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Original poster

When dating would you tell the guy you have kids

65 replies

Bluesandtwos7 · 01/02/2023 11:48

I’m a single mother and I just instinctively felt like I shouldn’t put out there that I have kids when dating until I get to a point when I feel comfortable that they are into me as a person. I feel labelling myself as a single mother at the first place it gives men permission to treat you badly and less deserving and it gets so messy!!! Not lying but not being upfront about it straight away ! What does everyone else do?!

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 01/02/2023 11:51

If I was dating someone who didn't tell me they had children until I was properly into them I would end it immediately. It changes everything, the entire dynamic of a relationship. And they don't fully know you as a person because having kids is part of you as a person. I would see it as dishonest and false pretences.
I've always told them immediately.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/02/2023 11:53

Yes of course you have to tell them. They may have no interest in children whatsoever.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/02/2023 11:53

Yes. When dating I wouldn’t have considered men with children and it would have been a total waste of both of our times if they’d suddenly announced on date three or whatever that they were parents because it would have been an immediate dumping.

Telling people you’re a single mum doesn’t open you up to being treated badly. Believing that you aren’t worthy of good treatment, having poor boundaries, and allowing people to treat you badly, is what gets you treated badly. If you’ve been treated badly in previous relationships then you need to work on yourself (therapy, Freedom Programme, staying single and learning your self worth) before putting yourself in a position where people can take advantage of you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2023 11:53

Loads of men and women don’t want to date parents so you’re lying by omission to not tell someone you’re seeing that you’ve got kids.

Isn’t it something you’d want to know about the other person?

SpinningFloppa · 01/02/2023 11:55

I think it’s fine to not put it on your profile (OLD) but definitely tell someone before meeting.

Amperoblue · 01/02/2023 11:55

Straight away. Why wouldn’t you?
If they like you enough they’ll stick around anyway. Good way of weeding out the unsuitable ones.
( I was visibly pregnant when I met my now husband)

gogohmm · 01/02/2023 11:56

I had information to that effect on my profile. It's no secret, not interested in a man who couldn't accept that I have (adult) kids and didn't want any more

PinkPantherPaws · 01/02/2023 11:59

You're just risking wasting your time and theirs.

I have children - but if I was single and dating, I wouldn't consider a man with young dc, under teen years. I have zero interest in that type of baggage. If I found out x dates down the line, I'd end it.

BunnyBerries · 01/02/2023 11:59

But surely then it's common sense you'd want to tell every guy straight away, to make sure you are able to screen out the kind of guys who treat you badly or as less deserving?!

Developing a bond with someone first is absolutely not going to cure them of that!

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2023 12:01

Amperoblue · 01/02/2023 11:55

Straight away. Why wouldn’t you?
If they like you enough they’ll stick around anyway. Good way of weeding out the unsuitable ones.
( I was visibly pregnant when I met my now husband)

If they like you and they’re happy to date a parent they’ll stick around.

It’s not a moral judgement but a matter of personal preference. I say that as a step mum. It’s not for everyone. That’s okay.

Fuckstix · 01/02/2023 12:05

Tell people straight away, before you meet if OLD. Before you have a date if you've already met in person. Plenty of people don't want to date those with kids so it'll only be a waste of your time and theirs.

Ok, maybe people should ask/make this clear (preempting such comments) but I think it's a big enough part of someone's life and commitments that they could be expected to be forthcoming with it.

As PP says, you protect yourself and your kids by having solid boundaries and a high bar, and by not introducing your children until things are established. Not by omitting this major fact about your life. I wouldn't be, and in the past haven't been, impressed when I've got ready for a date, even had several, with a man only for him to casually toss this into conversation.

Start relationships on an open footing and be alert for wrongun behaviour way before you involve your kids or allow it to become a pattern towards you.

