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Original poster

Weekend away - unreasonable?

69 replies

NotEspeciallyHappyValley · 06/02/2023 11:21

I wanted to gauge option and get some advice as to how to proceed
DW has never really liked being in the house alone - especially as weekends. She just doesn’t really like her own company. She has quite bad anxiety about something/anything going wrong. If I do go out for a day she’ll often refer to her being abandoned.

Now I actually like a bit of time to myself and don’t mind at all when she goes away for a few days or whatever with friends or family. She’s a teacher so will often go away in the holidays when I don’t have as much leave.
The problem is it’s starting to bug me that I can only go away when she’s already made plans. My hobby is rock climbing and for the last few years my friend has been bugging me for a trip to Wales - there some classic climbs we’d like to do. But DW is not happy with me going away so it hasn’t happened. It’s starting to frustrate me. It’s starting to make me resent her a little if I’m honest

Is it unreasonable for a man to go away with his mate once every few years? We have one 14yr DD so it’s not like childcare is an issue. How do I broach this and how do we help with the anxiety and feelings of being left out?

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 06/02/2023 17:05

YANBU at all. Both of us have separate weeks/weekends away for our hobbies or to see friends. Sometimes the dates coincide, and sometimes they don't. You are two independent adults and you really don't need to be joined at the hip. Your wife needs to learn to like her own company, or how will she cope if you predecease her?

RoseThornside · 06/02/2023 17:09

But your 14 year old will be with her! This is ridiculous. You must go.

marly24 · 06/02/2023 17:17

I would suggest saying that you will do, say, two weekends a year and give her 4 months notice say, so that she can organise something else she is doing with your DC or have someone to stay or whatever. Definitely not reasonable, on the basis of anxiety, if you have an older DC. Then try to enjoy it without submitting to guilt or anxious phone calls. Sometimes people in this situation end up giving up because such a fuss is caused and then being filled with resentment which eats away at your relationship. You could also say you are doing this for you but also for your relationship - you don't want to have to treat a partner like a child and be in to look after them all the time!

DrMarciaFieldstone · 06/02/2023 17:20

It’s selfishness labelled as anxiety to manipulate you into feeling bad. If she has anxiety, she needs to seek help for it, not ask you to stop doing things to mitigate her anxiety.

rookiemere · 06/02/2023 17:24

It sounds awful OP, and what is particularly bad is she manages to go away with her friends, but won't give you the courtesy of doing the same.

You need to have a calm conversation with her and explain that she needs to find a way to get through this and it's not fair or normal on you.

Tron80 · 06/02/2023 17:43

Has anything happened in the past OP where you have gone away overnight and her trust has been broken, however innocently? Is there anything else happening now , apart from being alone overnight, that may be making her anxious?

In your post you say your wife worries about something going wrong, such as?

If not, then it does strike me as controlling , unless there have been a spate of crimes and boiler malfunctions where you live. If it really is just down to anxiety then your DW will need to get help with this, personally I would find that kind of restriction suffocating and suggest you should go overnight.

MichelleScarn · 06/02/2023 17:47

marly24 · 06/02/2023 17:17

I would suggest saying that you will do, say, two weekends a year and give her 4 months notice say, so that she can organise something else she is doing with your DC or have someone to stay or whatever. Definitely not reasonable, on the basis of anxiety, if you have an older DC. Then try to enjoy it without submitting to guilt or anxious phone calls. Sometimes people in this situation end up giving up because such a fuss is caused and then being filled with resentment which eats away at your relationship. You could also say you are doing this for you but also for your relationship - you don't want to have to treat a partner like a child and be in to look after them all the time!

And should the wife do the same? Plan to see friends and family on only 2 weekends a year and give OP 4 months notice if she wants to go on her breaks?

Tron80 · 06/02/2023 18:07

"Now I actually like a bit of time to myself and don’t mind at all when she goes away for a few days or whatever with friends or family. She’s a teacher so will often go away in the holidays when I don’t have as much leave".

