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Original poster

Successfully co-habit with ex-partner?

53 replies

Feetinthemudandleaves · 01/02/2023 11:04

Has anyone managed to co-habit with ex-partner after the relationship has ended fairly acrimoniously?

My situation is that I have recently ended a 20 year relationship with my partner. We don’t have children but we do have dogs and other animals and we live in an idyllic property in the countryside.

Neither of us can bear to leave our lovely house so we have been attempting to live as housemates but the atmosphere is so horrendous at the moment that I am fantasising about getting away and finding a place by myself.

I’d love to hear other peoples stories and advice if you have managed to make it work (or not). Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feetinthemudandleaves · 02/02/2023 01:40

Heddaga · 01/02/2023 23:49

I'm doing it now. It's actually not too bad but you just have to let go of all the bitterness which is incredibly hard. I'd not recommend it to be honest.

Yes, I keep thinking that it should be possible to not let my mood be affected by him but haven’t managed it so far. How did you manage to let go of all the bitterness yourself?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feetinthemudandleaves · 02/02/2023 01:44

Popp33 · 01/02/2023 21:03

I know you said you don't want family and friends to know but maybe if you do tell someone who you trust, they may be able to help you search for properties or at least you would have some support . Don't feel ashamed- life doesn't always work out how we think. Take care.

Thanks for your kind words. I don’t have any friends or family that I can trust, but that’s another story!

OP posts:
SpringtimeCherries · 02/02/2023 01:51

I’d say take your time, but do aim for separate living arrangements.

I had to do this for 3 years a while ago with my Ex. We had children and I wanted to move quite a way away. At first it was awful I was ready to just run, he had been cheating on me so it was quite painful.

However some outside circumstances meant that it was better we stayed living in the same house for our child for 3 years, so we both agreed to do it. It was fairly harmonious on one level, we gave each other loads of space, which was really key. However I think it was quite painful for me, inside I was trying to mourn the loss of my relationship and have my own routine with our child, and that was all stalled.

Vegansausagevole · 02/02/2023 02:19

I’m doing this right now and have been for more than 2 years, it works for us. In fact we just had a big chat about it over Christmas and decided we were both happy to continue as we are. Neither of us wants to leave our spacious home and live in a small flat. We had a long marriage that fizzled out, it ended up being a sexless marriage and that suited us both and neither of us feel the need to look for a new relationship. Although if he did find someone else it genuinely would not bother me. All of our family know and we live together happily as good friends, we are at the age where we have aging parents, grown up children and grandchildren so lots going on and we support each other with those pressures. I’ve been quite ill recently and he has looked after me. We have our grandchildren to stay over regularly and obviously living together helps with that. We both work full-time he wfh and I have to work in an office and we each have our own friends and interests. Our home is big enough to have our own space if we want but tbh we live a pretty normal “married” life we still share finances, eat together, watch rubbish TV together, socialise together and go on holiday together, we do have our own bedrooms but will share a room or even a bed if we are away. Maybe it works for us because neither of us is interested in a sexual relationship anymore and we really like each other as people, I can understand why it might not work for other people though. We could divide up the property into 2 self-contained flats if we wanted to in the future.

Whatislove82 · 02/02/2023 06:11

Vegansausagevole · 02/02/2023 02:19

I’m doing this right now and have been for more than 2 years, it works for us. In fact we just had a big chat about it over Christmas and decided we were both happy to continue as we are. Neither of us wants to leave our spacious home and live in a small flat. We had a long marriage that fizzled out, it ended up being a sexless marriage and that suited us both and neither of us feel the need to look for a new relationship. Although if he did find someone else it genuinely would not bother me. All of our family know and we live together happily as good friends, we are at the age where we have aging parents, grown up children and grandchildren so lots going on and we support each other with those pressures. I’ve been quite ill recently and he has looked after me. We have our grandchildren to stay over regularly and obviously living together helps with that. We both work full-time he wfh and I have to work in an office and we each have our own friends and interests. Our home is big enough to have our own space if we want but tbh we live a pretty normal “married” life we still share finances, eat together, watch rubbish TV together, socialise together and go on holiday together, we do have our own bedrooms but will share a room or even a bed if we are away. Maybe it works for us because neither of us is interested in a sexual relationship anymore and we really like each other as people, I can understand why it might not work for other people though. We could divide up the property into 2 self-contained flats if we wanted to in the future.

