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Original poster

Don't want to help him

55 replies

Captainfairylights · 01/02/2023 01:50

Advice please! Man I like moved into the area. We have mutual friends and are connected professionally (don't work together, just both in the same field) though we had never met. Both divorced. Anyway, we hit it off when we met. I was the only person he knew here, and he decided to stay more long term I think based on the fact that he had me here.

I definitely was interested in him romantically, but held off because I'm not ready for a relationship and we are so closely entwined with all the other things, it would be tricky. However to start with he wanted to see me all the time, we spent a lot of time texting when we didn't see each other. It was all a bit chaotic though, he would ring at the last minute, and I often said no even though I liked him. I found it quite overwhelming.

Fast forward a couple of months and he went unexpectedly silent after a night out. When I finally asked him if he was ok, there was an exchange where he said he'd been out on a date (on a night we'd had tentative plans to meet). I think he's been doing a fair bit of this. I was starting to think it all needed to be clarified as he was demanding so much of my time and attention but we weren't being romantic. I don't really have an interest in being his gal pal and if he is dating then I would have scaled back the time together, although not falling out because I like him, wish him well, and I'm not ready for a relationship anyway. I'm busy in my own life, and fine with just being not too close friends.

He is having a minor surgery in a couple of weeks. A few weeks ago, he asked if I would meet him after it. He must be met and someone be with him for 24 hours. I agreed, I was glad to at the time.

When it transpired he'd been on this date I was pissed off that he had not mentioned it. He was pissed off that I seemed to be expecting him to answer for himself. He said we were just friends. I said that friends would be clear about what was going on, and that I felt he had messed me about. We had spent so much time together that I did feel our friendship merited straight forwardness. We have gone quiet with each other, and I do not know when I will hear from him. I have no urge to get in touch with him.

Anyway, I definitely do not want to meet him and nurse him after his surgery. I feel this is the job of a girlfriend or a friend. I feel I am only 'company' or an acquaintance and it is a big ask to nurse/watch over a guy you don't know well. I want to get out of it with enough notice for him to sort out someone else. And I don't want to be rude or petty as we are still in all these circles. Ideally I would not get in touch with him at all, and just how it all pans out, but I don't think I can be silent about the surgery if I'm not going to do it.

Thank you for any advice...

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 01/02/2023 01:56

Just tell him you're sorry but something's come up and you can't do it any longer.

FrancescaContini · 01/02/2023 01:58

Yes, I would walk away. He’s a headfuck.

sausage767 · 01/02/2023 02:01

I think you need to sort out what you want from this guy. You don’t want to date him, but you spend time together so he thinks of you as a friend?

I’m confused, so not surprised he is also.

Original poster
Captainfairylights · 01/02/2023 02:06

sausage767 · 01/02/2023 02:01

I think you need to sort out what you want from this guy. You don’t want to date him, but you spend time together so he thinks of you as a friend?

I’m confused, so not surprised he is also.

Yes there's some truth in that! I thought we were friends who were becoming closer and perhaps might have become romantic later down the line.
I think he thought of me as a friend who was just 'there', nearby, nice company for when he wasn't seeing others.
We never spoke about our expectations. We were both interpreting 'friend' differently.
I don't want to be his type of friend! My type would look after someone after surgery. His wouldn't.

OP posts:
OrderOfTheKookaburra · 01/02/2023 02:10

Did you kiss? I mean apart from a peck on a cheek to say hi and bye.

If you did, then you're more than friends. Maybe not dating as such, but certainly not just pals.

But I'm guessing you didn't have "the chat" to define the relationship. Now you have and you're not on the same page. Given you're not on the same page you have every right to walk away or whatever you want. No rules to say you have to do x, y or z....

OnaBegonia · 01/02/2023 02:11

You don't want a relationship, well maybe later but are pissed off he's dating. Did you enjoy having him chase after you and expected him to be kept dangling until it suited you?
You're the one in the wrong here.
Leave him be.

Original poster
Captainfairylights · 01/02/2023 02:13

OnaBegonia · 01/02/2023 02:11

You don't want a relationship, well maybe later but are pissed off he's dating. Did you enjoy having him chase after you and expected him to be kept dangling until it suited you?
You're the one in the wrong here.
Leave him be.

By leave him be do you mean not tell him I can't meet him? I'm not asking for advice on having a relationship with him, just how to get out of something I agreed to when I thought we were more involved that we are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Captainfairylights · 01/02/2023 02:18

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 01/02/2023 02:10

Did you kiss? I mean apart from a peck on a cheek to say hi and bye.

