He seems angry that I finally left him

[Coffeeandanap]

Hi all, posting for other’s opinions and experiences.
I was with my husband for over 15 years but left recently due to repeated cheating. He couldn’t promise me it wouldn’t happen again and I decided I couldn’t live with that, the constant checking/waiting for signs it was happening again, destroyed intimacy etc just made it a life I didn’t want anymore.
Since I’ve left we have to see each other to swap childcare and he’s so cold with me when I do see him. I find it bizarre, he acts like the wounded party, as though I’m the one who cheated and broke the marriage up. I treat him the way I would treat anyone, polite & smiley but not overly familiar or anything which would send a signal that it’s anything more than a polite friendly social interaction.
have others experienced this? I had hoped that despite everything we could be amicable and still do some things together as a family for the children but it feels so frosty that I don’t see that happening anymore. I’d rather not have the children see/feel an atmosphere when up until me leaving it was all civil. I just don’t get his reaction, why is he angry with me and not himself?

He's furious with you because you have had the cheek to walk away. He feels he deserves to be able to treat you how ever he likes, and you should be grateful for the privelege.

To not be able to say that he wouldn't cheat again shows a high level of self obsession, and an absolute lack of empathy. He hasn't changed how he feels about you, he's still as contemptful of you has has always been, it's just that now he's not disguising it to get what he wants.

I had hoped that despite everything we could be amicable

This is a tempting through, but in a lot of cases, and especially with someone so deluded it's just not going to be possible, and you'll prolong and extend the damage to yourself by trying. Grey Rock, polite, business like, sounds like you're doing amazingly.

The kids will understand in future, he will more than likely start to treat them similarly at some point, if not already.

He resents your strength and your audacity for actually leaving him.

It probably also grates that you’re at ease and happy without him. (Or it certainly seems that way to him when you meet),

Perhaps things aren’t quite as rosey as he thought they would be without you.

I love the bingo suggestion

I will be using this in my life too

As PP said, he probably can’t bear that you’ve moved on and he no longer has any control over you. He can’t bear how unimportant he’s become to you. He probably counted on you putting up with his shit forever. But really, why waste time wondering why he is behaving the way he’s behaving? Why even give him that much room in your head? He sure as hell doesn’t deserve it.

You’re doing a great job, OP, and you’re already not doing what your parents did and that’s enough. You don’t need family days out to drive home the point. Just keep on being cheerfully civil. In time, he may or may not come round but you can’t control what he does.

This is the kind of reaction you're pretty much guaranteed to get any time you've broken off a relationship with someone who has repeatedly lied, cheated or abused you in some way.

The base reason for their behaviour is always the same - they feel entitled to behave the way they do because they deeply believe the world has wronged them in some way, or many ways, and they're just 'making things right' by taking whatever they feel they need.

They fundamentally see themselves as victims and because of it they feel bitter and insecure and angry and deprived. Often they genuinely have been wronged in their past - childhood neglect or abuse, or bullying as an adolescent, usually. But not by you. You (or anyone else who gets close to them) are just the poor sap who ends up being held responsible for paying back the debt they think the world owes them.

Your husband is angry because in leaving him you showed him that you felt you deserved better than him. This triggers off his old insecurities and sense of deprivation. As others have said, he has lost control of you, and now he feels weak and victimised and resentful because you have asserted your own power.

It’s because it’s too early yet to do days out, or if you do you’ll have to grit your teeth and do it for the kids. Further down the line you may find (as I did) that you can do days out and actually have a nice time, but as I said in an earlier post, that’s only when you really don’t care about anything regarding him anymore, not out of anger but out of indifference.