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Relationships

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Original poster

Successfully co-habit with ex-partner?

53 replies

Feetinthemudandleaves · 01/02/2023 11:04

Has anyone managed to co-habit with ex-partner after the relationship has ended fairly acrimoniously?

My situation is that I have recently ended a 20 year relationship with my partner. We don’t have children but we do have dogs and other animals and we live in an idyllic property in the countryside.

Neither of us can bear to leave our lovely house so we have been attempting to live as housemates but the atmosphere is so horrendous at the moment that I am fantasising about getting away and finding a place by myself.

I’d love to hear other peoples stories and advice if you have managed to make it work (or not). Thanks.

OP posts:

Sandra1984 · 02/02/2023 17:26

FMSucks · 02/02/2023 11:51

Hi OP. I've been living with my ex for 5 years now. We've 2 children together and our DDog! It was an absolute living hell for a couple of years and we still have our moments (like any couple) but it's working for us. Neither interested in another relationship which I think is key. We rub along well and make a good co-parenting team. We have a joint bank account for the household and our own separate bank accounts. Both our children have additional needs and I would not be able to keep going without him.

However, do not underestimate the difficulty of trying to get over someone when still living with them. It is next to impossible. I'm 5 years down the road and while I think he wouldn't look at me sideways in that way anymore, I still have phases of "could we make this work again" and I was the one who asked for the separation. It is an absolute head melter. He is and always will be the love of my life and while I know we're not right for each other I think a part of me would be devastated when/if he meets someone else.

So basically you’re still a married couple but without any romantic expectations of any sorts. Absolutely Nothing wrong if it works for both.

iamenough2023 · 03/02/2023 18:12

@Vegansausagevole I just wonder why do you consider you and your partner separated? Apart from sleeping in separate beds, which is what a lot of married people do, it seems you do everything together anyway. People separate and divorce eventually because they cannot, for different reasons, live/function together as a couple, they do not like/love each other anymore, want to move on and have a life of their own. I understand that in some circumstances people have to do it for a short period of time but this is always very hard. If you still live with your partner and you are getting along very well... I would say you are not and should not separate, you should stay in the marriage since altered to a certain degree, it seem to still work.

Vegansausagevole · 03/02/2023 19:25

@iamenough2023 we are happy with the way we are living I was just responding to the OP asking if anyone has been able to do it. i get why it look’s confusing to outsiders but I think the main reason it works for us is that we still like each other and enjoy doing the same things but we really are just friends. That’s why we haven’t bothered selling our house and “ properly” splitting up and getting divorced. We do not depend on each other for emotional support, my “D”H suffered from mental health issues for the latter stages of our marriage, I still loved him and wanted to support him but he was never really able to be there for me emotionally, living with someone with long term depression and anxiety wears you down over the years and you have to distance yourself emotionally in order to not be dragged down, after ending up needing counselling and anti depressants myself I realised that the emotional connection was just totally gone. When I no longer looked to him for emotional support, that he wasn’t equipped to give me, we actually got on very well. He actually makes more effect as a friend than he did latterly as a husband but for me there is no going back. He says he’s happy with way way things are and if I thought he was harbouring hopes we would get that connection back again I would definitely make that final break. I have a close family and good female friends and I look to them to provide the emotional support in my life.
I am aware of other people with partners who have mental health issues whose marriages are dead in the water but they don’t want to abandon them so they find a way to make it work living as flat mates / friends.

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