If you did, then you're more than friends. Maybe not dating as such, but certainly not just pals.

But I'm guessing you didn't have "the chat" to define the relationship. Now you have and you're not on the same page. Given you're not on the same page you have every right to walk away or whatever you want. No rules to say you have to do x, y or z....

Thank you for this.

No kiss. I was really keen to give the whole thing a lot of space. We live very close to each other and are in the same circles. If he'd made a pass at me I would have responded, but he didn't and I didn't initiate one. We just spent a lot of time, almost always at his insistence.

And yes, now it transpires we are not on the same page.

Does it look petty to back out right on the back of having had this happen? Maybe he is expecting me to do this. I'd be surprised if he was expecting me to do it after this plus silence, but who knows.

OP posts:
3487642l · 01/02/2023 02:23

It doesn't matter of it looks petty - you don't want to do it.

Things just haven't worked out because you each have different needs and expectations right now. You don't want a relationship right now and he sounds a bit full-on for your taste. It might feel disappointing but this kind of thing happens frequently, it's not a huge deal.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 01/02/2023 02:26

You say he is interested in you, you tell him you don’t want a relationship but you get angry if he has a date??? Sorry OP, but I think you are the headfuck here…

Coyoacan · 01/02/2023 02:54

I don't understand what he did wrong. My best friend is a man with zero romantic interest and I don't expect him to tell me about his dates.

You don't want a romance, but you got angry that he went on a date with someone else. I'm confused.

FluffyBellyMeowMeow · 01/02/2023 03:28

Go no contact with him. 100% block then delete and move on.

I can feel from your energy (through your posts not something weird) that he is just not good enough for you.

i also will challenge you to set firm boundaries. What you want and what is unacceptable. If someone is not giving you what you want then you need to trash them. Everything else is a big garbage bag for him a well.

YOUR happiness matters.

EthicalNonMahogany · 01/02/2023 07:13

Yeah I think you're the one with the mixed signals. You wanted him to want you but wait around til you were ready. Look at it from his point of view, he doesn't know if you'll ever want a relationship so he's within his rights to date- and there's no requirement to tell you, he doesn't have to mention everything he does, even to a close friend. You have friendzoned yourself.

I think you should think about whether you still want to be friends at all - if you do it would be a nice gesture to help him after his op. Think about your reasons for wanting to cancel, they seem more about punishing him and "restricting access to you" than anything. If you want to be friends you could say to him look, we were in a strange place between dating and friendship, sorry to be funny about you dating; we are sorted now, can we move on?

If you just don't want to be friends any more then send him a message saying "Sorry! Something has come up and I have to go away for work/see family/something plausible so I can't be your backstop for the operation- really hope you find someone". He will assume you are pissed off, chalk it up to you being a bit weird and get on with his life.

Dery · 01/02/2023 07:18

“Yeah I think you're the one with the mixed signals. You wanted him to want you but wait around til you were ready. Look at it from his point of view, he doesn't know if you'll ever want a relationship so he's within his rights to date- and there's no requirement to tell you, he doesn't have to mention everything he does, even to a close friend. You have friendzoned yourself.

I think you should think about whether you still want to be friends at all - if you do it would be a nice gesture to help him after his op. Think about your reasons for wanting to cancel, they seem more about punishing him and "restricting access to you" than anything. If you want to be friends you could say to him look, we were in a strange place between dating and friendship, sorry to be funny about you dating; we are sorted now, can we move on?

If you just don't want to be friends any more then send him a message saying "Sorry! Something has come up and I have to go away for work/see family/something plausible so I can't be your backstop for the operation- really hope you find someone". He will assume you are pissed off, chalk it up to you being a bit weird and get on with his life.”

This with absolute bells on. I think in your mind you had a very specific and not easily understood set of expectations. I have looked after people in the 24 hours after surgery and it’s not been a massive deal. Of course, you don’t have to do it but I don’t think he’s at fault here.

gannett · 01/02/2023 07:44

Agree with PP, OP you're the headfuck here. Reading your posts I feel a bit headfucked as to what you want from him tbh.

You were vaguely interested in him romantically and it seems like he was also interested. But you weren't ready for a relationship and nothing happened anyway, not even a kiss. Fine, all normal. But you're angry that he's dating other people? That is bizarre.

