If you live with someone who is very negative and you are not, how to you cope?

[freez]

Ltb is not an option so I need some practical advice.

I need a book or podcast to keep me on track. I need to wrap myself in a protective cloak to keep out his bloody misery and negativity. It's exhausting.

Is he negative towards you, or about things you do?

Or does he have a negative outlook on life in general (external events, the state of the world), but is happy in your relationship?

My dp is the latter - negative about external things.

Two main things I do: firstly, I find my own sources of positivity - friends, nature, all the things that bouy up my natural positivity and optimism; and secondly I call him out on his attitude - challenge him directly, compare him with his similarly negative parent, encourage him to engage in the things he finds positive.

If the negativity was aimed at me, the family, things I did, how I cooked etc. I would ltb.

Do you have children? Is he depressed?
My DH is generally pretty negative/doom and gloom/non enthusiastic about anything.
I over compensate by being the total opposite. I find having the kids brightens the place up and lets him be miserable if he chooses without impacting my state of mind. He has been diagnosed as clinically depressed and is on medication however I think a lot of it is just his personality.

@venusandmars interesting you say that, my DH's parents are also extremely negative and always see the worse case scenario in very situation, it can be exhausting!

mentally detached and built a life pretty much separate to theirs. Becoming financially equal was also a game changer. Essentially you become indifferent but also have to accept that what you have is not really a marriage.

oddly it was the only way to induce a shift in their negativity I think they know I don’t give a shit and I just quietly leave the room if they start. When there’s no one bothering to try to jolly you through life anymore I guess you learn to shut up a bit!

This.

Also I find matching their energy quite good. They are so used to me trying to be positive if I go a rant with them then they instantly change their tune and try to defend whatever it is.

Also say "I don't have the capacity to go on your emotional rollercoaster with you just now" and crack on with my life, find positivity elsewhere, friends, hobbies, holidays etc.

Build up your resources of things you like to do just for yourself / that you enjoy (away from DP/DH) as many of these activities as possible & spend time with friends / family / in nature/outdoors.

Imagine yourself encased in e.g. a big protective bubblewrap suit, then imagine the negative comments bouncing off the suit, unable to penetrate through to you. Also check out 'pratyahara' as a yogic principle - it's not actually designed for this purpose but may be quite handy.

• Minimise time spent together: people are usually very boring and do the same patterns, go to the same rooms follow the same routine. If he ends up in the kitchen, make dinner ahead, have a headphone on and say you're listening to a podcast or an audiobook, try to cook things that don't take long or cook in advance and reheat or cook when he is away. If he moans when you are together in the car, try not to be in the car with him and so on.

• Zone out when they talk, cultivate a rich inner world and escape to it when times are tough

• If you must reply keep what you say neutral (I see, OK, that's interesting, no I didn't know, I suppose so, a nod. I sometimes even said you're right or you do have a point there just to shut them up. Be careful in that you don't end up leading them to talk more so avoid questions. You need to half listen though so you're not agreeing to awful stuff.

• Minimise or cancel other sources of misery: I stopped watching news for example. I don't even watch sad tv shows or read sad triggering books or social media posts, I unfollowed many annoying and negative people.

• Surround yourself with your own hobbies, positive people (even if they aren't your real life friends, they could be a funny comedian, a nice show that lifts you up on tv or radio or podcast, they could be someone funny and wise to follow on social media and of course if you have someone in real life even better nurture that relationship and make effort with them)

• Find an outlet like running, boxing classes, swimming, drawing.. something where you can vent your frustration. I used to go for daily walks in nature - amazingly helpful and because they became routine it wasn't used against me as 'running away' they knew I did it everyday regardless of what else is happened or what was said.

• Make a plan and dream about your life without them. Anything from saving up money to researching where you would live to decluttering so moving out is faster and easier, even things like working on your dream body so you're confident and ready to have sex with someone new when the time comes. If that's not even something you care about, you could work on your financial health: investment, savings for the children, basically prepping for your freedom and future of children if any.

Basically it's grey rocking and making long term escape plans.

Start writing a novel and work on it in your head when the negative person is droning on. You don't have to publish it, but maybe you will.

Yes I understand, DH can be like this, his mum is worse!

I found it helped as I had done some work on CBT in the past. I could identify things like when they are catastrophising, taking things personally, for example.

