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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH lost it with 16 year old DS

63 replies

Thunderation1 · 01/02/2023 10:33

I've lurked on here for years but this is my first time posting as I really need some advice. Whilst talking about the teacher strike, DS (16) said he was going out with friends in the afternoon after doing revision in the morning. I had spoken to him about this earlier and agreed that as long as he worked hard in the morning this would be OK.

This came up later on and DH was saying that he needed to work all day and other kids would have an advantage in their GCSE's. DS raised his voice saying I've agreed to do work in the morning. After some back and forth DH then leapt up and swore at him and put his fist on his throat, shouting at him to not speak to him like that. It was really shocking. He didn't injure DS or hurt him but the aggression was huge. This has come after I came between him flying at DS in an aggressive way a few months ago. At that time I said to DS he would never hurt you but now with this I'm not so sure.

DS is now saying he hates him and that if he ever touches him again he'll retaliate. I have spoken to DH today and he acknowledges he shouldn't have done what he did but blames me for not backing him up and said that I've lost it in the past too. I don't know what to do. DS doesn't need disruption before exams but it feels wrong to just ignore it and hope it doesn't happen again. How do I manage this?

OP posts:

QuickNCPost · 02/02/2023 17:36

AnotherRandomMale · 02/02/2023 17:20

Difficult / scary as this may be to witness and confusing as your husband's apparent overreaction was... you and many respondents don't really appear to understand what is going on here from a male perspective.

Your son says he is going to "retaliate" if it happens again. He is chastened and puffing his chest out, he isn't scared or traumatised. This confrontation has been brewing (hence the overreaction) and will continue. Your son's balls dropped and are telling him he is a man now, not only that, but that he should start challenging rather than submitting to other men.

He needs to be checked by a grown man who won't actually seriously hurt him for his own good. He has a fairly short window of opportunity to learn where the lines are. If you watch 16-20 year old lads around grown men aged 25-50 they aren't related to, they look to them for guidance, but also test the boundaries - but they won't push too hard. It isn't worth the risk. They test the boundaries further with other males in the family.

Most teenage boys go through this to some extent. My relationship with my Dad could be strained at his age, likewise my brother's, and ours with each other. We all got into physical confrontations at times. My Dad is a great bloke and I love him to bits. I am 45 now and he is one of my best friends.

You almost definitely aren't watching their relationship getting permanently damaged or your son being bullied or in danger.

Have name changed for this as never done the "male here" before post as never commented on anything particularly serious so never had to state my sex but am doing so here.

Sorry but that's utter bullshit mate. It was a massive and dangerous over-reaction. Nothing from the OP mentions clashes before, just violent posturing from the dad.

Reugny · 02/02/2023 17:37

OnaBegonia · 01/02/2023 12:05

Only on MN do I see this obsession with revising, 16yr olds requiring planned permission to breath, cut him some slack and let him make some choices of his own.
Your DH is a wanker, I'd be telling him to get help for his anger, can he not handle another male in the house?

This.

OP what would happen if your son had decided to hit your husband back?

In a few years time if he threatens your son, or more likely someone else in your household in front of your son, then your son may hit him.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 02/02/2023 17:40

He needs to be checked by a grown man who won't actually seriously hurt him for his own good.

Even if that were remotely true, it seems that in this instance he would be seriously hurt so your point isn't valid anyway.

AnotherRandomMale · 02/02/2023 18:56

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 02/02/2023 17:40

He needs to be checked by a grown man who won't actually seriously hurt him for his own good.

Even if that were remotely true, it seems that in this instance he would be seriously hurt so your point isn't valid anyway.

I don't know the man and neither do you. I don't know if he's been a good active father who does father/son stuff with the lad, and neither do you.

What I do know is what it is like to be 16 and full of testosterone.

AnotherRandomMale · 02/02/2023 19:01

QuickNCPost · 02/02/2023 17:36

Have name changed for this as never done the "male here" before post as never commented on anything particularly serious so never had to state my sex but am doing so here.

Sorry but that's utter bullshit mate. It was a massive and dangerous over-reaction. Nothing from the OP mentions clashes before, just violent posturing from the dad.

Show quote history

If the father was abusive and a natural bully who was going to beat his son, it wouldn't have taken until his son was a teenager to appear.

I am not saying that this was a good course of action or the behaviour of a good role model, simply that it is a conflict as old as time, and nobody is perfect. The idea a couple of flair ups mean the man is dangerous and a menace and the police should be involved are well off.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 02/02/2023 19:28

AnotherRandomMale · 02/02/2023 18:56

I don't know the man and neither do you. I don't know if he's been a good active father who does father/son stuff with the lad, and neither do you.

What I do know is what it is like to be 16 and full of testosterone.

Show quote history

And what's that got to do with this thread? You're focussing on the son's words but could have misinterpreted them - he might not be posturing at all.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 02/02/2023 19:29

AnotherRandomMale · 02/02/2023 19:01

If the father was abusive and a natural bully who was going to beat his son, it wouldn't have taken until his son was a teenager to appear.

Show quote history

Yet in your previous post you said you don't know this man?

caringcarer · 02/02/2023 20:24

That must be so scary for your son. Imagine having a first at your throat. You can't let your son face that for nothing really. Your DH clearly has anger management issues. I'd be telling he got help for anger management or he leaves. Not the first time, so not a one off. Put your son first. What if next time he squeezed his throat and killed your son?

pointythings · 02/02/2023 20:56

The idea a couple of flair ups mean the man is dangerous and a menace and the police should be involved are well off.

How would you feel if a father did this to a daughter? Would that be OK too?

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/02/2023 22:23

Your DH clearly has anger management issues.

I assume the husband manages conflict in his professional life and social relationships, it’s not an “anger management” issue if he manages his anger elsewhere, it’s a power and control issue.

Thrapston · 02/02/2023 22:39

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2023 10:39

Do you do know what you have to do.

An adult has physically assaulted your child, twice, and all you’ve done is look shocked and minimise what happened telling DS his dad wouldn’t hurt him. You tell him to get out of the house and if he won’t you call the police.

Is he violent and aggressive to you too which is why you’re being so passive and accepting of this?

My mother was an aggressive sometimes violent alcoholic and my dad just let her get away with all sorts. To this day I can't understand why on Earth he stared with her even after him witnessing her drunken violence on me. I've quoted this post as it totally echoes my sentiments

Thrapston · 02/02/2023 22:41

Meant to add to my other post - was my dad's bar so low in terms of relationships that he stayed with a woman like this ?

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 02/02/2023 22:41

You need to leave this violent man your son and you deserve better

Have some self respect and leave

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