Am I paranoid or not

[Hopeless1686]

I have a big history of accusing my partner of cheating. Its happened a few times in our relationship but always just been my paranoia but this time I found something that I saw as something to worry about. This girl has been a worry for me for a long time and have questioned him about her before as I found he had searched her on instagram. He works with her in the same department in their store. She is 15 years younger than him (just a couple of years older than his first child) and she has a long term boyfriend who she lives with.
I snooped on his phone two nights ago, I know I shouldn't have and I know that it will receive negative responses but I can't take it back. I found text from this woman in question in his archived messages. He is off work at the moment for a week and I know him and her work in the same part of the shop. There was a message from her saying I miss you (crying emoji) it sucks. Then he replied back with "I'm sorry I haven't text yet, I haven't had a minute to myself, I miss you too" and then something else and she had sent two other messages after that and I didn't read them as my eyes where already filled with tears. I wish i did now as I can't remember what they said. He has had loads of time to himself this week as I've been doing the school runs and he has had time upstairs to sleep.

He came upstairs and I couldn't hold it in as he could see I was upset. I told him that I had looked on his phone and I had seen the messages from her. He straight away let his shoulders drop and looked away and said it is not what you are thinking, we are friends and I knew you would get all jealous and do this again.

I have asked him numerous times if something is going on with them and if he likes her more than a work friend. To me telling someone you miss them means you have been thinking about them and obviously the week with me hasn't been on his mind.

There was only those group of texts. He doesn't spend any time with her away from work as we are always together. When at home he does cuddle me, grab my bum, kisses me etc. She has a long term boyfriend that she has a house with. She is 15 years younger than him.

After that first moment I told him and he answered me he said "I'm done, no matter what I tell you you never believe me, you will never trust me and never have trusted me in the 4 years we have been together" he went downstairs and I followed him down and admittedly started telling him " If there is something going on just tell me, it's obviously more than friends cos you don't tell another woman you miss her, now you got what you want. I'm sure her boyfriend wouldn't like those texts either!"

He has always told me he hates cheaters, he knows someone who is doing this and is married and he told me it makes him feel so uncomfortable to see it and it's not fair on his wife. My boyfriend was cheated on by his ex who he has a child with and it took him 2 years to build himself back up.

I asked him why he hid the messages and never tells me how much they are friends if that's all it is and he said " cos you would never accept it, friends of the opposite sex is not allowed with you and I would have no friends. It seems she is really the only one he gets on with that well at work and then he spend rest of his time at home. When I was downstairs asking him he said "I'm done, I can't deal with this s**t any more"

He slept downstairs that night and I only got 1 hrs sleep through crying and hurting.

The next morning I went to speak to him and he kept asking me to leave him alone and go. I asked him to just tell me the truth and he said "whatever I tell you you won't believe anyway so what's the point" then he finally said "we are friends, we have a good laugh at work and that is all" I said to him I get it as she is young and pretty" he looked up and said "exactly, she is very young and I do not see her in that way!"

Told me he is still done and he won't look at me, speak to me or be in the same room as me. Last night was the second night and he slept downstairs again. I just can't get those miss you texts out of my head and I can see he is very hurt and upset I invaded his privacy as he told me he would never do that to me as he trusts me.

I've never felt like I'm enough for him and she obviously brings him something I don't if she is crossing his mind. He said I've been so miserable and hard to be around lately and never seem happy which is true, I got a lot going on and I never feel like I am pretty or enough for him.

I love him so much but this constant fear is drowning me. I feel like the text where too much but what if they are only friends and I've ruined it? What if there is something going on and I stupidly believe him and we fix it and they are both laughing at me? What if there is nothing going on, we stay together but I can never let that feeling of him cheating go?

I'm lost and confused and hurting for me and him.

So sorry its so long but it's so complicated

One thing I will add. You are not abusive or controlling. Please ignore pps saying that x

If I'm being honest with you he sounds like a narcassist.

Does he normally sing in the shower op? It sounds performative and ridiculous considering he’s so upset he won’t speak to you.