Mainly a negative attitude to life and their outlook on things.

I can't possibly leave financially and I do not want to only have my kids 50% of the time.

I spent a few years building up my own happiness with work, friends and my children and basically disengaged from him.

Then lockdowns happened and I was restricted in how I could manage. I turned to yoga and meditation to help me through it and started making plans to leave.

Essentially living with such a negative, draining person was not sustainable, as lockdown showed me. We split and I have never been happier. Try to make an escape plan and use entitledto to see how you'd be on your own. My kids go to him usually 1 night per week, he pays CMS, I get UC and it's so much better than I had realised. Now I wish I'd done it sooner instead of putting up with it in fear of money and 50/50. I realise now it wasn't a healthy way to live. I hope you can make a plan to get out and take care of yourself OP.

I think u should have a look at the 4 personality types. Air, water, fire and earth.
It sounds like your guy is an earth. Their personality makes them look at many things in life with a negative view rather then positive. This dsnt mean they are a bad person as thats just how they think. You sound like you are an air or water. Some people can be a bit of both.

Your children seeing you (and in turn them) being treated like this will have a deleterious effect on them too. You cannot protect your own self from him whilst you are under the same roof; trying to protect your kids from this is impossible. They are not stupid and they will pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken.

Do you really think that such a man would actually want, let alone be bothered about dealing with, his children half the week?. He may likely only threaten such as a means of further browbeating you and or as a way of avoiding paying maintenance.

No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable. Its not easy to leave but its a damn sight harder to stay and the longer you remain with him, the harder it will seem to actually get out.

My DH has a tendency to be very critical. I do anything, big or small, and he feels it’s his job to point out where I have gone wrong. Often it’s a matter of opinion, or I am aware of the shortcomings anyway, but do it that way because it’s the least worst option.

My approach is to say ‘what is your positive suggestion?’ Often he can’t think of a better way./ improving a situation. Appreciate this might not be relevant to you, but the same phrase repeated everytime, then a refusal to engage if the criticism / negativity continues ( oh, I see you can’t manage to suggest a better way ‘…. Then walk off), helps me at least!

I repeat back what he's said to me in eeyores voice.

To be fair he's not that bad but gets pessimistic when overwhelmed.

Same here. Very negative parents. One parent was depressed so not sure if it's nature or nurture but to be honest that's irrelevant.

I can't believe this is my actual one and only life and I'm with someone so miserable.

This exactly sums up what's happening. I feel detached and like I don't care for them.

Why do you stay?

I'm hoping because we have young kids that it's a very bad patch that will get better.
I'm not financially on the same footing as I want to be at home until the kids go to school. I mean I really want to do that and I'd very much resent not doing that to be financially equal. I have full access to all our money.

And this is the likely outcome for your DCs if this continues - they will absorb and internalise his doom / gloom / criticism as well as your energy of detachment, preoccupation any stress even if you try to hide it.

Mediation/prayer
Dog walks alone (audible/podcasts lots of Gabor Mate, Adyashanti, Eckhart Tolle)
Breathing exercises
A eucalyptus bath every morning
Avoidance and minimal interaction with in-house neghead while still being compassionate to their needs (but knowing when to pull up the drawbridge)

My divorce is about to become absolute.
LTB may go from ‘not being an option’ to being essential to your need to stay alive (and that’s no exaggeration).
Keep an open mind, is all I’m suggesting.

Meditation not mediation

Definitely immerse yourself in your career, OP. If you can focus on growing financial independence, you’ll give yourself the greatest gift.
Haven’t read the full thread but spiritual strength and financial independence are more than vital!

My 'd'p is pretty negative, again he was brought up that way. His family's motto apart from 'never trust anyone' is 'shall we do X or not bother?' I think the 'not bother' is telling, that's not the way that my family ever speak about things as if a family day out is an inconvenience.
My way around the negativity is to do things without him, holidays, days out etc, earn my own money, have good friends and also prove him wrong.

Call him out in it, say that’s five negative things you’ve said in a row, you’re dragging me down. My DH gets offended about that but it stops him spiralling and bringing me down with him.
If he’s a ‘refuser’ and puts blockers in the way of trips or days out, plan your own days out and time away, make sure your Perdue your own interests.