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Original poster

Successfully co-habit with ex-partner?

53 replies

Feetinthemudandleaves · 01/02/2023 11:04

Has anyone managed to co-habit with ex-partner after the relationship has ended fairly acrimoniously?

My situation is that I have recently ended a 20 year relationship with my partner. We don’t have children but we do have dogs and other animals and we live in an idyllic property in the countryside.

Neither of us can bear to leave our lovely house so we have been attempting to live as housemates but the atmosphere is so horrendous at the moment that I am fantasising about getting away and finding a place by myself.

I’d love to hear other peoples stories and advice if you have managed to make it work (or not). Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feetinthemudandleaves · 01/02/2023 12:36

Disappointed with no replies to my first ever post 😭

OP posts:
worried4698643 · 01/02/2023 12:37

It's only been an hour. Give it a chance.

No advice from me, but giving you a bump.

MrNook · 01/02/2023 12:47

Feetinthemudandleaves · 01/02/2023 12:36

Disappointed with no replies to my first ever post 😭

Might be because nobody has ever successfully done it! I think one of you needs to leave

What happens when one of you starts dating or gets a new partner?

nova99 · 01/02/2023 13:06

Feetinthemudandleaves · 01/02/2023 12:36

Disappointed with no replies to my first ever post 😭

I think it's because it's incredibly rare that someone has actually made this work long term.

I've only ever heard of people co-habiting whilst they sort the divorce and house sale out, I've never heard of it being a long term situation.

You either need to buy him out of his half of the house or sell and move away, it won't ever get easier I'm afraid.

Scarecrowrowboat · 01/02/2023 13:11

I managed for about 2/3months. It was a 1 bed flat so that made it harder, maybe in a house I would have lasted longer. I did end up staying at my mums a fair few nights.

Original poster
Feetinthemudandleaves · 01/02/2023 13:50

Thanks for the replies.

We are late 50s so I’m not sure dating other people will be an issue. I’ve got no interest in being in another relationship myself.

I know it isn’t working, but I’m finding it impossible to make any changes for fear of ending up regretting them.

It shouldn’t be this difficult for me to make the decision to leave as I don’t have children to consider but I don’t want to uproot my animals from their comfortable existence and I’m scared of ending up in a worse situation myself in a small house in a noisy location.

Also don’t want family and friends to know we have split up as I feel embarrassed and ashamed.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 01/02/2023 14:00

don’t want family and friends to know we have split up as I feel embarrassed and ashamed.

Ah, that's a separate problem, OP.
Why should you feel ashamed, when most relationships end before one partner dies?

Do you regret the break-up, and wish you were still lovers? That's another question again. The bad atmosphere suggests you were not happy together, but it's still painful when a relationship ends. You need to give yourself time to grieve and recover. Perhaps counselling would help you move on? Or have you got a close friend or relative you could confide in and talk things through?
Living in a hostile atmosphere is no good for either of you.

Ofcourseshecan · 01/02/2023 14:02

To answer your original question, OP is your house big enough to divide into separate flats?

BIWI · 01/02/2023 14:05

How about relationship counselling? Not with a view to reuniting, but to find a way, with someone objective/mediating, that you can live together more harmoniously. Presumably neither of you wants to leave, so at least you both share a common wish/objective here, so you might be able to work out a mutually satisfactory solution.

BIWI · 01/02/2023 14:06

... obviously that suggestion wouldn't work is abuse/violence is a reason for your separation

Original poster
Feetinthemudandleaves · 01/02/2023 14:13

BIWI · 01/02/2023 14:05

How about relationship counselling? Not with a view to reuniting, but to find a way, with someone objective/mediating, that you can live together more harmoniously. Presumably neither of you wants to leave, so at least you both share a common wish/objective here, so you might be able to work out a mutually satisfactory solution.

That might be worth trying

OP posts:
Popp33 · 01/02/2023 17:00

I know someone who lived with their ex after they split, long relationship 30 years. It didn't work out.
They were still sharing certain finances, they had grandchildren who they were still minding together - it wasn't a clean break.
When he met another partner it causes problems too.
Hope you find a solution.

