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Original poster

Weekend away - unreasonable?

69 replies

NotEspeciallyHappyValley · 06/02/2023 11:21

I wanted to gauge option and get some advice as to how to proceed
DW has never really liked being in the house alone - especially as weekends. She just doesn’t really like her own company. She has quite bad anxiety about something/anything going wrong. If I do go out for a day she’ll often refer to her being abandoned.

Now I actually like a bit of time to myself and don’t mind at all when she goes away for a few days or whatever with friends or family. She’s a teacher so will often go away in the holidays when I don’t have as much leave.
The problem is it’s starting to bug me that I can only go away when she’s already made plans. My hobby is rock climbing and for the last few years my friend has been bugging me for a trip to Wales - there some classic climbs we’d like to do. But DW is not happy with me going away so it hasn’t happened. It’s starting to frustrate me. It’s starting to make me resent her a little if I’m honest

Is it unreasonable for a man to go away with his mate once every few years? We have one 14yr DD so it’s not like childcare is an issue. How do I broach this and how do we help with the anxiety and feelings of being left out?

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2023 12:23

Jewelanemone · 06/02/2023 11:33

Can she go with you and do something else during the time that you're climbing?

No, why should he take her?
A man would be getting accused of being controlling if the positions were reversed.
If this woman can’t cope with being at home without her H she needs to seek help or if she can but just doesn’t want to then it’s tough

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/02/2023 12:25

If she were my wife she'd have to get used to being alone in the house fast as I'd be on a one way train to divorce town.

Deathbyfluffy · 06/02/2023 12:27

Monstermoomin · 06/02/2023 11:30

I don't think that sounds fair at all. If she has a genuine problem with her anxiety then it is time she access some support for it and not rely on you having to sacrifice everything so she feels okay.

It's very unfair if she goes off for trips with family and friends and you're just left without the same opportunities.

Not to try to cause drama, but if this was the other way round and a woman was being prevented from going away because her partner/husband was saying they were too anxious to be left alone, I believe the responses towards the husband would not be as kind and would be accused of all sorts!

I think speaking with her openly about it all and planning how these things can change is important. Otherwise that resentment will build into unhappiness in the relationship.

That's pretty standard around Mumsnet - 90% of threads would get different responses if the other sex posted them.
Not saying all posters are guilty of this, but there's a certain bunch with an 'all men bad, all women good' mentality going on!

Chesneyhawkes1 · 06/02/2023 12:29

Go on your trip with your friend. She'll be fine. She manages her trips away with her anxiety doesn't she.

Funny how it only stops you having fun and doing things ...

Christmaspyjamas · 06/02/2023 12:32

The problem i always see on here is when someone says x situation has been going on for years but I don't like it and want it to change.

It is really hard verging on impossible to change the parameters of a relationship like this after years.

She sounds a complete pain but rather than try to get her to be reasonable can you bribe her or do a deal whereby she gets something she wants in exchange for not only allowing you to go but behaving like an adult about it?

I think that's the only way to change ingrained behaviour and attitudes like this (and both parties are to blame).

MichelleScarn · 06/02/2023 12:40

Of course she is manipulative, just because someone may have anxiety doesn't stop them being manipulative or make their behaviour ok.
Absolutely go on your climbing trip!

Cornishclio · 06/02/2023 12:42

She is being unfair and I would book your trip. I often go away on walking weekends or theatre trips as my DH not keen and he does model railway weekends with his mates. We don't suffer with anxiety though and both like our own company. She needs to address that either with therapy or getting used to it or she can ask a friend etc to stay. Won't your 14 year old DD be there? Surely she will be company for her so she won't be alone although I hesitate to say that responsibility should fall to your DD.

MichelleScarn · 06/02/2023 12:43

Christmaspyjamas · 06/02/2023 12:32

The problem i always see on here is when someone says x situation has been going on for years but I don't like it and want it to change.

It is really hard verging on impossible to change the parameters of a relationship like this after years.

I think that's the only way to change ingrained behaviour and attitudes like this (and both parties are to blame).

Do you not think the fact she trips off for weekends away with family and friends on her own is enough? @NotEspeciallyHappyValley shouldn't have to bribe her to be 'allowed' the same!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/02/2023 12:44

TALK TO HER.
Find a few suitable dates for the climbing and then sit down and see what dates suit both of you. There may be a date when you can both go. If there's enough time she can program it in. You could at the same time plan a weekend break for all three of you. That would be give and take. Or get her ideas of when she's away and you can do climbing. You've said she often goes away. You know when the term times are and teachers usually have to plan ahead for school holidays. You must have some annual leave around that time.

I think the problem could well be short notice but also reasonable communication. You've "sacrificed" too many times and now you resent her, but you should both find a way to ensure that it isn't a "sacrifice" for either side going forward.

merlotlover · 06/02/2023 12:47

I have anxiety but I am cool about my other half going away. I am a bit over cautious while he's away, chair behind door etc, don't sleep as well but I've never keep him from going. I do ask he keeps his phone on - just in case - fingers crossed I've never needed to phone him it's just the thought he's there if I need him. I think she sounds a bit manipulative really and it's not fair that she can go away but you can't.

