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Original poster

Am I paranoid or not

75 replies

Hopeless1686 · 05/02/2023 11:10

I have a big history of accusing my partner of cheating. Its happened a few times in our relationship but always just been my paranoia but this time I found something that I saw as something to worry about. This girl has been a worry for me for a long time and have questioned him about her before as I found he had searched her on instagram. He works with her in the same department in their store. She is 15 years younger than him (just a couple of years older than his first child) and she has a long term boyfriend who she lives with.
I snooped on his phone two nights ago, I know I shouldn't have and I know that it will receive negative responses but I can't take it back. I found text from this woman in question in his archived messages. He is off work at the moment for a week and I know him and her work in the same part of the shop. There was a message from her saying I miss you (crying emoji) it sucks. Then he replied back with "I'm sorry I haven't text yet, I haven't had a minute to myself, I miss you too" and then something else and she had sent two other messages after that and I didn't read them as my eyes where already filled with tears. I wish i did now as I can't remember what they said. He has had loads of time to himself this week as I've been doing the school runs and he has had time upstairs to sleep.

He came upstairs and I couldn't hold it in as he could see I was upset. I told him that I had looked on his phone and I had seen the messages from her. He straight away let his shoulders drop and looked away and said it is not what you are thinking, we are friends and I knew you would get all jealous and do this again.

I have asked him numerous times if something is going on with them and if he likes her more than a work friend. To me telling someone you miss them means you have been thinking about them and obviously the week with me hasn't been on his mind.

There was only those group of texts. He doesn't spend any time with her away from work as we are always together. When at home he does cuddle me, grab my bum, kisses me etc. She has a long term boyfriend that she has a house with. She is 15 years younger than him.

After that first moment I told him and he answered me he said "I'm done, no matter what I tell you you never believe me, you will never trust me and never have trusted me in the 4 years we have been together" he went downstairs and I followed him down and admittedly started telling him " If there is something going on just tell me, it's obviously more than friends cos you don't tell another woman you miss her, now you got what you want. I'm sure her boyfriend wouldn't like those texts either!"

He has always told me he hates cheaters, he knows someone who is doing this and is married and he told me it makes him feel so uncomfortable to see it and it's not fair on his wife. My boyfriend was cheated on by his ex who he has a child with and it took him 2 years to build himself back up.

I asked him why he hid the messages and never tells me how much they are friends if that's all it is and he said " cos you would never accept it, friends of the opposite sex is not allowed with you and I would have no friends. It seems she is really the only one he gets on with that well at work and then he spend rest of his time at home. When I was downstairs asking him he said "I'm done, I can't deal with this s**t any more"

He slept downstairs that night and I only got 1 hrs sleep through crying and hurting.

The next morning I went to speak to him and he kept asking me to leave him alone and go. I asked him to just tell me the truth and he said "whatever I tell you you won't believe anyway so what's the point" then he finally said "we are friends, we have a good laugh at work and that is all" I said to him I get it as she is young and pretty" he looked up and said "exactly, she is very young and I do not see her in that way!"

Told me he is still done and he won't look at me, speak to me or be in the same room as me. Last night was the second night and he slept downstairs again. I just can't get those miss you texts out of my head and I can see he is very hurt and upset I invaded his privacy as he told me he would never do that to me as he trusts me.

I've never felt like I'm enough for him and she obviously brings him something I don't if she is crossing his mind. He said I've been so miserable and hard to be around lately and never seem happy which is true, I got a lot going on and I never feel like I am pretty or enough for him.

I love him so much but this constant fear is drowning me. I feel like the text where too much but what if they are only friends and I've ruined it? What if there is something going on and I stupidly believe him and we fix it and they are both laughing at me? What if there is nothing going on, we stay together but I can never let that feeling of him cheating go?

I'm lost and confused and hurting for me and him.

So sorry its so long but it's so complicated

OP posts:
MithrilCostsMore · 05/02/2023 11:12

You need to leave him. You can't have a relationship with no trust.

Christmaspyjamas · 05/02/2023 11:16

I don't think he's cheating.

I think he's being friendly and polite to the colleague initiating the chat but he wasn't really interested in texting her.

He probably enjoys the attention and he hasnt handled the conversation with you well.

Trust is an issue in your relationship you both need to work on. For him that means more than just telling you to stop being jealous.

It doesn't seem he is capable of that but it does sound you are liable to run away in your mind and not accurately assess risk...the fact you didn't even read the last messages is very telling bevausev this could have given you more information but you chose not to.

You need couples counselling.

Cheezpuf · 05/02/2023 11:20

I definitely feel for you- I would be a little upset reading those messages .. however I do think you need to find a way to work through the trust issues you do have for any relationship to work.

