Normality feels unattainable for me

[hellobethyname]

Just that really !

I am middle aged and been single for 4 years.

My last relationship was awful but I don't think I'll ever feel the way I felt or the love I felt for him for anyone else . I don't "fancy" people often . I absolutely loved the very bones of the man but he abusive and I had to leave for self preservation.

He has moved on (very quickly- within 3 months he was living with someone after online dating )

I tried dating . Never really hit it off with anyone and the two brief flings I had were short lived . Now I really cannot be arsed .

I've signed up for a new hobby .
I'm very happy and content as I am . I love my pets and have friends . Work is fine .

But i go to work and everyone is talking about their husbands or getting engaged and I just wonder how you ever meet anyone who would want to marry you ?

I was married once and have grown up kids . My marriage was one of convenience and while we got along as friends there was no romance or physical attraction.

My last relationship was all about physical attraction and I couldn't believe my luck when it was reciprocated. But it wasn't enough. (He was a twat to me 85% of the time ) and I walked away one day when I realised it would never change .

Now I'm ageing, a few health niggles , a bit of weight gain , menopausal, and I have given up . It's not that I'm not content in my life - I am - but I'm sort of in awe of anyone who finds that elusive spark , who meets someone they want to share a bed with or have sex with , or spend time with or who would want to spend time with them (me!)
I didn't think I was particularly hard to get along with , I'm quite happy go lucky and easy going , I'm not bad looking, (better with a stone off!) dress well, look after my appearance, am independent and financially self sufficient.

Normal happiness- relationship wise just feels completely out of my reach .

I've been chatting to a bloke online who seems really lovely but after 3 years of online dating - I darent meet him. I'm scared to do it . I've put a stone on . I think he's given up as no messages today and I am actually ok with that - I've had a gazillion first dates . Nothing dreadful apart from one nutter but I just cannot be arsed anymore. I'd rather spend Saturday night in my oodie in bed watching telly with a glass of wine and a curled up dog than faff with make up and hair .

A year ago I was way more attractive anyway .

I'm just left here scratching my head about how anyone meets someone they like enough to meet again , and the whole live with someone, engagement and marriage thing just feels about a million miles away - I think I might be past it . I'm only gonna get older and fatter and I've only ever fancied my ex .....
I keep wondering how he just moved on ?
At work there are engagements and marriages and I'm like - how's that even happen ?
I feel a pang of envy . I feel after 4 years alone im probably going to stay that way . Just a hunch . But im usually right with my hunches .

I was single for over 10yrs after splitting up with my ex (father of DC). He hurt me so much, I didn’t want to be with a man again. As that way I’d be safe from someone hurting me like he did (not cheating). I never really had that spark with him anyway, and I wondered whether a relationship was worth having, as most people I know just got sick of their DP really, away from the ‘Fakebook’ images. Then 2.5 months ago I went on a date with an ex colleague, someone I’d always fancied, and we have really hit it off. He’s so kind and caring, the sex is absolutely insane and we can both see a future. Obviously it’s very early days, but I’m trying to just go with the flow. You might find someone, I was quite happy alone, but sometimes I’d get that bit of jealously. Good luck - you never know it might come along like a bolt out of the blue like it did for me

Zanatdy that's lovely - hope things go well !

I just feel a bit "past my sell by"

I can scrub up ok but my name became a joke at the local restaurant for first dates that never went anywhere.

Haven't dated now since last year . Can't even zip up my posh frocks anymore !

I think I've missed my prime . A year ago I went away with my dd and I looked alright .

Today I realised my stomach is bigger than my tits 😂. Not a good look .

I think I'm an aquired taste. I'm too honest , I'm too old to care anymore and I'm a bit quirky apparently.

Sell by date probably was a year back .
And even then - I never fancied anyone. (Apart from the ex whose ex for a reason )

I just keep wondering how he managed to move on when he had the emotional intelligence of a chip .

While I'm sat alone . Happy enough really - taking up new hobbies and endeavouring to walk more with the hound . I'm never lonely . Just think I might be one of those eccentric little old women with a houseful of pets and a studio for pottery in the shed 😂

I just keep wondering how he managed to move on when he had the emotional intelligence of a chip There’s your answer. He’s not going to be the type for self reflection, is he?