Beamur · 06/02/2023 12:51

My DH climbs. I am frequently abandoned...
Your request is not unreasonable.
Does your DD not count as company? Your DW is not alone. My DD is a similar age and we quite enjoy DH's climbing trips as our time together.
If your wife is not joking when she says she feels abandoned, that's not ok. She needs some therapy to help with that.
One of the ways to approach anxiety is not to constantly appease it. Part of CBT is learning to correctly assess risk around anxiety.
Climbing is a tricky one though as it can be perceived as very dangerous. Is she bothered by you climbing or is it all about your absence?

GoodChat · 06/02/2023 12:53

You need to just book it and go. You can't spend your life adapting to her or expecting your friends to adapt to her.

Why is her going away not her abandoning you?

Quitelikeit · 06/02/2023 12:54

When our issues start to impact on our loved ones we have a responsibility to seek out help if we cannot sort ourself out.

Your wife is suffering from some sort of anxiety and that is also impacting you. It will continue to do so unless you make a stand and insist your wife visits her Gp or a therapist to talk about her anxiety.

Id book that trip to Wales and tell her that between now and then she needs to have took some action to rectify things. She will be able to access free counselling via her employer as they all offer schemes if she’s employed by the local authority

MichelleScarn · 06/02/2023 13:00

Honestly can't believe some people are advocating that op needs to arrange his weekends away with friends with wife's approval or take her along, but she's fine to keep going away with her friends when she wants?

PacificallyRequested · 06/02/2023 13:00

She sounds absolutely pathetic. An adult woman who can't/won't stay alone in her own home? Book your trip. The worst that can happen is she doesn't sleep much while you're away. It won't kill her.

Christmaspyjamas · 06/02/2023 13:27

MichelleScarn · 06/02/2023 12:43

Do you not think the fact she trips off for weekends away with family and friends on her own is enough? @NotEspeciallyHappyValley shouldn't have to bribe her to be 'allowed' the same!

Show quote history

Oh I completely agree. But I don't think OP is going to leave her or put his foot down so trying to be pragmatic.

Ellie1015 · 06/02/2023 13:52

Give her plenty of notice so she can plan to keep herself busy or whatever she needs to do to manage but definitely go.

Calphurnia88 · 06/02/2023 14:55

Is it unreasonable for a man to go away with his mate once every few years?

Of course not.

I might be projecting here (although judging from PP responses maybe not), but your wife sounds controlling and manipulative.

This isn't healthy. At all.

JJ8765 · 06/02/2023 15:21

My teen son had a gf like this her anxiety required him give up his friends and hobbies apparently. He saw the light. It is abuse. If it was your daughter compromising her life for a boy you would consider it abuse. Go not just for yourself but for the message it sends your daughter. I know adult women who behave like this and they have created highly anxious children with MH problems. It’s not your job to fix your wife. Support her to get help. Teach your daughter life is for living adventurously and what good boundaries look like.

skippy67 · 06/02/2023 16:45

Mirroredlove · 06/02/2023 11:38

Do you do weekends away with your wife too?

if so then she is being unreasonable. If you don’t then I can see why she feels abandoned a bit.

Eh?
The wife is being very manipulative. I'm amazed you can't see that.
OP, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting a weekend away to do your hobby. Please don't let your wife's ridiculous behaviour stop you from enjoying your leisure time.

skippy67 · 06/02/2023 16:49

TALK TO HER.
Find a few suitable dates for the climbing and then sit down and see what dates suit both of you. There may be a date when you can both go.

Bloody hell.

Cornelious2011 · 06/02/2023 16:52

Your dw needs to seek support for her anxiety. How she is reacting is not normal.

WFHbore2023 · 06/02/2023 16:55

Oh shit, my partner has just left me today for a week away with friends.

Have me and my children be abandoned?! 😫

On a serious note, no - yanbu and she's not being cool at all.

I would be a bit more understanding if her anxiety made it so that she also didn't like being away.

If she doesn't like to be home alone perhaps she can organise a weekend away with her friends when you are busy.

It's her place to sort this out, not yours

Harlow19 · 06/02/2023 17:01

I’m writing this as someone who gets anxiety when DH goes away for the evening or weekend because I hate being home alone and struggle to sleep (despite being an adult I swear every noise is someone breaking in haha)…

GO! Your wife can’t keep stopping you because she’s anxious. I hate it but I would never tell DH he can’t go away with his friends. You are not being unreasonable, I can imagine it would be frustrating for DH if I told him no

Cheesandcrackers · 06/02/2023 17:03

Just go. You ll be on egg shells at the start but I bet you ll forget about it half way up a mountain. It s probably some insecurity on her side but she is the only one that can do anything about it. Make a list of climbing stuff so your nerves don't make u forget something...

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