Am I paranoid or not

[Hopeless1686]

I have a big history of accusing my partner of cheating. Its happened a few times in our relationship but always just been my paranoia but this time I found something that I saw as something to worry about. This girl has been a worry for me for a long time and have questioned him about her before as I found he had searched her on instagram. He works with her in the same department in their store. She is 15 years younger than him (just a couple of years older than his first child) and she has a long term boyfriend who she lives with.
I snooped on his phone two nights ago, I know I shouldn't have and I know that it will receive negative responses but I can't take it back. I found text from this woman in question in his archived messages. He is off work at the moment for a week and I know him and her work in the same part of the shop. There was a message from her saying I miss you (crying emoji) it sucks. Then he replied back with "I'm sorry I haven't text yet, I haven't had a minute to myself, I miss you too" and then something else and she had sent two other messages after that and I didn't read them as my eyes where already filled with tears. I wish i did now as I can't remember what they said. He has had loads of time to himself this week as I've been doing the school runs and he has had time upstairs to sleep.

He came upstairs and I couldn't hold it in as he could see I was upset. I told him that I had looked on his phone and I had seen the messages from her. He straight away let his shoulders drop and looked away and said it is not what you are thinking, we are friends and I knew you would get all jealous and do this again.

I have asked him numerous times if something is going on with them and if he likes her more than a work friend. To me telling someone you miss them means you have been thinking about them and obviously the week with me hasn't been on his mind.

There was only those group of texts. He doesn't spend any time with her away from work as we are always together. When at home he does cuddle me, grab my bum, kisses me etc. She has a long term boyfriend that she has a house with. She is 15 years younger than him.

After that first moment I told him and he answered me he said "I'm done, no matter what I tell you you never believe me, you will never trust me and never have trusted me in the 4 years we have been together" he went downstairs and I followed him down and admittedly started telling him " If there is something going on just tell me, it's obviously more than friends cos you don't tell another woman you miss her, now you got what you want. I'm sure her boyfriend wouldn't like those texts either!"

He has always told me he hates cheaters, he knows someone who is doing this and is married and he told me it makes him feel so uncomfortable to see it and it's not fair on his wife. My boyfriend was cheated on by his ex who he has a child with and it took him 2 years to build himself back up.

I asked him why he hid the messages and never tells me how much they are friends if that's all it is and he said " cos you would never accept it, friends of the opposite sex is not allowed with you and I would have no friends. It seems she is really the only one he gets on with that well at work and then he spend rest of his time at home. When I was downstairs asking him he said "I'm done, I can't deal with this s**t any more"

He slept downstairs that night and I only got 1 hrs sleep through crying and hurting.

The next morning I went to speak to him and he kept asking me to leave him alone and go. I asked him to just tell me the truth and he said "whatever I tell you you won't believe anyway so what's the point" then he finally said "we are friends, we have a good laugh at work and that is all" I said to him I get it as she is young and pretty" he looked up and said "exactly, she is very young and I do not see her in that way!"

Told me he is still done and he won't look at me, speak to me or be in the same room as me. Last night was the second night and he slept downstairs again. I just can't get those miss you texts out of my head and I can see he is very hurt and upset I invaded his privacy as he told me he would never do that to me as he trusts me.

I've never felt like I'm enough for him and she obviously brings him something I don't if she is crossing his mind. He said I've been so miserable and hard to be around lately and never seem happy which is true, I got a lot going on and I never feel like I am pretty or enough for him.

I love him so much but this constant fear is drowning me. I feel like the text where too much but what if they are only friends and I've ruined it? What if there is something going on and I stupidly believe him and we fix it and they are both laughing at me? What if there is nothing going on, we stay together but I can never let that feeling of him cheating go?

I'm lost and confused and hurting for me and him.

So sorry its so long but it's so complicated

@helloelsie so just from another woman's perspective, if you saw those texts it wouldn't worry you? I'm not trying to be funny or anything, it would just be nice to hear it from someone else how they would perceive them xx

With the best intentions you're never going to be happy with him holding all those thoughts and beliefs and it isn't fair on him to be thinking like that either.. He's with you, he's walking on eggshells and still it's not enough, he deserves you to trust him, if you can't give him that you need to walk away..

You say you have accused him many times in the past all false.

You still snoop on his phone.

So can you not see from his perspective? Have you not ever sent a message to a friend "I miss you" regardless of whether that friend is male or female?

Perhaps you do need a partner who only has male friends, and you only have female friends. Not saying that is healthy but it might be the only way you can cope.

You can't make anyone stay with you.

You can only try and learn, heal, move on.

This relationship is driving you crazy and making him feel trapped. This isn't love.

@frozendaisy I haven't sent that text but he knows how much I compare myself to that girl. He said to me they just work together and they don't talk out of work. He would always tell me that I am the only girl he wants and no one can compare to me but it doesn't feel like that. I understand everyone is saying I'm crazy and I got issues, it's hard to see but they are right. I don't know if anyone else has felt that gut pain when you think someone you love so much likes someone else.
He is back at work tomorrow with her and he will be there hating me at that moment. Seeing him so closed off and not being able to talk is difficult. Prolonging it is worse as I guess just knowing if he wants to leave or work at it will give some sort of closure and give me and him the path to whatever our future is, together or not

OP - you’re not listening. You’re trying to just your snooping and your reaction. It sounds like you’re still too damaged from your previous relationship to be in a relationship now. You need to do way more work on yourself.