9thFloorNightmare · 01/02/2023 12:07

Upfront straight away - they can take it and leave it

Last guy I was going out with I told him straight away and he was taken a back - later on I asked him about it and he said he was thinking "what did it mean to him"

He was also very upfront about not wanting kids which suited me fine
And I was clear about not looking for a step dad to my kid and never even brought up my kid in conversations as our dates was a break from me being a mum

Few months later he bailed out - mainly because I didn't have as much free time (I also worked 8-4 but he was his own boss and flexible with his time) - and couldn't be spontaneous - as a child free lady, everything would have to be planned to my child free weekends (my DD was younger back then)

He dropped me - he didn't explicitly cited the reason was because I was a single mother but this was a huge part of it I am sure

So even when they know it is not guaranteed they can handle it, imagine if they are taken by surprise?

*fast forward, my kid is pretty much independent and I work flexibly with tons of free time- he missed out and his loss

9thFloorNightmare · 01/02/2023 12:09

9thFloorNightmare · 01/02/2023 12:07

Upfront straight away - they can take it and leave it

Last guy I was going out with I told him straight away and he was taken a back - later on I asked him about it and he said he was thinking "what did it mean to him"

He was also very upfront about not wanting kids which suited me fine
And I was clear about not looking for a step dad to my kid and never even brought up my kid in conversations as our dates was a break from me being a mum

Few months later he bailed out - mainly because I didn't have as much free time (I also worked 8-4 but he was his own boss and flexible with his time) - and couldn't be spontaneous - as a child free lady, everything would have to be planned to my child free weekends (my DD was younger back then)

He dropped me - he didn't explicitly cited the reason was because I was a single mother but this was a huge part of it I am sure

So even when they know it is not guaranteed they can handle it, imagine if they are taken by surprise?

*fast forward, my kid is pretty much independent and I work flexibly with tons of free time- he missed out and his loss

take it or leave it*

Aposterhasnoname · 01/02/2023 12:20

There was a thread on here not Long ago from a woman that found out after a few weeks the bloke she was dating had a son. She was upset and the general consensus was dump him for lying buy omission.

watchingpullimgepisode6 · 01/02/2023 12:20

My DH said one of the reasons we had a date was because I did have a child.
I won't put good people off.

BlokeHereInPeace · 01/02/2023 12:21

Yes.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 01/02/2023 12:24

It should be pretty much up there with "what's your name and how old are you?". Something you should tell someone before you even agree to a first date.

HiKelsey · 01/02/2023 12:30

I personally didn't put it on my dating profile but if we'd spoken for 3 or 4 days and talked about meeting up then I mentioned it. I felt like as a young mum I wanted someone to get to know me and not just label me as a 'young mum'. Worked out for me as my partner absolutely loves my DD and welcomed her with open arms but a few guys I was chatting too said unfortunately it isn't for them and I fully understood

cadink · 01/02/2023 12:32

Right up front otherwise it's wierd

DestinysGrandchild · 01/02/2023 12:37

If I went on a date with someone and they didn't tell me they had kids when we first met it would be weird and I would wonder if he was a good dad.
I don't get why you wouldn't just say?

Pinky1011 · 01/02/2023 12:37

I personally don't mention it. There are many many pedos and weirdos out there who specifically target single mums in a bid to get close to their kids. I would only tell them once I'm comfortable that there are of good moral character. Yeah he may not be happy about it, but if he really is serious about you he'd understand. You have a duty of care to your children first and foremost above anyone feelings.

TurtleTriplets · 01/02/2023 12:39

I wouldn't put it on my dating profile for fear of attracting predators but would mention before we went on a date that I was a parent. Probably not disclosing age or sex of the children and certainly wouldn't be introducing them any time soon.

I wouldn't date a man with kids so would hate to get attached to someone and then have to walk away. It is an absolute deal breaker for me.

Pseudonamed · 01/02/2023 12:44

Definitely say it upfront. It is underhanded not to.

worstusernameeverx2 · 01/02/2023 12:45

You dont Have a choice- you have to tell them

Slackbladder22 · 01/02/2023 12:47

I’m a single dad who’s just started OLD. It’s literally the first thing I wrote in my profile. I’m sure it put a few people off swiping right but that just means less time wasters.

And women putting they had kids didn’t put me off swiping right (the filtered to all hell photos did that!!)

I think you need to be upfront right from the start on something that huge.