@Ghostbuster2639 he does sing in the shower yes. It's hard not knowing what he wants to do. He may not even know yet himself. The atmosphere is so bad in the house. He is back to work tomorrow and for the first time in a long time he is glad to be working and to be honest I don't blame him. X

Hi Op, I only got as far as your third post and just wanted to say, I think you are being very unkind to yourself. Re read the way you have described yourself and ask yourself if you would ever describe and friend or someone you loved in this way. You are worthy of love and worthy of a great relationship. I think you need to seek out some more specific CBT or counselling that will help you work through your low self esteem which are leading to your trust issues. That is the first step. Try not to beat yourself up too much, we are all human x

Either you're right, don't trust him and at some point he's cheated.

Or you're wrong, don't trust him and at no point has he cheated.

Regardless, you aren't in the right headspace to be in a relationship at the moment.

Because whether you're right or wrong it would be life changing for you to get past your paranoia and anxiety in relationships.

Whether you're right or wrong about individual relationships, that remains the case.

You deserve to be happy and either single or with someone you trust, who trusts you.

He deserves to be happy and either single or with someone he trusts, who trusts him.

It sounds like some counselling would be really beneficial for you, as would a period of being single to build up your self esteem.

@Riri24 Thank you 🥲 it has been hard reading some of the replies but I can't blame most of them. But you put it in a way that isn't harsh but helpful. I do know I have a problem. I admit that. I don't know what will happen with us but I do know that I am going to work on me for me and my children. They need to see a role model who shows them that loving ourselves is strong and I don't want them to see this and think it's ok to not feel good enough. Xx

@Emmamoo89 thank you. But I get where they are coming from and can understand their reasoning behind it. I expected it to come because like I said before, if I was looking in from the outside I wouldn't like the behaviour I've shown. Not everyone is able to sit and talk about things and show their upset and anger in different ways and his is to totally shut down. He does this aswell when he is stressed or very upset about something else other than us or he is having a burn out due to his autism. He finds it easier to talk over text or writing so maybe when he is at work and ready to talk on a break then we can work out the best thing for us both. I'm not going to badger him or beg him if he decides he doesn't want this anymore as he has chosen that to put himself first and I can't be upset about that xx

The problem with the male female friends thing is that it can quickly cross into emotional affair territory. I tried to put myself in your shoes. I really wouldn't have liked seeing that text. Yes it would have hurt me. Call me jealous, yes probably so, insecure/esteem issues maybe.
Is saying you miss someone of the opposite sex who is a friend appropriate? I don't think it is tbh. Just doesn't sit right with me, when you're married. I hope he says that sort of thing to you usually.
The thing is, if he says he can't be open because of your lack of trust, could that be him being a dick? Surely if you struggle, he'd be behind you to get some form of help/therapy for trust issues? Trust is so important, without it, I don't think you have a relationship. Unfortunately going on his phone is a breach of trust too. It's not clear cut.
I hope you manage to sort things out.

You seem determined to be the bad guy here op. You’ve done a complete 180 from feeling these messages are over the line to now seeing yourself as the problem.

And now he’s froze you out and you’re sitting around wondering what he’s going to do. What are you going to do? Are you going to pretend you’re ok with these messages? I’m not surprised you don’t trust him. What man his age thinks these messages are ok.

@Hopeless1686, I agree that you would greatly benefit from counseling for your anxiety and to strengthen your self-esteem and coping strategies. Nevertheless, I would consider that message exchange to be inappropriate.

Your Partner has been checking out this woman’s Instagram. She is telling him that she misses him and that that feeling ‘sucks.’ He apologizes for his delayed response because he hasn’t had a private moment, and declares that he misses her, too. In no universe would my H participate in such an exchange with another woman.

In my view, he crossed a line here, and his stonewalling you is manipulative. This wouldn’t be the man for me.