Does your DW take your DD with her when she goes away? If you have time to self, she must do. How do you spend your time to yourself when she is away? Do you ever have your DD and DW goes away alone?

Your DD is 14 so childcare kind of is still an issue. I suspect there is more to this, particularly given your username.

Tron80 · 06/02/2023 18:24

"She’s a teacher so will often go away in the holidays when I don’t have as much leave".

I work in a school and sch holidays are actually the only kind of leave /holidays we get. I do not think she is being unreasonable there. You don't have much leave but have some to take?

Original poster
NotEspeciallyHappyValley · 06/02/2023 18:29

Sometimes she goes with DD - sometimes with her friends. I wouldn’t take DD away with me alone much because my wife would be unhappy at being alone. I am more than happy to have more time with DD - although as a typical teenager I might not be her idea of fun

What I mean about school holidays is that of my AL I can’t take it all in holidays, we share it amongst the team. So this half term coming up I’m working and they’re off. They’re planning on going visiting some friends for some of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotEspeciallyHappyValley · 06/02/2023 18:31

It also means that I have some leave that I can’t take in school holidays. If I don’t take it I’ll lose it. Most of it covers various things we need but it does mean I can take a day or two off when DW and DD are at school

OP posts:
rookiemere · 06/02/2023 18:47

So having seen the responses are mostly saying your DW is being unreasonable, what are you going to do ?

TiaI · 06/02/2023 18:51

Book the holiday with your friend and book an appointment with the Gp for her anxiety. This is not fair on you

Tron80 · 06/02/2023 18:57

Op, you are entitled to time away., as is DW. I assume your DW has never had cause to question that. If she is anxious alone and no underlying cause, ( prev extra marital, trust issue's, exhaustion, work burn out ) then you should have freedoms to go away, within what is reasonable within a marriage and household responsibilities. If case, your DW should seek help for what may be genuine anxiety issues.

"I am more than happy to have more time with DD - although as a typical teenager I might not be her idea of fun".

You can absolutely be her idea of fun, you are her Dad. Ice skating, bowling, pizza out, cinema, shopping trips, Center Parcs weekend, Taking her and her friends out for day, a show. Cycling, You and DD time , mum gets alone time. Also, Mum may like a weekend away with Dad somewhere nice, if anyone avail to look after DD. You seem to be living very separate lives under the guise of sch holidays. Yes, term time only can be prohibitive and yes, you should be able to go rock climbing overnight and you must. But, it must all be equal and with kindness, I am not sure you see that.

skippy67 · 06/02/2023 19:22

marly24 · 06/02/2023 17:17

I would suggest saying that you will do, say, two weekends a year and give her 4 months notice say, so that she can organise something else she is doing with your DC or have someone to stay or whatever. Definitely not reasonable, on the basis of anxiety, if you have an older DC. Then try to enjoy it without submitting to guilt or anxious phone calls. Sometimes people in this situation end up giving up because such a fuss is caused and then being filled with resentment which eats away at your relationship. You could also say you are doing this for you but also for your relationship - you don't want to have to treat a partner like a child and be in to look after them all the time!

Ridiculous.
OP don't pander to your wife's selfishness.

ChatInMyFlat · 06/02/2023 19:41

She is being totally unreasonable. Tell her you are going.

HeyBearILoveYou · 06/02/2023 20:38

She has her 14yo with her. She's not even alone! Abandoned indeed.

Everybody deserves some time to themselves and she's being ridiculous- it's a weekend.

Zanatdy · 06/02/2023 20:48

Can’t she arrange for a friend or family member to come over. Very unfair she’s banned you from having a life, this isn’t how relationships should be. You should be free to go away every so often and she can arrange something for herself if she’s afraid to stay alone. It’s wrong of her to just say you can’t go, very wrong

addictedtotheflats · 06/02/2023 22:18

Very unreasonable. I hate being in the house alone but thats too much of a double standard. Shes needs to let you go.

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