Have you ever had someone say something so hurtful or inappropriate it felt like a punch to the stomach? (Struggling with dads comment)

[upsdo]

I had a termination when I was in my twenties and didn’t cope at all for around six months. One day I was in tears on the phone to my mum and my dad grabbed the phone and said angrily ‘stop this nonsense and go and read some books to broaden your mind.’ It felt like I was being punched and years later I feel sick still when I remember how hurt I was. Feeling crap today so obviously revisiting anything painful(!)

Well your Dad was definitely not in the queue when empathy was being handed out

It would be hard to forgive behaviour like that.

Yes that was an awful thing for him to say and I'm not surprised it hurt.

My narc xdh said plenty of cruel things as he knew exactly what would hurt the most. I don't want to think about specific things now but he was an incredibly cruel specimen for a human.

That's awful op.

My stomach-punch memories come from a parent too. Not great is it!

You absolutely do not need to forgive him for the awful thing he said.

But neitgrr do you need to let this darken your life to this degree.

Maybe a few counseling sessions might help you gain perspective?

Neither !!

Yeh that's awful op. That generation of male was raised to face emotion with a stiff upper lip. A lot of them just can't handle feeling vulnerable and he was probably referring to his inability to deal with his own emotions around your sadness. When I revealed to my dad that I was sexually abused as a child by a family member his response was that there's plenty of people walking around who've managed with the same experience !

Can you speak to him about it? Tell him how hurtful it was and still is. It might give you some closure. If you haven't discussed it he might even feel regretful

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"Can you speak to him about it? Tell him how hurtful it was and still is. It might give you some closure. If you haven't discussed it he might even feel regretful"
Hmm bit of a risky strategy though. He might be mortified and regretful and supportive of OP. But worst case scenario what if he says, "What are you talking about, I don't even remember saying that, you're probably misremembering stuff, why are you still stewing over all of that all these years later, silly wee girl, you worried your mother for ages, you need to grow up and get a grip". You'd need to have the wherewithal to deal with that scenario.

Yes.

My ex said I was the kind of dirty that doesn't wash off

My dad said 'yes (your ex) was a rapist abusive cunt but he had good taste in film'

Another ex said I am so broken from my childhood that they tried to love me better but they can't because I am too broken

My dad said he chose work over family life and didn't regret it, after leaving me to be raised by an abusive mother with a (diagnosed) personality disorder.

Some others but these are the ones that stick.

My mother saw my underwear drying on the clothes airer and said I deserved to be raped if I was going around in such slutty skimpy underwear. She didn’t know that I had been raped a few months prior… her not knowing in no way excuses her comment but it explains why it was such a punch to the stomach.

I agree. There's enough bad stuff in the world without revisiting hurtful old memories.

Not as hurtful as some of these responses but I will never forget at 13 showing off my brand new size 10, catalogue bought, Levis and my Dad shouting to my Mum "she's too fat for jeans"
50 years on and I don't recall one day since where I haven't been on a diet.
What a waste☹️

What a horrible thing for him to say ☹️ it’s really difficult to put things like this behind you, but sometimes you have to let it go in order to move forward. Not easy though, I know.

My mother in law has said some incredibly hurtful things over the years but the one that really sticks in my mind was not long after my lovely mum passed away after her cancer was misdiagnosed by an incompetent GP - she said “your hair is looking a lot better Chen - it wasn’t looking very nice the last time I saw you but I put that down to your mum dying”. Ouch.

This. My mum told me she wished she'd had an abortion like my Grandma wanted, when I was about 10. Completely denies it but I've lived with it 40 years. Also when I couldn't have kids said well you wouldn't eat a 28 year old egg so why would you fertilise it. She's adorable

My H said when I went through a stage of looking for a new job after working alongside him for 15 years and I was 56 - 'who would actually want you' . I don't think he meant it quite how it came out but I've never forgotten it

Oh op, as others have suggested - maybe some counselling would help? Does he realise how shitty his comment was?

I was sexually abused as a child, had 2 breakdowns as a result and then had intensive psychotherapy and sorted my shit out when I found out I was pregnant.

My mum gave me a notebook when Ds was about 6 months old - she had kept notes on my behaviour, said I was ruining Ds life, that I was an awful parent, that she couldn’t understand why I thought it was rape when I had been so friendly to my abuser (he was violent towards me too, I tried to keep him on side and not upset him a lot)

we still have a relationship but it’s never been the same since and we are very low contact.

Team building day - well Section day so around 80 staff - the exercise was you were given a list of items to prioritise and say why you'd chosen that order.

My boss: Get the gun first & shoot iklboo. Then we won't have to worry about food for a while.

I just wanted the ground to swallow me up while she was smirking & looking smug about how 'clever' her answer was.

I was probably a size 16, DS was about nine months old.

Oh yes, definitely. They still sting now. People often say you have to let things go, but some things aren't to be let go of.

There's been a few awful things said, but the most recent was my ex who turned out to be horribly violent said things to me that still make me crumple if I think about them too much. I wish I could forget them.

I was distraught one day after learning my brother recalled a childhood memory which was sadly linked to us being abused. I had blocked it out. My ex came to me and held me for a few minutes, and then I started talking about what happened, and he let go of me, walked away and said he couldn't deal with me like this, all while I was sobbing and pleading with him just to hold me.

When he walked away, he started mimicking a baby crying and said it was pathetic.

I got rid of him.

My dad is spectacular at comments like that. When good things happen to me, worth maybe a good for you he goes silent. He used to ask me when I was a SAHM when I was getting a job (every time I spoke to him). He told me he was surprised I was a good mum. If I was a nasty person I would have said "well, I'm not as bad as you was"...I stayed quiet, he's not worthy of a response.

I remember when I was younger I had fallen out with some friends, can't remember how it come about but my DM said to me 'no wonder you haven't got any friends' still remember it 30 years later.

Yes both my parents sadly. When I finally confessed to them that my (now) ex H had been physically abusive for 7 years my dad asked me what I'd done to wind him up as I can sometimes be quite annoying.
Later the same day I asked my mum if I could stay the night as obviously I didn't want to go home - she said it was all too stressful for her and I needed to find somewhere else to stay. I had £70 in my bank and a 6 year old child, they had a 6 bed house and there were just the two of them.
We get on ok but I remember it like it was yesterday.

My mother-I was sexually assaulted and first words out of her mouth was ‘what did you do to lead him on?’
the dad to this bloke went to grab her nipple (which was nowhere near what his son had done) and all hell broke loose-police and everything

my ex-I was rushed to hospital at ten weeks,bleeding through my emergency san-pro
‘of all the fucking kids you have (4) why is it mine you lose?
got the all clear-I’d miscarried his twin-but the other baby was fine
we got home-I was bleeding heavily,emotionally knackered and just wanted to sleep
him-ugh,I know your not up for our normal boring sex,we should do anal-after today,you owe me that
my mother-it’s your fault you killed that baby-then listed every single thing I’d ever done (in her eyes)

I have nothing to do with either of them

Probably when as a 9 year old, a bunch of kids came up to me when I was on the swings at the rec. One of them had a big bunch of nettles which they used all over my bare legs. They then shouted ‘fat, fat, ugly, ugly’ repeatedly at me. I felt destroyed in mind, body and spirit. And so began the mental anguish about my looks that was to develop into a lifetime of Body Dysmorphic disorder.

Are you pregnant?

You know if you know

That is beyond shocking
I am so sorry