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Original poster

Normality feels unattainable for me

52 replies

hellobethyname · 04/02/2023 20:55

Just that really !

I am middle aged and been single for 4 years.

My last relationship was awful but I don't think I'll ever feel the way I felt or the love I felt for him for anyone else . I don't "fancy" people often . I absolutely loved the very bones of the man but he abusive and I had to leave for self preservation.

He has moved on (very quickly- within 3 months he was living with someone after online dating )

I tried dating . Never really hit it off with anyone and the two brief flings I had were short lived . Now I really cannot be arsed .

I've signed up for a new hobby .
I'm very happy and content as I am . I love my pets and have friends . Work is fine .

But i go to work and everyone is talking about their husbands or getting engaged and I just wonder how you ever meet anyone who would want to marry you ?

I was married once and have grown up kids . My marriage was one of convenience and while we got along as friends there was no romance or physical attraction.

My last relationship was all about physical attraction and I couldn't believe my luck when it was reciprocated. But it wasn't enough. (He was a twat to me 85% of the time ) and I walked away one day when I realised it would never change .

Now I'm ageing, a few health niggles , a bit of weight gain , menopausal, and I have given up . It's not that I'm not content in my life - I am - but I'm sort of in awe of anyone who finds that elusive spark , who meets someone they want to share a bed with or have sex with , or spend time with or who would want to spend time with them (me!)
I didn't think I was particularly hard to get along with , I'm quite happy go lucky and easy going , I'm not bad looking, (better with a stone off!) dress well, look after my appearance, am independent and financially self sufficient.

Normal happiness- relationship wise just feels completely out of my reach .

I've been chatting to a bloke online who seems really lovely but after 3 years of online dating - I darent meet him. I'm scared to do it . I've put a stone on . I think he's given up as no messages today and I am actually ok with that - I've had a gazillion first dates . Nothing dreadful apart from one nutter but I just cannot be arsed anymore. I'd rather spend Saturday night in my oodie in bed watching telly with a glass of wine and a curled up dog than faff with make up and hair .

A year ago I was way more attractive anyway .

I'm just left here scratching my head about how anyone meets someone they like enough to meet again , and the whole live with someone, engagement and marriage thing just feels about a million miles away - I think I might be past it . I'm only gonna get older and fatter and I've only ever fancied my ex .....
I keep wondering how he just moved on ?
At work there are engagements and marriages and I'm like - how's that even happen ?
I feel a pang of envy . I feel after 4 years alone im probably going to stay that way . Just a hunch . But im usually right with my hunches .

OP posts:
ManAboutTown · 05/02/2023 04:45

@hellobethyname - so much of what you have written resonates with me.

Been on my own for a few years now and I'd like to meet someone but in late middle age you aren't often in situations where it will happen unless you do OLD or social clubs which both feel uncomfortable to me.

I'm certainly no George Clooney (my belly is definitely bigger than my boobs LOL) but I enjoy a lot of things in life - going to sports, Shakespeare, gigs, exhibitions at art galleries, eating out, travel, reading - and would rather share this with someone

SummerWinds · 05/02/2023 05:53

You sound like your in love with the idea of being in love.
I personally think relationships are overrated.
I am in my 50s, single and l think it's lovely that l have this time for me, yet l know a lot of single people who can't wait to lose their precious freedom and are forever chasing after a dream.
I am lucky l am in good health, fit and very actice, I 've noticed that most men my own age arent.
Enjoy your life at any stage, that's my advice.

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 06:02

Other couples aren’t necessarily happy. You’re assuming they are. But frankly there are lots who are only together for convenience. It’s ok if you don’t find love again - imo you’re lucky to have had it once, to have had that experience in your life. Lots of people just settle for a companion who isn’t a great love. Lots of people marry for practical and financial reasons not for love. And whoever you end up with will be similarly over the hill, being old isn’t a big deal because you’re both old.

