He seems angry that I finally left him

[Coffeeandanap]

Hi all, posting for other’s opinions and experiences.
I was with my husband for over 15 years but left recently due to repeated cheating. He couldn’t promise me it wouldn’t happen again and I decided I couldn’t live with that, the constant checking/waiting for signs it was happening again, destroyed intimacy etc just made it a life I didn’t want anymore.
Since I’ve left we have to see each other to swap childcare and he’s so cold with me when I do see him. I find it bizarre, he acts like the wounded party, as though I’m the one who cheated and broke the marriage up. I treat him the way I would treat anyone, polite & smiley but not overly familiar or anything which would send a signal that it’s anything more than a polite friendly social interaction.
have others experienced this? I had hoped that despite everything we could be amicable and still do some things together as a family for the children but it feels so frosty that I don’t see that happening anymore. I’d rather not have the children see/feel an atmosphere when up until me leaving it was all civil. I just don’t get his reaction, why is he angry with me and not himself?

You've hurt his pride let him get on with it. Learn about grey rock method.

I don't think it's anger, I think it's contempt.

He treated you with contempt and a lack of respect during your marriage. He's possibly a little annoyed that you called time on the relationship now when you hadn't previously because its disrupted his life and he doesnt like that but if he didn't respect and was contemptuous of you then, he isn't going to be otherwise now. He just doesn't have to pretend anymore for the roof over his head, meals on the table and clean laundry.

He possibly also sees your amicability towards him as a sign of weakness and lack of self respect because he knows how he's treated you and how he feels towards you and now you're still being nice to him.

Bluntly, if he has no positive feelings towards you, he isn't going to behave like he does. He isn't interested in maintain a facade for your benefit. I'd drop the smiley friendliness if I were you. You don't need to treat him like you'd treat everyone else because he isn't everyone else.

I know this all sounds harsh but you need to move on and stop giving headspace to what he's thinking and doing.

Well done for finishing it @Coffeeandanap

I don't know if it's part of the "script" but my ex was the same. Multiple affairs then I finished it. When we split everything he put all my furniture onto the front lawn and treated me like I was the guilty party.

The only reassurance I can give is that while it hurts, you know the truth and he is deflecting.

You may in time have the relationship you seek but it might be a while.

Everyone is the hero in their own story, he can't be wrong so you must be.

This is very wise

Thank you, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I didn’t see it but I think it is contempt. I wouldn’t choose him as a friend but had tried to keep it friendly for the kids, I think I have to learn the grey rock as pp suggested and just distance myself as much as possible. I think I didn’t want to think so negatively of someone who I have children with, but you’re completely right

Thank you, I will be saving that one

“still do some things together as a family for the children”

it is way, way too soon for this. Even if it was more amicable. Pick a time period and put this out of your head until then. Six months, maybe. Then think “do I want this, are we ready?” If not, back in the box with it for 6 months.

Who cares what he thinks ? 🤷‍♀️

People who constantly cheat are innately selfish. And selfish people don't put anyone else first - not even their children. So while you are prepared to be polite and nice for their sake, he's not. He's pissed off that his life has been disrupted and you aren't willing to act like a household appliance while he does whatever he wants and, being a selfish man, isn't willing to put a lid on those feelings so that his children still get amicable parents!

I would still be polite - it's the dignified thing to do and I wouldn't want him to think he's upset or annoyed me. It's probably irritating him that you are coming across as happy without him. I'd give up on trying to maintain a 'family' relationship - some people just aren't willing to put that effort in.

Thanks for sharing, I’m glad you got away from yours too.

I just don’t get his reaction, why is he angry with me and not himself?

Well because he had a great life having his cake and eating it. He would have preferred for everything to stay the same, with you at home and him happily cheating, but you ruined it by leaving and he's angry at you for it

He will play the victim forever because in his eyes he hasn't done anything wrong.