Original poster
Hopeless1686 · 05/02/2023 11:20

But if this was the case surely he would just say I miss having a laugh with you etc. I really wish I had paid attention to the other messages 😔 I said yesterday "the rest of the messages after that weren't good either" just to see if he would say what they were and he said "I didn't even say anything else after that, she did.

OP posts:
Cheezpuf · 05/02/2023 11:25

I somehow believe him..that he didn’t respond to her after.

GoT1904 · 05/02/2023 11:26

I think (with love) you're not in a place to be in a relationship and he has probably done nothing wrong.

He likely feels he needs to hide his friendship with her as he's scared of your reaction.

Keepyourmummysboys · 05/02/2023 11:28

I think for both your sakes he needs to leave you and then you need help for your mental health issues, the jealousy, paranoia and insecurity. No one can live the way he is being forced to live due to it

right now it isn’t actually even about if he is cheating, which I doubt he is, and all about no one can live like this

Emmamoo89 · 05/02/2023 11:34

I don't think he's done anything wrong. I've got guy besties and would say miss you to them if I hadn't seen them in a while.

Keepyourmummysboys · 05/02/2023 11:40

i have a big history of accusing my partner of cheating. Its happened a few times in our relationship but always just been my paranoia

what help have you sought over this? Being Ill Carries no judgement, being Ill, treating your partner badly and not getting help does.

so what have you done to try to help yourself, as it’s a form of abuse for your partner to live with your accusations, snooping, upset etc.

Original poster
Hopeless1686 · 05/02/2023 11:54

@Keepyourmummysboys I have done CBT before but I found that very generic and not really focused on jealousy and paranoia and it didn't really help me. I never feel like I'm enough for him. I was married to my children's father for 10 years. That was a very emotional and verbally abusive relationship on his part. I found out he had been looking at women on his phone, texting other woman in a sexual way and he used to call me ugly etc. My current partner is so good looking, like way out of my league. He always has girls looking at him. I'm not even a 4 on the scale. I have small boobs, too skinny, my front teeth are bigger than the rest and I always hated them. When we met (online dating) we had sex each time we saw eachother, maybe sex twice a week for the first year and now it's not even once a week, can go 2-3 weeks. On his phone I saw the type of thing he looks at to pleasure himself and I just don't amount to any of them women.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopeless1686 · 05/02/2023 11:57

@Emmamoo89 but it's such a secret friendship. I guess he hides it cos he knows I am fearful of this girl. She is naturally stunning. Curvy, beautiful eyes and big chest which I don't have. Honestly he is so gorgeous and he could easily have any girl he wanted to. I feel like I'm more of a comfort and a companion rather than excitement and a lover

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopeless1686 · 05/02/2023 12:03

I just tried to speak to him this morning after another night of him sleeping downstairs and he just stayed silent. I asked him if we are going to be able to work on this and he said "I don't know" the atmosphere in the house is just so hard. My children are sensing it. Just need to know if I can work on us and me or not cos staying this way with the silent treatment and not being in the same room is hard. We both think he has autism as he struggles with social settings, get anxiety, struggles with emotions, gets tired easily. He has shut himself off in the bedroom and won't communicate with anyone else in the house

OP posts:
Christmaspyjamas · 05/02/2023 12:04

You seem to be confusing physical attractiveness with what men want in relationships.

They want peace, calm, to be trusted,to be appreciated, fun, relaxation, to be cared for.

Your partner was with you for your personality and how he felt around you.

You could maybe focus on that. And definitely stop punishing him for your insecurities on shallow matters when I can guarantee if he leaves it won't be for the reasons you outline.

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 12:07

I think that if he's saying 'I'm done' when he's not done, then regardless of what you're doing, he's not running the relationship in a healthy way, and that' not going to help you.

Find someone who knows how to run a relationship better and doesn't threaten to leave when they feel bad.

And if you're paranoid or if he's guilty or both, the fact is, this relationship doesn't make you happy, so the best thing is to leave. It's not about his guilt.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/02/2023 12:07

but it's such a secret friendship. I guess he hides it cos he knows I am fearful of this girl

Well, yes. You've created this situation where he's afraid to talk about interactions with women for fear of how you'll react. You're effectively controlling him with your behaviour, and that's not okay.

I think to have any chance at making this work, you need to take ACTION right now - get some proper therapy lined up with dealing with your anxiety and low self esteem, and commit to doing the work. Ask if he will give you another chance. Promise (and mean it) to never look at his phone again.

He may still choose to end the relationship, but commit to doing this work either way. Because (most importantly) you deserve to be happy and to stop carrying this burden of anxiety. But also because if you don't deal with it, you're going to carry this behaviour into all your future relationships and that's going to fuck them up as well.

