He seems angry that I finally left him

[Coffeeandanap]

Hi all, posting for other’s opinions and experiences.
I was with my husband for over 15 years but left recently due to repeated cheating. He couldn’t promise me it wouldn’t happen again and I decided I couldn’t live with that, the constant checking/waiting for signs it was happening again, destroyed intimacy etc just made it a life I didn’t want anymore.
Since I’ve left we have to see each other to swap childcare and he’s so cold with me when I do see him. I find it bizarre, he acts like the wounded party, as though I’m the one who cheated and broke the marriage up. I treat him the way I would treat anyone, polite & smiley but not overly familiar or anything which would send a signal that it’s anything more than a polite friendly social interaction.
have others experienced this? I had hoped that despite everything we could be amicable and still do some things together as a family for the children but it feels so frosty that I don’t see that happening anymore. I’d rather not have the children see/feel an atmosphere when up until me leaving it was all civil. I just don’t get his reaction, why is he angry with me and not himself?

When he was with you and was cheating on you, he had the power to upset you- You cared enough about him to be gutted that he was unfaithful. Now you've left, you're amicable and friendly, and that shows a level of detachment that unnerves him. He's lost his power over you. He'd probably enjoy it a lot more if you were bitter and called him names.

Pretty much. The man I know who cheated is still angry at his wife post divorce, even though he instigated the divorce when she was willing to try again and still blames her. He's H's friend and I know from him that he feels the cheating is his Ex's fault because he wouldn't have had to cheat if he was getting what he wanted. I expect your Ex thinks the same OP, it's all your fault in his mind and always will be your fault because he can't bare to take any responsibility.

H has been acting strangely and I think he might be having an affair or on the brink of one and I know if he is it will all be my fault in his mind. Just like everything wrong in our relationship is my fault. You divorced your Ex for a reason, that hasn't changed, he's still that person you hurt you so badly you had to divorce him. The divorce took away any incentive he had to hide any of his behaviour. This is him, this is who he really is.

Thanks so much for all of your replies, a lot of wise insight here and some comfort too. I’m very glad to be out of the toxic relationship and can see that I’m giving him too much credit. I will detach and put any kind of ‘family’ activities out of my head until things improve, if ever

There aren't many people who have the sheer unimaginable arrogance and entitlement (narcissist), superiority complex and lack of empathy to actually admit they can't guarantee they won't choose to cheat again .... And expect their partner to stay with them.

He must really think women are doormats.

He's angry you're not.ges also angry you don't appear devastated, depressed, non functioning, bitter, regretful and distressed.

And I have no idea why you'd want to do family days combined with him, given how he's treated you. You don't have to be his mate or all super civil, just "pass yourself" civil.

That quote is fire 🔥 Baldwin is always so spot on.

I’ve seen this in action from bullying colleagues, frenemies and terrible exes.

I think it happens partly because you’re a reminder of how awful they are and deep down they don’t like. Your husband has some deep guilt for breaking up the family buried somewhere no doubt. And there’s also that sense of entitlement, some people think you’re just there to be a doormat and they get upset when you call time on their BS.

From what you have shared about him not wanting to promise he wouldn’t cheat again, he has no respect for you and expects you to put up with being treated like dirt. Men like that take it very badly if I you leave or reject them.

Thank you all, I really appreciate your input.

I guess for further context, he always made out as though he couldn’t help himself, that men are just wired this way. Think tortured soul, I can’t help the way I am mentality.

I don’t ‘want’ do days out with him, I just thought it might help the children adjust and not feel like they were missing out. I had divorced parents that couldn’t be in the same room as each other without everyone feeling the tension and I didn’t want that for my children.

have others experienced this? I had hoped that despite everything we could be amicable and still do some things together as a family for the children but it feels so frosty that I don’t see that happening anymore.

I do think this is an unusual and probably unreasonable expectation. I don't think many women who have been repeatedly cheated on would be wanting to play happy families after the event. Not unless they wanted to stay together. I think you aren't facing facts.

He is a cheat and not a nice person. Why would you want to spend time with him? Please don't say it's for the children's sake because they need clear messages too and this will be very confusing for them.

Also, how can you bear to be around him?

Honestly you’re so far off the mark, I do not want to get back together.

It’s hard to get across on here but I honestly don’t care anymore, I see what he did as a flaw on him, not a reflection on me. I can bear to look at him because he doesn’t hurt me anymore and I know he’ll never be truly satisfied and that’s quite sad but not my problem anymore.

I came from divorced parents and they hated each other, it was horrible, I couldn’t have a normal wedding & missed out on birthday parties because of their lack of communication as to who was organising etc.
I get where you’re coming from, the children do need to know we’re not getting back together and they do, honestly know that because I’ve discussed it with them, but I also wanted them to believe we didn’t hate each other and could put our personal shit to one side for the sake of going to an important event that they want both of us to attend for instance.

Of course he's angry. He's been getting away with it for 15 years and thought he didn't need to change and that he would still have his comfy home life going forward. You have called time and he has had to face reality.

He's an arse.

You quite rightly took back control and that wrong footed him when he was so sure he had you exactly where he wanted you. He doesn't like that, but tough. His own fault entirely.

Stay strong now and keep going. You are doing well. Pay no attention to his cold attitude.

Like most of the other men he will in no time meet someone new and you will be an afterthought (hopefully he won't treat his children like that)

why is he angry with me and not himself?