Do you actually want another relationship? Or do you just feel like you should have one because everyone else has got one?

While I'm really content with my lot - I'd love to fall in love and have that back .
I'd love for someone to be there to ask me if I'd like a cup of tea , or check in when I'm ill.
I'd love to feel cared about . Loved - even cherished.

When my ex and I split his boss sat me down and said I deserved so much more , that deserved to be cherished , loved , and by someone who had my back .

It's just never happened. I was married a long time to man who I'm sure did love me in his own way , as I did him - but it was never romantic love . It was
Companionship. I outgrew that in my early 40s as we had met as very young teens .

He's moved on too which I'm very happy about .

I just feel I'm going to be single now . As you age - if you're already invested in someone and love them you tolerate the niggles .

I'm just past my best .
I've got lumps and bumps , aches and pains , twinkly grey hairs , I'm not a catch anymore . I'm a ray of sunshine with everyone- but no one knows me .

Im happy - content . Not unhappy .
But yes I'd have loved for things to go right with my ex and I was sad for a long time . I miss having a connection with someone, I miss intimacy and just getting a hug sometimes.
My ex once said he loved hugging me in one of those rare windows where he was pleasant to me !

I remember we were stood by a canal . He'd pointed out a pike in the river , we were alone and he came up behind me and out his arms around me and he said I love hugging you .

It's that feeling I miss .

I don't miss the other 85% of
Him being a prize twat . I just used to post here about his shenanigans and he got called a
Cunt a lot . 😂. It took me a while to ltb.
But yes 4 years later and alone - I miss those moments.

I'm just surrounded by happy couples.
So I guess I'm a bit wistful.

The thing that stands out from your posts for me is that you don’t sound like you like yourself very much. Each of your longer posts is full of comments about how you’re past your best, you’ve put on weight, you’re an acquired taste etc.

I think that you should forget about dating for a while. At least until you’ve learnt to appreciate yourself. So you may not be twenty any more. But you still need to like yourself and think that you’re worth something special, or you’ll just end up with another companion or another abuser.

You sound way too focused on appearance and ageing. We all age, men too and attraction is so much more than what we look like. You say you're content but you talk about yourself very negatively. It's as if you're talking yourself out of a relationship. I think a more positive attitude and a bit if self love is required.

I can't work out from your posts what you truly want. Do want to be allowed to just relax and give up trying? If you are genuinely happier with dog, oodie and wine in bed at night, there's no shame in that. A cosy, secure life on your own terms is fine.

But if you'd like to meet someone, honestly, I'd lose that stone that you seem very self conscious about. You could do that in a few weeks on a keto diet with some workouts thrown in to tone you up. Then you'd feel more confident and up to going on a few more dates. Stop going to that bloody local restaurant - it sounds hexed for you! Have dates where you actually do something together that you both enjoy - some shared interest.

Well, your writing style tickled me, so there's nothing wrong with your funny bone! You've got that in your favour, even if you are now gathering dust on a shelf!! It's hard isn't it. I'm very recently out of a long term relationship. He was abusive too. I haven't fancied another man for 18 years and I doubt I'm going to start now. It's easy when you're young and everyone is firm and twinkly. The very thought of touching a 50 something man's body for the first time isn't making me want to rip off my dressing gown and get up off the sofa!! So no advice from me but plenty of solidarity.

You pillock

Love the user name !

Yeah I guess that's me too. The poster who said I'm hung up in looks clearly never had a belly bigger than their boobs or pissed themselves when coughing 😂. And if my athritis gets any worse I'm gonna need a stannah ....oh and the blood pressure is high .

That's what I mean about aging - not just looks . The other shite stuff about getting older . I don't think men have to deal with as much on the health front . Don't t even start me in menopause.....

@hellobethyname do you mind me asking how old you are.....think I'm starting to be past it, I'm less interest on the dating sights, yummy catching boobs up very slowly.....it's only going one way!!!! 🔽

Terribly written!!!! I'm getting less interest on dating sites, tummy catching boobs!!!!

At the age I am I'm afraid that's it - I'm never gonna love myself more than I do now. It's only going downhill with each pelvic floor exercise and each pound gained .

I'm really - actually - ok . But who wants to be ok ?
Deliriously happy is where I'd like to be but ok is ok after the last 8 years . It's better than it was .