Christmaspyjamas · 05/02/2023 12:07

Hopeless1686 · 05/02/2023 12:03

I just tried to speak to him this morning after another night of him sleeping downstairs and he just stayed silent. I asked him if we are going to be able to work on this and he said "I don't know" the atmosphere in the house is just so hard. My children are sensing it. Just need to know if I can work on us and me or not cos staying this way with the silent treatment and not being in the same room is hard. We both think he has autism as he struggles with social settings, get anxiety, struggles with emotions, gets tired easily. He has shut himself off in the bedroom and won't communicate with anyone else in the house

This really is not about his possible autism. It is a very healthy response to having being accused of cheating on multiple occasions unfairly.

I suggest while he thinks you also self-reflect.

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 12:11

If he's hiding perfectly innocent things from you because he knows how you'll react, then that's not healthy either. He's not taking care of you, or the relationship, or himself.

Original poster
Hopeless1686 · 05/02/2023 12:27

It's so hard. We are like strangers at the moment. I just want to hold him. He goes back to work tomorrow after his week off and the thought of him being ok without me hurts. But not as much as I hurt him x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopeless1686 · 05/02/2023 12:36

He just doesn't seem as upset as me at the thought of splitting up. He is in the shower singing away right now while I'm in tears. How do I get him to talk cos whatever I have tried he won't

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 05/02/2023 12:36

Hopeless1686 · 05/02/2023 11:54

@Keepyourmummysboys I have done CBT before but I found that very generic and not really focused on jealousy and paranoia and it didn't really help me. I never feel like I'm enough for him. I was married to my children's father for 10 years. That was a very emotional and verbally abusive relationship on his part. I found out he had been looking at women on his phone, texting other woman in a sexual way and he used to call me ugly etc. My current partner is so good looking, like way out of my league. He always has girls looking at him. I'm not even a 4 on the scale. I have small boobs, too skinny, my front teeth are bigger than the rest and I always hated them. When we met (online dating) we had sex each time we saw eachother, maybe sex twice a week for the first year and now it's not even once a week, can go 2-3 weeks. On his phone I saw the type of thing he looks at to pleasure himself and I just don't amount to any of them women.

I had a bf like you -he could have written a similar message.

Its very hard work being on the receiving end of paranoia and jealousy, and I never cheated or even had male friends but it was constant tiring accusations.

I was not responsible for his low self esteem and trust issues. And the worst part is, if you're not cheating, it's almost impossible to prove that.

I ended the relationship and I think you need to work on yourself a lot.

Christmaspyjamas · 05/02/2023 12:40

Hopeless1686 · 05/02/2023 12:36

He just doesn't seem as upset as me at the thought of splitting up. He is in the shower singing away right now while I'm in tears. How do I get him to talk cos whatever I have tried he won't

How about you respect his need for peace after the drama you created.

Manage your OWN emotional needs instead of demanding he does.

Stepping out of this because honestly OP you're coming across as manipulative bordering on abusive the more this goes on.

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 12:40

Hopeless1686 · 05/02/2023 12:36

He just doesn't seem as upset as me at the thought of splitting up. He is in the shower singing away right now while I'm in tears. How do I get him to talk cos whatever I have tried he won't

It's not your responsibility to get him to talk to you.

You have to recognise that your only responsibility is to spend your time with people who want to talk to you.

He knows you're upset. Would you sing in the shower when someone in the house was upset? Even if they were upset about something that was nothing to do with you? Or would you consider their feelings and try to keep it down a bit?

helloelsie · 05/02/2023 12:42

It doesn't sound like he's cheating to me
But it's clear your values are both different hence you being uncomfortable with the level of intimacy he has with this other woman albeit it is on a platonic level

I would say get some couples counselling to work through your shared and individual issues if you want to make this work.

Bellalalala · 05/02/2023 12:45

You have strayed into territory where you are abusing him. He is switched off because that’s what happens.

It goes on enough, you stop caring. Being without the person isn’t as terrifying as staying with them.

Sounds like you feel like you want some trauma bonding. Loads of drama and think resolving it will bring you back together. But most people get exhausted with that.

You need to resolve your issues outside your relationship. These are your issues and you are damaging him and the relationship with them.

It’s doesn’t have to forget it and pretend it didn’t happen, to stop you being sad. This is a situation of your own making.

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 12:48

the thought of him being ok without me hurts

You don't love him, OP. You are attached to him loving you, because it bolsters your damaged ego.

If you loved him, you'd be glad he was ok, even if you weren't together. Currently, you're wanting him to suffer more so that you can feel reassured. I'm sure you can see that that's not healthy.