You are married but don’t have sex. And more besides, what you describe sounds a healthy and happy marriage!

Not remotely the same situation as the OP. And watching rubbish TV together, going on holiday together, being looked after when ill by her ex… is not something the OPis likely to finding even slightly appealing

DivorcingEU · 02/02/2023 07:55

Why doesn't he want to leave? You've said your reasons, but what are his?

I've been involuntarily living with my ex (well he will be one day..) for a few years and honestly it's broken me. I never wanted to be living with him like this but he's controlling and managed the situation to make it impossible for me to leave - which possibly isn't quite the same as your situation.

My general point is that moving somewhere smaller and mouser and uprooting the animals isn't ideal. It's very clear what the disadvantages are though. And you can maybe alter some of them in time. When you live with someone you don't want to, you risk very serious damage to your mental health, in ways you can't even imagine right now. You may imagine something bad, but the potential is worse.

Living in less ideal physical circumstances actually offers you a freedom that money cannot buy. It will be hard, but you will be in your own space, your own kitchen, your own music and TV etc. You can walk around the house wearing whatever you want (or not). These seem like such little things, but they're only to be taken for granted by people who have their own space.

Unless you can divide the space into two completely separate homes, the cost of this is going to be paid by your mental health.

Flumo · 02/02/2023 08:21

Lived with my ex for a year, it was the most mentally challenging year of my life. Mind my ex was a nasty piece of work, he was paranoid and wanted to know where I was going all the time. He got angry if he thought I'd be meeting other men ( which I literally had no interest in) and ended up getting violent so police and council found me a place to live 😭

Heddaga · 02/02/2023 09:30

@Feetinthemudandleaves I haven't totally forgotten the bitterness he still pisses me off and I can't see it working long term. It will certainly change if either of us want to get a new partner but I can't cope when it's horrible so I have to for my own mental health get along with him. He's a nice guy which is why I originally got together with him but he has mental health problems which sadly make our relationship not work. I'm waiting for him to get back on his feet and get himself somewhere else to live. In the mean time I just have to get along with him for my own sake and for the kids sake. It's utterly heart breaking really but I'm over the worst of it. It's been going on for about 2 years and I've only just got to this point of semi acceptance.

Original poster
Feetinthemudandleaves · 02/02/2023 10:46

@Heddaga Your situation sounds quite similar to mine. My ex-partner is basically a good person as well but he has mental health issues too. I ended the relationship because I couldn’t cope with the repeating cycle of bad behaviour followed by apology and a period of us getting along before it repeated again. I was hoping that he would look at addressing his issues but he prefers to play the victim as if I am imposing the situation on him and he is powerless to do anything about it.
My heart is broken too as I saw us being together forever and we have spent so many years creating what should be our idyllic home together.
I know that there are a lot of women on MN who are in truly terrible situations with abusive partners and I do admire their strength in getting out of those relationships and building new lives for themselves and their children.

OP posts:
Heddaga · 02/02/2023 10:58

@Feetinthemudandleaves that sounds exactly like me. The cycle is horrible isn't it. Really soul destroying. It's awful watching what had so much potential go down the drain. All I can say is that I'm 2 years in and there's not been much change. His behaviour has got a bit better but it's a slow process. I don't feel I can kick him out as that would send him under. I feel like I'm in a bit of a catch 22 situation. If you are absolutely sure you don't want to be in a relationship with him I'd do my best to move somewhere else. He most likely will never change and it will be best for you to be away from him and start again. If you see a flicker of hope then maybe it's worth the effort but be very careful of your own mental health along the way. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know how horrible it is. There's often not much support for people that get taken down along the way. Sending you love.

