When dating would you tell the guy you have kids

[Bluesandtwos7]

I’m a single mother and I just instinctively felt like I shouldn’t put out there that I have kids when dating until I get to a point when I feel comfortable that they are into me as a person. I feel labelling myself as a single mother at the first place it gives men permission to treat you badly and less deserving and it gets so messy!!! Not lying but not being upfront about it straight away ! What does everyone else do?!

I’m in the minority who wouldn’t want to declare this on my dating profile or on the first date. I want to weed out anyone who’s more interested in my DC than they are in me. I disagree that any wrong ‘uns would reveal themselves before you’d introduced them to your kids. Some are very plausible and prepared to play the long game.

Many (most?) first dates don’t go any further due to lack of chemistry, so I don’t think this would be wasting much of anyone’s time. So, you had a coffee with someone who looked older than their profile pic/ slagged off their exes/ turned out to have children/ monologued about their job for two hours. That’s internet dating, unfortunately. There’s no need to get angry. If you’re no longer interested, just move on.

OP you are part of the reason why single mums get a bad rap, not telling them until you have been dating for a while is just plain wrong, what happens if they don't want to become a step dad? Or go on family days out, or family holidays? Or in a few years time when you want to live together move in with you and your kids, you will have just wasted both yours and there's time, pre existing children are a massive deal in any relationship, they bring lots of restrictions as to what you can and can't do in life, not to mention all the free time they take up. Not many blokes without children would be happy to get involved in a family lifestyle when they have a child free lifestyle unfortunately

It clearly needs to be mentioned early on in the process alongside anything else major like for example you are stil going through a divorce, etc.

It will put off lots of people, good and bad, who simply don’t want to become involved with someone with children. Not wanting that involvement doesn’t make someone bad and not minding of a woman has kids doesn’t make them good.

Depends how old you are.

A 27 yr old looking for a relationship is very different to a 40 yr old for instance.

So at 27 all that baggage I would have been "yeah nice guy but not my kids to accommodate" no thanks.

At 40, "why no baggage?" Would assume they were awful to never have achieved kid baggage.

I would mention it first date.

I mentioned I was a single parent ...first or second sentence.

I don't like this angle at all, because I don't think it's true, and what you really mean is "I reduce my chances to potential dates if I am open about the fact I have children from the start, as many people, as they are perfectly entitled, do not wish to date someone with children. If I keep it quiet at first, I hope they will have become interested enough to maybe continue dating me when I do admit it"

Men don't treat single mothers badly. Shoddy men treat all the women they encounter poorly, single mothers or not. Don't date shoddy men.

Do not hide the fact you have children, it is not fair to waste the time of people who do not wish to date single parents, for your own personal motive. They certainly won't see you as long term once they realise you hid something like this deliberately, so you're wasting your own time as well...plus they will likely be pretty pissed with you if they've spent hundreds on dates, new clothes for dates, and all their time invested on nights out etc, when you've essentially been leading them up the garden path.

I wouldn't go on a date with someone without telling them I had children.

Really? Someone who doesn’t have children by 40 must be “awful”?

Ever heard of infertility? Someone simply not wanting to have children? Someone wanting children but not meeting the right partner with whom to have them?

No I really don’t think that’s fair. I’d want to know if someone had kids, wouldn’t you? You don’t want to attract someone who will just dump you when he finds out you have kids surely? Why go to the effort of getting to know someone only for them to drop you when they find out. Even if they are comfortable with you having kids I doubt they’d be impressed you hadn’t been honest

I'm not sure what you're getting at here. Plenty of non-awful people in their 40s don't have (or want) kids, for starters.

On an OLD profile I wouldn't state that I had children (and I believe that's advice often given here) but aside from that, yes, I would tell them.

@Pinky1011

Your response is contradictory... First, you say that there are very clear ways to tell someone's character very quickly... Then you say that some people successfully hide their characters effectively for a very lengthy period?

There's always a risk that you can be duped by a paedo who's extraordinarily devious and patient in equal measure, who can successfully pull off a con lasting years without slipping or giving any indications, but that's very rare, especially if you kept your kids from getting to know your partner at all for at least a year as the relationship becomes serious.

And although you can't be sure of someone's character quickly if they are behaving well and hiding their true character, of course you can tell someone's character if they behave badly and don't hide it!

Surely you have to state this and, if need be, discuss it before you even get into arranging a date. You've got to start as you mean to go on - open and honest with the ability to talk about complex issues.