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 17:01

Unless you’re home is enormous then this has shit show written all over it

WandaWomblesaurus · 01/02/2023 17:07

Did it for several years with both my exes. You can definitely make it work!

Original poster
Feetinthemudandleaves · 01/02/2023 17:44

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 17:01

Unless you’re home is enormous then this has shit show written all over it

Small house, unfortunately. I think you’re right about the shit show!

OP posts:
Daffodils320 · 01/02/2023 18:16

A close friend of mine does this with her ex-partner and has done for several years. Not out of choice but out of necessity, neither can afford to move out. They have two teenage kids so it's a bit different to your situation but it's not great at all.
She constantly moans about him, they row a lot and their relationship is pretty toxic. One minute she isn't speaking to him after some almighty row, the next they are trying to be friends. It's very odd, obviously stressful for both of them and God knows what it's doing to their kids.
If you can avoid doing it I would.
Also it's easy to say neither of you will get a new partner and maybe you are certain you don't want to, but there are no guarantees that your partner won't and if that happened I think it would get very messy and you might find it very difficult.

InBedBy10 · 01/02/2023 18:32

Your family and friends are going to find out sometime. Don't be embarrassed, people break up all the time. Those that matter won't mind and those that mind don't matter.

I don't think living in an atmosphere is healthy for either of you. It will slowly drag you down. I thought I could do it with my ex (we have children). But after afew months I could see living together was preventing both of us from moving on. We needed a proper break. It's so much easier getting over a relationship when the other person is not in your face all the time

iamenough2023 · 01/02/2023 20:06

Hello OP, I have heard here on MN people doing it, but I have no idea how they manage. I stayed with my ex for only 4 months and it was a nightmare. We did not fight or anything but there was a pain and anxiety that ate me alive. Since I instigated it I "moved out" of our marital bed, but because he did not want to tell the kids right away I had to stay in our bedroom and sleep on the mattress on the floor. I was terrified every day that one of them will come in unexpectedly and find me there. When he finally moved out it took me few more weeks to relax and start enjoying my freedom. I suggest you leave, but then again, it is up to you two to decide.

CrescentMoons · 01/02/2023 20:10

Is there room to build an extension or convert the garage?

Original poster
Feetinthemudandleaves · 01/02/2023 20:37

Thanks so much for all the kind responses.

Consensus seems to be that it is very difficult to stay in the same house without it being totally miserable.

We do already have planning permission in place (from before we had problems) so it is an option to add some more space. I guess the danger with that is that there is added stress having building work done and we would be tying even more cash up in the joint property.

I spend a huge amount of time trawling through rightmove looking for places to rent/buy but I don’t seem to have the energy to take any action.

OP posts:
Popp33 · 01/02/2023 21:03

I know you said you don't want family and friends to know but maybe if you do tell someone who you trust, they may be able to help you search for properties or at least you would have some support . Don't feel ashamed- life doesn't always work out how we think. Take care.

Zanatdy · 01/02/2023 21:06

It will be tough. I’ve done it for short periods, and it’s really hard. You say you don’t want another relationship but what if he does? That will change the dynamic. Pets adjust, why subject yourself to living your remaining years in misery?

Heddaga · 01/02/2023 23:49

I'm doing it now. It's actually not too bad but you just have to let go of all the bitterness which is incredibly hard. I'd not recommend it to be honest.

MingeofDeath · 02/02/2023 01:14

I met someone who had this sort of set up, house in the country,animals, children were involved though. Apparently it was a horrible way to live and just seemed to make everyone thoroughly miserable.
Instead of you both arguing over who has the house could you not sell up and both move somewhere new? It would remove a cause of resentment because the house would be gone.

Dontsparethehorses · 02/02/2023 01:19

I think it would only work if you can live separate lives - separate living space as well as bedrooms, kitchen would be manageable. But I think I would feel more lonely sat by myself with an ex in living room next door than in a house by myself as odd as that sounds. Find a new property to make your own without memories of your ex and enjoy making it exactly as you wish even if smaller/ different location. Choose as close to support from friends or family as possible