It does sound like this relationship is over and it may well be that your bottomless insecurity has killed it. That’s a very painful lesson for you but my experience of life is that very painful lessons are often the most useful and I speak as someone who’s made some bloody awful mistakes in life.

Actually your only chance of saving this relationship (and you still might not) is letting go of him. Back right off. You deal with your needs. Learn that you can live without him and give him some space to breathe.

And, yes, most of us - most human beings - have experienced the gut pain of someone we want to be with, wanting to be with someone else. You’re not special in that regard and it might help you to realise that.

Everyone who wants a healthy relationship has to learn to deal with romantic disappointment. But it sounds like your partner kept trying to reassure you but he’s lost patience. Having to repeatedly reassure a partner will generally kill a healthy relationship because it’s so draining on the relationship.

I used to be similar to you - then I realised I was essentially an emotional vampire and did some serious work on myself.

OP - this is very painful now but I think this could be a very useful lesson to you so make it work for you.

I have a close male friend and we do say 'I miss you' to each other over text. In the absence of other evidence I can't see anything wrong in your DP's texts.

I do also have a friend who behaves a lot like you do to her DH and she is slowly pushing him away even though he's done nothing wrong. No amount of reassurance has changed her. On one occasion, he got home from work and she asked him about his day. He forgot to tell her he stopped at Costa for a coffee midway through the day. She realised because she tracked his phone. She wouldn't believe it was an accident that he'd forgotten about that and assumed he was deliberately hiding it from her for some reason. She became obsessed with it. And no amount of our friend group telling her it was ridiculous would change her mind.

Don't let yourself get that paranoid and controlling. It's horrible behaviour and will be repeated in subsequent relationships if it's not dealt with.

@TidyDancer thank you for your reply. I guess this is the first woman that he has actually had a proper friendship with in the whole 4 years we have been together, I know you are all probably thinking "yeah cos he has probably been to scared to" but saying the words "I miss you too" would hurt him if I wrote those to a male colleague. Especially when he knows I have had worries about her already. Like he wishes he was there with her rather than his week off with me. Our week had actually been ok before all this happened. He seemed to be having a good time with me

but saying the words "I miss you too" would hurt him if I wrote those to a male colleague

Has he told you this would hurt him?

You’re still minimising your toxic abusive behaviour. When you’re doing these things - continually accusing him of cheating - what do you think is going to happen? Do you think he’s going to continue tolerating it forever? As that’s obviously not realistic. Nobody is going to put up with being accused of cheating forever. You must see that. So why keep doing it?

You talk about your ‘gut pain’. You can’t control how you feel, but you’re an adult with agency and you have control over your behaviour. You’re choosing to accuse him. You’re choosing to go through his phone. All of these things are choices. You can choose to stop it.

If you feel you can’t control these things, you shouldn’t be in a relationship. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.

I don't think you should be in a relationship with anyone until you sort yourself out.

I've been on the other side of this and it almost broke me. Accusations, checking call log and texts when I left my phone unattended. Confronting me on innocent messages between friends.

It is abusive behaviour, dressed at trust issues.

Thank you everyone for your replies and time to try and attempt to help me. I can see a few of you are feeling quite strongly about my actions and how I have behaved to him and I appreciate your honesty and when someone with issues like me think about it we can't see what others feel, only what we feel, like wearing blinkers and not taking anything else except for what is in my head. To me those texts looked worrying but that was my tunnel vision. I am going to look into help from counselling that specialises in paranoia, self esteem and my inability to put others first in relationships.
It has been hard hearing some of it but also a bit of an eye opener. It shouldn't have to take strangers to tell me these things that he has told me but thank you for taking in all the information and offering your help and opinions

He didn’t say he wishes he was at work with her.

She said she missed him. And that happens. If certain colleagues are off work can often feel a bit shit. He just reciprocated the sentiment. There was nothing else there.

People make friends at work. It’s makes the work a bit easier. It’s entirely normal. You want his work friendships to be based on wether you think they too attractive for him to be friends with. Wether your issues determine if he is allowed to friends with them or not.

It doesn’t matter what excuses you produce. You are abusing him and then making excuses. Your posts are all about you, about how you feel. Even when you talk about him, it’s about what you ‘need’ him to do to make you feel better. He isn’t allowed to have his feelings or work through them, because you need an immediate answer to make you feel better.

You admit you falsely accuse him. Often. You are doing it again, but trying to find another excuse for why it’s ok. That, this time, it’s justified.

You are the one that’s acting badly. You can’t dictate how he deals with it.