I see some people agree with me that the texts weren't acceptable and some think they are ok. I'm even more confused and we still haven't spoke about it. I was busy getting my children ready for school while he got ready for work. I dropped him off at work and he has a break soon so hopefully we can talk then

hey OP i hope your ok, i get it, i get why your feeling like you are and i think hes being immature by just not talking to you. that wont solve any issues.
Not exactly the same but my husband had someone on social media that he had history with, not in a relationship way but they had a time that they were flirty etc. and i told him it made me feel uncomfortable and quite upset, he deleted her off his social media, no argument was had, he didnt want me to say any more and said he would never want to make me feel that way. I dont understand why your partner isnt seeing your hurt and trying to resolve it too.

if the message had been deleted id be asking myself why, if he has nothing to hide why would he delete it?

It is confusing. Your past behaviour is absolutely not healthy. But I also would not be happy with the messages and I'm surprised so many people are ok with it.

Normally you'd get 'you've told him this upsets you and he isn't respecting your boundaries or you by sneaking about and lying to you. Raise the bar'.

Because you have been honest about your past behaviour it's clouding peoples judgement on the here and now.

You absolutely do need therapy to overcome your jealousy, but that doesn't mean your partner is right. Him singing happily while you are upset is awful. Particularly as he is about to go back to work.

I agree with other PP you should take time to work on yourself, then find someone who doesn't lie to you about texting younger women. You will be much happier and healthier once you work on your self esteem.

Nobody can tell you what's acceptable or not, because there's no overarching authority on 'What's acceptable'. There's nobody who can tell you what to do in life because it has to be based on what you feel, and nobody knows that except you. You have to decide for yourself what is acceptable for you, not find out from other people what is generically 'acceptable'.

You are the overarching boss. You are responsible. You are in charge. Nobody has the right to tell you what's right or wrong about anything (unless it's about law) and you have to decide for yourself. There are no guidelines about what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' do. This is what being an adult is. You have all the joys and responsibilities of making your own decisions, to make you happy. It's not about 'doing what's acceptable'. As you can see, everyone has a different version of 'acceptable'. You have to live a life that's acceptable to you, and fill it with people who see things in the same way, or challenge you in ways that you appreciate. Walk away from others.

Just an update for everyone who took time to offer advice and words of support. We spoke on his breaks. He said he understands how the texts and words made me feel and he said sorry for that but I have broken his trust- which I know I have. He said after everything he had been through in the past getting over being cheated on he opened up to trust me and by what I did I broke that. Also couldn't express enough that they are just friends and he always found it easier being friends with women and his best friend at his job he had when we met was a woman. He left that job to come and move in with me, I do know about her. He said he doesn't know if he can carry on with us wondering if I will get better with my jealousy and paranoia on the chance that it won't change. I said that no matter what happens I am going to work on myself for myself. I don't know where we will go from here but what I do know is the work on myself needs to start now x

The first piece of work on yourself that you can do is to accept that this relationship is not making you happy, he's threatening you with ending the relationship and not actually ending it, and he's left you massively questioning yourself. You need to break up with him, which will be recognition of your refusal to live under his sword of damocles.

Imagine how perfect you're going to have to be, now, to make sure he doesn't leave you. How will you relax? Why would he want you to feel that way? Why is he doing this?

No op. He’s broke your trust by lying and having these secret inappropriate messages with this young woman. Maybe he’ll get just how inappropriate they were if her partner sees them and turns up at your door wanting a word with him.

I think he’s being very manipulative threatening to end the relationship. This is all sorts of messed up and I imagine you will think twice about questioning his inappropriate behaviour again. Are you now meant to live in limbo, endlessly grovelling while he continues his inappropriate friendship?

I don’t know where you can go from here because you are now in the role of jealous abusive partner, and you’ve accepted that role.

i think you need to re-examine the previous occasions where you have had concerns. Did you just make stuff up, or was he behaving in a way that caused you to be concerned? Why were you concerned about this particular woman?

Exactly this.

This is the first thing I thought as soon as I read it.

Now he's got you where he wants you. He's not trying to work through this as a couple, he's putting everything on you so you're worried you'll put a foot wrong while he can blame everything on your jealousy.

