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Original poster

When dating would you tell the guy you have kids

65 replies

Bluesandtwos7 · 01/02/2023 11:48

I’m a single mother and I just instinctively felt like I shouldn’t put out there that I have kids when dating until I get to a point when I feel comfortable that they are into me as a person. I feel labelling myself as a single mother at the first place it gives men permission to treat you badly and less deserving and it gets so messy!!! Not lying but not being upfront about it straight away ! What does everyone else do?!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2023 12:47

Very underhanded not to mention it. My son went on three dates with a woman he never would have if he knew she had children. It's not fair to anyone.

XmasElf10 · 01/02/2023 13:12

I always say up front and make it clear in early convos that she has a dad and doesn’t need another one and that it will be a HUGELY long time before any new guy meets her.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 01/02/2023 13:14

This is why I keep putting off dating, there are so many weirdos out there who target single mums but I couldn't not tell someone I had children before dating them. I definitely wouldn't put it on my profile.

nc1013 · 01/02/2023 13:17

If it's going to put a man off, it's going to put a man off. No point in waiting x number of weeks to fool him into getting to know you first with the hope it'll change is mind about dating a single mother.

If someone I'm chatting to has no interest in dating a single mother the sooner I know the better and I can move on without wasting either of our time

BCBird · 01/02/2023 13:18

I would want to know straight away as I have no interest in dating someone with dependent children.

Shopper727 · 01/02/2023 13:19

Of course you say, gives a man the opportunity to scroll past if that’s not what he is looking for. Yes there are dodgy people out there, but the majority of us I’d hope would be very cautious about who we meet up with and take time and be serious with someone before introducing a man to our kids?

current boyfriend been on scene 4 years, never been alone with children - mine are older. Has his own place I have mine. Kids all like him and it’s great but I made sure he was right and things were going somewhere before he met them, it was their choice too. It’s hard being a single parent and you do have to take care with who your children are coming into contact with but being honest about them too, I had one guy who was fab both really liked each other but he’d not read profile properly and missed the kids bit was stunned when he realised I just assumed he knew. Was not a nice situation

WhatNoRaisins · 01/02/2023 13:19

Even if the person is open to dating someone with children its not a good way to start a relationship. It's a massive lie of omission and you'd wonder what else they aren't telling you.

SmileyClare · 01/02/2023 13:21

Weirdos out there who target single mums

I see your point and no need to advertise children on your profile but not telling a man before meeting up is deceptive.

The way you protect your dc is not letting a date come anywhere near them; not introducing them to him or bringing him into your home.

Skyeheather · 01/02/2023 13:22

Tell them before the first date - I had a "I don't date anyone with kids" rule and it was so disappointing to get ready for a first date and really look forward to it, to be told they had kids on the first date. For me it was date over, how soon can I leave!

Lovemusic33 · 01/02/2023 13:24

Why wouldn’t you? Being a single parent doesn’t make you weak or vulnerable. Many of us are single parents including men you might be dating. I would find it odd if a man didn’t tell me he had kids before I met him and for me it does affect if I date them or not. But why would you want someone dating you who may not want to date someone with kids? Don’t they deserve to make that choice?

baileys6904 · 01/02/2023 13:25

Not sure why you think telling them you'd have kids gives them the ability to mess u about? Surely it's up to you whether you accept that behaviour or not

DrMarciaFieldstone · 01/02/2023 13:27

right at the start, so anyone who doesn’t want to date someone with kids doesn’t waste their time and yours

daemonologie · 01/02/2023 13:29

You can tell when other people are parents. There's a look...a weary look.

Ihatethenewlook · 01/02/2023 13:38

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2023 12:01

If they like you and they’re happy to date a parent they’ll stick around.

It’s not a moral judgement but a matter of personal preference. I say that as a step mum. It’s not for everyone. That’s okay.

Show quote history

I think it’s both. With some people it’s a personal preference, and some people will morally judge you. Which is even more reason to tell them straight away. So they ones with a personal preference can move on, and I can move on anyone who looks down on single mums

MaybeSmaller · 01/02/2023 13:39

If by "put out there" you mean putting it publicly on a OLD profile or something like that for any weirdo to look at, I can understand why you might not want to.

But I think you do have to disclose it if you intend to actually meet someone IRL and date them. Many men (just like many women) have absolutely no interest in dating somebody with kids and it's absolutely their right to not want that. You'd just be wasting their time (and yours) to wait until date 3 or 4 before blurting that out.

Tuilpmouse · 01/02/2023 13:41

Pinky1011 · 01/02/2023 12:37

I personally don't mention it. There are many many pedos and weirdos out there who specifically target single mums in a bid to get close to their kids. I would only tell them once I'm comfortable that there are of good moral character. Yeah he may not be happy about it, but if he really is serious about you he'd understand. You have a duty of care to your children first and foremost above anyone feelings.

It takes a while to be completely sure of someone's moral character... It's not something you can assess fully after a handful of dates, even if you've got really got vibes about them.

The best way is not to introduce them to your kids until the relationship is firmly established - at least one year, probably longer. So unless you're waiting over a year to tell you date (or partner by that point!) you've got kids, you're gaining nothing by raising it after a few dates.

Tuilpmouse · 01/02/2023 13:42

daemonologie · 01/02/2023 13:29

You can tell when other people are parents. There's a look...a weary look.

😂

Sunshineandflipflops · 01/02/2023 13:51

I had something on my OLD profile - I think I just put "Mum", along with a few other things that said a bit about who I was. No details about ages or anything and I certainly didn't attract any paedophiles - just men who were open to dating someone with kids.

Pinky1011 · 01/02/2023 13:56

@Tuilpmouse I disagree I think there are very clear signs that tell someone's character straight away. Usually within a few days of talking to someone. Just little things like how they treat the waiter, or how they make you feel and how they speak are clear indicators of their mindset. Also intuition is a huge factor too. Of course you don't wait a year. What I meant is I wouldn't broadcast it on dating sites or put it out there I'm a single mother to strangers. I've heard too many horror stories of pedos targeting single mums specifically and pretending to be the perfect boyfriend for as long as it took, to gain their trust to start bringing their kids around them, even as going far to getting married all in a bid to get to the kids. They play the long game, so I wouldn't make myself a target by broadcasting I have kids without their father around strangers, it's common sense imo.

OneForTheRoadThen · 01/02/2023 14:00

I'd tell them right away or if I was doing OLD I'd put something non-specific (no sexes and ages) in my profile. It would just be wasting everyone's time otherwise.

Namechangenoidea · 01/02/2023 14:02

I would not put it in a dating profile but I would tell them on the first date.

JorisBonson · 01/02/2023 14:04

Of course. As someone who doesn't want biological or step children, I'd be really angry if I invested time and emotion into someone who hid children from me.

AnotherDayOfSun · 01/02/2023 14:17

Of course. Being a parent teaches you patience, warmth, and love above all. It is front and center of who you are, why not mention something so important??

tiggergoesbounce · 01/02/2023 14:27

Of course you should tell them on the first date. Some people simply dont want to date someone with kids, so let's not waste everyones time.

Are you hoping they "fall for" you then "put up." With your kids, you dont want that for your kids.

Addicted2Kale · 01/02/2023 14:44

You need to declare you're a single parent upfront. Full stop.