Do you want to be his platonic friend? You say you hit it off and enjoyed spending time with him, but don't want a relationship. So... that's a platonic friendship. I'm not surprised he thinks that's what you two have.

It would be totally normal for platonic friends to help each other after surgery, especially as you say he doesn't know anyone else in the area. I'd do it in a heartbeat for most of my friends. You can do what you want though - tell him now if you don't want to do it. You sound a bit petty to me, and it's not clear how many other options he has, but I guess if you don't want to be friends with him that's not your problem.

Savoretti · 01/02/2023 07:48

I think you are the one being petty here. Not wanting to help him after surgery because it’s not all on your terms and that’s what you wanted

Eastereggsboxedupready · 01/02/2023 07:53

Hi friend, seems to be a few crossed wires. Happy to be in the Friend Zone but our companionship doesn't stretch to being your nurse! Hopefully you have time to make other arrangements before your upcoming surgery..
Regards op.

catfunk · 01/02/2023 07:56

Of course you don't have to nurse him if you don't want to, but you would like you haven't been entirely clear and I don't think he's done anything wrong by going on a date as you didn't want to date him.

catfunk · 01/02/2023 07:57

Ignore the extra 'you would like'

Livpool · 01/02/2023 07:57

EthicalNonMahogany · 01/02/2023 07:13

Yeah I think you're the one with the mixed signals. You wanted him to want you but wait around til you were ready. Look at it from his point of view, he doesn't know if you'll ever want a relationship so he's within his rights to date- and there's no requirement to tell you, he doesn't have to mention everything he does, even to a close friend. You have friendzoned yourself.

I think you should think about whether you still want to be friends at all - if you do it would be a nice gesture to help him after his op. Think about your reasons for wanting to cancel, they seem more about punishing him and "restricting access to you" than anything. If you want to be friends you could say to him look, we were in a strange place between dating and friendship, sorry to be funny about you dating; we are sorted now, can we move on?

If you just don't want to be friends any more then send him a message saying "Sorry! Something has come up and I have to go away for work/see family/something plausible so I can't be your backstop for the operation- really hope you find someone". He will assume you are pissed off, chalk it up to you being a bit weird and get on with his life.

Completely agree with this. I am exhausted reading it all

Curriedpeanuts · 01/02/2023 08:00

Being around after someone has surgery just means being there to call an ambulance if something goes horribly wrong in the 24 hours after surgery and anaesthetic. You aren't expected to actually do any nursing.

Dejavu23 · 01/02/2023 08:00

I don’t think you should look after him if you don’t want to. Just tell him nicely, sorry you can’t do it after all, but tell him today!

somuchtolearnabout · 01/02/2023 08:07

Hmmm I agree with others in that your actions are confusing. You’ve never had any romantic interactions, and claim that you only saw him “at his insistence” - suggesting you’d happily never have seen him had he not initiated it. But now you’re upset and giving him the silent treatment because you found out he is dating other people (while not actually dating you). So the inference is that you didn’t want him to date you, but you also didn’t want him to date anyone else. Admittedly that seems unfair.

On the point of being his nurse, I think it’s fair to make it clear that this won’t be happening anymore, just in case he is expecting it. “I’m
really sorry but I won’t be able to help out anymore, hopefully you still have enough time to find someone else”

Howaboutthisonehenry · 01/02/2023 08:12

Captainfairylights · 01/02/2023 02:06

Yes there's some truth in that! I thought we were friends who were becoming closer and perhaps might have become romantic later down the line.
I think he thought of me as a friend who was just 'there', nearby, nice company for when he wasn't seeing others.
We never spoke about our expectations. We were both interpreting 'friend' differently.
I don't want to be his type of friend! My type would look after someone after surgery. His wouldn't.

Show quote history

your last point is confusing- you say his type of friend wouldn’t look after someone after surgery- but yours would?

However, he’s the one expecting it if you, and you are the one refusing?

I raise it only to say that if I’m confused about your situation, he probably is too!

you seem to want to have your cake and eat it.

You seem to want him to stop meeting other women, because you ‘might’ want a relationship further down the line?? What does he get out of this arrangement?

it sounds like he likes you, and was interested in a romantic relationship. But when you made it clear you only wanted to be friends, he respected that, but started dating other people ( without hiding that from you).

Thighdentitycrisis · 01/02/2023 08:23

I think you should go through with the post surgery support as you promised it and not on the basis he didn’t date anyone. (As you made it clear you didn’t want a relationship)

going forward maybe think about what you actually want and how to communicate that clearly and honestly