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Original poster

DH lost it with 16 year old DS

63 replies

Thunderation1 · 01/02/2023 10:33

I've lurked on here for years but this is my first time posting as I really need some advice. Whilst talking about the teacher strike, DS (16) said he was going out with friends in the afternoon after doing revision in the morning. I had spoken to him about this earlier and agreed that as long as he worked hard in the morning this would be OK.

This came up later on and DH was saying that he needed to work all day and other kids would have an advantage in their GCSE's. DS raised his voice saying I've agreed to do work in the morning. After some back and forth DH then leapt up and swore at him and put his fist on his throat, shouting at him to not speak to him like that. It was really shocking. He didn't injure DS or hurt him but the aggression was huge. This has come after I came between him flying at DS in an aggressive way a few months ago. At that time I said to DS he would never hurt you but now with this I'm not so sure.

DS is now saying he hates him and that if he ever touches him again he'll retaliate. I have spoken to DH today and he acknowledges he shouldn't have done what he did but blames me for not backing him up and said that I've lost it in the past too. I don't know what to do. DS doesn't need disruption before exams but it feels wrong to just ignore it and hope it doesn't happen again. How do I manage this?

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 01/02/2023 11:47

I think the decision regarding police involvement is his. He is 16, yes a child but not a young one, and the pressure to report his dad who he loves will cause serious trauma. It has to come from him, obviously speak to him and let him know you would support him.
I think the relationship would be over for me. That is despicable behaviour.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2023 11:50

What would you be doing if it was you he’d attacked? Hoped it wouldn’t happen again and accepted he didn’t think it was a big deal?

And of course you don’t leave, he does. He’s the violent bully.

Bepis · 01/02/2023 11:56

Woah..this seems like a completely OTT reaction from your DH over a normal teenage argument/disagreement. Aggressive acts like this scar kids for life, even if they don't get physically hurt. Your son could potentially have his own father arrested and possibly charged if this was ever reported.

I have a 16 year old, she can get mouthy at times as all teenagers do but I would never dream of doing that to her. Her body is her own and doing that would be a violation to that. The only time it would be justified would be to stop someone hurting you.

Cherry60 · 01/02/2023 12:02

Neither you or your DH should minimse this, he lost control and is a danger to your family. I think it should be reported to police (though I have no confidence they'll do anything) but more importantly he must recognise he's got a serious problem and needs to take action immediately. He might not get a second chance before he really hurts/kills someone.

IncompleteSenten · 01/02/2023 12:04

What would you do if it was you your husband had run at and put his first to your throat?

IncompleteSenten · 01/02/2023 12:05

Fist

OnaBegonia · 01/02/2023 12:05

Only on MN do I see this obsession with revising, 16yr olds requiring planned permission to breath, cut him some slack and let him make some choices of his own.
Your DH is a wanker, I'd be telling him to get help for his anger, can he not handle another male in the house?

catfunk · 01/02/2023 12:09

What would you do if a stranger attacked your son like this?

Fwiw my partner grew up with a dad like this and it was swept under the carpet although they all lived in constant fear of the next outburst. and he still takes anti depressants 25 years later, surfers from anxiety and is a chronic people pleaser. Also ended up self harming in his late teens.

catfunk · 01/02/2023 12:11

Just to add, going for the throat is a MASSIVE red flag. Statistically it's more likely to end in death.

9thFloorNightmare · 01/02/2023 12:11

How can someone study, focus or even have fun after that
Your husband has serious issues
I feel sorry for your son
I hope he calls NSPCC

9thFloorNightmare · 01/02/2023 12:12

BTW you could be next

MissWings · 01/02/2023 12:12

Christ now I’m not advocating violence but I’ve heard of the odd occasion when dads have (very nearly) come close to hitting their son! I am not condoning that but usually it’s in response to some HUGR violation/times of severe stress and certainly not in relation to a mornings GCSE revision 🤦‍♀️. It seems incredibly over the top.

lifeturnsonadime · 01/02/2023 12:14

You have got to protect your son from his father.

Navigatingarelationship · 01/02/2023 12:15

Unacceptable. Any threat of violence towards a minor is a serious offence, never mind his own son.