I'm not sure why everyone is giving you such a hard time OP, it's clear you're very emotionally dependent on him which isn't healthy and have trust issues but he really isn't helping by having 'secret friendships' and telling other women he misses them is he? I've never told another male work colleague or even a male friend that I miss them - especially if I'm going to see them in next to no time when I'm next at work! It sounds like he's perfectly happy to blank you while you plead with him to communicate, off singing in the shower he probably loves the power he feels from you begging.

This relationship just does not work for you, you do not feel safe and secure in this relationship. You need to end the relationship and just concentrate on yourself and your kids right now. The level of emotional dependence you have is no good for you at all, you need to get yourself a lot stronger and much more independent before you start another relationship. Do what's best for you now, take the power back and end it, you deserve to feel safe and happy in a relationship.

@Bellalalala ok. Thank you for your reply.
Guess I am the bad one and during it I didn't see it, just blocked everything else out. Thank you for your honest and clear opinion x

@Choconut thank you. I can understand what others are saying. I honestly do love him so much. I guess I've always thought he was way out of my league. He is really good looking and is so funny so can see why she likes him. Just can't really get past the reply from him.

It’s not about labelling yourself ‘the bad one’.
Its about addressing your anxieties and dealing the behaviours.

If you can’t get past his reply. Then it’s over. The relationship is done. You can’t say you can’t get past something then carry on the relationship with it hanging over you both.

You don’t need him to end it. You can do that. Then work on yourself.

You know the way your ex of 10 years destroyed your self esteem and mental health? That's what you're doing to your current partner.

Please get help. This isn't about him and her. You've latched onto it, yes. But men and women are allowed to be friends. I hope you'll be okay. Whether this relationship works or not, you need to find some healing. You're stressing yourself out to the max, looking for danger and damaging yourself more.

If you can't get past it, then accept that. Accept the consequences of that. Accept that that ends the relationship, and that you can move on, and be fine.

Your anxiety will never get better if you have someone stood behind you all the time labelling you 'bad' for simply having your feelings. And you do: it's you. Stop labelling yourself negatively. You're a human being, and you have reasons for feeling the way you do. And that's fine.

@GoT1904 thank you for hoping I will be ok. I don't want to be this way. Its draining everyone around me and me aswell. If I could wave a magic wand and be a completely different person in regards to how I behave I would. When you look at it from the outside I am becoming my ex, that is an awful thing to think about. Like I said in my original post, he has expressed many times how much he hates cheaters and he has been cheated on which resulted in some painful news due to his ex cheating on him. He was single for 2 years before meeting me as it took him that long to find himself again, he lost weight and worked out during that time. We have had some great moments and memories, he has helped me through the issues I've had with the kids father and supported me when my grandfather passed away 2 years ago. My son doesn't talk to or see his father and he has recently told my partner he sees him as a father figure and the best step dad he could ever ask for. He is a good man and I focus on the negatives. I really do need help and I will source it tomorrow as like a few people have said, no matter what happens between us, I need it for my kids future and my future x

I feel sorry for you but I also feel sorry for your partner. He's stuck between a rick and a hard place with you. I think it would be kind for you both if you ended this relationship now, and you undertake some serious work on dealing with your insecurities and paranoia. You are bordering on being abusive and controlling.

Your insecurities, and intensity in projecting them onto your partner, scream through in your posts. You are repeatedly talking about how you look, how he looks, how any women he comes across looks. I can envisage you sort of following him around the house asking the same questions over and over again (not just since you have seen these messages, but in day to day life) about what he thinks of you and how you look, and asking impossible questions about other women. I am not surprised that he feels done, because it sounds suffocating and bleak. If this is what home life is like, he probably does miss her and prefers being at work

@blackbeardsballsack thanks

@PollyAmour thank you for your reply. Yeah I'm sort of getting that from other posts and like I said. I am going find out places to help me tomorrow

Hang on a minute.
Your husband knows you have concerns about this woman. He’s told you they don’t talk outside of work and you’ve discovered he’s lied about that and they are messaging each other saying how much they miss each other. That’s totally inappropriate , unprofessional and also disrespectful.

I would be mightily pissed off.

You're getting a hard time because people are focusing on the fact you’ve accused him previously. That’s neither here nor there. His behaviour on this occasion is inappropriate and most women would not like their husbands secretly messaging other women saying they miss them.

Why have you thought he’s previously cheated op?

Im quite concerned about this thread. And I’m concerned you’re meekly accepting the accusation that you’re an abuser and controlling.

Because what’s actually happened is your husband has been secretly messaging a young woman close to his daughters age saying he misses her. Despite what people on here are telling you, not many women would be pleased about their old fart husband secretly messaging a young woman telling her he misses her. It’s not appropriate and I’m not sure why people are encouraging you to accept this when it’s unlikely they would accept it themselves.

Your husbands response to you being upset is to ignore you. To not look at you or speak to you and to hide away in the bedroom threatening to end the relationship. That’s not acceptable at all and again I’m surprised posters are justifying that,, particularly as you have children in the house whomare affected by the atmosphere.

Does he generally act like this op?

You were right by the way, that her boyfriend probably wouldn’t like it either. And you were right to have concerns about this woman , because those messages were not appropriate, nor is lying about it.

Stop taking all the blame.