Whatislove82 · 02/02/2023 11:03

Also don’t want family and friends to know we have split up as I feel embarrassed and ashamed.

why shame?

would you judge family or a friend if they told you they had split?

Original poster
Feetinthemudandleaves · 02/02/2023 11:07

@Heddaga I’m sorry you are in this situation too. It really is soul destroying. Take care of yourself

OP posts:
Original poster
Feetinthemudandleaves · 02/02/2023 11:10

@Whatislove82 My family is very toxic and judgemental so I have always made out that we are a happy couple living a lovely life in the countryside with our animals.

OP posts:
CleaningOutMyCloset · 02/02/2023 11:27

It'll be down for the first few weeks then the resentment will set in, one isn't pulling their weight, one wants to go out with friends, stays out all night leaving the other one to wonder where they are, and that's all before you start dating other people

Don't do it op, you can make a home anywhere

Whatislove82 · 02/02/2023 11:28

Feetinthemudandleaves · 02/02/2023 11:10

@Whatislove82 My family is very toxic and judgemental so I have always made out that we are a happy couple living a lovely life in the countryside with our animals.

And friends?

And if you’re going on from your relationship as you’re doing, use that strength to also have nothing to do with a your “very toxic” family!

FMSucks · 02/02/2023 11:51

Hi OP. I've been living with my ex for 5 years now. We've 2 children together and our DDog! It was an absolute living hell for a couple of years and we still have our moments (like any couple) but it's working for us. Neither interested in another relationship which I think is key. We rub along well and make a good co-parenting team. We have a joint bank account for the household and our own separate bank accounts. Both our children have additional needs and I would not be able to keep going without him.

However, do not underestimate the difficulty of trying to get over someone when still living with them. It is next to impossible. I'm 5 years down the road and while I think he wouldn't look at me sideways in that way anymore, I still have phases of "could we make this work again" and I was the one who asked for the separation. It is an absolute head melter. He is and always will be the love of my life and while I know we're not right for each other I think a part of me would be devastated when/if he meets someone else.

Original poster
Feetinthemudandleaves · 02/02/2023 15:00

Whatislove82 · 02/02/2023 11:28

And friends?

And if you’re going on from your relationship as you’re doing, use that strength to also have nothing to do with a your “very toxic” family!

Show quote history

No friends either so if I do leave then I will be totally alone in the world. Luckily I do work, otherwise I could start to wonder if I exist at all 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Feetinthemudandleaves · 02/02/2023 15:03

@FMSucks Well done for making it work, particularly for the sake of your children. You can see from the other responses on this thread that it certainly isn’t an easy thing to do

OP posts:
Whatislove82 · 02/02/2023 17:06

Feetinthemudandleaves · 02/02/2023 15:00

No friends either so if I do leave then I will be totally alone in the world. Luckily I do work, otherwise I could start to wonder if I exist at all 😊

Show quote history

How has it come to not a single friend OP?

what about work colleagues?

is there literally anyone in your life that you even vaguely have a connection with? A work colleague perhaps??

Whatislove82 · 02/02/2023 17:08

Who cooks for the children and where do you eat?

if you cook, could you encourage sitting at the table with you and no phones. For just 15mins?

Whatislove82 · 02/02/2023 17:09

So sorry wrong thread

Whatislove82 · 02/02/2023 17:09

But first point still stands

Ricco12 · 02/02/2023 17:18

I lived with a ex boyfriend of 5 years in a 1 bed flat for a year after we split up Confused

We actually got in fine would you believe , and are still friends to this day.

In that year of not bring together we even went on holiday and had a nice time.

For some reason we were great as friends just not a a couple.

Ricco12 · 02/02/2023 17:19

On and being

Sorry didn't notice phone spelling mistakes

Sandra1984 · 02/02/2023 17:19

I have a friend who split/divided the house in half, literally built a wall between the house and made two separate dwellings with two side entrances.it worked. It involved a lot of construction work though.

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