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Original poster

If you live with someone who is very negative and you are not, how to you cope?

59 replies

freez · 03/02/2023 13:04

Ltb is not an option so I need some practical advice.

I need a book or podcast to keep me on track. I need to wrap myself in a protective cloak to keep out his bloody misery and negativity. It's exhausting.

OP posts:
Orders76 · 04/02/2023 09:47

There's a stage for empathy, and ongoing empathy but in day to day life you have to be allowed happiness too.
In practical steps, the first one really is you must care less. Tune out when the negativity starts and limit the time stood there listening to it.
Make sure you get enough exercise. Finally, music is a wonderful salve, lots of it on speaker in the house as it's your space too and music will lift your mood.

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 04/02/2023 10:08

Watching as sadly in the same sort of position. It’s bleak and exhausting.

Orangesandlemons77 · 04/02/2023 11:22

I'm having a lot of negativity about my health at the moment. I have Shingles (diagnosed and being treated)

I'm getting negative comments about being a hypochondriac and a junkie.

I'm in a lot of pain. It's odd as he also has a chronic illness. I wonder if some of it is denial. I'm not sure, but it is really not helpful.

Botw1 · 04/02/2023 11:27

If you're willing to stay with him and be miserable so you don't have to work then you can't moan about it

Orangesandlemons77 · 04/02/2023 11:36

Botw1 · 04/02/2023 11:27

If you're willing to stay with him and be miserable so you don't have to work then you can't moan about it

Was this to me?

babbi · 04/02/2023 11:39

OP I’m sorry that you are in this situation.
I would urge you to really think about this and what your next move should be.
You’re on here asking for coping strategies to deal with living in a miserable environment .
it’s affecting you badly and you’re an adult , it will be so much worse for your children ( don’t think for one moment that it’s not affecting them - trust me in that - and it carries through to adulthood with some children)

You only get one life , live it and give your children a happier and positive start in life .

Botw1 · 04/02/2023 11:39

@Orangesandlemons77

No.

To the op.

She says she can't leave because she doesn't want to have to work until the kids are at school

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/02/2023 11:40

Pretend you are a psychiatrist and preserve a neutral expression while mentally making brief notes about his pathology?

Hellonewgerw · 04/02/2023 11:55

I feel for you, I’m going through the same thing.

ethermint · 04/02/2023 18:17

at the very least you can draw some boundaries with your partner e.g. they must get therapy / regular exercise etc, you can make it a dealbreaker and discuss what could happen if they don't do this. Have an open convo with them and be clear it's bringing you down. Get a therapist for yourself too.

Restinggoddess · 04/02/2023 18:43

Call him out on it or ask him what he thinks are the positives ( in life / anything)
if it continues, you need to say how you are affected by his negativity and the impact it has on you
if he doesn’t buck up after that then suggest marriage guidance/ counselling - this may bring him to his senses

Being happy is a choice

category12 · 04/02/2023 18:50

If he brings you down like this, maybe it's not great for the kids either to be in this atmosphere?

It's all very well staying so you can be a SAHP, but if you're all living under the cloud of his mood and negativity, it will impact them too.

Original poster
freez · 04/02/2023 18:55

Botw1 · 04/02/2023 11:27

If you're willing to stay with him and be miserable so you don't have to work then you can't moan about it

Reasons I am staying:

Financially: we've just bought a house and couldn't afford to move.

Children are very young and I don't know how much is the pressure of young kids on us and extreme tiredness.

I don't want to just pack it in and give up.

I don't want to have my children only 50% of the time.

And yes I want to be a stay at home parent. I do a couple of hours a week working from home and that suits me.

OP posts:
Original poster
freez · 04/02/2023 18:56

Hellonewgerw · 04/02/2023 11:55

I feel for you, I’m going through the same thing.

Why are you staying?

OP posts:
category12 · 04/02/2023 18:58

The 50/50 thing isn't that common still, what makes you think he would want that?

What's his engagement like with the children?

betrayedandwobbly · 04/02/2023 18:59

Realising you have a joy sucker in the house is an important starting point

I think there is some excellent advice on this thread.

And I'd add that, every now and again, challenge the negative. Actually ask him what his problem with XYZ is, because he's so utterly negative about it. Chances are he'll deny being negative, so try "that's not how it came across" but do not pursue further. Because you can't talk him out of it, but you can make sure he knows he's doing it

Original poster
freez · 04/02/2023 19:05

category12 · 04/02/2023 18:50

If he brings you down like this, maybe it's not great for the kids either to be in this atmosphere?

It's all very well staying so you can be a SAHP, but if you're all living under the cloud of his mood and negativity, it will impact them too.

I am very very conscious of this and off anything this is what will tip us over the edge to split up.

Monday to Friday it's just me and the kids so it's all happy days then but I do dread the weekends and I know that's not how life should be for any of us.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 04/02/2023 19:07

@freez

The middle 2 are reasonable but regardless of reason, and presuming you've discussed his behaviour and told him you'll leave if it doesn't stop and he knows you mean it, if you don't want to leave then my answer remains the same

No point moaning

ManchesterGirl2 · 04/02/2023 19:29

What does he say about? I presume you've discussed it?

Original poster
freez · 04/02/2023 21:04

He says that's how he is. He says I knew what he was like when when we got together. That's a fair point.

He said he needs more in his life and he doesn't see his friends anymore. I say that's because he doesn't arrange anything. He has work and studies and he's very conscious about money.

He says he feels like I'm forever berating him about his parenting. I feel bad about that. I do step in if he's parenting negatively. I'm so scared of the kids being exposed to his negativity.

There's a fair bit to fix and I'm not blameless.

OP posts:
Restinggoddess · 04/02/2023 21:35

So he knows he is negative but makes no effort to address this??
The only thing we can control
is our own behaviour.
If he is not prepared to deal with his negativity, has he considered that happy people live longer ??
We all have choices in life ….

BumpyaDaisyevna · 05/02/2023 07:57

freez · 04/02/2023 21:04

He says that's how he is. He says I knew what he was like when when we got together. That's a fair point.

He said he needs more in his life and he doesn't see his friends anymore. I say that's because he doesn't arrange anything. He has work and studies and he's very conscious about money.

He says he feels like I'm forever berating him about his parenting. I feel bad about that. I do step in if he's parenting negatively. I'm so scared of the kids being exposed to his negativity.

There's a fair bit to fix and I'm not blameless.

I do wonder if the "he earns - you stay at home and raise the kids" model is part of this.

I get that you prefer it this way - but what effect does it have on him to be the only provider? I can see why he worries about money.

Does he really resent you over this and feel angry with you but can't express it so makes life miserable for you instead?

ManchesterGirl2 · 05/02/2023 08:16

It seems to me that you are being a bit unfair on him. You've decided that you don't like an aspect of his character, that you admit was there from the start. He is working full time, so has little free time alongside parenting, and when he does parent you criticise the way he interacts with the kids.

You seem not to like him, but want to stay and take the money so that you get your preference of being home with the kids. I wonder if he senses that? Maybe you would be less cheery yourself if you had to do a full time job to support a partner who seemed unhappy with you.

It sounds a bit of a miserable situation for both of you, and a vicious cycle.

freezingpompoms · 05/02/2023 11:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

purpledalmation · 06/02/2023 13:26

Mentally leave. Don't engage. Don't offer comment Don't criticise. Leave the room. Separate bedrooms if possible where you can be alone. Make a life outside the marriage

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