Pinkknits2 · 05/02/2023 13:00

I'm 48 and I do ok. It's honestly not all about looks and I don't think a he matters as much as you think. My current partner is 34 and doesn't care about my age. In my oppinion it's mostly self confidence that people find attractive. If you don't value yourself then you end up with people who don't value you.

zonky · 05/02/2023 13:10

SummerWinds · 05/02/2023 05:53

You sound like your in love with the idea of being in love.
I personally think relationships are overrated.
I am in my 50s, single and l think it's lovely that l have this time for me, yet l know a lot of single people who can't wait to lose their precious freedom and are forever chasing after a dream.
I am lucky l am in good health, fit and very actice, I 've noticed that most men my own age arent.
Enjoy your life at any stage, that's my advice.

A lot of people comprise the way you did in your marriage, because they wanted children/the status quo etc.but wouldn't dare to admit it to others.

xfan · 05/02/2023 13:11

Pinkknits2 · 05/02/2023 13:00

I'm 48 and I do ok. It's honestly not all about looks and I don't think a he matters as much as you think. My current partner is 34 and doesn't care about my age. In my oppinion it's mostly self confidence that people find attractive. If you don't value yourself then you end up with people who don't value you.

Out of interest, does he want children?

Pinkknits2 · 05/02/2023 13:13

No. I rarely encounter anyone in their 30s who wants children.

Original poster
hellobethyname · 05/02/2023 20:16

Well the guy I was chatting with has gone awol last 2 days so I'm guessing he got a better offer !

I do keep taking breaks from OLD because it's such hard work .

I'm not terribly bothered but I'd been chatting both on phone and WhatsApp to this bloke - seemed nice enough. But online is so fickle . It bores me .

OP posts:
Original poster
hellobethyname · 05/02/2023 20:21

Is sent a couple of messages yesterday but no reply so I'm not sending any more .

Decided to go in a dog walk in lunch break tomorrow - did it yesterday, saw a deer , listened to the birds , knee felt better.

Maybe meeting someone more organically is better . I'm waiting for my ceramics course to start . Working now in office 3 days a week so not lonely .

OP posts:
Pinkknits2 · 05/02/2023 20:38

You assume he's got a better offer. He could be sick or have an emergency.

Arseulaundress · 05/02/2023 20:41

I'm 51, too. Definitely creakier than I was with some grey hair at my temples. But I got married last October to a wonderful woman a decade younger than me. I have regular and very satisfying sex, and a real sense of a joint future with my wife. My life is still evolving, with new chapters ahead. I am currently re-training for a new career which could sustain me into my sixties.

Hearing you write yourself off is depressing - you've plenty of time ahead of you yet, and it's clear from your posts you'd be a great catch - funny, self-aware, multi-talented, kind to animals, interested in the world...

Concentrate on feeling as healthy as you can. Yoga, healthy eating, fresh air. Join clubs to meet people, rather than dating. Focus on the good things and eventually someone will come along, I'm sure.

Original poster
hellobethyname · 05/02/2023 20:41

Nah been on line dating for 3 years! He's been in touch daily for 2 weeks . I know the signs ! I'm really not bothered tbh .

OP posts:
Arseulaundress · 05/02/2023 20:44

The best way to 'win' in this situation is to simply not mind either way. If you are single you'll have lonely days, and you can embrace them. Reach out to friends. Do something comforting. And remember, those in relationships are contending with all sorts of challenges single people don't have.

Original poster
hellobethyname · 05/02/2023 20:49

Arseulaundress · 05/02/2023 20:44

The best way to 'win' in this situation is to simply not mind either way. If you are single you'll have lonely days, and you can embrace them. Reach out to friends. Do something comforting. And remember, those in relationships are contending with all sorts of challenges single people don't have.

I really am . I do count my blessings daily . I enjoy my own company and I enjoy this "me time" as I had my kids you g so my 20s and 30s were all about them . I'm planning goi g on holiday this year - alone which is fine - I'm fairly confident. No dramas . I have friends I see often and I work 3 days in the office so I get the banter and company I need , and the also the solitude and privacy I also need . It's a nice balance . I feel good . I'm not desperate for anything more . I'm content .

OP posts:
Twawmyarse2 · 05/02/2023 20:57

hellobethyname · 04/02/2023 22:57

I'm 51 this month . Youthful face . Buggered knees .

Good grief, the way you were talking I thought you were going to say about 70!