Stop doing stuff all together, the children need to know you're not getting back together as a couple. But never bad mouth him or talk bad about him when they can overhear.

You’ve ruined his game OP. He’s sulking because you took your bell away and went home.

Yeah my ex was arrested he blamed me because I backed my child not him he tries telling people I believe him even wanted to put his Current partner on the phone to me so I could tell her everything I said yes, yes I will tell her everything he obviously knew from the tone in my voice that I meant not in a positive to him way so I didn't speak to her

Exactly. His sense of entitlement is off the scale. He told you he didn’t think he could guarantee that he wouldn’t cheat again- this is part of the pattern. Everything revolves around him and what he wants . You are well rid of him - but I would drop the friendliness if I were you. Stay polite but not friendly. He does not deserve it.

He thought after multiple affairs he was free to carry on his own.merry way.

He will hate you been strong.. best revenge going. Grey rock.move on.

He’s angry because his sweet life of shagging around and then coming home to a hot meal is over. He probably got a kick out of the lying and subterfuge too, and now that’s gone the affair has probably lost part of its excitement. You’ve got fed up with his cheating, ended the game, and taken your football home, and now his fun is over. Your smiley happy face is probably just rubbing salt into the wounds 😂

He's angry with you because it's easier than facing up to what he did and being angry with himself. Lack of self-awareness.

And I think it's far too early to think about doing things as a family, especially if he's acting like a dick.

Protect yourself.

He's lost the power and control he had over you and can't understand why you're being polite and pleasant when you see him.

In his head he has turned it around so you are the one in the wrong, that is probably the only way he can live with what he has done. Now he is being an arse so he can manage the emotions that surface when he sees you.
make sure you always look a million dollars and be nice and polite - always face the enemy in a full suit of armour ! 😂 his behaviour is unpleasant but expected, he is doing you are favour really as when they are all nice it can be hard to reason with leaving.

You have caused him inconvenience. He doesn't like it.He has to actually parent his children every time he has them. He has to give thought to other people rather than himself because, when he has them, he can no longer leave food, sleeping arrangements, laundry, entertainment etc etc to you. He will have to spend time thinking of all the ways that he is a victim in this. He will have to be sorting his story for future women ( will he paint you as a cheater, as neurotic, as lazy etc to justify his having to leave).All these things take time and energy that he wouldn't have had to expend if you hadn't so selfishly decided to end it. My exhusband did it all to me so you have my sympathy. Enjoy your new life without him. Continue to be pleasant, drop the children off and go and do things entirely for yourself. The consequences of his actions are no longer your problem. There is absolutely no need to ever do things as a family with him. Absolutely no need whatsoever.

There's a very good quote from James Baldwin along the lines of 'it's very hard to forgive someone you have wronged'. It related to white racism towards black people in the US. But I think it works in these situations.

I was in similar shoes to you and my ex H appears to despise me. Just get on with your life and forget the idea of doing things together as a family. He disrespected you by being unfaithful and he continues to disrespect you. Fuck knows what story he tells himself about you to justify his behaviour, but he's not a good man.

You’re certainly not alone in this. I used to say my ex would treat me like the enemy even though I had done nothing wrong and all the ‘wrongness’ came from him.
It is far too early to do things as a family but it could happen further down the line (as it did with me) but you have to be in a place of indifference about him (ie no longer wondering why he’s doing this or saying that etc). We ended up having some nice days with the children and people would have been surprised to know we weren’t a ‘family’. That took a number of years though and the key to it was being totally disinterested in his personal life or demeanour but always staying civil in front of the kids.

In his eyes he's lost everything, and it's your fault.

He'd got everything just how he liked it - home, cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare, sex etc all done by the wife appliance.

Who repeatedly showed him that his repeated infidelities were ok. All part of business as usual.

Now you're being unreasonable. Changing the rules without his permission.
Depriving him of his sweet life and spicy bit on the side.
Stepping out of line.

This is how they think.