This is not the right relationship for you. Please keep posting on here for support no matter what you decide to do. I know not every has been kind but you will find support from others.

@Watchkeys I totally understand what you are saying. I have been spending time with my children. He said he is still upset after everything he went through with his ex and I said I understand that and I take full responsibility for what I done, on the other hand if you want to work on it then I can't be punished like this because it won't work. You have every right to be upset that I invaded your privacy, I wondered if you understand where I was coming from. I am going to work on myself with or without you as no one deserves to live like this and no one deserves me to be like this.
The text and words hurt, in my opinion they were over the line but I went the wrong way about it to try and confirm my fears and paranoia.
He said he is sorry and could see through my eyes why it hurt and could not be anymore adamant that they are just friends and he gets on better with women. I knew he had a female best friend in school who ended up working with him for years and married his cousin. And he had a female best friend who he worked with when we met and for a further 8 months before he left to move in with me. I have self referred for counselling, I got a phone call from them yesterday and I'm booked in for my first face to face appointment. As far as us, I think I need to build up my confidence and self esteem because I'm going to be honest, I'm scared to be alone and I do really love him, but I think it's the fear of being unloved and not enough. Which is no reason to hold on to someone. I am trying to be honest with you all and hopefully some understand. Xx

I was quite sharp with you earlier, but now sending you a most unMumsnetty hug. I hope it all works out for you.

@2023a not at all. I needed someone to tell me how my behaviour is and looks like from the outside as I can see in those moments is what my head tells me. I didn't find it sharp at all, just straight to the point words of advice and people need that xx

@Hopeless1686

I can understand your fears about the messages, but it sounds like he's guilty of nothing more than poor judgment. That's a positive. And I can also see how the lack of trust and the fear have damaged your relationship. I think he's been hurt by this, now, and in the past. It's hurt you, too.

But you seem to realise this. You're actively taking steps now to deal with your own challenges. You're doing this for you and that means accepting that the growth you make, the changes you achieve may not mend your relationship. If you put in the work and approach this as taking care of yourself, it will bring you satisfaction in your own life.

You deserve to be free of all that anxiety and doubt. You both do. Stop blaming yourself and stay on the new path you're making. Love yourself enough to do that and keep moving forward.

Im wondering if he's overstepped the mark before so it's a build up of things? It's a fine line and I feel he's crossed it and then flipped it making it about your insecurities.
I don't think many women would be happy with their other half's messaging a woman like that. I wouldn't be, nor would I send texts like that to a man I worked with.
You need to go for counselling to see if this is your insecurities or if he's using them against you when you've caught him being inappropriate on more than one occasion. Without details of the previous things it's hard to judge.
In my opinion there's no smoke without fire and if he knows how sensitive you are why is he sending messages like that?
It's easy for him to flip it and blame you for invading his privacy. If it was that innocent why didn't he just say 'look, she's a friend from work, I can text what I want' rather than keep it secret. He knows your sensitive so is blaming that rather than dealing with it like an adult. Personally, gut feeling here, he likes the attention and knows he's in the wrong. Hence why he's now blaming you.

@beenwhereyouare thank you much. That reply really touched me. I think we are both not very good with communication and how we do our communication. Im not excusing but I have been miserable lately due to stress as I'm now not co parenting with the kids father due to his behaviour and treatment of the kids and he stopped paying his CM so from Nov to February he didn't pay so Xmas was stressful but my partner supported me and paid for all of Xmas, he tries to lift me up and do things to make me smile but I admit I pushed him away. It was like walking on eggshells around me and other family members noticed but nothing could get me back to happy even though everyone tried. He probably did like laughing with her and stuff cos we didn't do that anymore. I'm chosing to believe him about them being friends but being cautious at the same time without being overly paranoid if that makes sense. I'm going to counselling to get me back and I'm actually excited to work at getting the real me back as I'm fed up of being trapped in this due to my past. I can't let the people from my past ruin my future. They were visitors in my life and they have left so I shouldn't bring them with me on my journey xx