You talk like a very old person - you really seem to believe you’re “past it” - I’m 40 and have plenty of friends in their late 40’s who aren’t giving up on life yet - no way - and my dh is 53 and sexy as hell!! He never thinks of himself as old, exercises every day and has a very young mindset - I don’t even notice the age difference between us - he’s fitter and more energetic than I am!

Stop talking to yourself negatively is my opinion - do a bit of exercise each day and eat healthily and you’ll probably start feeling abit more positive about yourself. Only then should you start looking out for your next stage in life - you can’t expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself.

Well done for getting out of the abusive relationship - better to be single than with a tosspot.

Original poster
hellobethyname · 05/02/2023 21:12

I think I feel 70 - last year I was running 3 times a week

Now I feel old . I feel better now I've let go of the hope of more tbh.

I'm really looking forward to my ceramics course .

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 05/02/2023 21:34

You sound like a lovely person op. I really understand where you are coming from though op.

Lizzy1328 · 05/02/2023 23:10

Restart your running, sounds like you're making inroads into a bettter hesdspace.

I've tried to put less emphasis on my OLD, it's helping. I exercise regularly, got Botox for the first time a year ago, I'm not as thin as I was, but still trying to make the best of myself. X

FrozenGhost · 06/02/2023 02:27

To be fair OP, you know exactly how people do it, because you've done it. You've been married and had your kids. I'm guessing if multiple people at your work are getting engaged and talking about it a lot, they are younger. So they are just doing exactly what you did at their age. And they will be where you are now when they are your age. I'm sure they are happy but their relationships won't be significantly different to how yours was at first - everyones marriage is a mix of love and convenience, everyones partner has flaws.

5128gap · 06/02/2023 12:41

Good grief woman! You're three years younger than me and talking like you could be my mother! Stop with all this past it nonsense. Its a self fulfilling prophecy.
Your precious body has taken you through half a century, and will no doubt bare some of the signs of that, but its no less lovely for it and you need to start viewing it as vintage and beautiful.
If your weight is the major issue is seems then you could lose it. (I lost two stone at 50 and feel better for it but tbh it takes a fair bit of self denial.) Or alternatively, accept it, and join the young women celebrating their curves.
You have bags of humour, personality and wisdom and still (with luck) nearly half your adult life ahead of you. You also seem to have the ability to appreciate the good things in your life, which is very attractive.
I would be willing to bet there is a man out there who'd be delighted to marry you. The challenge is finding one good enough. So in the meantime keep enjoying what you have.

Original poster
hellobethyname · 06/02/2023 16:27

Thank you maybe I just need to shake myself !

I have forced myself out for a dog walk today - the knee grumbled but I did it anyway . Sun was shining , very pleasant. Feel better for it .

Still heard nothing from the OLD bloke so guess he's a gonner ! I'm not that bothered.

I'm going to take a sabbatical from that swamp anyway !

I'm going to concentrate a bit on me - and chivvy up the potter whose class I'm waiting to join ! I am so excited about that !

OP posts:
psychstudent8 · 06/02/2023 16:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as we don't allow research on the main talk boards.

Original poster
hellobethyname · 06/02/2023 17:37

Ooo what did I miss ? Research ? On what !

OP posts:
Original poster
hellobethyname · 07/02/2023 23:55

Well . The guy I was chatting with from an OLD site has definitely fucked off .

Do I simply ignore , block , unmatch ?

We were speaking daily in WhatsApp but nothing now for days - it's fine but I do t want him coming back when whatever has turned his head does the same to
Him ! I can't be arsed ! I haven't blocked or unmatched or messaged as my last messages went unanswered.

OP posts:
ForThisUn · 07/02/2023 23:59

Youpillock · 04/02/2023 22:32

Well, your writing style tickled me, so there's nothing wrong with your funny bone! You've got that in your favour, even if you are now gathering dust on a shelf!! It's hard isn't it. I'm very recently out of a long term relationship. He was abusive too. I haven't fancied another man for 18 years and I doubt I'm going to start now. It's easy when you're young and everyone is firm and twinkly. The very thought of touching a 50 something man's body for the first time isn't making me want to rip off my dressing gown and get up off the sofa!! So no advice from me but plenty of solidarity.

Maybe you just haven't met the right 50 plus year old man 😂

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