Staying with your dh gives him a message that it's OK. It definitely is not. Please do the right thing by your son and leave dh..

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/02/2023 12:31

Teenagers don’t have the emotional regulation to discuss things calmly the way they should all the time. It’s for adults to model keeping calm and discussing things rationally, your H clearly isn’t able to manage this where he presumably does in other areas of his life. What you do about that is your decision but it’s not ok for you son to be touched in anger by anyone.

pointythings · 01/02/2023 12:46

Going back to before the event, you told DS he could go out with his friends but your DH disagreed. This sounds like you are not working together or on the same page with parenting. Violence is never acceptable but I can see where one parent may feel undermined.

OP's DS stated that going out had been agreed subject to revision in the morning. Unless the DS has form for major lying, the husband should have accepted this at face value and not lost his shit.

I'm sorry. OP. Your husband needs to go.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2023 12:54

Why do I think there is much more to your husband's behaviour that you've brushed under the carpet?

Cherry60 · 01/02/2023 12:57

catfunk · 01/02/2023 12:11

Just to add, going for the throat is a MASSIVE red flag. Statistically it's more likely to end in death.

This.

knittingaddict · 01/02/2023 13:27

catfunk · 01/02/2023 12:11

Just to add, going for the throat is a MASSIVE red flag. Statistically it's more likely to end in death.

Yes it is and I've said that to more than one woman who was being abused on here. I think this is the first time I've seen it with a male child. It's a horrifying and worrying act whoever it is aimed at.

Choconut · 01/02/2023 13:30

Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2023 12:54

Why do I think there is much more to your husband's behaviour that you've brushed under the carpet?

Yes this doesn't come out of nowhere. I feel terrible for your poor ds, you don't want disruption before ds's exams but it's much too late for that now unfortunately, he will of course be affected by this. I would consider contacting the school yourself to tell them what he has been through, he may be able to access counselling and support or he may even get special consideration (I don't know what the criteria are) - he's certainly not going to be in the right head space for revision just now.

I bet your OH doesn't take responsibility for anything does he? Nothing is ever his fault. He's an arsehole OP and you need to put your son first.

CKL987 · 01/02/2023 20:44

You're husband needs to get some therapy. He need to learn that he alone is responsible for his actions and learn how to manage his emotions. Would he expect you to stay with him if he did that to you, or would he not see it as abuse? It's the same thing with your son.

AnotherRandomMale · 02/02/2023 17:20

Difficult / scary as this may be to witness and confusing as your husband's apparent overreaction was... you and many respondents don't really appear to understand what is going on here from a male perspective.

Your son says he is going to "retaliate" if it happens again. He is chastened and puffing his chest out, he isn't scared or traumatised. This confrontation has been brewing (hence the overreaction) and will continue. Your son's balls dropped and are telling him he is a man now, not only that, but that he should start challenging rather than submitting to other men.

He needs to be checked by a grown man who won't actually seriously hurt him for his own good. He has a fairly short window of opportunity to learn where the lines are. If you watch 16-20 year old lads around grown men aged 25-50 they aren't related to, they look to them for guidance, but also test the boundaries - but they won't push too hard. It isn't worth the risk. They test the boundaries further with other males in the family.

Most teenage boys go through this to some extent. My relationship with my Dad could be strained at his age, likewise my brother's, and ours with each other. We all got into physical confrontations at times. My Dad is a great bloke and I love him to bits. I am 45 now and he is one of my best friends.

You almost definitely aren't watching their relationship getting permanently damaged or your son being bullied or in danger.

pointythings · 02/02/2023 17:25

@AnotherRandomMale what you're describing is absolutely not the norm in healthy family dynamics. You're recommending OP should let toxic masculinity carry on. Many young men grow up in single parent families and come out perfectly well and functioning - they don't need this caveman bullshit.

custardbear · 02/02/2023 17:30

That's just awful! You can do serious damage to someone's throat - and what a bully and then blaming you - he's a dreadful person if this is his normal character underneath ...

ICanHideButICantRun · 02/02/2023 17:35

I don't think anyone should get a second chance after putting their hands around someone's throat. Who the hell does that? I don't believe your partner has gone from never having a fight, never hitting anyone, to trying to strangling his own son.