If you don’t then I can see why she feels abandoned a bit.

Eh? You can see why she feels abandoned? She goes away with friends and family for a few days and he doesn't get to - surely he should be feeling abandoned not her! Regardless of what they do together.

You need to go and do it - for your own sanity! Your DW needs to figure out coping mechanisms and stop emotionally manipulating you.

SheilaFentiman · 06/02/2023 11:46

Yanbu, OP.

i have anxiety and DH being away would make me anxious, as I feel he is safety (hence I feel ok to be away as the children are safe with him)

however, I would see that I am being unfair and would try to either (a) grit my teeth and get through it (b) come with you or (c) have a friend to stay.

HyggeTygge · 06/02/2023 11:47

That is rubbish - I kind of understand how she feels (I don't feel like that myself but do get it) but she can't keep you at home all the time for this. Can she arrange for a friend to stay while you're away? Get a takeaway etc?

AndNowIKnowWhatHappened · 06/02/2023 11:56

YANBU - she sounds manipulative and unkind.
Does she get help for her anxiety?

CalistoNoSolo · 06/02/2023 12:10

She sounds dreadful, I couldn't live with someone as suffocating and unfair as that. Tell her she needs to suck it up and sort herself out.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/02/2023 12:14

This is her problem to fix - not yours. Book your weekends away, and inform her of them.

If she has anxiety or other issues which are directly affecting your freedoms, and completely reasonable desires to take the odd trip away without her, then she needs to seek a way to work through this.

Simply controlling your freedoms is absoloutley not the right response.

Oblomov23 · 06/02/2023 12:15

Sounds like severe anxiety but also manipulative. Make her see her GP.

MarieRoseMarie · 06/02/2023 12:19

The problem with one partner pandering to another partner’s anxiety is that the pandering partner feels very noble (and probably on some level enjoys being needed that much) … until they don’t. And then suddenly the person with a mental health issue has to change very quickly or ultimatums happen!

unless you are absolutely 100% certain that this is never going to bother you enough to leave your wife or endanger your marriage then you have a responsibility to do something about it.

billy1966 · 06/02/2023 12:21

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/02/2023 12:14

This is her problem to fix - not yours. Book your weekends away, and inform her of them.

If she has anxiety or other issues which are directly affecting your freedoms, and completely reasonable desires to take the odd trip away without her, then she needs to seek a way to work through this.

Simply controlling your freedoms is absoloutley not the right response.

This.

You need to push back hard on this, it has gone on far too long.

Your relationship is not healthy and I would actually be rethinking it.

She is very controlling and that is abuse in my book.

If I were you I would be telling her that you are actually thinking that some time apart for YOU to think, is what is necessary, due to HER controlling behaviour.

She doesn't get to opt out of healthy behaviour and get to control you due to HER issue.

3LittleFishes · 06/02/2023 12:21

Definitely go climbing with your friend!
How dare she have weekends away with friends and family but deny you the same opportunity? Can you see how twisted that is OP?
Whether she is intentionally manipulative or not she is 100% manipulating you to do exactly as she wants.