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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH lost it with 16 year old DS

63 replies

Thunderation1 · 01/02/2023 10:33

I've lurked on here for years but this is my first time posting as I really need some advice. Whilst talking about the teacher strike, DS (16) said he was going out with friends in the afternoon after doing revision in the morning. I had spoken to him about this earlier and agreed that as long as he worked hard in the morning this would be OK.

This came up later on and DH was saying that he needed to work all day and other kids would have an advantage in their GCSE's. DS raised his voice saying I've agreed to do work in the morning. After some back and forth DH then leapt up and swore at him and put his fist on his throat, shouting at him to not speak to him like that. It was really shocking. He didn't injure DS or hurt him but the aggression was huge. This has come after I came between him flying at DS in an aggressive way a few months ago. At that time I said to DS he would never hurt you but now with this I'm not so sure.

DS is now saying he hates him and that if he ever touches him again he'll retaliate. I have spoken to DH today and he acknowledges he shouldn't have done what he did but blames me for not backing him up and said that I've lost it in the past too. I don't know what to do. DS doesn't need disruption before exams but it feels wrong to just ignore it and hope it doesn't happen again. How do I manage this?

OP posts:

RudsyFarmer · 01/02/2023 10:38

If your 16 year old goes into school and says this to anyone who has a safeguarding role that will be reported first of all. So he needs to be aware of that straight off.

What you do is support your son completely. For some women that involves leaving their marriage. For others it involves ringing the police. Other women will do nothing. You have to decide what you want to do about it and then accept the consequences. How good is your marriage? Do you want to stay with a violent bully?

BritInAus · 01/02/2023 10:38

I'm sorry, what a horrible situation. I have to say that if my 'D'P ever threatened violence to my kids, they wouldn't be my partner any longer.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2023 10:39

Do you do know what you have to do.

An adult has physically assaulted your child, twice, and all you’ve done is look shocked and minimise what happened telling DS his dad wouldn’t hurt him. You tell him to get out of the house and if he won’t you call the police.

Is he violent and aggressive to you too which is why you’re being so passive and accepting of this?

PeekAtYou · 01/02/2023 10:41

Have you "lost it" to the extent that you might have hit your ds? In which case you and your h urgently need some parenting lessons.
I think you know what you have to do but I understand why you're hoping that somebody is going to say it will be ok

EverybodyAgrees · 01/02/2023 10:43

Everything about it is wrong: the pressure and competitive attitude, the idiotic idea that revision is about hours put in and no time to relax - this isn't conducive to learning, the fact he undermined what you had already agreed, the aggression and violence, the refusal to take responsibility and expectation that you should support his terrible parenting or his behaviour is your fault - what is the point of him? He sounds shit in every possible way, wrong on every count and he's squandered his chance of a relationship with his son. Far more disruptive for the child to stay with a violent man, waiting for the next outburst in the run up to exams than to separate and provide a safe, secure environment.

PeekAtYou · 01/02/2023 10:44

First on throat is a terrifying amount of aggression.

Your ds has said he will retaliate next time which is a plea for help if I ever heard one. Listen to him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2023 10:44

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
This has also happened again whilst you've been present and there will be a third time too. You cannot continue to minimise what has happened here like you did last time with DS.

I would be telling your DH to leave the marital home and if he refuses I would call the police.

You cannot brush this under the rug and you need to act decisively for your sake as well as your son's. Your DH is further sending you a coded warning here and it is one you cannot ignore (i.e this could be you next).

If your son wants to get the police involved (and this is now the second incident at home) I would support him in doing this.

How is this in any way your fault; it is not and this is all on your DH. As for him saying you lost it in the past, well you may well have shouted at DS but you've never presumably taken your fist to his throat at any point.

Your H can and likely does control himself around other people so this is not an anger management problem. He would not ever attempt to grab a neighbour or work colleague like this. He is choosing someone weaker and younger than he. Anger management courses are also no answer to domestic violence which is really what is being described here.

I would think long and hard now about your relationship with H as a whole and decide if this is a marriage you want to remain in.

Judgedbycats · 01/02/2023 10:51

If a man did this to your son in the street what would you do?

Original poster

Thunderation1 · 01/02/2023 10:51

I am not perfect but I have never hit him and never would. I have a good relationship with my son (I hope). When talking to DS after this happened he said he didn't want his life to change and he is not scared of DH. But I know what has been said is right and I need to leave. DH has not been violent towards me.

OP posts:

anomaly23 · 01/02/2023 10:53

My husband would be getting his arse booted out the door if he did that to ds.

Your dh is a dick.