I'm taking up ceramics .
I am going to walk 10k steps a day if it kills me (which with my knees it might )
I laugh a lot . Like actually lose it laugh where I can't explain what I'm laughing at because I can't talk .

I'm a fairly bright breezy person , sunny disposition.

I'm not massively enamoured with what I see in the mirror these days but I'm not at the point I'm putting dust sheets over the mirrors either.....

I don't mind who I am. I'm the woman who walks into work with a stray hedgehog wrapped in a towel till I can get to vet
The woman who stops the car to move a toad out the road
The woman who won't kill spiders despite being bloody terrified.
I will help anyone . My house is often covered in stray washing , dogs and wine bottles . I like that I can stay in my pjs all day without getting told off and I like that I can leave the washing up till there's a full load to go in the dishwasher without judgement.
I like that I sleep with the small dog on the bed .
I like doing what the hell I like when I like . No tellings off and no
Guilt ! That's great.

I would like the above with cuddles and possibly sex . Someone who cares . Someone who rings me to say hi . Someone to walk with . Someone to
Cook for . Someone to admire my pinch pots and clap when I produce something from a kiln that's in one piece.
Someone who would build me a kiln would be heaven!
Cook occasionally when I can't be arsed . Pick up a bottle of Pinot on the way home . Throw a blanket over me if I've been out with the lasses and fallen asleep on the sofa . That kind of thing .

So
Wine who doesn't care if I wander in with cat I've found in a clients cupboard at work or rats or a hamster that was only fed
Chips .

Too much to ask ? Maybe when you're 20 eh ? I think at 50 it's probably pushing it .

I'm 51 this month . Youthful face . Buggered knees .

That’s better to hear! I think you sound fab and I know quite a few men who chose their current partners based on wanting those things.

I'm 45 and know I'm aging more quickly!

Well you still want sex, so that's in your favour. You stand a sporting chance if you're up for a bit of slap n tickle. I'm not bothered if I never had sex again, which makes it quite difficult to even contemplate a relationship.

I'm great
With odds but I reckon I've had about 50
Dates and sex twice 😂. 50-2 ? Do t like those odds much 😂

Sorry that should read "I'm NOT great with odds "

Well yes but the desire is still there. It's a driving force that I don't have anymore.

I think I'm an aquired taste. I'm too honest , I'm too old to care anymore and I'm a bit quirky apparently.

I recently had 3 men in two days say they'd never met anyone like me before, because I'm honest and don't wear make-up. Currently, men don't seem to be able to get enough of me.

I'm 50. I've never been married. Don't assume you're past your sell-by date.

You sound like fun company OP, so I’d say your chances of finding someone are solidly high. also agree w Pp re sex drive.

I realise this is a really fucking tedious thing to say, but the only way to find someone is to date. Everyone finds dating boring/mortifying/depressing but there is no other way of doing it.

If you felt fine about how you looked a year ago, it really can’t be that bad, so just give yourself 6 months or whatever to get your shit reasonably together and then get out there.

I am your age and also battling weight and shit knees which I made far worse before I’ve started to get them better - so please be more sensible than me and go and see a physio and get some knee strengthening exercises (or even just Google them) and build up a bit slowly (say add 200 steps a week) from where you are to 10k steps a day. And above all do not decide that running is a good idea, it is not. Weight training is good though.

Good luck.

And vary your first date locations next time 💃

I could be you, 60, lots of dates over the years, (21) the man I want attached to someone else, who he won’t leave, his choice. Nor will I ask that of him.
An estranged son from most of the family, high functioning Asperger’s.
Also have Parkinson’s, prob 5 yrs only diagnosed September last year, eye issues so can’t drive, and a couple of other unpleasant symptoms.
Have just lost my dearest cat after 11 yrs on Thursday.
i am lucky I have great friends, help with health issues, nice home, and a good life, never would choose to be single.
plots of women have abusive husbands, weight can be lost too, if you choose ( barring medications that do that)

One of the most attractive things is self confidence. If you're happy by yourself then fair enough but if you're looking for a relationship then ok cupid is good.

Nobody is past their sell by date until they die !

Nobody stays young forever

Nobody is the perfect beauty, we are all beautiful in our own way, inside & outside

We are all different

The most wonderful things that you can wear are a smile & confidence !