Because he was having his cake and eating it, and you went and spoiled his fun.

You took control.

Up to the day you decided enough was enough he had control of how your life went. Then you took the wheel.

Now he has nobody to hurt, but he's trying.

Start playing a mental game of bingo whenever you have to see him.
Pouting, dirty looks, pained silences, brusque replies to your comments, bingo.

Don't let the pettiness get to you.

You're definitely the bigger person here, with your hopes of being able to put the children first.

He has never put anyone else first. That's not going to change.

Be the best mum you can be for your children. You'll end up doing a lot of picking up the pieces after him, sadly.

Maybe his most recent conquest has dumped him as well.

This.
Keep doing what you’re doing. Look smiley, happy, positive. It will puss him off no end because it’s not gone the way HE wanted and he really wants to have a tantrum or two about that.

Piss him off. No cats involved. 😄

I didn't say you wanted to get back together with him. Just that it's more usual to be angry and not try to maintain a semblence of family harmony.

he always made out as though he couldn’t help himself, that men are just wired this way. Think tortured soul, I can’t help the way I am mentality.

Ah a double whammy of being male and being. "tortured" and flawed.

Poor him.

Doesn't seem to have occurred to him that many men are faithful totally, or at the very least not unfaithful repeatedly.

Also doesn't seem to have occurred to him that plenty of women are unfaithful. I winder if he's have accepted you being tortured and flawed and having some backstory as an excuse for cheating on him.

You should have said "let's have an open relationship then" .... Bet he wouldn't have gone for that through. Cheaters are usually polygynists, not polygamists.

He's probably unable to repress his intense anger at having to load his own keks into a washing machine (until he cohabits with his next victim).

You're supposed to be miserable and begging too.

His a Grade A Arsehole man child,

Who was in his element 🤔 when he was having his cake and eating it,

I wouldn't be surprised if he has undiagnosed Personality disorders in the mix too.

Stop being smiley face and pleasant to him like that, as it comes across as weakness,

Just be indifferent to him, and business like a work colleague who you are not arsed about whatsever,

Who gives a fxck about his opinion 🤔 about anything really,

Along as he does right for his children that's it.

And stop the happy family gertting together with him,

He does his thing with get together with your children and you do your thing,

Well rid of man child waste of space

Head Fuck

Just that it's more usual to be angry and not try to maintain a semblence of family harmony.

Op seems past that point. Understandably if it was repeated infidelity. She been round that cycle too many times.

Also op seems to be heavily influenced in her attitude/hopes by her own parents crappy post divorce co-parenting..... But she shouldn't go to the other extreme. Civil distance is about right.

Having never been married I’ve dated quite a few men and I can tell you this crazy making behaviour is not uncommon. For some reason this selfishness and lack of accountability have become commonplace for me in the past few years.
Some examples:-

-A guy I’d dated after 6 months forced himself on me because I was too tired to have sex one morning. When I called him out on this over the phone, he hung up on me. Then called me back 2 days later saying it was over because he’d just cheated on me. He then got angry when I became upset, saying he couldn’t cope with me anymore.

-I called out another boyfriend for spending so much time with other women. He responded by befriending one of my friends and started constantly texted her in front of me. When I tried to talk to him about this and various other behaviours that were upsetting me, he broke up with me, crying whilst he did it. He then proceeded to publicly say he wanted to remain friends with me and when I declined because I needed space, he turned all of our mutual friends against me. I don’t know what he said but it was effective.

-Another boyfriend got angry when I asked him to be more emotionally available and to get rid of his exes stuff which was still in the bedroom I frequently shared with him. He first tried playing the victim, then getting angry with me, but when that didn’t work to silence me he dumped me in dramatic fashion whilst crying his eyes out.

-A male friend who I fell for more recently (after 18 months of spending time together) wouldn’t leave me alone after stating he didn’t want a relationship with me. I’d later gotten over him so agreed to be friends. He then kissed me and asked me to stay the night which I stupidly did. When I got into bed he was naked from the waist down saying it was because I had borrowed his pyjamas. He then showed no interest in having sex and later got angry when I complained about his snoring and put earphones in to block me out. In the morning he was mad at me for disturbing his sleep and so I told him a few home truths. He later said he didn’t contact me after that because I was upset. When I tried to be the bigger person and just be friendly, he turned up at a social event I was attending, and dominated conversations with people I was trying to talk to.

-I subsequently dated an older man who I later found out had lied about his age. He wasn’t just a few years older, he was old enough to be my father and he got angry when I tried to explain why this was an issue, making out I was ageist or something. When I had slept with him and insisted on contraception he wasn’t happy about that and was generally inconsiderate and selfish in bed. Needless to say it was all over quite quickly. He seemed to have no awareness as to why any of this was a problem.

Does any of this behaviour make sense? Is it reasonable or caring?
No.
What it shows is…well it’s pretty obvious!!
And yes, I have stopped dating and I now have a cat.

Guess he’s not enjoying some actual consequences to his actions, must come as a bit of a shock after so long.

Because he wanted to have his cake and eat it and you took the cake away.

In an ideal world parents would be friendly for the sake of the children but in reality it just doesn't work like that. As long as neither of you speak ill of each other infront of the children.

Just continue to be civil and leave him to stew in his own emotions. You can't control how someone behaves or feels. Don't even try to start understanding a man who thinks it's acceptable to repeatedly cheat.

Well done for getting away from him. You deserve sooooo much better! ❤️