FrenchandSaunders · 01/02/2023 10:55

It's not his dad is it?

ShakespearesBlister · 01/02/2023 10:57

Going back to before the event, you told DS he could go out with his friends but your DH disagreed. This sounds like you are not working together or on the same page with parenting. Violence is never acceptable but I can see where one parent may feel undermined.

Original poster

Thunderation1 · 01/02/2023 10:58

@FrenchandSaunders yes it is his dad.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thunderation1 · 01/02/2023 11:02

@ShakespearesBlister DH wasn't aware that me and DS had had the conversation agreeing that he could go out in the afternoon earlier. I did say during the shouting that I had agreed it earlier but he didn't listen/hear.

OP posts:

knittingaddict · 01/02/2023 11:03

It's awful abusive behaviour op. I think you need to think carefully about whether you should continue in this marriage.

What you should never do is to minimise this behaviour to your son. He needs his feelings validated, not undermined. He needs to know that one of his parents has his back. A 16 year old child is who really matters here.

MorrisZapp · 01/02/2023 11:05

ShakespearesBlister · 01/02/2023 10:57

I hate the MN 'same page' thing. Do I have to agree with my DP on everything around parenting? I don't, and I never will. Given that the arrangement was already made anyway, it was arguably the DH doing the 'undermining'.

Most parents don't have the luxury of popping into the next room to confer and come up with a joint plan before making parenting decisions.

Reluctantadult · 01/02/2023 11:10

I think your dh at the very least needs to recognise that he did wrong here, apologise and mean it, and properly engage with some learning about parenting teens, brain development, his own parenting style, his baggage etc.

Original poster

Thunderation1 · 01/02/2023 11:13

You are right about supporting my son. I did ask him last night whether he wanted to call the police. Thank you for your responses.

H doesn't want to see the seriousness of this.

OP posts:

Shopper727 · 01/02/2023 11:14

Your dh sounds like a really nasty bully. Aggressive and horrible. My dad was aggressive and violent and I would not put up with that for my child.

why did you not stick up for him when he said he’d agreed to do study in the morning? What 16 year old boy would study a full day? What are they going to get out of that? They need down time and a break and he could have done more in the evening if he needed to. Seems extreme for your dh to be getting het up about for gcse tbh my son didn’t study full days he did am or pm and extra if he felt he needed to do more in the evening, he went out with the dog or with friends or to the gym. I mean we don’t sit nose to the grindstone all day nor would I expect a 16 year old to.

Encourage study with friends, interactive stuff to break up the day and give him a break from full on studying. Your husband needs to sort out his anger and understand why his own child is triggering him so much and why he is lashing out physically, as that is not on at all and if your son were to tell teachers or another parent or trusted person lead to investigations as putting your fist in someone’s throat is horrendous. He doesn’t sound a particularly nice man op, but no doubt he’ll be the most loving father in every other way!!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 01/02/2023 11:16

Wow. That sounds scary.

I'm sorry, OP, but I think you need to leave your DH in order to keep DS safe.

MontyK · 01/02/2023 11:16

A huge overreaction by your husband. It sounds like things are escalating quickly and you can bet this won't be the last time.

Shouting at him is one thing, but putting his fist to his throat is unacceptable.

Worse still, he doesn't appear to be remorseful.

Snoken · 01/02/2023 11:17

MorrisZapp · 01/02/2023 11:05

Most parents don't have the luxury of popping into the next room to confer and come up with a joint plan before making parenting decisions.

Show quote history

I agree. As a parent I am capable of making these types of decisions myself, I don't run to their dad and ask every little thing. He very much undermined OP, and is now turning it around and claiming she has to back him up with this ludicrous idea. He is just looking for someone to blame, because he can't take accountability for his own actions.

whatchaos · 01/02/2023 11:26

Snoken · 01/02/2023 11:17

Show quote history

The Dad should have checked in with the mum about the arrangement or the ideal plan before flying off the handle. He's clearly not in control of himself

GenAndWine · 01/02/2023 11:34

Thunderation1 · 01/02/2023 11:13

You are right about supporting my son. I did ask him last night whether he wanted to call the police. Thank you for your responses.

H doesn't want to see the seriousness of this.

Your son is a child. You don’t ask him if he wants to contact the police. You show him you’re a responsible adult who will safeguard him by contacting the police.

PeekAtYou · 01/02/2023 11:43

H doesn't want to see the seriousness of this.

Even if your son can't say the words, as the adult you need to protect him or you'll end up with an adult son who never visits because you enabled his father's terrible behaviour.

This is extremely serious and the fact that he can't even see it is very concerning.

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